Praying

LOL.

And it might just be the cheapest part of the whole relationship.

Not sayin it's easy. But now I bet if you do it you'll smile through the pain as you tie the top of each big black piece of luggage. Maybe write SAMSONITE on it.

Hugs.

sunday9

I have packed all his stuff up before and tossed it in backyard. I later regretted it and felt guilty that I was so "mean" ...so you guys just don't know what a sap I am. You all give good advice and maybe I will be able to use some of it soon. Just not today. Today I am raw and confused and still feeling like I brought all this on. My scab has not healed from a week ago. I do not understand why I beat myself up over him! I am not on his mind now. Therapy sounds great but I need help now - today - tomorrow - I will be ok if he leaves. It is the uncertainty and all that is driving me nuts. Again -- sorry guys. Has anyone else every been as wishy-washy as I am in a situation like this????

Taking5

Just kick him out and be done with it. Easier said than done I know.

BTW, you do not 2 years in prison for a single DUI. There must be more to this story.

sunday9

It wasn't his first DUI.

CodeJob

If you need help today,
1. Read Courage to Change right here on SR. It is a
Daily AL Anon reading, but read several entires.
2. Go to an Al Anon meeting today.
3. Can you download or get a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie today?
4. Melody Beattie has a daily reader called The Language of Letting Go and it too is posted on SR ( http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html).
5. Write down 10 things that make you happy. Are you doing any of them at all? What can you do to change it so you are doing a few of them?
5. Pray or meditate
6. Stick on SR and learn and think and reflect.

AnvilheadII

I have packed all his stuff up before and tossed it in backyard. I later regretted it and felt guilty that I was so "mean"

standing up for ourselves and ridding ourselves of excess baggage is NOT mean. saying NO is not mean. establishing boundaries is not mean. saying enough is ENOUGH is not mean.

mean is what he is doing to you. and what he has done. HE has a long history of problems with alcohol. multiple DUIs, prison stint, still drinking. cheating. mooching off of you. NONE of that is your fault. if you had such power to be the reason all this happened, you'd have the power to make it all better.

you can't fix him. you can only fix you. which is such a worthy endeavor.

mim

sunday, hello my first time on to! wow! you seem to be able to be a responsible homeowner, and able to support your self...it sounds like there could be some very terrifying things happening if he is allowed to stay in your life..you probably still love the memory of what once was, but isnt there anymore. i would personally move on, he may burn down the house or let your dogs out to be hit by a car..you cant be awake 24/7 somethings gotta give. think about being assertive and tell him that you love him, but just dont like the person he has become. and it is best if he moved out, possibly someday down the road when he is himself again and sober you could be friends to start out with and go from there? hope this is okay to say this, do not know about the protocol yet...good luck my dear...

honeypig

Sunday, welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you need here. You've gotten a lot of good advice already, and I don't have a lot to add. I did get an email notice of a blog entry that I thought was absolutely amazing today, and I'll pass it on to you. It may be too early for much of this to make sense to you, but maybe some of it will resonate now, and I bet as time goes on and you grow in strength and increase in clarity, more and more of it will seem important.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-go-move.html

Wishing you some peace.

sunday9

I appreciate what everyone is saying. Truth everywhere. I just have to snap out of this (where is Cher to slap me when I need it...haha) at my own pace.
I have told him many times "this is it" when he does something so stupid - like my fence catches on fire, etc. I try to explain the seriousness of the situation and he says he understands but 2 days later ....back to square one. He is lucky he can find work anytime and his bosses all understand and put up with him as long as they can. Anyone care to guess his line of work? Seems to go "hand-in-hand" with many As. I am beating myself up and trying to hit my bottom of the t-bowl and tire of my pity party to get it out of my system. I have a strange way to handle things.

I will read the blog soon, honeypig and thanks CodeJob for the list. My mind is not letting me focus much today. I am still full of anxiety about the situation. He is the first man I have lived with and I've never married if that helps anyone understand my bad handling of all this.

FeelingGreat

You'll get there soon I'm sure, Sunday, and when you do give him his marching orders, the SR community will be here for you.

sunday9

`He came here last night to get his truck and said he had to go by work. He said he had not been with her but at a friends. I knew he was lying and called him on it and he continued to try to lie. Does it make one feel better to lie and then if I badger he can blame me and that makes one feel better??? He never came back. I am sure he is with her. I am hurt but I will not "bother" him in his new relationship. I hope she can help him. I don't know if she is back on the wagon or not. I don't know if she will tolerate his massive drinking and it's actions. Do two As tend to make a good coupling? I don't know if he plans to stay with her or what. I don't see him wanting to come back here knowing how upset and hurt and angry I am. He is running from my emotions and doesn't want confrontation. And unless he can give me any solid, real reason to be able to trust him again ....we would have problems.

What bothers me most is how I have treated him lately. I haven't done much to prop up his bruised ego and messed up life. I have probably added to it. I would usually react the minute he opened up a beer instead of trying to understand his need for it. I was just tired of his drinking causing almost all of my problems. I couldn't be ok with it anymore and be happy with him until he had enough beer to change into a sad or angry mood swing. He was drinking about 4 times a week (usually 18+ beers). It was past my 'enabling" limit. I needed some calm and normal for my life. The one "C" word I wanted was compromise. I couldn't even get that. His way or no way. And my needs were not met so I became a needy mess too. So those are some of the reasons I would snap and push his buttons when he drank. it doesn't make what I did right. I just could no longer be ok with everything all the time and turn the other cheek again and again. So why am I beating myself up and feeling abusive to him??!!!? Or did I abuse him too? Just a horrible thing if I did.

FeelingGreat

Sunday, you're probably over-thinking this. A healthy person does not want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Maybe you think that by propping up his ego and being nicer to him you could get him to moderate, but it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. Of course he's going to flee to another alcoholic, because she doesn't interfere with his drinking.

Now that he seems to have left anyway, how about packing up his stuff and leaving it in the yard? Are you really thinking of taking him back? If not, can you make the decision to end it on your terms?

Anyway, whatever you decide, please don't beat yourself up. Remember the 3 Cs, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Eddiebuckle

Why? AA's big book starts laying out the steps with this:

This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work.

You cannot save him from himself. Whatever transgressions may exist in the ledger of your relationship are history. It would be insane to drive down the highway using only your rear view mirror as your guide for steering - yet we tend to do that routinely in relationships.

How about propping up your bruised ego and life? A good start would be never to let him back in your home. He is clearly capable of finding a place to lay his head - don't let yourself continue to be his plan B. You deserve more, but in this life you don't get what you deserve, you get what you accept.

mim

eddiebuckle, how refreshingly honest, we always tend to sugar coat things, so we dont possibly hurt someones feelings.....to bad, some times the truth is brutal and in your face...waaaa! waaaa! waaaa! reading your post was an eye opener, and honest, you ask for help and then you whine..okay i have been there done that..but not as of late, and it was reinforced reading your post, to stop living in the past and worrying about causing them hurt feelings, get them out and yes they will find a place to lay there head..i have never gone out of my way to cut down or say nasty things to the person iam involved with.. but they had no problem doing it to me...i will not take on any guilt for hurting there feelings or being to rough on them. its time to wake up and look at things clearly and realistically ...it will hurt to end the relationship, but its not what it was, it is in a state of chaos and lies and hurt, and even if the drinking stopped, does not mean the the reasons why they drank will go away...its better to part and start anew... thanks so much....

Hawkeye13

When you are ready to let it go, at least for awhile,
change the locks, put any remaining items out for him to collect, and find some peace.

You sound absolutely mentally, physically, and spiritually worn out from dealing with this trauma.

Anyone would be.

sunday9

He finally came by to talk. He took the usual way out - it was basically my fault he left and he had no choice but to go with her because he had to get away from my constant, anger and arguing towards him. No money for a motel. He is "hot head" and can't handle anyone scolding him about anything and the more of that he gets - his anger starts to build.....and when he drinks...while at first he is fun and happy and productive - after about 10 beers the angry comes out.

He wants to come back but under his circumstances of my being ok and understanding about why he has been lying and with this woman - because he had no choice due to my pushing his buttons. Obviously I was quite shocked and when I try to explain why - he doesn't want to hear it - I am "starting it" again. I can't just let things go. He can apologize and move on but I am still bringing it up and throwing it in his face 3 days, weeks, months later. I tell him I am human - most of us do that and it is no different than him doing the same thing over and over (expecting different results - ha!).

We talk more -- he slowly calms down. I am trying so hard to see a glimpse of the good man he is/was. I can see he is hurting, broken, scared, remorseful but I still don't think he "really" sees his huge part in this mess. I apologize and clear my heart of how I have pushed his buttons and I should have not been so angry. He says I need to learn to control how I "react" - that is my choice to react like I do and not blame my reactions on what he does.........or something like that.

He packs some things ...asks if we can continue talking soon. Explains again how he doesn't want to go to her place but I won't let him stay with me so he has no where to go. Absurd as it sounds - I believe it and this woman is not the real problem - it is his drinking. A "light bulb" moment finally turns on for me -- I am glad he can go to her place! I can't handle him now. I am not to the point of telling him he can never come back - to get all his stuff, etc. I need to take it day by day. If he by some chance decides to live with her - I am ok with it. Of course she may have offered her place "until he figures things out" - not indefinitely so he may really "need" me. I am aware of all the variables.

Thanks again to all the great comments and suggestions. Hawkeye is 100% spot-on -- I am (and have been for months) "absolutely worn out mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially (ha!) worn out!!"

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunday, what came out of your talk is that he has no intention of stopping drinking. I'm guessing that you could take a vow of silence and he will still find a reason to open that beer.
So you have a choice about whether you are getting back on the treadmill on his terms. No 'reacting' to the drinking, or bringing up anything he's apologised for.
What's his part in all this? Has he said he will change anything?

sunday9

FeelingGreat - I was fairly easy on him during our talk. The next time we talk I will put more topics down. Of course he has no intention to stop drinking. He says he tries but how can he try when he drinks 3-5x a week?? That is 'trying"? And he uses 'you aren't an A you don't understand the cravings." He doesn't blame me for his drinking. He blames me for not allowing him peace. Which is guess is peaceful drinking and hangovers and screw-ups. I need to keep my opinion of all that to myself and not bother him with it. <eyeroll>

hopeful4

Sunday, he is right about not understanding the cravings. That is why they have to be prepared to work recovery every single day, forever. It's a big commitment and some can do it, some cannot. That is why he needs a sponsor, so he has someone to talk to who can understand. That's not your job.

XXX

dandylion

subday--I just read on here, today, that: "In this life we don't get what we deserve; we get what we accept" (I think it was EddieBuckle)?

Honey, don't you want better than this?

I don't believe that you were put on this earth to be treated like second-class.

very sincerely...
dandylion