Woodman123

Hi all... need some advice. I'm in an awkward situation and not sure how to think about this- definitely welcome perspectives here. So, my AW and I accepted an invitation (almost a year ago) to attend a concert with our neighbors. They purchased the tickets for all 4 of us, and the concert is coming up next week.

Understatement to say a few things have changed over the year- many detoxs/rehabs, marriage on the brink, currently separated.

So, the dilemma is that she wants to go to this concert. It's an outdoors rock concert, so needless to say there will be MANY drinks a flowing. I understand she really wants to see this band, but I told her this is not smart to put herself into this situation. She states that she's fine with that, and knows she will not be drinking and wants to be our designated driver. Now, I'm fine with the designated driver concept, but this whole thing makes me uncomfortable on so many levels- she is nowhere near a 'safe' place with her recovery (if there even is one) and it puts myself and our neighbors in an awkward state, because frankly, we'd like to have a few beers ourselves.

I don't feel it's my right, or responsibility, to tell her she cannot go. So, should I just not try to 'manage' this and let her be the driver and let things be as they will be? Thanks for any guidance here.

MissFixit

If you can really trust that she WILL remain sober to be the designated driver, then maybe its not such a big deal. I could see it being really uncomfortable to go on a group date with your separated spouse. I assume your friends know that you two are separated now...and they still want to go together with both of you?

Woodman123

Trust? hmmmm.... that's a tough one. I really don't trust anymore, BUT I believe she will remain sober since she'll be under 'watch'. As to the neighbor's willingness? I really don't think they would have a problem, but i guess that remains to be seen.

FeelingGreat

Woodman, I think you could give her a chance, but also have a contingency plan in place. You could probably have a couple of beers then stop in time for it to be out of your system. Personally I found that I was ok for events where I had prepared myself well in advance. If it goes ok it will be a boost to her confidence.

dandylion

Woodman123---I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes---provided that you really want to go....

I would ride with the neighbors and let your wife drive herself. If she drinks---then she can spend 100$ on a cab. If she doesn't like that---well, that is just the breaks. We don't always get exactly what we want. She isn't a little kid--sometimes, we just have to take what we can get---learning to live life on life's terms.

Me--I would probably take along some sodas and sandwiches (depending on the venue--sitting on a blanket, or not) for myself. I have seen some really good concerts---Bob Dylan, Bob Seger, Bruce Springsteen, Van Morrison, Paul McCartney, Stephenwolf, Meatloaf, Moody Blues, Doc Watson, George Jones and Tammy Wynette, etc....
and, never once drank a single alcoholic beverage and enjoyed it as much as humanly possible--I'm talking DOPAMINE HIGH!!

Personally, I think she is taking a big risk, at this point--I think her sponsor should kick her ass for doing it---BUT...you can't control her and you will only pay the price if you try to. You can only decide to do what you think is the right thing for you. Don't sacrifice yourself just to keep from "harshing her mellow....LOL. Practice putting yourself first.

Woodman--that is how it looks from where I sit. I hope this helps you a little bit....

Good luck...

dandylion

Live

I would also have my own transportation, try to detach from what she may or may not do and keep my side of the street clean, let go and let her handle herself, however that turns out.

Florence

She wants to go, she should go. Do *you* want to go? If not, don't go. You guys are separated.

If you decide to go, let her handle her own business, and you guys should have another mode of transportation. Can you hire a cab for the night, knowing the majority of you will be drinking?

If she's going to drink, she's going to drink. The concert isn't the catalyst, the alcoholism is.

Croissant

Reading back on your most recent posts, Woodman, you weren't that confident in her sobriety earlier this month, so no....I would not be risking a scene at a concert about this.

Most venues have public transport directly to them, there's your option. She may be opting to drive because it "gives her a reason" to stay sober....her past history is not enough that you should risk it, nor expose your friends to her potentially drink driving.

This concert is a potential huge trigger for her, if you are separated, then transport to the concert should reflect that.

Just my opinion....I know I'm direct, it's not meant to offend.

airwick

Woodman: What she does is this situation is not your concern. If she drinks, in becomes your concern only to the point of your safety. I've been sober for a little over 100 days, I've never been to a concert in my entire life ( I'm 49 and would love to go ) and I would not go for a fear of temptation. We all handle our alcohol dependency differently.


(just my opinion, go without the X, find a nonalcoholic driver....their out there)

MissFixit

Do they know she is an A and you are separated? Your circumstances are not what they were a year ago when concert was planned.

FireSprite

^Ditto

I think I would want to have a convo with the friends & just be as honest as possible.... especially since they bought the tickets. "we are separated, the drinking is an issue, I have concerns, I don't want to make you guys feel uncomfortable..."

I can say that if I were the friends & we hadn't been socially hanging out together as couples throughout her attempt at sobriety, I might consider "uninviting" AW because the circumstances had changed so much & the original plans were made so long ago.... really depends on their comfort level. I would be disappointed if the night was a disaster & I didn't know all the factors ahead of time.

It's probably wrong of me to feel that way, but if I'd sprung the pretty penny for 4 tix & had been looking forward to the event for a year, I would want to do my best to ensure a good time. Maybe they don't care either way, but it would still feel good to me to have that conversation ahead of time.

hopeful4

I would not attend with her. I would tell the neighbors the truth and offer to reimburse them for my ticket and tell them to give it to another friend with huge apologies.

No concert is worth how this has the potential to blow up. She is playing with fire, that does not mean you have to participate.

Just my .02, sorry you are having to deal with this.

m1k3

This would be a huge trigger for me. I wouldn't enjoy the concert even if she didn't have a drink because I was there with her and I would be on edge the entire time. If I was in this situation I would have to pass on the concert.

Your friend,

CAPTAINZING2000

You're going right? Make sure your wife has a big meal prior to the concert and a soft drink or water in her hand all the time.

There is nothing a person can do to stop a person from drinking unless, you're locking them in a closet while you go to work.

CodeJob

Her recovery is her own.

Sitting there worrying about her and doubting her is being a total Codie.

Either one of you backing out is not admitting the woman can get drunk and tool around at any time.

Go. Get your own ride. Detach.

Sungrl

I'm a party pooper, but I just wouldn't go. Spending an evening with someone I'm separated with and having the anxiety of will they or won't they all night does not sound like fun. Life is too short.

Stung

I agree with this. Your wife is still in early recovery and hopefully you're working on yourself too but if it were me, this would be a really difficult environment for me to be in and not feel resentful or controlling. Regardless of whether she drinks or not, can you actually have a good time there with her? IMO, this sounds like torture, not fun. Even if John Lennon were brought back from the dead and was performing live for one night only, I still would not attend with my newly recovering alcoholic husband. IMO, concerts are more drinking heavy than even wine tasting is which would mean my controlling instincts and anxiety would be on high alert.

GracieLou

As much as I hate to say the word "expect"...I would expect anger from her because she can't drink.

I went to a concert and I was fine, my newly sober friend, not so much.

There were a lot of drunk people. People running around with two drinks in each hand. People up and down to get more drinks. On and on it went.

In my mind..."I am so glad I do not have to live my life like that anymore"
In his mind..."damn it, I want a drink. It is not fair that I can't drink. Look at all these people having a good time and I have to sit here, SOBER! This sucks!"

It was not a fun night and took a LOT of patience and tolerance on my part.

If you go, you may want to prepare yourself for anger and this not being a fun evening.

Just saying!

suncatcher

Tough situation depending on the circumstances. I am assuming you are on friendly terms and support her in her recovery process. If you all can go and have a good time without the focus being on her and her drinking or not drinking then go and enjoy! If you are worried there will be an episode or drama involved then maybe take someone else? It is whatever you are comfortable with. I would have alternate transportation though if she does go. It's a lot of pressure she doesn't need especially if she is early in recovery. Best of luck

NYCDoglvr

I define myself as an alcoholic (recovering, 22 years) because once I pick up one drink I can't stop. You have no control over your wife's drinking but you can decide to abstain from alcohol and be the designated driver. Or, you can decide not to go.