going to look at a house, and fears

Old 07-02-2014, 01:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
going to look at a house, and fears

So Friday I am going with my mom, my DD and friend to look at a house....to buy.

Its a foreclosure, I would need a special loan and I am a first time home buyer so I think I could get a grant. (I make under 30k a year)...I'm trying to find a better paying job in the meantime as well. Mom said that she would help with the mortage payments since they would only be about 300-400 a month...less than rent.

If I eventually got child support and a better job, I will be fine. I have hopes.

ABF has no clue I'm doing this. Right now I'm just looking. Its an old farm house right across the street from a park in a tiny little town nearby. It would be perfect for DD and I.

Anyway, I sidetracked. ABF has no clue. Its a major step that I'm not sure I want to take (buying a house, not the moving part) but something keeps drawing towards this house. I think its the security. I feel a little guilty still about my plans with leaving. I'm conflicted.I know most of you said that you left when you knew its was the right time, but did you have any feelings of doubt at all? I'm not attracted to him, He talks nonsense every night to me, and I barely want to talk to him during the day. But I still have this feeling in me that part of the reason he drinks is somehow my fault, even though deep down I know its not true. Does that make any sense? It could be my panic/anxiety disorder flaring up. I guess I'm just looking for Point of Views.
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 01:38 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
I also think the fact that he has the potential to be a great dad is bothering me. He tries when he is sober. But I don't want her to think that that makes being an alcoholic okay
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 01:45 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
That is a big step and that is awesome that you are even considering it. It shows just how far in your recovery you have come. I wish you great luck on your house hunt.

I too am in the process of "looking" at houses. I really can't buy until our divorce is final but it feels good just to "look". I am scared to death of being financially responsible alone for it but I know someway somehow I can do it. I will make it work.
unsureoffuture is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 01:50 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by Blossom717 View Post
I also think the fact that he has the potential to be a great dad is bothering me. He tries when he is sober. But I don't want her to think that that makes being an alcoholic okay
My STBXAH "has the potential" to be a great Dad too. And sometimes when he is truly sober and engaged he is. The problem is, he is unreliable. I can't count on him to be that "great dad" all the time because a lot of the time the alcohol takes over and he becomes reclusive and uninvolved. I also cant count on the fact that he will make good choices, ie driving with the kids while drinking etc. That roller coaster of undependableness.. (is that even a word, lol) ...is what is doing the most damage to me and the kids. I get my hopes up and then wham they come crashing down again.
unsureoffuture is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 02:01 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Originally Posted by unsureoffuture View Post
My STBXAH "has the potential" to be a great Dad too. And sometimes when he is truly sober and engaged he is. The problem is, he is unreliable. I can't count on him to be that "great dad" all the time because a lot of the time the alcohol takes over and he becomes reclusive and uninvolved. I also cant count on the fact that he will make good choices, ie driving with the kids while drinking etc. That roller coaster of undependableness.. (is that even a word, lol) ...is what is doing the most damage to me and the kids. I get my hopes up and then wham they come crashing down again.
Same here! I can't rely on him, often he cancels any plans we make as a family so he can drink. I avoid him taking her anywhere after work since I know he will be drinking. Its stressful to live with just that much! Thankyou for sharing. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

I want to be happy when I walk into my home, not miserable. One day! good luck to you!
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 02:01 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I think there is usually doubt and hope there. For me the turning point was realizing his stuff was not mine, I couldn't help him or control it, and it was affecting me and the kids. It was more like I knew that this was the only sane option.
Florence is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 02:10 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I had some of the same reservations/doubts. I felt like I had to leave to save my very sanity and so I did but it felt so wrong sometimes. In my case, that wrong feeling was my own sickness. My own co-dependency and confusion. The further along I got the more right I felt and eventually I *knew* I was finally doing the right thing. It has been over 4 years and I still know it was the right thing. It is often said here to just do the next right thing no matter how small the decision or step and eventually you'll end up in the right place. I did that and it worked.

I also discovered that the 'good dad' parts were made possible because I facilitated it all. Once I stopped doing that, so did all the good dad moments. My ex loves his children I guess and he has some good qualities (I did marry him after all) - and I don't care. He is horrible for me and he has moved away from his four boys so there are no good dad moments anymore because he isn't here. That has a tragic legacy I see every single day.

With independence and freedom I can see and accept all of who he is. The good, the potential (ha!), and the downright bad because I don't care how much you love your kids if you leave them behind that is bad. The mental gymnastics that were keeping me so confused and frustrated were inside me and clouded my thinking as much as the alcohol clouded his. Independence and freedom were a BIG part of my being able to think clearly.

Good luck with your house venture I've bought two houses all on my own (once before I was married and once after I was divorced) and I have not regretted either purchase even once. Even the house we bought while married had the loan in my name only because I was more qualified alone than with him on the loan - I should have paid more attention to that sign, lol.
Thumper is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 02:47 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Blossom,

I think it is great that you are trying to move forward, and to make things better for yourself and your DD. I'm all for that.

What I want to talk to you about though is the foreclosure. I bought a foreclosure, and I now love it. It took a lot of work. I read in your last post that it has been listed since 2008.

Do you know what to look for when you look at this house? I know you are going on Friday so I want you to be prepared. How old is the roof, will it need replacing soon? How old is the house? how is the electric system in the house? How are the appliances that are there, if there are appliance there? Does it have termites, or carpenter bees, carpenter ants, mold?

I'm really not trying to scare you, but these are some of the things I had to deal with. The most important thing here is the home inspection. Listen to all of it.

Also know that you can offer a price way below what the bank is asking. They just want to get rid of it, they may even pay the closing fees.

If you do decide to buy, flea markets are great, garage sales, craigslist.

Don't go into this blind like I did.

I just had to replace a grinder pump for $2700. I never in my life even knew what a grinder pump was.

Make a list of questions to ask your realtor. Take notes. Post here.
amy55 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 03:00 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I used to sell Real Estate. If it has been listed since 2008, there probably is no way to get financing for it.

If it sounds too good to be true...sorry. You said it was old. That's the first warning flag unless you have access to cheap labor and materials to do any and all repairs.

Usually in cases of long time listings there is more liability than value in a property. I hope I'm wrong - but like Amy says, ask the Realtor WHY it has been on the market so long before you even waste your several hundred dollars for an inspection. If you see any structural issues, walk away - it's not going to be financeable without a huge down payment that would essentially cover the repair costs for the lender. The lender is not going to lend on a property with substantial problems unless you cover that liability yourself with your down payment. Then you'll still have to pay to fix it on top of that.

If it was a super good investment it would have been gone long before seven years. Long listings are bad - really bad.
biminiblue is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 03:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Praying's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
What makes a "good dad"? I said for years that XAH was a good dad when he tried or wanted to be. I kept hoping it'd be consistent. The "ouch" part for me post-divorce was threefold:

1) I facilitated everything. Without me, he floundered and disappeared because it took too much effort. I hadn't realized this. It shocked and saddened me tremendously.

2) "Sometimes" is never, ever enough for a kid. It's not good no matter how you frame it. They need consistent parental love, not the jerk-around up and down, which confuses them.

3) How dad treats their mother (or for the dads out there, how mom treats dad) is the single biggest example and most prominent thing in their lives. If he verbally (or otherwise) abuses mom, he is NOT a good father. Even if it's sometimes. He is hurting their source of security and love and that is terrifying to them.

Sorry for the downer post, but even as I drove away from X, I claimed he could be a good father. He is not. (I don't like that.) I know good fathers. They not only have it in them, they show it ALWAYS and sacrifice for their kids, bond emotionally, and teach them to give and love and forgive.

Sigh. It breaks my heart for my own kids...and all the other ones out there too.

Just food for thought. I found that XAH's "good father" potential was in the same box as "good husband", "good son", and "good fill-in-the-blank".
Praying is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 03:30 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Looking at houses is so exciting (and a little nerve-wracking) Best of luck!

Originally Posted by Blossom717 View Post
I know most of you said that you left when you knew its was the right time, but did you have any feelings of doubt at all?
I had huge doubts and guilt about leaving AXH. On the one hand I knew I _had_ to. There were so many reasons that I needed to: I didn't want DS growing up thinking *this* is how dad's are supposed to be, my own safety and sanity, financial, etc. But on the other hand there was this immense sense of SHOULD. Thoughts that I should try harder to keep our family together, that I should love AXH more than I did, that I shouldn't leave some one who so obviously was having a hard time taking care of himself...

However, all of the doubts about leaving pretty much revolved around AXH's needs and desires, not mine or DS's.

I had the same thoughts as so many here that AXH could be such a good dad / good husband. That he had the potential to be. I found a quote by Margaret Atwood that I try to remember when I get to hoping that maybe AXH might still pull himself up out of his issues: "Potential has a shelf life."
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 04:09 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
House hunting is fun! I totally understand what you're going through and the back and forth doubts. As someone said, just keep making the right steps in the right direction, don't think about where it will take you just yet, you're still grieving what you're leaving behind. I think it's awesome that your just making the moves to "look"! You need that, you need to start providing your mind with dreams and hopes for a new different future. The more you look and explore the possibilities, the clarity you'll get with the differences of a hopeful future vs. a bleak one strapped to an A.

I think you're doing wonderful! I still have to remind myself that the doubts are normal, the love I have for him is real, the urge to run back should be expected... but just close your eyes and go back to one of the worst horrible nights he put you through, remember the pain, remember the anxiety, really really remember and FEEL it. When that ache becomes too much, open your eyes and realize again that you are no longer in that bad place, remember why you left and then take solace in knowing that pain is behind you. Then think about all the wonderful possibilities ahead
SiRiDiPiTi is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 06:05 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Thank you everyone for the wonderful POVs and honest opinions. I really appreciate them. I can't ask my friends in person and get more honesty.

Serendipity, I like the visual thing. I can't remember a night though that I went to bed happy where I'm at. I trained myself to think this is normal because my mom did the same. I'm learning it doesn't have to be this way. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had those "should" feelings. He's drunk right now, but a "happy" drunk, telling me how great he is. I can't ever tell what kind of mood he will be in. I need to remind myself that's not healthy for my daughter.

As for the house, it's quite old. It will need some renovations but luckily, my mom is an interior designer, my friend that is going is currently renovating her house with her husband, and I work for a general contractor....if I asked they would probably help with advice.

It's way out in the middle of nowhere, one of those random towns not near anything. It's also right next to train tracks which a lot of people don't prefer, but I've always lived near them. If there are foundation issues I won't consider it, I need one that I can live in even while fixing up.

Also, the realtor said to buy it it either needs to be a cash purchase or a 203k loan. Idk much about those, so any advice is welcome!
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 06:13 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Also I love the "potential has a shelf life" quote! That's a keeper!

Amy- I'm not exactly sure what to look for, but I'm going to make a list tomorrow and take lots of pictures to ask co-workers about cost. It's price is $59k right now...I don't know what is usual asking for ones of that price. It does have all hardwood floors that seem pretty good in the pictures, and central air which I prefer!
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 06:56 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Is it possible to also have some of the guys that you work with go with you to see the house?

I'm starting to get excited for you. I just don't want you to get stuck with a fixer upper. I had the money for renovations, even though I had to apply for a home equity loan, then had to re-fi with a cash out. I can know get more then double the price I paid for mine.

If you can get some of your work buddies to go out and take a look, see if you can esp get the electrician, and a plumber. Is the outside of the house wood or vinyl?

I have a raised ranch log cabin, if I can give you any help or tips, let me know.

((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy55 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 07:14 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just wanted to add, my house listed for $85,000. I offered $65,000. The bank said no, I went up to $70,000 with bank paying $2000. towards closing fees. They took it.

Also when I was looking, there was another foreclosure. It listed for $109,000. Realtor gave them feedback that I liked it but was out of my price range, they told realtor that they had just lowered the price to $85,000.

Banks do want to get rid of those foreclosures, they are paying the taxes on those houses.

I wasn't eligible for the grant that you are applying for. I had already owned a home with my ex, so I don't know anything about that.

I also had the money for the 20% down payment, so the mortgage was easy for me to get.

I don't know about getting a mortgage if you need a PMI.
amy55 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 07:15 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Blossom, I can't add much to what the other's have posted, but just to say it's really normal to second-guess yourself before a big financial step. If you've done your due diligence and the sums add up, go for it. It's especially good if you have your friends and family onside as they will be a huge help.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 07:32 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Blossom717's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
It's wood, no vinyl. 2 stories, 3 bedroom 1 bath (one of those big claw foot bathtubs!!)

If it looks like something I would like to pursue then I would probably ask my co workers for advice. For now I'm keeping it low key that I'm looking.

I could get a few grand together for a down payment, but I'm not sure what the requirements are for a 203k loan. There's a free home buying class the housing development authority offers, I hope to take that soon!

Thank you, if I have any questions I will deff ask you! It's cute, if I get a chance and I'm interested, I will post some pictures of it on here Friday!
Blossom717 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 07:43 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
It sounds really cute !!!!! I remember those claw foot bathtubs. I just love them.

When you are taking pics, esp take pics of what you need or feel you need, or should be updated. Use that also to negotiate price.

For ex. --- I told them that I noticed there must have been a flood in the kitchen, and I would have to replace some of the base cabinets. Also bathroom same thing.

Just also remember that some people going through a foreclosure will try to sabotage the house. I went through that. I had to replace all of the sub floor because they poured oil on the rugs that I did not see. All things can be fixed, just remember that, and I really am not trying to scare you, just being realistic.

Wood exterior, check for any damage and any dime size hole. I had carpenter bees, not a big problem, I now own the professional equipment to deal with them. You won't see them this time of the year, they come out in spring, and then again, I think about August. Check for the carpenter ants. You will see them crawling around outside. Not so much in the house at the time of the day that you will be there. I can help you with those also.

Just, first, walk into the house and see if it is a good fit for you.

I won't be around Friday night, going to friends for the 4th of July, but will check back on Saturday.
amy55 is offline  
Old 07-02-2014, 07:56 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Also, if possible talk to some of the neighbors. They can be very telling about the previous owners, and also any of the problems that the house has had.

I didn't do this, and should have. I later found out that there were 3 St Bernards in the house that they were to lazy to take out for walks. Hence, that is where the smell came from. Also found out just recently that there were major problems with the grinder pump. Neighbors are very willing to talk, and its also good to get to know them beforehand.
amy55 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:49 AM.