Are these enabling behaviors?
 

Terry,

First of all, welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here. Here is a reading from Al Anon's Courage to Change that talks about ENABLING:

January 5

I was terribly confused about the meaning of “compassion� when I came to Al-Anon. I thought it meant making excuses for the alcoholic or covering bad checks. Al-Anon helped me to find another word for this behavior: “enabling.� I learned that when I cleaned up the consequences of alcoholic behavior, I enabled the alcoholic to continue drinking comfortably and acting out without having to pay the price. A more compassionate way to respond to those I love might be to allow them to face the consequences of their actions, even when it will cause them pain.

How do I know whether a particular action is enabling? While this is not always clear, I find it helpful to look carefully at my motives. Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one’s choices? Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves? Am I doing what I think is best for me? Do I resent what I am doing? If so, is it really a loving choice? Sometimes the most compassionate thing I can do is to let others take responsibility for their behavior.

Today’s Reminder

Today I will remember that I have choices, and so does the alcoholic. I will make the best choices I can and allow others in my life to do the same without interference.

“I must learn to give those I love the right to make their own mistakes and recognize them as theirs alone.�

Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism

Thanks for the reply. I'm still confused.

I'm not exactly sure how to apply this quote from above to my situation: "I learned that when I cleaned up the consequences of alcoholic behavior, I enabled the alcoholic to continue drinking comfortably and acting out without having to pay the price."

Is living with an alcoholic "cleaning up the consequences of alcoholic behavior?" while "allowing one to continue drinking comfortably without having to pay the price?" Certainly he is drinking comfortably while we're under the same roof. I'm sure drinking won't be "comfortable" for him if I leave (at least, not at first).

Hi Terry,

Living with an alcoholic is not enabling them, unless you are taking the responsibilty for paying the bills that he should be paying, calling his boss at work and making excuses for him when he's too drunk or hungover to go in, or making excuses to your family and friends to cover up or hide his drinking. Pulling him out of the mud may be considered enabling by some, but I don't necessarily think it is, unless he's getting drunk everyday and you're pulling him out of the mud everyday! Basically, anything that keeps him from dealing with the consequences of his drinking is enabling him to stay in denial about his problems.

Hope this helps!
JG

Terry -
I don't think that there is a yes or no answer to your question about whether living with an alcoholic is enabling him. I think the decision to stay with him depends upon whether you can live a happy and fulfilled life while living with him or if you feel you are sacrificing your needs and desires because of his drinking.

It is possible that, if we leave our husbands, they may get to a point where they decide they should stop drinking. They may also continue drinking for the rest of their lives - whether we are with them or not.

I guess what I'm saying is that our actions don't necessarily determine whether he will quit drinking or not. He has to come to that decision himself. All we can do is live the best life we can, decide what we want and make the best decisions for us.

Welcome to SR !
L

Thanks for the replies, they are helpful.

I looked back on my situation after reading this and thought about if I enabled my addicted spouse to continue his downhill spiral. As a result I beleive I did:
1. Making a call to the physician to see if his pain med could be refilled because he scarfed them down. Yep, thats pretty clear.
2. When he'd come home drunk, always the same scenario, I'd get upset but would shutup till he was sober, then would ask to sit down and talk about it. I'd say "what prompted you to drink?" always received the answer "I don't know" Me: "Will you give AA another try?" Him: "I'll think about it". Same scenario everytime followed by a couple of days of being distant towards him, then back to the norm until the next time he drank or got high. Like a play that plays over and over. I think I enabled him in the fact he knew what he'd have to do to make it seem ok.
3. Isolating from my friends and family, he'd always say "Don't discuss our personal buisness with your mom" I enabled him by letting him control me.
4. Beleiving his excuses even if I knew deep down they were just that, excuses. "The pain is so bad I drank to help it" "I won't do it again" "Hold onto these pills and let me only have 2 every 4 hrs" I feel like I enabled him by beleiving him, because I wanted our relationship to work.
5. Focusing only on keeping him happy, to keep the charade up of how happy we once were, to make it work with the father of my son, not to fail at something, again, in my life and lost myself in the process.

Seems to me that enabling is different with every situation, you have to look at your relationship and identify areas you feel may be enabling and then work to solve them the best you can for yourself. I beleive that once you start looking at the situation with open eyes these areas will become clearer. I may be wrong, my addicted other ended up walking out on me. So I'm not a sucuess story by any means, but what I say comes from the heart, I hope it will help a little.
Teggie

enabling?
 

Thanks for your reply, Teggie.

I too have spoke with my AH several times to see if he would get help (to no avail).

From the reading I’ve done, apparently the pain your addicted spouse expressed is bad and real. *We* know that’s a great reason to get help, but apparently the disease tricks them into believing they don’t need it.

I also focused on doing things to make my spouse happy (years ago). At some point I realized I couldn’t keep up with the demands of his continuous expectations of me (seemed there was always something I wasn't doing quite right). I learned I had some co-dependency issues. People-pleasing was one of them. I don’t do that anymore. I leave it to my higher power to help me decide what I should or shouldn’t do each day. Keeping the focus on God and not my husband has been a great change in my life.

Thanks again for your input!
(((((hugs)))))
Terry

Terry, that's a great way to think. Keep the focus on your Higher Power and do "the next right thing".

I haven't posted here in several months, but I'm feeling a need to come back here.

I wanted to post in this thread because I feel I did an enabling thing this morning, but I don't know what else I could have done. H drinks a lot, but claims he is not alcoholic, btw. He usually stays up after I go to bed and plays computer games and drinks. Last night he came to bed late as usual. When I woke this morning he was not in bed, which was unusual. I looked for him, and found him sleeping on the livingroom floor, in just his briefs. He had no recollection of how he got there. (he does have a history of partial sleepwalking too, so maybe that was it but I doubt it). I woke him and made him go up to bed. That's the enabling part. I didn't just leave him there to face the consequences. But I could not stand the thought of my children coming downstairs in the morning to see their dad in his undies. I did it to protect them, not him. What does anybody think of this?

foolish heart!
So good to see you! There is a reading in the Courage to change about detachment that talks about the same situation:
January 22
I tried so hard to learn detachment. Living with active alcoholim was confusing, and the idea of detachment seemed vague. The alcoholic in my life was a restless sleeper who fell out of bed almost every night. Feeling it my duty, I would always help him back into bed. One night, after attending Al-Anon meetings for a while, I stepped over his body and got into bed, leaving him on the floor. Triumphantly, I went to my next Al-Anon meeting and told them, "I finally learned detachment!' "Well," they said, "that's not exactly what we meant. We meant detachment with love."
I left that meeting with a new understanding that I put into practice the very next time my loved on fell out of bed. When I found him on the floor, I still didn't help him into bed. But I did put a blanket over him before stepping over his body and going to bed myself. This, to me, was detachment with love.
"detachment is not isolation, nor should it remain focussed on not enabling the sick behavior of the past. Detachment is not a wall; it is a bridge across which the Al-Anon may begin a new approach to life and relationships generally."

Your kids probably know that Dad has a problem. It is hard to figure out how to keep it from effecting them, and maybe impossible. For me, learning to detach gives me a tool to share with others. I don't have kids, so I can't speak from experience on how to handle those situations. I only know that Al-Anon principles improve family situations.
I am really glad that you decided to post this morning. I have thought about you. Hugs, Magic

Thanks Foolish Heart,

I enjoyed reading Magichappens' response (thanks Magichappens). It seems to me as long as were not stressing over the fact that they can't seem to remain in bed we're doing just fine. I had to laugh about the undies part. I would like to see more modesty myself, but my husband thinks nothing of being in his underwear prior to bed. Our home is under remodel and we are all sleeping in one room (I bet that's hard to imagine for those that haven't been there!). This means they all get to see him that way. You're inspiring me to talk to him about that.

(((((Hugs)))))
Terry

Hey Magic,
Great minds think alike. I remember that reading and what a powerful impact it had on my understanding "detachment". I was going to find the reading and post it, but ... well... life got in the way. I'm sure you can relate.

And Foolish, I have to agree with what's been said above. Your kids probably know and understand a lot more than you give them credit for.


Hugs

Barb