Where do I belong?

Old 07-01-2014, 07:57 AM
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Sunday, this man has a mental disorder. You see that a lot with alcoholism. The thing is, you want him to say and do all of these things to be a good person to you. He is not going to do that at all, and in fact is going to only blame you. It's manipulation at it's finest and actually a form of abuse. You need to check around. Here there is a place if you are abused in any way (Including verbal, emoational), you qualify for free counseling. There are places to go, you have to check around.

You truly need to get away from this very very unhealthy relationship. You are wishing him to be someone he maybe once was. That is not going to happen at all, he IS NOT that person and never will be again. It's time to face that, put the focus back on you and be able to do things that are good for YOU.
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Old 07-01-2014, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by sunday9 View Post
This is my first post. Have lurked for years. My ABF lives with me in my home that I own. No kids. We have pets. He sometimes pays rent. This has gone on for 7 years (minus 2 while he was in prison for dui). When he got out of prison his drinking got worse. He now drinks about 3x a week - usually at least 12 beers but he really needs 20 or more and a 2 day drunk.

I have gone to Al-Anon during this - the first go-round I only went a few times. Last fall I was at my rock-bottom and went to a few groups - sometimes 4x a week for almost 3 months. I bought a few books and wanted to work steps. Only problem -- "it's about me...not about him"..... I couldn't and can't distinguish the difference there. It is ALL about him. It really is. He controls my life. He is a huge drunk - larger than life. Keeps me up all hours ...does scary and nutty things, pawns his tools, lets the dogs run loose, leaves with the doors wide open, sets huge fires in the grill at 4am. I have to be on watch when he is drinking. So I can't be normal or rested until he is sober for a day or so.

Besides insane, I am co-dependent. I don't have family ...except for my friends. I want this to work, be like it was when we met. He is yet again - off with a woman....knowing how it hurts me but later says he wouldn't do it if he were sober. I yet again will ask him to move and he will stall and beg or maybe even move again but trot back 2 months later just as I am getting over him. He says I push his buttons and make him so angry and I am guilty. I do it because of his disregard for me. So he leaves now as a woman he met at AA is at his moment's notice. And I am feeling guilty for pushing those buttons and not being ok with "who he is" and all. I feel like I should have turned the other cheek again just in hopes things might be better.

I need more help than my friends can give. I do want it to be "about me" but first I have to exorcise the pain he brings to my life and Al-Anon doesn't seem to be about that? Is there a place online I can do that? No $ for psych. I should be able to want him out of my life and give up already!!! I am sorry I ramble and am such a hot mess!

I still don't know how to do separate little quotes, one of these days I'll figure it out, but what I wanted to point out to you in the above is where you said
"I yet again will ask him to move and he will stall and beg or maybe even move again but trot back 2 months later just as I am getting over him"

I went through this. He would disappear for a few months, it was hard in the beginning, because my head was still spinning like I was in the "exorcist", when he was around I couldn't think, the only things that I was able to think about was to try to figure out how to stay out of his fights, I was hypervigilant. I wasn't able to think about me, I was too busy thinking about survival. This would last for about a week or 2, maybe even 3 weeks. I would then start to relax. My peace and serenity was coming back. I was able to think about me and start to eat again, start to shower again, start to go out, instead of hiding in my house. I would start to feel better and do nice things for me, because I wasn't "on edge" anymore. I swear he had some kind of a radar on that, because as soon as I was getting "me" back he would trot in and say, "did you get over it yet? we haven't fought in 2 months, you should have had enough time to let things go".

And my head started spinning again !!!!! I wonder why.
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Old 07-01-2014, 09:34 AM
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Really funny because I am an only child .....it is hard for me to put the focus on me. Maybe that could be a result of being an only....I always wanted someone else around to focus on, to share with. I have lived alone most of my life and he is my first real relationship. I feel a bond, responsibility to him. He really has nobody else. I have given up much for him. I don't know if I am ready to cut him completely out of my life. I just need something to change ....I know I shouldn't use that word with a A but unless he changes something this relationship, his living here, his safety and life are all at risk. He knows it but the beer is too tempting. Unreal and baffling disease!
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Old 07-01-2014, 09:41 AM
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It is baffling, that is for sure. You have to do things on your own timeline and for what is right for you. While we can give you input, encourage you, send you hugs and lots of love, that is the extent of our job here. We are a constant sounding board for you, but actual decisions are for you to make. There is no rush. This is no marathon, it's your life.

No matter what we will not judge you. We will not tell you that your decision is wrong or right. We will support you.

Tight Hugs.
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Old 07-01-2014, 11:05 AM
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One of the first lessons I learned here is the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

I just need something to change
This is truth, you need something to change. You've tried for years to change him and that didn't work. So, the only thing left to change is you.

He is showing you the real him. Believe it. It's who he really is. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde are a package deal. No matter how nice he is at times he is also Mr Hyde.

I know this is hard, I've been in a similar place with my xwife. But at some point I had to change or else. I had to accept that my marriage and my relationship were toxic to me. It isn't about punishment or revenge, it's about survival.

You are worth it.

Your friend,
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Old 07-01-2014, 11:41 AM
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You can wait until it gets a lot worse, which it will. I was also addicted to an alcoholic (recovering with no program) and realized it wasn't about love, it was about need. My sick need for the drama, to keep the focus off myself and my screwy thinking. The focus was on him as well, because that's what I choose. It was when I realized I didn't trust or respect him as a person that I was able to walk out. Alanon saved my sanity, probably my life.
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Old 07-01-2014, 12:31 PM
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m1k3 - You speak the truth. he always tells me nobody loves the "real" him....he always wants someone to love him for "who he is"....when he is drunk he says this is "who he is" .....and of course when he is sober he laughs when reminded of what he says then. I think I love the bad and the good ....yet things have gotten so bad they outweigh the good. he is losing what little good remains in him.

NYCD - you are also correct. I am natural born drama queen. My dad was an A. The only way I got his attention - via drama. No doubt I am addicted to the drama ABF brings to my life which is essentially boring w/o him but now boring sounds awesome. I don't respect who he is now nor can I trust him. Maybe these are good things for me and I am truly getting closer doing what is best for me.

If only he could find somewhere else to be. He has nowhere and nobody but me. People say to me that it's not my problem - he is. I know that but I can't toss him to the street. I can't put the final nail in his downward spiral. I know it is "he" who is really doing it but that isn't what my heart would feel. If something bad happened to him I would still have to carry that.
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:11 PM
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If only he could find somewhere else to be. He has nowhere and nobody but me. People say to me that it's not my problem - he is. I know that but I can't toss him to the street. I can't put the final nail in his downward spiral. I know it is "he" who is really doing it but that isn't what my heart would feel. If something bad happened to him I would still have to carry that.
OK, guilt can be a big trigger when dealing with an A. They love to make their problems your problems and really lay on the guilt when you don't support them.

The thing is, it really isn't your problem. He has choices and he is making them. This may sound harsh but if he wants to drink himself to death he has the right. His choices are HIS choices.

You have the right to make the choices that are right for you. Just as his choices are none of his business your choices are none of his.

Tough place to be in, I know, been there, done that. Lifeguards are taught to save themselves first, it doesn't do them any good to drown with a swimmer who is fighting them. They will do all they can short of drowning themselves but at some point they will let go and save themselves. Sounds to me like you're starting to drown, it's ok to let go and save yourself.

The first step in the Al-Anon program is admitting that you are powerless over someone else's drinking. If he hits a point and wants recovery he can find it on his own. In fact the only way for him to find it is on his own.

Sending you hugs and strong thoughts.

Your friend,
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:24 PM
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Hey sunday,

I used to worry about where my ex would end up. I found out. He wasn't sleeping under his desk at work like he told me. He was sleeping at his gf's house.

Was he thinking about me or worrying about me? Not in the least.

Was he worried about how I would survive after the divorce with my small pension. Not in the least. Only thing that he was worried about was that he might have to pay me alimony !!!!!

Just know that I do understand how you feel, and I want to hear anything you have to say. I went through it.

Also know that sometimes we post here from the head and not the heart.

It's difficult sometimes when in a relationship like yours, and mine to listen to the head, because our hearts hurt so much.

I personally think you are one terrific lady and I am so glad that I met you on this forum. You have a lot going for you.

((((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:46 PM
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Likewise Amy with your compliments, likewise!!! I do understand that so many offer me logical and rational and sound advice from the head. I want to be able to do that....overall I am not a stupid person. I know what is right and what I should do. It is that grey, elusive area that causes me problems and only I can get that heart stuff in check. Everytime he leaves the time for me to get better gets faster. I have not cried at all today!! I know I am not yet strong enough to say "sorry...no you can't live here".....but maybe with the help of this forum even if he does come back it won't be for long. I can't offer him the picnic he wants. I can't support him. Someone asked his age - 43. I budget and take money from my savings but he can drink and use tobacco and buy coffee at c- store???? IMO those are all luxury items when one has bills to pay.

Amy -- you also brought to my attention that no way he has worried about me in all this - like how I am feeling, what I am doing, etc. It is ALL about him ALL the time. That is another issue we have that has grown so large in me. I am sick of it! I am a balanced, fair person. Like I'll watch what you want tonight and tomorrow is your turn. Nope. He typically won't do anything as simple and fair as that.

m1k3 - love the lifeguard analogy and I will add it to my vocab!!! I am seeing more clear that even if I could help him - now is not the time because I have to heal myself first. But that doesn't solve my problem if he shows up with nowhere to go. I'll just somehow have to deal with it and try to make the best of it.

And by the way ....he does NOT have a key to my house. I sometimes can't even trust him with something as important as that. He loses keys and things when he is drunk.
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:52 PM
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Sunday....those small steps build a better YOU! You will continue to make progress, it won't happen overnight and that is absolutely fine! I always say that as long as I am standing still, or taking baby steps, then I consider that progress. It's when I take a backslide where the trouble lies.

Hugs XXX
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Old 07-01-2014, 01:54 PM
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Just to lighten things up a little one member posted several years ago his wife got drunk and not only lost her cell phone and keys, she lost the car. Couldn't remember where she was or how she got there. Now that's a real skill.

Your friend,
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Just to lighten things up a little one member posted several years ago his wife got drunk and not only lost her cell phone and keys, she lost the car. Couldn't remember where she was or how she got there. Now that's a real skill.

Your friend,
I had my ex (then H) call me to ask where he was. He blamed me for talking to him on the phone, (he called), and that he got lost on his way home from work!!!!!! Really now, how was I supposed to know where the h3ll he was.
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:07 PM
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sunday, to answer your original question, Where do I belong? ---- you belong here with people that like you and appreciate you.
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:13 PM
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sunday, if your house burned to the ground and you were no place to be found...where do you think he would go?

dandylion
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:15 PM
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I love it! My A will call and ask me to come get him ...I ask where he is...he has no idea ...then gets angry at me for not coming to get him. AUGH And I could see him losing his car but he can't drive it if he is drinking........blessings for us all for that!
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:29 PM
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This forum is what I have needed. Like I said - I went to Al-Anon and just didn't feel understood there. I was scolded if I mentioned anything I have talked to y'all about. I couldn't talk about him. I have to get to that point somehow and have to talk about him for now.

I am not down on Al-Anon. There were many wonderful people and answers there. I just am not ready yet for that method. I am currently living with these HUGE problems daily. They were giving me "black and whites" when all I can see is grey. I am not saying any of us are wrong. It is just registering with me at this point. Maybe it will be someday. I hope.

So that is what I meant by "where do I belong" ....because I didn't feel going back to Al-Anon would help me until I got other answers and things out of my system. I seem to be able to do that here!!! I am off to an amazing start already!! THANKS again!!
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:30 PM
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dandylion..........??????????????????????????????? ??????????.........really..........I'll keep thinking on that one........
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:33 PM
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sunday,

Did you ever wonder why he could leave and not care, and then all of a sudden show up again when you are starting to see more clearly?

This is sort of in response to something you mentioned earlier, about how you went crazy and sent like 50 or so emails and voicemails.

I did the same thing.

Think about it.

They take any kind of attention as attention, whether it is good or bad. You stop texting, calling, emailing or whatever, and they get worried that your attention is not on them.

So they come back because they feel like they are losing control.
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Old 07-01-2014, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by sunday9 View Post
This forum is what I have needed. Like I said - I went to Al-Anon and just didn't feel understood there. I was scolded if I mentioned anything I have talked to y'all about. I couldn't talk about him. I have to get to that point somehow and have to talk about him for now.

I am not down on Al-Anon. There were many wonderful people and answers there. I just am not ready yet for that method. I am currently living with these HUGE problems daily. They were giving me "black and whites" when all I can see is grey. I am not saying any of us are wrong. It is just registering with me at this point. Maybe it will be someday. I hope.

So that is what I meant by "where do I belong" ....because I didn't feel going back to Al-Anon would help me until I got other answers and things out of my system. I seem to be able to do that here!!! I am off to an amazing start already!! THANKS again!!
I totally understand. I am very scientific and mathematical. Things have to make sense to me. So I researched and researched. Just know there are a lot of people here that can help you with this.

I had to get my mind straight before the final leap. So I understand where you are coming from, and I respect that.
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