Al Anon = Bakery?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Have you been to an al-anon meeting before?
If not, I'd suggest NOT going to a step study meeting. They are helpful, but are a little much for a first meeting. I went to a step study meeting as my first meeting because it was one of the few meetings in the area where I was living. I guess a step study meeting is better than no meeting at all, so if that's the only meeting in your area then go, but if you can pick from a variety of meetings try to pick one that isn't a step study. The step study meetings are reading and studying a particular step for the majority of the meeting, and then afterwards people can share and comment on how they relate to it, but there isn't a lot of talk time. I know for me I needed to listen to people talk more in-depth about how they utilized the tools and the program in their lives, so other meetings where people talk the whole time have been more helpful.
That's just my personal experience...
If not, I'd suggest NOT going to a step study meeting. They are helpful, but are a little much for a first meeting. I went to a step study meeting as my first meeting because it was one of the few meetings in the area where I was living. I guess a step study meeting is better than no meeting at all, so if that's the only meeting in your area then go, but if you can pick from a variety of meetings try to pick one that isn't a step study. The step study meetings are reading and studying a particular step for the majority of the meeting, and then afterwards people can share and comment on how they relate to it, but there isn't a lot of talk time. I know for me I needed to listen to people talk more in-depth about how they utilized the tools and the program in their lives, so other meetings where people talk the whole time have been more helpful.
That's just my personal experience...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Hammer 
A Bakery? A Bakery?
It is a MEAT MARKET! A Meat Market, I tells you, Stung.
To me, it is like unto a Veggie Buffet, floating on a sea of Plum Perfume.
[ahem]
Would you just knock this crap off and GO?
Really, the ONLY folks I see that Alanon does NOT help . . . are the folks who do not go.
How's THAT working for you?
It is a MEAT MARKET! A Meat Market, I tells you, Stung.
To me, it is like unto a Veggie Buffet, floating on a sea of Plum Perfume.
[ahem]
Would you just knock this crap off and GO?
Really, the ONLY folks I see that Alanon does NOT help . . . are the folks who do not go.
How's THAT working for you?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
There are a bunch of meetings in my area, my only gripe is that they're mostly during the weekdays right before or right around dinner time or my kids' bedtimes. There are a few that are closed and a few that are open, a few that are ACOA and a few that are women only and one that says its for parents but I don't know if that means parents like me or parents with alcoholic children, IDK. I'm going to try a few out this coming week and see what happens.
Uh huh. Says that guy that introduced me to the phrase "boob hug." If I encounter any meat market meetings then I'll be sticking with the women only meetings.
To me, it is like unto a Veggie Buffet, floating on a sea of Plum Perfume.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Uh huh.
Uh-Huh! from Super Simple Songs - YouTube
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Ahhh... I found bread!! Totally not what I had envisioned in my head.
The speaker even dropped a few F bombs and I KNEW she had been where I am now. She had been angry before and she knew the frustration that I was going through. These are my people.
And I shared. Then a few people after the meeting told me that they were surprised at how up beat and together I am considering that it was my first meeting ever. My brain at first was like "see, HE is the problem! This confirms it!!" then I told my brain to STFU because I'm partially responsible for the current state of affairs, even if I am upbeat and awesome.
Definitely way better than I had anticipated and I feel like my secret is out. My husband is a struggling alcoholic, and I'm struggling with how I feel about that. And there are real people that I can talk to now who get it.
The speaker even dropped a few F bombs and I KNEW she had been where I am now. She had been angry before and she knew the frustration that I was going through. These are my people.
And I shared. Then a few people after the meeting told me that they were surprised at how up beat and together I am considering that it was my first meeting ever. My brain at first was like "see, HE is the problem! This confirms it!!" then I told my brain to STFU because I'm partially responsible for the current state of affairs, even if I am upbeat and awesome.
Definitely way better than I had anticipated and I feel like my secret is out.
My husband is a struggling alcoholic, and I'm struggling with how I feel about that. And there are real people that I can talk to now who get it.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Stung
I feel like my secret is out.
"We are only as sick as our secrets."
Once the secrets are out, getting better gets a LOT easier.
My husband is a struggling alcoholic, and I'm struggling with how I feel about that. And there are real people that I can talk to now who get it.
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Ok Stung, Now that you know the hazing involves F-bombs, understanding, and sometimes a freakish amount of hugging, we have to swear you to secrecy.
I'm so glad it went well.
I'm so glad it went well.
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Sooooo….what if I am the hardware store and AH keeps coming to me for bread? I've been going along to get along and now that I've stopped he is still trying to get support and empathy from me. Sorry, I have nothing to give and I've very clearly stated this to him on several occasions at this point. I don't even have enough time and energy to give MYSELF the attention that I deserve and need. Our dog is getting more TLC at this point than I am. AH is dead last on my list of people that I'm going to support. He's suppose to be building a sobriety support system for himself. I don't want to be in it. I'm not his mother and not his sponsor and I'm not an alcoholic, he needs to go find bread at a damn bakery just like I have to.
He hasn't seen our kids since Sunday and you would think that he would ask about them or make an attempt to see them. Nope. Today he tells me that he's staying in our home town tonight and is already there (I assume to booze it up with his old gang, regardless, who cares, I don't) and he's staying there 2 hours away from us because he doesn't feel comfortable in my home and doesn't want to be here. Further, last night he was complaining about getting his own apartment. He's really distraught about it. I said "yeah, well, there are consequences in life." Sorry, I'm not caving on this one, a-hole, go rent an apartment, f'ing douche, how damn hard is it to go find and rent a damn studio apartment? It's NOT DIFFICULT AT ALL!!!!!!!
Anyway, so this afternoon he's trying to instigate by telling me that he isn't comfortable here - reading between the lines he's saying "if I can't live there then I don't want to be there at all" and all I can think is "you selfish mutha effer. Whatever your parents did to eff you up, at least they were AROUND!!" He's completely abandoning our kids and he's such a piece of sh!t. So I didn't say what I was thinking, I said "okay, I'll talk to you later." and we both got off the phone after saying goodbye curtly. Since then I have 4 missed calls and 3 text messages from him.
I'm not playing these games anymore. I quit.
He hasn't seen our kids since Sunday and you would think that he would ask about them or make an attempt to see them. Nope. Today he tells me that he's staying in our home town tonight and is already there (I assume to booze it up with his old gang, regardless, who cares, I don't) and he's staying there 2 hours away from us because he doesn't feel comfortable in my home and doesn't want to be here. Further, last night he was complaining about getting his own apartment. He's really distraught about it. I said "yeah, well, there are consequences in life." Sorry, I'm not caving on this one, a-hole, go rent an apartment, f'ing douche, how damn hard is it to go find and rent a damn studio apartment? It's NOT DIFFICULT AT ALL!!!!!!!
Anyway, so this afternoon he's trying to instigate by telling me that he isn't comfortable here - reading between the lines he's saying "if I can't live there then I don't want to be there at all" and all I can think is "you selfish mutha effer. Whatever your parents did to eff you up, at least they were AROUND!!" He's completely abandoning our kids and he's such a piece of sh!t. So I didn't say what I was thinking, I said "okay, I'll talk to you later." and we both got off the phone after saying goodbye curtly. Since then I have 4 missed calls and 3 text messages from him.
I'm not playing these games anymore. I quit.
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And I'm so sorry that my posts are so freaking angry but I am so mad and I need to just put it out into the universe so I'm not stuffing it or going to my mom which will just totally disappoint me with her response.
I ran 5 miles this morning to work off my frustration and I was fine until he called me again and now I'm angry again!!
I ran 5 miles this morning to work off my frustration and I was fine until he called me again and now I'm angry again!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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The problem that is ever present with a non recovering A is that no matter how healthy you get, they are still unhealthy. You cannot be healthy enough for a two person relationship with one person still sick.
I am sorry you are frustrated.
I am sorry you are frustrated.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I'm mid-way through my own momentary irritation & anger this morning (different reasons) so we're a good pair today Stung, 
.
The "not comfortable in your home" sounds like some blame shifting to me. Can I assume from your post that you suspect he is actively drinking again? (not just had a relapse, but in a full relapse at this point?) If so, have you considered NC except for communications about the girls/shared responsibilities?
IDK how else you can enforce your clearly-stated boundary any better than that at this point honestly. Trying to put myself in your shoes (with 2 little ones, etc) I think that would probably be the most likely "next step" for me in this scenario. It wouldn't make me happy to have to do it, but when my back is up against the wall like that & I've tried to be honest & forthright with communicating my needs but am still not being heard, it usually means I'm down to a more dramatic "next step".
((((hugs))) I hope you & the girls have a Happy 4th!
. The "not comfortable in your home" sounds like some blame shifting to me. Can I assume from your post that you suspect he is actively drinking again? (not just had a relapse, but in a full relapse at this point?) If so, have you considered NC except for communications about the girls/shared responsibilities?
IDK how else you can enforce your clearly-stated boundary any better than that at this point honestly. Trying to put myself in your shoes (with 2 little ones, etc) I think that would probably be the most likely "next step" for me in this scenario. It wouldn't make me happy to have to do it, but when my back is up against the wall like that & I've tried to be honest & forthright with communicating my needs but am still not being heard, it usually means I'm down to a more dramatic "next step".
((((hugs))) I hope you & the girls have a Happy 4th!
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The problem that is ever present with a non recovering A is that no matter how healthy you get, they are still unhealthy.
Anyway, last night an hour-ish passed and then he texted me saying that he had turned around and was coming back to stay locally and he was sorry for being a drama queen and could he come over and say goodnight to our daughters. I said no, too late, they're already asleep. He then asked if he could call me and talk to me respectfully and calmly. Okay, I'll give in to that.
He told me he called a bunch of guys from his home group and he was sorry for bringing his drama into my life. He said he is struggling but he understands that he shouldn't be complaining to me. Ahhhh… it felt like the first time he had heard me since May. I told him that I'm sure he has some legitimate complaints and problems but I'm just not a person that can relate, and in fact his complaining to me makes me feel resentful. He said he understood and then he started crying and that he was sorry.
And damn it. When he's being rational, I actually feel sorry for him. He knows where he wants to be and who he wants to be but he has no clue how to get from where he is to where he wants to be. Although the answer is simple: sobriety, I'd imagine that the actual journey there is a tough one.
Back to the quote, what I forget very easily at this point is that he's back to square one. He's at one week of sobriety after relapsing twice in a months span of time. I think in light of that we just need to go back to scheduled communication at this point, 9pm on weekdays and he can come over and see the girls on the weekends and no overnights. I think that's where we need to be right now for me to maintain sanity and to stop feeling so angry at him. He can relapse to his hearts content but he needs to stop asking me to save him.
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Stung, your post sounds really sane and compassionate to me, and I salute you for being at that place!! I think you're doing wonderfully--keep on buying whatever kind of bread you found at that bakery--it sounds like a good one.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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The good news is that you are aware that he is at week 1 of sobriety.
While you are unable to be the support he thinks he needs for his recovery you are very much a supportive wife. While he is on his journey to sobriety you are supporting him by putting your marriage on hold and allowing him time to work on his issues. You are "supporting" your family by taking care of your girls and home, while he is unable to.
RAH is 10 months sober this month. The early days were rough! He filed for divorce when he was 1 month sober. That's some stinking thinking!! It takes time for their "thinking" to improve.
When I made the decision to do what was best for me is when the changes happened. Like you, I was not in a hurry to leave my marriage, but I knew if nothing changes, nothing changes. I detached and let him work his program and I worked mine. He knew that I would not stay if he continued to drink. It was several months of him attending 2 meetings a day before we started to turn the corner. We started counseling together after about 3 months of him being sober.
I'm glad to hear you have made it to an Al Anon meeting. I attended Al Anon for over a year before he began going to AA. They say marriage has a better survival rate if both are working their program. We are able to talk about recovery which is very helpful to him. I listen. I understand. I stay on my side of the street. I have a sponsor and I am working the steps. My relationships with my adult children have improved. I am a happier person.
After 8 years of marriage, he recently told me that he "feels like he is married". He was emotionally unavailable until he was sober and working a program.
You are doing great and I would agree that since he is back at the beginning in terms of his sobriety, you must also go back to the beginning in terms of communication and visitation. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust your journey. God has greater things planned than you can imagine.
While you are unable to be the support he thinks he needs for his recovery you are very much a supportive wife. While he is on his journey to sobriety you are supporting him by putting your marriage on hold and allowing him time to work on his issues. You are "supporting" your family by taking care of your girls and home, while he is unable to.
RAH is 10 months sober this month. The early days were rough! He filed for divorce when he was 1 month sober. That's some stinking thinking!! It takes time for their "thinking" to improve.
When I made the decision to do what was best for me is when the changes happened. Like you, I was not in a hurry to leave my marriage, but I knew if nothing changes, nothing changes. I detached and let him work his program and I worked mine. He knew that I would not stay if he continued to drink. It was several months of him attending 2 meetings a day before we started to turn the corner. We started counseling together after about 3 months of him being sober.
I'm glad to hear you have made it to an Al Anon meeting. I attended Al Anon for over a year before he began going to AA. They say marriage has a better survival rate if both are working their program. We are able to talk about recovery which is very helpful to him. I listen. I understand. I stay on my side of the street. I have a sponsor and I am working the steps. My relationships with my adult children have improved. I am a happier person.
After 8 years of marriage, he recently told me that he "feels like he is married". He was emotionally unavailable until he was sober and working a program.
You are doing great and I would agree that since he is back at the beginning in terms of his sobriety, you must also go back to the beginning in terms of communication and visitation. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust your journey. God has greater things planned than you can imagine.
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Originally Posted by Stung
I think that pretty much sums it up. I asked him two days ago what he would do if he phoned a friend and they didn't answer…would he call them and text them repeatedly like he does to me, demanding my immediate attention? He answered, "no of course not, but you're my wife." Like this is a perfectly logical answer for acting like a crazy person towards me. Then I asked him to respect my time the same way that he would respect his friend's time. To respect that it's my choice to answer his phone calls or texts and calling me over and over again doesn't increase the chances of me answering when I'm too busy for him. He wouldn't do that to his friends because it's crazy, yet he thinks it's okay to act crazy with me.
Anyway, last night an hour-ish passed and then he texted me saying that he had turned around and was coming back to stay locally and he was sorry for being a drama queen and could he come over and say goodnight to our daughters. I said no, too late, they're already asleep. He then asked if he could call me and talk to me respectfully and calmly. Okay, I'll give in to that.
He told me he called a bunch of guys from his home group and he was sorry for bringing his drama into my life. He said he is struggling but he understands that he shouldn't be complaining to me. Ahhhh… it felt like the first time he had heard me since May. I told him that I'm sure he has some legitimate complaints and problems but I'm just not a person that can relate, and in fact his complaining to me makes me feel resentful. He said he understood and then he started crying and that he was sorry.
And damn it. When he's being rational, I actually feel sorry for him. He knows where he wants to be and who he wants to be but he has no clue how to get from where he is to where he wants to be. Although the answer is simple: sobriety, I'd imagine that the actual journey there is a tough one.
Back to the quote, what I forget very easily at this point is that he's back to square one. He's at one week of sobriety after relapsing twice in a months span of time. I think in light of that we just need to go back to scheduled communication at this point, 9pm on weekdays and he can come over and see the girls on the weekends and no overnights. I think that's where we need to be right now for me to maintain sanity and to stop feeling so angry at him. He can relapse to his hearts content but he needs to stop asking me to save him.
Anyway, last night an hour-ish passed and then he texted me saying that he had turned around and was coming back to stay locally and he was sorry for being a drama queen and could he come over and say goodnight to our daughters. I said no, too late, they're already asleep. He then asked if he could call me and talk to me respectfully and calmly. Okay, I'll give in to that.
He told me he called a bunch of guys from his home group and he was sorry for bringing his drama into my life. He said he is struggling but he understands that he shouldn't be complaining to me. Ahhhh… it felt like the first time he had heard me since May. I told him that I'm sure he has some legitimate complaints and problems but I'm just not a person that can relate, and in fact his complaining to me makes me feel resentful. He said he understood and then he started crying and that he was sorry.
And damn it. When he's being rational, I actually feel sorry for him. He knows where he wants to be and who he wants to be but he has no clue how to get from where he is to where he wants to be. Although the answer is simple: sobriety, I'd imagine that the actual journey there is a tough one.
Back to the quote, what I forget very easily at this point is that he's back to square one. He's at one week of sobriety after relapsing twice in a months span of time. I think in light of that we just need to go back to scheduled communication at this point, 9pm on weekdays and he can come over and see the girls on the weekends and no overnights. I think that's where we need to be right now for me to maintain sanity and to stop feeling so angry at him. He can relapse to his hearts content but he needs to stop asking me to save him.
FWIW, the above sentiment is difficult to explain to someone new to the world of addiction. No one wants to be in that boat and there is always the hope that things might be different for you/me/etc... I am sorry that you find yourself here, but glad you realize what's going on.
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