Teamwork?

Old 06-30-2014, 11:21 AM
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Teamwork?

So every week ABF and I "split" the baby sitter costs. its $110 a week, I pay 50, he pays 60.

I forgot to pay him before I went grocery shopping....$130+ later, plus 60 in gas....I am about 30 dollars short. I told him I'll give him what I have, and I'll pay him the rest on Friday along with the 50 for that week too.

He is pissed. Said his dad told him that he only has $120 in his bank account (1....your dad had to tell you....2....that's about $100 more than what I have)

I told him that there isn't anything I can do other than what I've told him I can do. He hung up on me after I told him that if he didn't spend over $20 a day in beer then having $120 in his account wouldn't be an issued until Friday.

Anyway. I know I'm at fault because I don't have enough to pay him back right away, but this sort of thing is what keeps me from seeing us as a team. When he went into the hospital the last time, he missed a whole weeks worth of pay and I covered the whole week of the sitter and never asked him to pay me back. I let it go. I'm not asking him to let it go necessarily, just be patient and I can't even have that.

He texted me and told me that next week I am to pay the sitter all of it. I just replied back "No. I will pay what I owe you." no more, no less. I'm trying to not put emotion into it because it will stir up a fight.

Is this normal for relationships? is Patience not to be expected? or understanding? or is this an A thing? If it were the other way around I would have to understand for him.
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:23 AM
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Is this normal for relationships?
No.

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Old 06-30-2014, 11:39 AM
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I don't think it's normal either.

In my relationship we have always kept finances separate, the whole 50/50 thing. He used to tell his other friends all the time that we don't fight about money because we split everything. Ummm... I don't really find that to be the truth.

For us generally what happens is we split things, but whenever money gets tight he pulls out the "you make more money than me" card and he tries to redefine who pays what and how much that should be. Never considering that I pay most of the unscheduled expenses like trips to the doctors office, kids clothing, lunch money, those sorts of things. Not to mention when he acquires new things that cause his bills to go up, that is some how partly my responsibility as well. And lets not even try to factor in anything like saving or tax returns. We either pool them together to make his dreams come to life, or he spends his out right on some NEED, then when I'm the only one with savings I get to make up for all the pitfalls.

I'm sure this wouldn't go well in the argument department, but I'm thinking maybe he owes you $30 towards the groceries he intends to eat?
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:43 AM
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Hi Blossom717,

Thanks for sharing. From my perspective, all relationships have arguments like these. We all struggle with patience, budgeting our money, and such. With that said, budgeting money for a relationship that doesn't involve an alcoholic might look like this: I didn't have money to pay the sitter this week because I lent money to my mom to help her with x, not to buy alcohol. Most adults who are mature and living on their own can usually budget or likely understand the importance of paying the sitter for their child over purchasing alcohol.

I don't know your current situation and I can't speak for everyone. That is my take. I recall many, many birthdays where I got absolutely nothing and asked myself if this was "normal"? Is it normal to get nothing from your boyfriend for your birthday, but he bought several packs of cigarettes and manages to have money for alcohol? No, it is not normal, at all. When you begin to think it's normal, that's a big problem. When you have to think to yourself to ask if it is normal, it is probably not a good sign.

Something very valuable I learned during the time I left my alcoholic ex was: you can't expect anything from the other person. Expectations are premeditated resentments and the more you expect, the more you will resent them for what YOU expected. Under normal, sober circumstances, it would be reasonable to expect patience and understanding. But these are not normal or sober circumstances.

Take care.
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:48 AM
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isitme - we keep our financials separate too. I buy groceries, pay my bills like car insurance, health insurance, I'm usually the one to pay dr visits, always the one to miss work for them, and I'm usually the one who buys holiday gifts and all her clothes unless family gets her something. He does pay the house bills like mortgage and utilities but if I had the money I'd be all for chipping in. He knows that. I bring home a third of what he does. I do all the house work after work and take care of DD once I get home. He picks her up from the sitter but that's about it.

Usually he gets like this after he does something and wants me to feel as bad as he does. (He got some pain killers from a "friend" on Saturday, left one on the night stand right where DD could scoop it up if she wanted. I confronted him about it yesterday when I saw it. He was apologetic but had an attitude since)
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:51 AM
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It's normal for a manipulator. Stand your ground. Remind him that you did not charge him when he was in the hospital if you think that would help. Likely it won't b/c he is clearly not being rational.

Hugs. It's hard, I know.
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:57 AM
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Yup yup and Yup! For us the funny part about me making more is, after I pay insurance and other things our take home is about the same.

I used to like the way we shared responsibility. But somewhere along the way it started to feel like more of a division. Like you said.. it doesn't feel like teamwork. Duties, money, child care... I understand some roles are kind of ingrained in us growing up. But does everything have to be so cut and dry? Isn't the point of being in a relationship to have someone there to help through these times? (not the only reason, but you know what I mean) In some instances I've found it actually easier to negotiate with daycare on a delayed payment then bring up any sort of money concern to him. Do you feel that way sometimes?
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
Yup yup and Yup! For us the funny part about me making more is, after I pay insurance and other things our take home is about the same.

I used to like the way we shared responsibility. But somewhere along the way it started to feel like more of a division. Like you said.. it doesn't feel like teamwork. Duties, money, child care... I understand some roles are kind of ingrained in us growing up. But does everything have to be so cut and dry? Isn't the point of being in a relationship to have someone there to help through these times? (not the only reason, but you know what I mean) In some instances I've found it actually easier to negotiate with daycare on a delayed payment then bring up any sort of money concern to him. Do you feel that way sometimes?
Yup! I feel like its easier to deal with anyone than him most of the time.

Honestly, Other than the money part, I feel like we are already separated. Half the time I forget that I'm NOT literally a single parent. Could have fooled me.

But anyway. I'm going to take out what I can to pay him. It'll leave me with about....5 dollars in my bank account and I'll still owe him 10 but as long as he's happy....(sarcasm)
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:08 PM
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Just b/c he says jump does not mean you have to say, "How High."
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:15 PM
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yeah.. I'd totally see if you can wait that one out.
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Old 06-30-2014, 12:24 PM
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okay...I'll just give him the 20 that I told him I would the first time. If I give in I know he will just keep taking.
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Old 06-30-2014, 01:49 PM
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btw...he just called and asked if "we" needed anything from the grocery store... after all that crap earlier!!

(days like this he is going to the grocery store so he can buy beer without his dad figuring it out on the bank statement)
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Old 06-30-2014, 02:04 PM
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Oh gosh. As an alcoholic with a totally sober partner, I'd say no, this isn't normal and it's not cool. The thing is, although I screwed a lot of stuff up through my drinking, I always worked overtime to meet my financial commitments and although I know that this isn't the case with every alcoholic, I also know that there has to be a line you need to draw.

Patience is one thing, but being financially screwed over when you have commitments is quite another.
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Old 06-30-2014, 02:40 PM
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When I was with my ex, "teamwork" meant I took care of 90% of the household stuff, groceries, laundry, anything involving the car, yard work and childcare while he expected all kinds of praise and adulation for any bare minimum of responsible adult behavior.
Oh boy, he did a sinkful of dishes, time for a standing ovation. He wrote a check to National Fuel, better hire a sky writer and let everyone know!
It was utterly ridiculous.
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Old 06-30-2014, 02:53 PM
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I hope you gave him a week's grocery list!

I wouldn't hand over the last little bit of money just to shut him up, you have a child to think of too.
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Old 06-30-2014, 04:33 PM
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Alcoholics don't get the concept of teamwork.
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Old 06-30-2014, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 View Post
btw...he just called and asked if "we" needed anything from the grocery store... after all that crap earlier!!

(days like this he is going to the grocery store so he can buy beer without his dad figuring it out on the bank statement)
My ex used to show up with a bagful of Twinkies and beef jerky and pretend he was contributing to the household when the whole shopping trip was just a cover to buy booze and smuggle it into the house. So weird how he always thought he was being sneaky, then a few hours later he'd be staggering around the house blackout drunk like just because I didn't see the booze come into the house I would have no idea he'd been drinking. He really thought he was slick.
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Old 06-30-2014, 08:53 PM
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I completely gave my XAH a free ride this month , no support, ins, nothing to pay. I knew he was setting up his apartment and i wanted it to be nice for him snd our girls. So a $600 gift. He thought it a huge deal bc he gave DD $12 for a shirt. Really??!!
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Old 07-01-2014, 05:05 AM
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I gave him 20, did some house work while he and his buddies were outside drinking around his boat in the driveway. Hopeful, at least you know you helped your dds. If they make it to work everyday they feel like they should get a friggin' cookie.

Then when DD was whining in the bathtub (Shes in a full on dramatic stage....3 year olds...) he decided to tell me how to bathe her. He's probably only done it about 4 times in her life.

I detached last night while he was drinking and trying to have conversations. He got angry and said that there has to be something going on with me. I just said that I'm choosing not to have a conversation with him when he's drinking.


Blah blah blah. BTW did I mention I found a house that I reallllllllly like that's for sale? Its affordable but needs a special loan. Its old, has been for sale since 2008. If I get one of the jobs I've applied for then I'm going to see if I qualify for a loan. It'd be cheaper than rent, and it'd be mine and DD's, no one elses.
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Old 07-01-2014, 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler View Post
My ex used to show up with a bagful of Twinkies and beef jerky and pretend he was contributing to the household
When I was in the middle of a divorce from my first ex-husband, who was also an alcoholic, I was waiting for the child support to kick in. I took the kids over there for the weekend and he gave me some coupons he had cut out of the paper to "help" me.

Wasn't that nice?

I told him I needed some money not coupons. I can't use the coupons if I don't have any money. He half laughed and told me he had a jug full of pennies in his room.

I told him that I would take them. He thought I was kidding, I wasn’t.

He didn’t give them to me.
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