choublak

There is a piece of Al-Anon literature that talks about detachment:

"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching."

To me, it seems like the antithesis to that Bible verse that is so popular at weddings:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..."

Why don't they read that first quote I posted, about detachment, at weddings? Maybe they should.

MyGirlGracie

I struggle with this constantly... the good and bad of it. I know that detachment is "good" for me in that it takes away the controlling side of my behavior and protects ME. It is "good" for my A so they are free to take responsibility and don't feel manipulated constantly. But it feels as though I am giving up and moving down the "don't give a &%$#" path. I still am uncomfortable with the whole thing....

HisAngel

In my experience, detachment has always been a time of peace. I block my ABF in every way possible, ie email, fb, cellphone etc. I have learned to view detachment more as a positive for myself. When I find myself doubting my decision to detach, I remind myself in these periods of detachment to continue to "Let go and let God." My ABF has relapsed numerous times in our relationship and it has become easier for me to distance myself emotionally with each detachment and I'm at the point now where my detachment is for increasingly longer periods of time. I have found that living without the constant chaos of his disease, I am returning to the person I was before we became involved. I am a better mother, sister, daughter and happier person now that my attention/energy is not focused on my ABF. I've come to realize his alcoholism drained the life out of me and I needed to reclaim my life through emotional detachment. My ultimate goal is to remove myself from the chaos of his disease and I am proud to say I'm almost there now! Ultimately, I've found detachment to be a blessing. These quotes have been inspirational for me, "Love the man, hate the disease." and "Change your thoughts and change your life."

honeypig

Choublak, I doubt very much that people on their wedding day are thinking about any eventual need to detach from their soon-to-be spouse; they are celebrating "becoming one." I know if I'd been told what I'd get to deal with down the road, I'd have picked up my skirts and run out of the judge's chambers at top speed (courthouse wedding, not religious)! However, if I'd done that, I'd have missed out on this opportunity to make myself so much healthier, so I guess we take the bitter w/the better....

MyGirlGracie and HisAngel, I see you've both been around here for a while, so you may have already seen these, but I really like both of these threads and will post the links here for any who may have missed them.

Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html

choublak

My thing is, I'm pretty picky when it comes to relationships anyways, so I'll be damned if I'm actually going to get into and work at a relationship, and then have to detach? Are you kidding me? Is what I'm thinking.

dandylion

choublak...I believe that "detachment", as it is being used, here...is to protect yourself from those behaviors which are damaging to yourself and which you have no control over, anyway.

Maybe, another word to use would be "distance".....distance yourself. Hammer seems to prefer that word....and, I kind of like it, too.

dandylion

p.s.--there are different levels of detachment (or distance)...which can be used as needed.
For some that might mean: complete physical and emotional distance--as in...leaving the relationship and going no contact.
For others, it might mean: Ignoring the quacking and leaving the immediate area. Not engaging in the argument.
For others, it might mean: don't try to manage their treatment program; spending the energy on themselves.

One has to use this "tool" with judgement and tailor it to their own situation.

dandylion

HisAngel

I was naïve about his disease when I began a relationship with my ABF. He admitted being an alcoholic 6 months into our being exclusive...but it was painfully obvious to me by the time he admitted it. He went to rehab 2 months later and while he was away I researched alcoholism and went to Al-Anon meetings. I became very knowledgeable about what I had gotten myself into by falling in love with an alcoholic. He checked himself out of rehab after 2 weeks and relapsed around 2 months after that. Needless to say, the relationship that followed for the next 4 years was dysfunctional and as has been described by others as a roller coaster ride of emotions. His disease, and his battle with his disease, ultimately became impossible for me to participate in. My ABF had been a highly functional alcoholic for over 20 years at the time we met and I just didn't want to watch him self-destruct any further...nor did I want his disease of alcoholism to rob me out of 4 more years of my life...the way it has robbed him for decades of his. He even had a long stretch of sobriety while we were together, however, sobriety does not equal healthy relationships...is just means no longer drinking...at least that was my experience. Just as I was naïve about alcoholism, I realized I had also been naïve about sobriety. My ABF continued to lie, cheat and keep secrets even after becoming sober. He made amends and continued to do the very behaviors he had begged forgiveness for and supposedly repented for doing. Simply put, he was a very sick man while drinking and that didn't change when he stopped. It was my 'lurking' on this site for years that gave the strength to remove myself from the grip of his disease. I have not stopped loving him or caring about him or his children or his parents...I simply shifted my focus to my own life and started caring for my own well-being as I was doing back before we met. I am fortunate in that I never moved in with him, or had children with him. I can only imagine how difficult the decision to detach would be under those circumstances as it was extremely painful for me to make the decision to live my life for me and not continue to live in the chaos of his alcoholism. I'm not ever going to judge anyone's decision to stay just as I would never advise anyone to leave. I share my experiences here in hopes to help someone who is struggling in their own situation as I have received so much from reading others' experiences. It just became crystal clear to me that I would never have the future with my ABF I had always hoped we'd have...so I detached a little at a time until I felt strong enough to refuse when he would beg forgiveness and start with his talks of a reconciliation. Everyone has to make their own decisions and follow their own path based on what is best for them. I will always think of him with love and he will always be in my prayers. I just cannot put my life on hold until he decides he wants to change his...I've already invested 4 years in doing that and feel he is no closer to being healthy than he was when we met. I am sad, and I mourn the future we will never have together which is why I continue to find strength here on these forums. And...in future posts..I will refer to him as my EX-ABF. I wish you all the best in your situation and know with all my heart this is the very best place to gain strength for whatever decision you are facing.

MAGW

I too am confused by detachment. Like you Hisangel, I don't live with my AB/Xabf (figuring that out as he is scheduled for rehab 8/1). I made him leave (because he was drinking when he was supposed to be sober) 3 weeks ago when he and his children had stayed 3 nights with my children and I, which only happens on weekends but this was an exception. (4 yr relationship also.)

Initially detachment was easy because we were not in contact until he told me he was looking into rehab. Now, I have not seen or spoken to him, but texted. If he was living with me, how would I detach? If people have to come home to their A partner every day, and have children together, I wouldn't know how to do that. That is part of the reason I would be afraid to live with him, I wouldn't know how to detach. And it seems once you are living together and sharing a life, how could you detach from their problems if their problems are affecting your life in such a major way? I like how Honeypig I think said for some people they detach by leaving, but it is in the not leaving that I don't understand, especially with kids involved. I guess I want to understand what that looks like. Rambling....

hopeful4

I dont think i was unkind when i detatched. I did it as a necessity in prepration for what i knew would happen. I worked on me, protected my kids, stayed on my side of the street. Was very honest.

Even now my X would love to find a way to be critical of me, but he cannot bc ive simply detatched. I agree i could never stay the long term in a marriage like that, but definitely its working in my divorce. In the verses of the fruits of the vine, love, patience, kindness, etc... I think its saying live your life in this way. Enabling a user is not on the list. I will always care what sort of person my x is bc he is my children's father. I have gently turned him over to God.

Stung

Here are my two cents. Take what you like, drop kick the rest.

Are you planning on marrying an alcoholic? Because if that's the case then yeah, there is a strong possibility that you'll have to detach from them at some point in your marriage.

You know, the majority of the population doesn't have to detach from their partners because they don't form unhealthy attachments to begin with.

As for the Corinthians verse:

This verse is used a lot during wedding ceremonies but marriage isn't the basis of the verse. Jesus taught that we should love our fellow man, so this isn't about being ONLY a good spouse, it's about being a good human being. Love your fellow man. The way to love your fellow man is to treat everyone you encounter with kindness and patience, do not boast or show pride, do not be arrogant or rude, for you do not know how to live life better than any other person. Do not be irritable or resentful towards others and do not find joy in other's misfortune, rather only find joy in the blessings that are bestowed on others. If you show love to every person you encounter then you will be better equipped to handle everything that is thrown at you. Because love endures, it bears the test of time, it hopes and love doesn't let you down.

You should treat your spouse that way, without question, but you should also strive to treat EVERYONE you encounter that way because that's what Jesus taught. That's what that verse is about.

If you're in an unhealthy relationship then you need to detach from the unhealthy behaviors of your spouse, but it's called detachment WITH LOVE which means you can still detach (which to me is about controlling your own reactions and responses (not controlling your emotions but not allowing your emotions to rule your decision making processes) by making better choices for yourself) and follow that verse as best as you can even when you're detaching.

SeriousKarma

For me detachment doesn't mean physical separation at all, It has to do with letting someone else experiences the consequences of their own actions with out letting it upset my own serenity.

Here's an example that has nothing to do with alcoholism, but perfectly shows how I could have used the principle of detachment years ago if I'd had only known better:

My daughter was about five years old, sitting on the floor, with a jigsaw puzzle spread out in front of her. I love jigsaw puzzles. My daughter...not so much. I'm watching as she's grabbing random pieces and placing them next to other random pieces in the vane hopes that they'll fit.

"Sweetheart," I say "First you need to find the corner pieces, then the edge pieces."

She continues to grab random pieces.

"Darling, The puzzle will go together better if you put the sides together first. Find the corners and the edges."

She's still grabbing random pieces. I think she may be ignoring me.

"Sweety-poo-lovey-buns, Mommy needs you to find the corners and the edges."

She IS ignoring me.

This went on for another ten minutes. Me writhing in agony as I stared at that ungodly cluster of unmatched pieces laying on the floor. It was sooooo EASY! All she had to do was DO AS I SAID!!!!

"THERE...THERE's a corner piece right there! Give it to me! Move over. Give me that one over there.....Now that one......................."

I ended up doing the whole puzzle while she played with her Barbies.

What was gained by my trying to control her process? Nothing. I was a nervous wreck and she now hates puzzles. I mean really, really hates puzzles. Maybe if I had left her alone she would have completed it eventually. Maybe she would have realized that there was a better way than slamming two random pieces together, maybe not. Who knows. What I do know is that by making HER puzzle MY issue I took away an opportunity for her to learn how to resolve a problem, and made myself way too crazy in the process.

In this case detachment would have meant letting her work it out by herself, perhaps offering a little guidance if she asked for it, and not getting bent out of shape if she either didn't ask for help, or didn't complete the puzzle.

I think when dealing with our alcoholic loved ones it's quite similar. At least for me it is.

MAGW

Serous karma this example makes sense, but the part that gets me is with alcoholics isn't it us or our children who also are effected by the consequences of the alcoholics drinking (aka puzzle inefficiency) whether it be feeling alone, having financial turmoil, abuse, messes around the house, their ill health, affairs... The list goes on in endless possibility. So I understand detaching for peaceful moments... But not detaching from the life you are in and the consequences that effect you from their behavior, unless the last form of detachment is to leave, then I understand that. It's what happens before that that I do not get.

SparkleKitty

I don't think detachment is a long-term plan. For me, it was just a means of holding on to my sanity until I could get out of my particular situation. Either my XABF would sober up and get into recovery or our relationship had to end, When it was clear to me that he had no interest in recovery, detachment got me through until it was over.

Tansy

I detached after he nearly died through a drink related illness. I've stayed detached and it does feel like I don't give a &&&% ( probably cos I don't any more and he's moving out) but it's the only way I could continue to function, look after our kids and keep my own sanity and happiness. I think I detached cos my brain said enough. It wasn't a deliberate act. It was the moment I knew nothing was ever going to get any better..ever.

SeriousKarma

Absolutely. In my analogy detachment means letting the chips fall where they may. In the case of an addict those chips can be a lot worse than a puzzle not being put together, but the analogy still holds.

The reality is that my daughter never liked puzzles, but my need to micro manage her on her first attempt to solve one only pushed her further away from both puzzles ,and me (that might be a bit overstated, but you get the point). Nobody won.

In the case of life with an addict there are other issues that come into play. Namely boundaries and self-sufficiency.

You’re right. If all we need to do is sit on the sofa, happily detached, while the addict in our life wreaks havoc around us, we could just get a bottle of Valium. Better yet, just join the addict in his or her drug of choice. But it’s more complicated, and requires a broader outlook.

Boundaries. I think it’s particularly hard to detach when one has unclear boundaries. Since we’re often talking about people that live in the same house, or family members, I think this is very important.

Self-sufficiency. This is my nemesis. My STBXAH was the money man for 22 years. I cleaned up way too many of his drunken “puzzles” because I was afraid the money stream would stop. My time would have been better spent figuring out how I was going to support myself and my daughter.

If the goal is to not let the addicts choices affect our lives, than we need to examine our lives, sometimes with a magnifying glass, to see where those affects are most evident. Often tweaking other areas can help us achieve the detachment we’re after.

BTW: Right now I’m going to give myself a 75% on the Detach-O-Meter. I’m getting along great with my STBXAH, I communicate with him about once a week. Always very friendly. But he’s not working a program, and I think his girlfriend is a drunk. I still want sooooooo much to get in there and fix his puzzle. Baby steps…. Baby steps…..

SeriousKarma

That's interesting SparkleKitty. I guess maybe I do see it as a long-term plan. Not just with my STBXAH, but with how I relate in general. A positive way of not letting other's issues effect me negatively.

MAGW

Thx serious karma and everyone - I think when I attended a few Al anon mtgs and read some things here, I misunderstood it as a long term coping mechanism, it makes much more sense in reality as you explained as a coping step for a limited amount of time while you are moving through a plan to decide what's next, and still be able to get keep moving through it. Thank you!

SparkleKitty

Sorry, I should have qualified....I don't think detachment is a long-term plan for continuing to live in a relationship with an active addict who is unwilling to consider recovery. As a way of life, I fully support staying on one's side of the street and letting others find their way at their own speed!

SeriousKarma

Amen SparkleKitty. Notice I'm saying STB"X"AH.

I absolutely used detachment as a way to move on from my relationship with him. It was a positive quality in terms of personal growth, and not one that I want to abandon now that the crisis stage is over.

I see it as a quality that can help in all areas of personal interaction.

airwick

Sereouskarma: I understand your adive SO clearly.

It is out of my hands, yet still there if needed. I didn't abandon, yet I didn't
enable.

I think I handled my situation quite well