Irish_rose753

My fiance is an alcoholic and has slipped into a severe depression. He wants to stop drinking, but doesn't know how. He has asked me for help, but I don't know how to help him either. He's been to AA but it hasn't helped him. I'm terrified for his mental and physical health. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hello Irish Rose!
You may want to ask this question on the AA or NA boards. There you will find people in recovery for alcohol and drug problems, and who better to tell you what works?
The following is a link that can help you find recovery treatment centers in your area. http://www.samhsa.gov

Now, About YOU! Alanon and Naranon exist to help the family members and love ones of substance abusers. You are not responsible for your husband's alcoholism and you are not responsible for his recovery. The only person you can change is yourself.

Please feel free to come to this board and tell us how you are feeling. Rant, rave, laugh, cry, kvetch. We've all been where you are and we DO want to hear it.

Welcome to the recovery forum! Keep posting!

Smoke

Happy

Hello Irish Rose,

If he truly wants help, maybe you can help him get into a treatment center. Sometimes a person has to get alcohol out of their system before AA will work for them, so that the mental fog will lift. So he should probably at least go to detox before trying to work an AA program. I really believe that AA will work for anyone willing to take the action it requires.

You can help him and yourself by attending Al-Anon meetings. Alcoholism is a family disease, and affects everyone in the family. Al-Anon can help you cope with that. I pray that you and your fiance get the help that you need.

Love,
Happy

Dorrie

Hi Irish Rose,

This is my first time on the board and am
very inexperienced at giving advice to some-
one I don't know.

However, I have 2 questions that come to
mind. How long have you been engaged? and
When do you plan to get married? I have
been married to an alcoholic for 21 years.
When we first got married, he was not an
A. Can I make a suggestion without sound-
ing mean? Please, for your own sake, do
not marry the man. I know you love him and
want to help him, but if you marry him you
are letting yourself in for a lifetime of
misery. You cannot change him. You are
going in the right direction as far as
seeking help goes, but just really search
your heart of hearts and take it from one
who has walked this road for many miles.
Don't just keep the focus on him and what
he needs and what you can do to help him.
Look out for yourself, he certainly won't.

Blessings to you in your decision.

Dorrie

Irish_rose753

Thank you Smoke, Happy and Dorrie for your advice. And Dorrie, you did make a good point. We just became engaged 2 days ago, and that's when he "confessed"... although I already had my suspicions. We haven't set a date yet, but I want him to get clean before we take that next step, especially since we want to have children. Thanks again for the advice.

Irish Rose

MeredithK

Hi Irish Rose, I hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents in too- and I also am not an expert on relationships/men!! (Lord knows I've dated some real dogs!!) I would wholeheartedly agree with Dorrie about not marrying him. I know that sounds just horrible, like you don't care enough for him to stick it out with his problem(s), and you want to commit yourself to him the rest of your life-- but as the wife of an A for the past 10 years, with 1 biological child and 1 stepchild, I can tell that you won't get your needs fulfilled by an A, and it will only get worse with kids because they have their own needs and are so time and energy consuming. Then you will worry about the effect all of this is having on the kids- are you strong enough to shoulder ALL the responsibilies of raising them properly so they can enjoy their childhoods?? (again, you won't get much help from an A) Will they resent you later for staying with their father?? You will find yourself run emotionally/physically ragged until you think you're losing your mind, because he can't/doesn't want to try/doesn't give a crap about trying to fulfill YOUR needs and wishes. It's like running a race car at full speed until it runs out of gas and crashes, and you desparately want to get it all fixed up and like new again, but no one will give you the gas for the tank. I know this sounds dramatic, and when I married my H he had been sober for over a year, and I thought he was THE one-- in touch with his feelings, honest etc- but he had warned me that a)I wouldn't want to be around him if he drank again (he was SO right about that!) and b)he may relapse at some point, then again he may not, he could only live one day at a time etc etc. I would at the very least NOT rush into a marital decision- he is not in a healthy frame of mind at this point, and you need to consider yourself and your health. My prayers are with you, MK

Savy D

I'm new to this also, but I can tell you if I had known of my H's problem before we married, I wouldn't have married him. Throughout our first 6 years I was given several promises to quit and to seek help. He would stop for 2 weeks and then back on again. I've threatened to leave and not come back, but that's all they have been, threats. I have left twice for overnight stays at friends houses. The first time he stopped for a few weeks, the 2nd time he could have cared less.
On a more positive note, my H's cousin was also an alcoholic plus a drug user. His fiance refused to marry him until he was clean and sober. That engagement lasted for 9 years. He lapsed a few times after marriage but she was always there. He has been clean and sober now for 2 years straight. They have been married 8. He is a counselor for a rehab center in FL and loves it. Things couldn't be better for them.

MeredithK

HI Irish Rose, me again. I just read an EXCELLENT post on the Nar-Anon board (a lot of things there apply to A's as well) called "The Addictive Personality", posted by Pernell Johnson. You really should read it ASAP- it hits the nail on the head, so to speak. God bless, and remember don't rush into ANYTHING. MK

chivapiano

Dorrie, DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. LOVE CANNOT CONQUER ALL. Love, Chi.