My life got complicated and he reminded me why I left
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
My life got complicated and he reminded me why I left
I don't know why I had a glimmer of doubt! Just when I thought he may be changing for the better, he shows his a$$. I want so bad to text him back some nasty bitter response, but I won't... So I'm here.
After leaving my AH five months ago there were some family issues and I'm now taking care of my sisters two boys, they're 6 and 7. My sister will be losing custody of her kids due to drub addiction and I took them in and most likely going to go through the adoption process or my nephews may be adopted out. I guess it's been a real wake up call because now there is no way in heck that I can ever go back to my AH, no way would I subject my nephews to that life. In a way I know it's a big life change at a time when I'm trying to put myself back together, but this change has solidified my resolve to file divorce papers. It's scary and exciting, but sad because my nephews are having to deal with the consequences of addiction firsthand. Luckily Ive always been extremely close to my nephews so the change had been a bit easier, but they're dealing with a lot themselves. now I have two little ones that I have to be strong for. My feelings toward my sister right now are another situation all together that I don't even have time to process. I'm so angry at her! For putting her kids through this, for forcing me into this responsibility (that I do willingly because I love them to death but how I feel about her because of it... words cannot describe how livid I am), for not taking any ownership.. She continually blames everyone else: the cop who arrested her, her H who is a worse addict, me for taking away her kids (no stupid, CPS took your kids and I'm stepping up to the plate and taking your responsibility for the sake of YOUR kids!). Wow, I didn't realize how angry I am, I can't express it most of the time because I don't want the boys to feel my anxiety, and everything had happened do fast I haven't even had time to process.
Well, anyway, between my hectic life now I'm still having these complete meltdowns when I'm by myself. My AH texted me today and basically told me I'm transferring my emotions into these kids and not dealing with what's important "HIM" because I'm 35 and it's too late for someone my age to have kids and he realizes that I'm treating him this way because this is my last chance to be a mom!! Can you effing believe that?!?!?! Thank you for nailing the last nail in our marriage's coffin! If I had any doubts before they have went up in spectacular smoke! Good riddance!
After leaving my AH five months ago there were some family issues and I'm now taking care of my sisters two boys, they're 6 and 7. My sister will be losing custody of her kids due to drub addiction and I took them in and most likely going to go through the adoption process or my nephews may be adopted out. I guess it's been a real wake up call because now there is no way in heck that I can ever go back to my AH, no way would I subject my nephews to that life. In a way I know it's a big life change at a time when I'm trying to put myself back together, but this change has solidified my resolve to file divorce papers. It's scary and exciting, but sad because my nephews are having to deal with the consequences of addiction firsthand. Luckily Ive always been extremely close to my nephews so the change had been a bit easier, but they're dealing with a lot themselves. now I have two little ones that I have to be strong for. My feelings toward my sister right now are another situation all together that I don't even have time to process. I'm so angry at her! For putting her kids through this, for forcing me into this responsibility (that I do willingly because I love them to death but how I feel about her because of it... words cannot describe how livid I am), for not taking any ownership.. She continually blames everyone else: the cop who arrested her, her H who is a worse addict, me for taking away her kids (no stupid, CPS took your kids and I'm stepping up to the plate and taking your responsibility for the sake of YOUR kids!). Wow, I didn't realize how angry I am, I can't express it most of the time because I don't want the boys to feel my anxiety, and everything had happened do fast I haven't even had time to process.
Well, anyway, between my hectic life now I'm still having these complete meltdowns when I'm by myself. My AH texted me today and basically told me I'm transferring my emotions into these kids and not dealing with what's important "HIM" because I'm 35 and it's too late for someone my age to have kids and he realizes that I'm treating him this way because this is my last chance to be a mom!! Can you effing believe that?!?!?! Thank you for nailing the last nail in our marriage's coffin! If I had any doubts before they have went up in spectacular smoke! Good riddance!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Wow, SiRi.... I really feel for your tonight. I'm somewhat left speechless by this. I can so understand your anger at your sister, and I can see how your life just got turned around. I want to give you ((((((((((hugs))))))))))). I can't even begin to tell you what a special person you are, what an angel you are. I think your are going to love having your nephews but I can also see the h3ll you are going to go through with your sister.
Your stbx, well, I think he was going anyway.
You have a whole new life now, and personally, I am a very optimistic person. I think this happened for a reason, and I think you will make the best of it.
You are so brave and courageous, I was and am still in awe of you. I think you are terrific, and that you will do a terrific job in bringing up your nephews.
I thank God everyday for people like you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Your stbx, well, I think he was going anyway.
You have a whole new life now, and personally, I am a very optimistic person. I think this happened for a reason, and I think you will make the best of it.
You are so brave and courageous, I was and am still in awe of you. I think you are terrific, and that you will do a terrific job in bringing up your nephews.
I thank God everyday for people like you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
You are a hero to those children. Consider yourself as such. 
You have every right to have the feelings you do. What you are doing for those boys speaks volumes as to who you are. They have a chance at a wonderful life thanks to YOU. I am 45 and I had one hell of a time dealing with the addictions of somebody I was just dating. I can not imagine how those children must feel. Work through your emotions and it's completely natural to feel overwhelmed. Just know in your heart you have done the right thing.
You have every right to have the feelings you do. What you are doing for those boys speaks volumes as to who you are. They have a chance at a wonderful life thanks to YOU. I am 45 and I had one hell of a time dealing with the addictions of somebody I was just dating. I can not imagine how those children must feel. Work through your emotions and it's completely natural to feel overwhelmed. Just know in your heart you have done the right thing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
SiRi,
Wow...what a top notch person you are. Your love for those kids shines through. Your AH is a grown adult. He is in charge of him.
Those kids need you, they don't have anyone. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I can understand how you would feel very overwhelmed and angry with what is going on. Try to focus on quality time with the kids and taking good care of them and YOU! Just know he is quacking and see it as such, and carry on with the good you are doing in your life.
Tight Hugs!
Wow...what a top notch person you are. Your love for those kids shines through. Your AH is a grown adult. He is in charge of him.
Those kids need you, they don't have anyone. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I can understand how you would feel very overwhelmed and angry with what is going on. Try to focus on quality time with the kids and taking good care of them and YOU! Just know he is quacking and see it as such, and carry on with the good you are doing in your life.
Tight Hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I just want to say thank you for doing this for your nephews. I adopted two children from the foster care system. They were 9 and 10. Their biological father was an addict who lost parental rights. He came from a nice upper middle class family and he had successful siblings (an attorney, a judge and a CPA), all married with kids. None of them were willing to step up for the kids or even have contact with them. 10 years later this is the source of a lot of pain and rejection for my children. Thanks for taking on your nephews and saving them from placement with strangers.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by SiRiDiPiTi 
My AH texted me today and basically told me I'm transferring my emotions into these kids and not dealing with what's important "HIM" because I'm 35 and it's too late for someone my age to have kids and he realizes that I'm treating him this way because this is my last chance to be a mom!! Can you effing believe that?!?!?! Thank you for nailing the last nail in our marriage's coffin! If I had any doubts before they have went up in spectacular smoke! Good riddance!
"Holy cow, you are such a strong woman. I can't believe how much strength and fortitude you are showing while I'm working so hard to undermine it. I recognize this will be a burden for you, but you are the best thing these kids have going for them, and spending the next decade with you might be what saves their lives. You will be a fantastic mother, to these kids and any others you might have. I'm so proud to have been a part of your life. I am sorry that I'm not in a space to be a good supportive mate at this time, so I will respect you from a distance."
Other words might have actually come out, but this is the message. Sending you many hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
That's wonderful what you're doing for your nephews.
My wife was 35 when our son was born. He's now 19, but she's somehow still 39. ???? All kidding aside, 35 is NOT too old for you to raise a child and give him or her all the love and attention that's needed.
My wife was 35 when our son was born. He's now 19, but she's somehow still 39. ???? All kidding aside, 35 is NOT too old for you to raise a child and give him or her all the love and attention that's needed.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 67
Good for you for coming here and not replying. You are trying so hard to step up and then seeing hurtful, nasty commnents - I'm so sad you are not getting the praise you deserve. I can't help but think that all of this with your AH may turn into a blessing. You will be able to help those boys so much after living through all of this. You have insight that most people don't and you probably have a good idea about their feelings and confusion. Taking care of yourself will be one of the best things you can do for them. I have a similar situation in my family its not easy for anyone. I truly wish you the best!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
Thank you, everyone! You all brought tears to my eyes because I so needed to hear some confirmation that I'm doing the right thing. I know in my heart I am, but as I'm working in my own self-esteem, self-love and confidence I have so much anxiety! I guess my STBXAH still gets in my head and now I see I need to exorcise him from my life. I also talked to CPS and social services and they've recommended I start my divorce proceedings ASAP so that there are no complications when the adoption process starts. For now I'm taking guardianship, the kids are still technically "foster" kids and I'll have to go through a lot of screening, home visits, etc. and a nasty divorce could complicate things the farther in the process I get with the kids.
Thankfully I have family who are totally supportive and everyone is pulling together for the boys. Yes, I will be taking them but my family has already stepped up with schedules, pick ups, babysitting, etc. My stupid STBXAH's comments have been eating away at me, he has no idea the full story. He thinks I'll be living with my parents indefinitely and made fun of me, he said "well, it looks like you'll never be able to move out your parents house since you decided to play mommy with someone else's boys because you can't have any of your own." What a *****! I didn't respond nor did I even give a hint of what my plans are. I wanted to rub it in his face, but I won't because I need to protect my privacy now. I'm actually in the process of getting a bank loan for renovations to a house (which my parents own and they will be giving to me) a block from my parents. He made me feel stupid for still "being under" my parents (even though he doesn't know I'll have my own house), but I shouldn't, right? So what if my parents are helping me out! My family loves me and give me more support then he ever did! He's just mad because his parents told him he couldn't stay with them and the lease on the house is up at the end if the month and he has nowhere to go. I take that back, he's probably working overtime on some foolish poor girl who he's going to leech off next. That gets under my skin too, but I actually feel pity for his next victim. He's also *supposedly* gone to 3 counseling sessions so he blessed me with some rants about what's wrong with ME! Umm, shouldn't your therapist be talking to you about YOU! I think he's full of it! He made me cry about the being too old to not have kids comment! I mean, I had a real breakdown last night... But so what, right? I can have kids, I just didn't want any with him and wasted the last 5 baby-making years of my life on taking care of his childish a$$!
Yes, I think I'm ready for NC once the lease is up and I can sever our finances. He is so unbelievably cruel, he knows how to cut right to the core with his smug narcissistic words. I believe *hate* is a very strong word, but I'm really starting to hate him with a passion. I could come back with a lot of bitter cruel remarks, but I won't because it'll only show he's getting to me which is what he wants. I also don't want to reveal any of my future plans in the heat of a moment. Let him believe I'm pitifully living with my parents for the rest if my life "strapped" with kids that aren't mine so I can pretend to be a mom. Jerk! I will have my own house, with two beautiful boys who love me and need me, surrounded by more family who loves me more! And one day I will find a good man and friend to have more kids with! (I'm not really "looking" for a man... not now... I just need to remind myself that there can be a good man in my future haha). HE was my deadweight! I'm pretty, successful, financially independent, and used to be so much more independent and strong before he came through my life like a tornado... it's okay though, I'm finding that strong independent woman again and every day that passes I see her, ME, a little more... with the weak a$$ b***** (his favorite pet name for me) fading away.
Thankfully I have family who are totally supportive and everyone is pulling together for the boys. Yes, I will be taking them but my family has already stepped up with schedules, pick ups, babysitting, etc. My stupid STBXAH's comments have been eating away at me, he has no idea the full story. He thinks I'll be living with my parents indefinitely and made fun of me, he said "well, it looks like you'll never be able to move out your parents house since you decided to play mommy with someone else's boys because you can't have any of your own." What a *****! I didn't respond nor did I even give a hint of what my plans are. I wanted to rub it in his face, but I won't because I need to protect my privacy now. I'm actually in the process of getting a bank loan for renovations to a house (which my parents own and they will be giving to me) a block from my parents. He made me feel stupid for still "being under" my parents (even though he doesn't know I'll have my own house), but I shouldn't, right? So what if my parents are helping me out! My family loves me and give me more support then he ever did! He's just mad because his parents told him he couldn't stay with them and the lease on the house is up at the end if the month and he has nowhere to go. I take that back, he's probably working overtime on some foolish poor girl who he's going to leech off next. That gets under my skin too, but I actually feel pity for his next victim. He's also *supposedly* gone to 3 counseling sessions so he blessed me with some rants about what's wrong with ME! Umm, shouldn't your therapist be talking to you about YOU! I think he's full of it! He made me cry about the being too old to not have kids comment! I mean, I had a real breakdown last night... But so what, right? I can have kids, I just didn't want any with him and wasted the last 5 baby-making years of my life on taking care of his childish a$$!
Yes, I think I'm ready for NC once the lease is up and I can sever our finances. He is so unbelievably cruel, he knows how to cut right to the core with his smug narcissistic words. I believe *hate* is a very strong word, but I'm really starting to hate him with a passion. I could come back with a lot of bitter cruel remarks, but I won't because it'll only show he's getting to me which is what he wants. I also don't want to reveal any of my future plans in the heat of a moment. Let him believe I'm pitifully living with my parents for the rest if my life "strapped" with kids that aren't mine so I can pretend to be a mom. Jerk! I will have my own house, with two beautiful boys who love me and need me, surrounded by more family who loves me more! And one day I will find a good man and friend to have more kids with! (I'm not really "looking" for a man... not now... I just need to remind myself that there can be a good man in my future haha). HE was my deadweight! I'm pretty, successful, financially independent, and used to be so much more independent and strong before he came through my life like a tornado... it's okay though, I'm finding that strong independent woman again and every day that passes I see her, ME, a little more... with the weak a$$ b***** (his favorite pet name for me) fading away.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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You are just sounding so good and so strong, and I had tears in my eyes reading that, I just need to give you (((((((hugs)))))), and I thank you for being part of this community so that I can say I know you. I am so proud of you !!!!!!
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Location: Ireland
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i don't know how to explain my brother's existence!
My father was 50 and my mother 47 when he was born.
Which made them 40 and 37 when I was born.
I am so confused!
Wow, wow, wow! on adopting your nephews!
You are super!
My father was 50 and my mother 47 when he was born.
Which made them 40 and 37 when I was born.
I am so confused!
Wow, wow, wow! on adopting your nephews!
You are super!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
A dear friend of mine met the love of her life long after she had divorced her first husband and raised two sons from that marriage. In her mid 50's, with the help of some medical miracles, she had a second family - daughter and son - with her new husband who had never been married before. They have a wonderful life together. So 35 is still very young; you have all the time in the world ahead of you.
Kudos to you for stepping up with great love and taking charge of creating a happy family for your nephews. May the force be with you!
ShootingStar1
Kudos to you for stepping up with great love and taking charge of creating a happy family for your nephews. May the force be with you!
ShootingStar1
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You have saved those boys, and I think in turn they have saved you. I don't really believe in coincidences. You are committing a completely selfless act, taking in your nephews. God bless all of you. And if He chooses to smite your STBXAH, I might smile a little. What an a-hole.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
You are amazing!
You are also smart to keep all of the info on the downlow so he doesn't slow down divorce to hurt you.
Push the mute / ignore switch on in your mind anytime you have to engage him and his verbal abuse and realize it is so nearly over
You are also smart to keep all of the info on the downlow so he doesn't slow down divorce to hurt you.
Push the mute / ignore switch on in your mind anytime you have to engage him and his verbal abuse and realize it is so nearly over
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