unsureoffuture

I am having a rough day today. STBXAH is finally accepting that the divorce is happening and getting all the papaerwork ready fo my attorney. All of a sudden it's hitting me like a ton of bricks.

We are still living together pending mediation and he has been begging for a second, thrid, fourth chance which I have been refusing of course. I think it has finally sunk in that this is happening. He is still not in any kind of recovery program and is still drinking and hiding it. He is still unemployed and very depressed.

I know divorce is the right thing and it's been a long time coming, but why now am I so sad? I have been crying in the bathroom at work constantly this morning. I feel like I'm taking a huge step backward. Any helpful hints for when the grief just overwhelms you?

biminiblue

Aww. Divorce is rough. ((hugs)) Been there. You'll get through this.

Call a friend, take a walk, do some jumping jacks, deep breaths from your belly, think about something positive, make plans to go to the beach, the river, the lake.

Find an animal and pet it for 20 seconds.

Stare out the window at the glory of nature.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I love you."

dandylion

this helped me, a lot---write the very worst things that happened in the relationship on an index card and carry it on your person. Read it over and over when you feel overwhelmed--a hundred times a day if necessary. This helps keep the big picture in your mind--keeps your eye on the goal (your peace of mind).

You already know that the grief, and its various stages is going to happen--esp. in the beginning weeks. Roll with it....with the knowledge that it is short-term pain for l ong-term gain.

So many of us have been exactly where you are, right now. We will all share out "tips" and experience with you.

You have already gotten some tips. In a nutshell--structured days---stay as busy as possible---deal with it an hour at a time...one day at a time.
It will not always feel like this....you will feel better over time. I promise.
Crying is o.k.--it releases the negative energy from your body.

You might read the threads of others who have gone or are going through this....try "confused39" recent thread, for example.

You will find out that you are a lot stronger than you ever thought.

dandylion

hopeful4

That happened to me too. I was fine actually until this week and it caught up. We have been apart since March. For whatever reason it hit me big this week, I think b/c of some other things that have been going on too and it all piled up. I bawled like a baby. However, I prayed about it, posted here about it, picked up and moved forward. I know I did the right thing, but that does not mean it's not painful sometimes.

Hats off to you for being able to live together. There is no way I would have been able to do that, and I am sure it contributes to the pressure you are under.

I hope you find resolution soon.

XXX

iamthird

It is hard. I am going through it now as well. Just be kind to yourself!! I realize sometimes I am so hard on myself for grieving and feeling normal! Just keep doing things like coming on here, dont get isolated, go outside and take a walk...it is easy to fall into a funk. However, we will be here to lift you up!!

Praying for your peace!

Refiner

I'm sorry you are sad. Divorce IS sad no matter the circumstances (usually). It's kind of like a death in the family. I know. My first marriage was a divorce situation (amicable and we both wanted out). It was a sad and lonely time. But I promise... it WILL get better. Do nice things for YOU

martina12

Well done you for going through with the divorce..go girl or sorry maybe boy?!!!

You are ahead of me as I'm not ready to deal with the 'D' word just yet.

Grief is the most awful thing to go through...you can't hurry it up and it just has to go at its own pace through all the stages back and forth, back and forth and so on. Ugh will it ever end?

Just when you think Hurrah! I have finally reached acceptance it plunges you right back again. Just remember that you are on a journey and that one day you will finally reach acceptance with no going back......not ever!

As Dandylion said write all the crap you have been through and keep it handy..I have done this so when that overwhelming wave hits you yet again you can remind yourself yet again why you are going through with this..

Hoping you have a better day tomorrow...

POAndrea

Hard work is, well, hard. I think this wonderful thing you're doing is like working out: if it doesn't hurt a little, it means you're not doing it right. We don't get stronger until we truly push ourselves just a little bit further. So I'm sorry to hear today is a bad day for you, but take comfort in the thought you are doing it right and trust that a whole lot of tomorrows will be better because of it.

bringiton

Praying for you! I have been divorced. One moment I would be fine and the next I was crying in Wal-Mart over what paper towels to buy. Eventually it got better. Not necessarily fast or easy but better bit by bit.

Maybe if you were able to get out of the house for a bit? I know it is hard for me to be around my AH most of the time. It's hard to not have peace in your own home and I imagine still living with him is probably pretty stressful most of the time.

I LOVED the idea of carrying around the index card to read!

I really hope you start to have some days where you can feel awesome and strong, that is what we all deserve, right!?!

Florence

My divorce is almost over. The grief is long over, but I have a feeling I will be talking about and processing this for a long time. One time I said to a group of fellow divorcees, I just want to ask people about their divorces all the time, and they all nodded and said the same. So I do. I talk about it a lot, what happened, where things went wrong, and what parts were mine to own.

I also really focus on self-care. After work and household stuff, I focus on getting eight hours a night, exercising to exhaustion on the regular (so many physical and emotional benefits here -- and I'm no athlete, thirty-something and overweight), having an active social life, and eating healthy. I stay really busy. Individual counseling helped me a lot too.

When I hit my bottom with my ex, I had an existential crisis of my own and realized I couldn't live this way anymore, not in any of my relationships. I rehabbed my whole life. I had to tear down the old Florence to make room for the new one, and it was a lot of work, a lot of grief, and a lot of time and searching. But I'm happier for it today, tenfold.

Praying

No matter what went wrong and how much the relationship hurts, divorce is still the death of a dream...of hopes, desires, promises, goals. For me, it was so awful at the end with my X, but recognizing the reality of an entirely different future landscape, of "giving up", of facing a future completely different than what I'd planned for...was daunting, incredibly sad, and overwhelming. I didn't plan to do this alone.

I'd get angry at myself over being sad or crying. But even if I was crying at the loss of an illusion, it was an illusion that was MINE for so many years, and it was lost. So I reminded myself it was okay, and I'd call a friend, exercise (best for the endorphins), get some sunlight or fresh air, hug kids or dogs, or sometimes just wallow a bit.

Even yesterday, when I felt horrible due to a concussion...kids loud and running around...I thought- today I wish I were married and he would hug me and close the door and handle everything and bring me water and just CARE... I had to smile, because X wasn't that guy. The guy I miss is my mom lol.

Sending you a smile and a hug. Hang in there!

meggem

Wow those index cards are a great idea.

I saw an attorney June 20th and I am surprised I didn't get my first draft this week as I gave her all of the detailed information on Monday so it sounds like we have a similar timeline. I have about 9 months of 'happy' dating memories but my entire married life (almost 7 years) has been a train wreck so I think it's "easier" for me to not have good married memories to look back on. If you do, my heart goes out. That surely will make it harder.

But I have been divorced before (that was a 2 year run) and I went back and forth so many times I just about, well I do think I had a nervous breakdown at some point because how many back and forths can you do before you go insane. Especially when you KNOW you are going against a decision you know is right and you are letting someone bully you back in. Repeatedly.

The back and forth was probably for a year. I knew I was making the right decision but I let him to continue to drag me back in time after time. I kept thinking about our vows, and having kids, and second chances, and being alone (I was a whopping 29). The stigma of being "divorced" the money my father spent on the wedding. The shame I would bring to my family (of course they didn't feel that way) By the time I was officially divorced I was probably close to 31.

That was almost worse than the marriage. in fact, that is what i remember most about the marriage. The back and forth for a year at the end and what it did to me. that was more damaging to me than the marriage. I won't do that to myself again. And I didn't have kids or a mortgage then. My family kept telling me "just be thankful you don't have kids or a house to sell" I didn't get it. I had no connection with that statement. Obviously I wouldn't since I had neither. Now I do.

So I kind of learned from that and I learned what to expect and how "they will be" even though I tend to be shocked every time. Somewhere in my subconscious I know what the process is and I can look at it and know what it is and feel it, but I can also be confident that it is normal and it will pass.

I cried in the bathroom Tuesday. But I decided that was ok. I will have good days and bad days and that is to be expected.

I don't mean this in an offensive way, but this is how I think sometimes. I am trying to not be "dramatic" about it. Or get all involved in the pomp and circumstance of it. I am trying to look at it like a business decision. Maybe that is my damage speaking or the wall that I had to build, but I'll deal with that later. The index cards are a great idea because my soon to be EXAH has been acting normal all week and it would be very easy for me to kind of "forget" or slow down a little because there is no sense of urgency.. but I'm blocking all of that out. Someone told me recently to stay detached. That was good advice too.

I felt the same way you did, going backwards, shame, I guess I'll never have kids, wasn't in the cards. I have two now, 5 and 2.

Another friend told me (not here) - cry later. Grieve later. Deal with your sh*t later. You'll have time for that. Plenty of time. Now is not that time. What you need to do now is (insert checklist of immediate actions). I've hung on to that too.

So what I will tell you, gently with love and the same advice I am giving myself - suck it up as best as you can. Let some tears sneak out, but stay focused. Tunnel vision - eye on the ball - try not to look left right or back - look at the next step. As best as you can- be a robot. Your issues and sadness will be there waiting for you to deal with (as mine will) but right now you have work to do. xoxoxoxo

Seren

unsure

Divorce does hurt, no matter the circumstances. My ex-H had an affair and he started the divorce proceedings. I felt guilt over 'leaving' him and overwhelming grief all at the same time.

It does get better. That, I promise!

Bullfrog

I found that Divorce Care helped me a lot, if there is one in your area. It really walks you through all the emotions and grief.

dandylion

Bullfrog...I have never heard of Divorce Care. Can you tell more....? Probably, that would be of help to a lot of folks, here.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

It doesn't matter if you're the instigator of the divorce, it's still painful so just cry. You're mourning the end of a major relationship in your life. And, when we really get how powerless we really are over other people, it's very tough. A big hug.