PippiLngstockng

Hi dear SR folks,

I tried to start a new thread yesterday, but got caught up in other life stuff. In the meantime, kept myself off of Marie's thread, while your thoughtful comments continued.

So, many apologies to Marie.

I have thought and thought. And remain in a slippery spot. I stand forewarned.

I am not looking for a rescue. That's my job. To rescue myself.

To all those that were cheated on, I know your pain and I am sorry for what you went through. My xah likely cheated on me all over the place. There was evidence of misconduct. As for me, I remained faithful through it all. I don't tend to blame other women for being stupid. I reserve my antipathy for the adulterer, who knows exactly who he is, what his commitments are, and the trust they are breaking. That doesn't let the other women off the hook, but unless they are a friend, I don't bother with the others.

If I were my friend's wife, I'd be mad at him, surely. Though I don't know anything about their relationship except that I hear they aren't happy together and they aren't legally married. Anyway, if it were me, I'd probably tell him to stop texting that woman and I'd want to know what the heck he thought he was doing, going out with her.

For now, all that remains conjecture.

CodeJob

Pippi,



Are you in counseling? For me, I need someone to help me muck out my head. Although my H was the A, I too am ACOA. Turns out THAT is my top trait in my type of guy. Well guess what? I've already got one in R. So no particular reason for me to swap models when the engine is the same.

The new interest sounds like the same sort....

MissFixit

If he is with a woman and shares kids with her, then they are in a committed relationship albeit maybe not a a legal marriage, however, he is taken. You are angling to make pursing it acceptable. You know it is not okay to continue with him, so why are you doing it?

Hawkeye13

Hi Pippi;
I know it's hard to resist sometimes.

So you are saying that this man is not married?
Is he living with the woman and are there children involved?

If they aren't married and there are no children, then maybe you should insist
he resolve his situation with her before anything "starts up" with you.
If there are children, or community property is in play, I think you need to
consider biding your time and letting that also resolve itself over time.
If they are unhappy or not, you having an affair with him will not help them be happier.
He may be using it (and you) to extricate himself from the situation.
Any chance of that? Or is it one of these European Have a wife or live-in / have a mistress as well because we live in a civilized patriarchal society

If there are kids, and you are the woman Dad "left" mom for,
there will be very likely long-term issues with the kids which would suggest your presence in his life to be temporary at best.
Many men will not continue with that kind of conflict in their family, as I have noted
in many observations and no doubt you have too.

None of the above is meant as judgement--I care about you and want to give
you some honest feedback and things we can sift through so you make the best
choice possible. Villages are villages, and your actions will be the talk of that town
in the social circle you move in. Since you want this to be your permanent home,
you need to make wise and "fair" moves socially I think, or be forever margainalized.

What is it you think you want in the end?

Flavia2

This is adultery on your part too, Pippi. It isn't just the married party that commits adultery. And it still is wrong even if nothing physical has happened. I hope you figure this out soon- not trying to judge but this guy is TAKEN. He has CHILDREN.

FireSprite

I think I have to agree with Stung's opinion from yesterday.......

Quack, Quackity, quack quack..... it sounds a lot like justifying bad behavior to me.

It's your life Pippi, obviously, but I really hope you know what you are doing here.

m1k3

Pipi, welcome back to the land of magical thinking. :o

You know deep down that you don't need someone else to make you happy. As they say in the rooms happiness is an inside job.

Your friend,

slolewaknup

Pippi

I have been lurking here for a few months. Struggling to accept what my reality is. I have an AH. He thinks it is "fun"....no idea how serious it is.

He is also a cheater. Emotionally. He thinks there is nothing wrong. Just friends. It's "fun". He knows what he has at home and would never ruin that by "cheating".....YEA RIGHT!

He HAS ruined it. It kills me everyday to know what he does.

I am so sorry you find yourself in deep with a married man...but let me tell you how I feel from the other side....fresh in it....feeling it everyday.

I obsess...."what is wrong with me?" Why doesn't he like me? Why can't he talk to me?
Why won't he spend time with me? What is wrong with me? If only I was prettier. If only I was able to spend more time with him. If only...if only...if only.....

I am dying inside. The pain is so great. And sometimes it overshadows the Alcoholic part of it all....and I forget that I should be running from that monster....and instead I go into the ridiculous "pick me dance" and turn into some kind of Codie disaster of a woman.

Think about what you are doing. So many lines crossed. And they are crossed on you everyday too....don't think that he isn't telling his wife horrendous things about you (if you get caught).

You seem like you had so much together in your posts....it crushes me to see that you would let yourself fall into this trap.

RUN! RUN from this man! Run back to Pippi!

In another post someone said "Same man...Different suit." Wow. That is so true.

Kimmieh

Please don't think there is a difference between a marriage and a committed (non-married) relationship. If there is a partner who consider her/himself to be in a committed and monogamous relationship with the straying person, it's cheating.

I had recent contact with one of my exes from way back when, a married pastor (!). He kept flirting (and crossed several lines) and I kept asking casual questions about his wife. He eventually got the message. Direct your attention to how his behavior towards you makes HER feel maybe? As you feel radiant in light of his attention, she would feel crushed and devastated if she knew about it. That, I think, is a high price to pay for feeling good.

PippiLngstockng

Ok, you all are awesome. You are probably getting me back on track.

Slo, welcome here. I went through that, too. How can I improve myself so AH will want to be with me again? Years and years of that. A very sad way for us to live.

So if my new friend is a wolf like my xah, you've given me some insight as to why I might play with this fire. This guy can hold his own. Even to xah. My new friend is attractive, strong, smart, amazingly gifted and successful. And he is chasing me a bit. I am on the other side for a change. Look, maybe he is a nice guy who will do the right thing ultimately. Work out his primary relationship, or move on before getting seriously involved with someone else. Maybe he just wants to be my friend. I really don't know yet. Or he's another a** as speculated. In which case maybe the dark side of Pippi will let him chase me to no avail. Let him choose me and shut the door in his face.

Either way, I'm still on my feet.

Don't hate me too much for letting this continue a bit longer. I am trying to learn who I am now after 19 years of marriage and I have no interest of being a victim again. Your warnings are well taken. You are right. And I didn't really think this thing through. And yes, I am quacking!!! I hear it, too!!!

So far I have the love and support of my community and my friends think it is worth waiting a little longer and seeing what this fellow is up to. Quite possibly this is one of those mistress on the side in enlightened patriarchal European society things. He's French for heaven's sake. I don't want my spirit squashed again. I don't think I'd stick around long enough for him to think he's got me. My instinct was to pull my hand away. I might play sports with him, but in truth, he struggles to keep up with me.

And yes, therapy isn't a bad idea.

Kimmieh

But isn't he already proving that he is not a nice guy and isn't he currently doing the wrong thing?

Friends don't try to put my hand on theirs.


I think you are making it far more complicated than it is. He is a hot successful guy who makes you feel good. You know he is bad news, but you like the rush. Honestly, I totally get it. But I don't think it is a good idea to rationalize it as some sort of process of self-discovery. What I am trying to say is that while I am sure there is a host of reasons behind your desire to hang to this a bit more, none of them are ultimately healthy for you (just my opinion).

slolewaknup

I quietly find strength in reading posts here. The truths sting hard when I read them....here and on relationship sites I visit too.

Some day I will stand strong. With a marriage or without I will be me again. I see things I never saw before...and everyday I learn to love me more and more.

Maybe I will have the strength to tell my story here and help someone like you all have helped me without even knowing. But I just felt moved to reply to you...tell you there is another side to the "relationships" you have with your "friends".

I get it Pippi...I do....the wanting someone to want you. I often think maybe I should flirt with disaster a little to...after all I am an attractive, fun loving woman and am told so many times.....maybe feeling that desire of another man would push me enough to take the final steps I need....but I just can't shake the feeling that....two wrongs don't make a right....do onto others as you would want them to do to you...etc...I just don't have that in me. That is where I am stuck. I want MY husband to want ME. I don't care what anyone thinks about me but him (ugh...I am sick).

So I continue to read....everything I can...and gain strength from wisdom. I am healing myself so I have the strength I know I will need when this battle begins truly.

Thanks Pippi for the strength you give me.

dandylion

I think we all attribute more to "celebrity" types---like there must be something more special about them that causes them to be covered by a glittery mist.

ESPECIALLY when viewed through the cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters---from our emotionally starved brains. Perhaps one of the strongest forces in our nature---this sexual attraction thing. It has to be, after all.

Just remember, that if you strip away his status and the hormones simmer down--he is just another mortal, protoplasm filled sack hurling, for a short time, through space.

Picture him when he gets man-boobs, a receding hairline, an enlarged prostate and needs a hip replacement....that will make the fairy dust evaporate!!

Pippi, I promise that I am not an as*---I'm trying to help you.......really..

dandylion

biminiblue

Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash.


I have been on all sides of the adultery issue. None of this ends well, ever. Don't try to fix your past by pursuing this guy. You're going to prove to yourself that he is not looking after your best interests, then you will have even more trust issues. "Winning" this guy isn't exactly getting a prize.

Oh, and..."We aren't getting along. We always argue. We have nothing in common. She doesn't understand me. We never have sex. It's like living with my sister. There's no spark, like with you. You're so intriguing. Why didn't I meet you XX number of years ago?"
~said every Cheater ever.

needingabreak

Pippi, I urge you to go over to Ivillage and read the EAS board. Read all the horror the women who were in affairs are dealing with. They never end well. I already know if someone wants to pursue it and it is feeding their neediness and ego enough no words of wisdom will stop them.
Know in advance no matter what you say, the guy is a heel and a cheater. He is chasing you as you say and you think he will be happy just holding hands??? You are kidding yourself if you think you are going to let him chase and then just stop. You are enjoying the attention (which I understand) and soon you will want more.
I feel bad for you because I know what is in store for. Heartache and pain while destroying a family unit.
I can tell you it isn't worth it till I am blue in the face but you sound like you are too far gone.

lillamy

You realize you sound like an addict, Pippi?

• It's not so bad, they're not married and they're unhappy ("Hey, I don't drink in bars and I only drink beer")
• Nothing has happened yet, really, we're just hanging out ("What's the problem? I've never gotten in trouble with the law or anything)"
• Don't hate me too much for letting this continue a bit longer. I am trying to learn who I am now after 19 years of marriage ("Look: My drinking isn't hurting anyone. And I can quit whenever I want")

hopeful4

Pippi....do you know how many women are the mistress and then end up surprised when they cheat on you later on after you have committed a life with them. And you have children to think about and be a role model to.

Obviously, this is just my .02, but I feel like we go back far enough for me to give it to you straight. I just don't want you or your children to hurt anymore than you already have because you are feeling the excitement of the chase from someone you see as a stable man. It does not change the fact he is a married man.

XXX

MAGW

Ok my two cents Pippi.... I was married 20 yrs to a non-alcoholic but workaholic 'attractive, strong, smart, amazingly gifted and successful,' Narcissist... He is a good guy but he only knows how to be 'on' to feed his empty ego, as he sadly is not capable of an emotional connection, something you wouldn't truly know until much further along in this. He loves our kids, but really it is the same with them. I went from him to my XAB, who in fact was amazing with his emotions, but definitely did not have the outer success, blah blah blah... There are parts of these two disorders that are the SAME. This would also explain why he doesnt see anything wrong with the lines he is crossing - he is addicted to feeding his ego and certainly with a wife and kids and stressful daily life, he doesn't feed his addiction at home, so he's using you. I just know when I am ready for the next relationship which I really want years alone first, I won't be looking to for that again, in fact I will steer clear of wealthy, successful men, as well as hot, kind, paycheck to paycheck men who drive a truck and but beer every day after work .

MAGW

Oh, I left out that my narcissist had major anger issues at home because he had to keep the facade of charisma and leadership up all day with others

HopefulmomtoD

Um ... wow ... I'm kind of speechless. I've got a lot I want to say having been the victim of my DH's infidelity, but would rather not rip open old wounds.

I'll say this: it was over 12 years ago and it still hurts. It changed who I am and how I trust- forever. We stayed together but it has not been easy. I can not even imagine being part of inflicting this pain on another human being because it made me feel good.