Unwilling to reconcile - need advice/support
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Janq 
Yet, once I left, and the nice things he has and his comfortable life were threatened, he actually stopped. It seems to confirm that stopping drinking was not altruistic or because he cares about me, but because he cares so much about himself and without me, and my support, his comfortable life is likely to evaporate. I'm sure he tells himself he stopped drinking for me or out of concern or love for me, but how could it be anything other than primarily out of self-love when knowing that he had physically abused and hurt me and left marks wasn't enough?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Im in the exact same boat. Divorce filed, separate tesidence, etc. I too have lost that feeling and what i csn say is that i wish him well, i hope he is a good parent to our girls, and i hope he recovers. Today he was trying to manipulate by making me feel bad. Yesterday my DD wrote a prayer in her journal for us to get back together. I will not, and know if i did it would not, could not, last. I did not separate until i was 200% certain bc i dont want to split and reconcile, thats even harder for kids. I know he will heal, i knowmy kids will get through this. It may take time but thats ok.
Stay strong, your in a good place and you deserve to be free.
Stay strong, your in a good place and you deserve to be free.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Jang,
I read a somewhat unsettling quote recently: "forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
The myth of romantic love is one of the most pervasive in our culture, and that is where your friends are likely coming from. The reality is that some broken things never heal. Ignoring that or trying to make the unworkable work is may be more damaging to your child than simply moving on. Your friends and family are well intentioned, they only want to fix what they perceive to be broken but repairable. You seem very clear on where you stand, and if you have thought it through and the answer remains the same over time, you owe your ex and your friends no further explanation.
I was the alcoholic in a 15 year relationship, and it ended three years before I quit drinking. We parted amicably enough, and remain in contact a few times a year, but we cannot un-do what has happened. It's a sad truth that sometimes being happy with what remains is the best we can hope for.
I read a somewhat unsettling quote recently: "forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
The myth of romantic love is one of the most pervasive in our culture, and that is where your friends are likely coming from. The reality is that some broken things never heal. Ignoring that or trying to make the unworkable work is may be more damaging to your child than simply moving on. Your friends and family are well intentioned, they only want to fix what they perceive to be broken but repairable. You seem very clear on where you stand, and if you have thought it through and the answer remains the same over time, you owe your ex and your friends no further explanation.
I was the alcoholic in a 15 year relationship, and it ended three years before I quit drinking. We parted amicably enough, and remain in contact a few times a year, but we cannot un-do what has happened. It's a sad truth that sometimes being happy with what remains is the best we can hope for.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by Janq
Once the threat of losing me and the things I bring to our lives was reasonably distant in his mind, he would slowly start up again (even if years later)
Let go of what he says his therapist thinks and so forth. It's very difficult to tune out the irrelevant noise of what other people think, but once you can do that, clarity and serenity are yours.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think your point of view makes perfect sense, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. People leave their marriages for far lesser reasons than this every single day & don't have to explain themselves against the judgments of others.
I think you sound very smart & in tune with your gut instincts. I don't think you'll spend one moment regretting putting your needs & desires first here & I find your awareness & sense of personal balance very inspiring!!!
I think you sound very smart & in tune with your gut instincts. I don't think you'll spend one moment regretting putting your needs & desires first here & I find your awareness & sense of personal balance very inspiring!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Look at you - all healthy and FREE!
Hang in there - outsiders don't know the extent that you've been through....and 2 months sobriety is nothing. It's great - and I hope the best for him....but after years of substance abuse, he doesn't know which way is up right now.
Keep fighting the good fight, you're and your kids future is much, much brighter! Be good to yourself - you've earned it!
Hang in there - outsiders don't know the extent that you've been through....and 2 months sobriety is nothing. It's great - and I hope the best for him....but after years of substance abuse, he doesn't know which way is up right now.
Keep fighting the good fight, you're and your kids future is much, much brighter! Be good to yourself - you've earned it!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by amy55
Wow, I wanna be you when I grow up !!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, there is no reason for anymore chances. He lost your trust, he lost your love, and there is no reason to sacrifice yourself for him. You deserve the best.
(((((((hugs))))))
No, there is no reason for anymore chances. He lost your trust, he lost your love, and there is no reason to sacrifice yourself for him. You deserve the best.
(((((((hugs))))))
^^^^^ this is exactly what I was thinking when reading your post. I'm ten months into sep from STBXAH and he's back in touch being nice. I felt my guard slipping slightly but thankfully am currently away on holiday so have space and time to reflect accurately. I wish you such huge amounts of continued strength and wisdom, but can I also tell you that your post has helped me find my groove again tonight and that you've inspired me to stick to the road I chose for so, so many reasons, not least the safety of my beautiful little daughters. Thank you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
WOW so strong , I wish I was where you are right now . I admire that you can make a decision based on what is right for you and your children. You go girl!
and as Amy55 said , I wanna be you when I grow up , actually I wanna be you (or your mind set ) right now
and as Amy55 said , I wanna be you when I grow up , actually I wanna be you (or your mind set ) right now
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Like others have said. 2 months sober is no proof of anything on his part.
If you feel it's over, it's over.
I'm sure my ex husbands father still blames me for his sons demise, many, many, years later. The addiction went on longer than 2 months, those behaviours don't just "disappear" magically.
Sure, a nicer person may surface, initially, but there's a lot of work to do in the long term and no guarantees.
Aside from all that, it's your choice whether you want that in your life or not. And I'm glad you aren't swayed by "guilt" being out on you by others.
If you feel it's over, it's over.
I'm sure my ex husbands father still blames me for his sons demise, many, many, years later. The addiction went on longer than 2 months, those behaviours don't just "disappear" magically.
Sure, a nicer person may surface, initially, but there's a lot of work to do in the long term and no guarantees.
Aside from all that, it's your choice whether you want that in your life or not. And I'm glad you aren't swayed by "guilt" being out on you by others.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Janq
Forgiveness does not equal falling in love again, or romantic attachment, or trust. It just means that I am not going to carry anger or a grudge over some way that I was wronged in the past by AH.
Originally Posted by Janq
He had all the warning he needed and he chose not to make any changes, despite a lot of communication on my part and all the knowledge he needed. Once it became so awful that I had to leave, that meant that it was just over, forever. I have already done all the work I felt that I could. I tried and tried and tried, for many years - nearly a decade. I don't want to try again, not after everything I've been through, especially in the last year.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have never seen a person on the F&F boards who gave up and did not try hard enough. Everyone on here has tried so very hard, that is what brings us together as a group.
Much Love and Hugs!
Much Love and Hugs!
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
Thank you for these, Janq. I'm 6 years away and 3 years divorced from him. The idea of forgiving AXH has been a struggle for me, and I still have times when the guilt of 'not trying hard enough' to save our family washes over me. Thank you for the clarity of your post and the reminder that I didn't just give up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
This thread and all of your comments have helped me so much. Sometimes you know something is true, but you still need understanding and validation to be able to feel and live it on a deep level.
Thank you for the thoughts and support. It is just what I needed. The last few days have been, honestly, transformative. I went from knowing logically that all of these things were true, but still struggling with them and my doubts and apprehensions and feelings, to having that feeling of resolve and healing. I know there are a lot of bad days still to come, but something huge has been resolved and it is not going back. It was clear when I saw stbxah today. Things have changed - for me, unquestionably for the better. For him - I hope he stays in recovery and does the right things to make his life the best it can be, but I also know I can face and handle and cope with him turning into a complete disaster. The disaster of him is not my problem, and the repercussions (primarily with respect to our child) would be hard but that's what we do, right? We struggle all the time to make the best out of difficult situations. If he goes off the rails, I just keep marching forward. My path is my path and his is his. I am no longer carrying him or crying over him. I am just moving forward on my path, holding the hand of our daughter, hoping for the best but knowing that whatever happens, I can figure it out because I am sure of MYSELF.
Thank you for the thoughts and support. It is just what I needed. The last few days have been, honestly, transformative. I went from knowing logically that all of these things were true, but still struggling with them and my doubts and apprehensions and feelings, to having that feeling of resolve and healing. I know there are a lot of bad days still to come, but something huge has been resolved and it is not going back. It was clear when I saw stbxah today. Things have changed - for me, unquestionably for the better. For him - I hope he stays in recovery and does the right things to make his life the best it can be, but I also know I can face and handle and cope with him turning into a complete disaster. The disaster of him is not my problem, and the repercussions (primarily with respect to our child) would be hard but that's what we do, right? We struggle all the time to make the best out of difficult situations. If he goes off the rails, I just keep marching forward. My path is my path and his is his. I am no longer carrying him or crying over him. I am just moving forward on my path, holding the hand of our daughter, hoping for the best but knowing that whatever happens, I can figure it out because I am sure of MYSELF.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Changing people, places and things…….true dat.
Sometimes there is healing, but no repairing a relationship.
Congrats on what you are doing for yourself - many kudos for letting the A walk his own path and you yours.
Sometimes there is healing, but no repairing a relationship.
Congrats on what you are doing for yourself - many kudos for letting the A walk his own path and you yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My path is my path and his is his. I am no longer carrying him or crying over him. I am just moving forward on my path, holding the hand of our daughter, hoping for the best but knowing that whatever happens, I can figure it out because I am sure of MYSELF.
This is a profound insight. You have distilled the essence of healing into a code and commitment to live by.
You might want to print it out and when times get tough, look at it again and remember the path you have chosen.
Thank you from all of us who read this,
ShootingStar1
This is a profound insight. You have distilled the essence of healing into a code and commitment to live by.
You might want to print it out and when times get tough, look at it again and remember the path you have chosen.
Thank you from all of us who read this,
ShootingStar1
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