I moved countries to be with him, now he tells me he is an alcoholic
 

Hey there,

I'm new...
I just found out yesterday that my husband is admitting that he is an alcoholic.

I moved to the states in 2012 to be with him, and we have since married.
After a year of living together (in his family home) I got a full time position at an amazing institution, which I took to start building a foundation for our life together. But it meant I moved 3hrs away.

He stayed behind to 'finish' school... Which I have also just learnt he has been lying about. And was supposed to be living with me now.

I'm currently in the position where he is asking if I can forgive him, and to be honest I don't know. I gave up my world to be with him, and he hasn't given anything in return. In fact when we spoke again tonight he told me he has been lying the entire time I've been in the country.
Even when he told me, he did it over the phone rather than coming and speaking to me in person.

I'm not sure that I even really know who this man is.

I've read posts on here where people ask if it is worth staying in the relationship... My question - if he's been lying for 2 years, is he really going to be able to get better? Is he going to be able to be the family I need in replacement of the family I left?

I know it's selfish to think that way... But am I trapping myself if I stay?

Only the two of you know those answers. Leopards dont change their spots too often. You dont have to decide right away, dont listen to a word and look at his actions over a long period of time, trust will be established, or it wont.

I welcome you here to SR. Lots of good info here, especially in the stickies at the top of the forum. I hope you have peace soon.

Only if you let him in the door.

If you have a position, and you like your job, stay awhile and see what comes of it.
You don't have to have him in your life.
You are three hours away and can build a great life on your own.

I, personally, would never be able to trust someone who convinced me to uproot my
entire life on a series of lies, so I think I would end the relationship no matter what
you choose to do about going home or staying.

Hopeful is right--spot-changing is pretty hard.

Sorry you came all this way on false hopes, but you sound resourceful and smart.
That can take you pretty far without him in the picture here or there :)

Can you stay here if you are not married to him? Do you need to return to your home country? Are there legal issues? Can he make legal trouble for you?

Nope and Nope.

Mine has been lying to me for 12 years and he is out and still lying to me. Well not really to me because I stopped it.

Be glad you know now and decide if you want it to be 3 years? This man is an alcoholic they lie and lie and lie and they are very good at it


Man if I could have a $1.00 for every time that scenario and question came up I would be in great shape. Oh this isn't about me.

Bottom line, you cannot trust this man to tell you the truth about anything. Ever.

I don't think you're being selfish. Sounds like he isn't at all the person he told you he was this whole time and I don't even know if you have enough information to decide if he can get better, right? Does he have a plan in place to get better? What action is he willing to show?

Im actually at the point of confirming our marriage to remove the conditions on my green card.
I've told him he needs to explain to the lawyer out situation and to find out what the likelihood of that happening is.
Because he hasn't moved down to be with me, which he should have been by now, I'm worried it's going to look bad to immigration.

Otherwise, I want to keep my job. I have my own place and a life without him here, because I had to. So that I'm ok with, and I'm confident if things went bad if be ok to stay and do just fine.

I'm wanting to give him the chance to change - since he only admitted this on Monday and started at counseling and AA this week.
But I guess I'm prepared for the worst because I'm not sure I'll ever really trust him again.

How does anyone trust again after all the lies?

Southern cross, if you were to have children with this man. Would he be there for you, would you be able to get him to support you emotionally and financially? Would he let you rest while he took care of the baby? Would you need your family to do these things? People do change they change all the time. I don't think any of us would of married your partners if they were drinking when we got together. If your whole married life has been a lie, that is a real worry, makes you wonder why he has felt he has had to lie? Maybe relationship counciling might be your first step to trying to understand his position first.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I moved across country and had the same thing happen (different huge lies, but the same in a way.)

I never got past it and we divorced. Each couple is different, and you will know in your heart what to do. I stayed for about a year after the lies came to light. There was no fixing it - your situation may be different. Follow your gut.

If I could go back in time...to when I first was lied to before I was married, before I had kids....I would walk away and never look back. I don't want to be negative but my thought is - save yourself the pain and heartache. He's showed you who he is.

With a good immigration lawyer, you shouldn't have to stay with a guy to get to stay in the country. Finding out after the marriage that he's an alcoholic could be enough to let you keep your green card. Unless of course it's not the first time he's been married to someone from outside the US... then you may have trouble... (((hugs)))

Thanks for your support everyone...

I am hoping that everything will be fine with immigration, it just means we are now thousands of dollars out of pocket that we shouldn't have been. Not to mention the money I 'thought' was getting saved but wasn't...

He has told me the reason for the lying - and whilst I understand it I don't forgive him for it yet. He was too scared to tell his parents he didn't want to be at college, so he lied. But that only shows that he cares more about them than me.

I never really thought I wanted kids anyway - but I do not think I could bring a child into this world with him now... I don't ever want to put a child through the heartache of something like this. And I never want to have the answers I think I would have to those questions.

I've decided that I am going to try and support him... But I know that I am going to need to set myself conditions on what I am or am not ok with, where do I draw the line and say enough is enough etc.

Does anyone have any suggestions for this? Is it best to give a timeline and reevaluate then? Because I'm sure if I say one time and I'm out, he'll definitely lie again....

I really appreciate the help and advice and experiences y'all are sharing with me... Thank you.

I feel like I need to chime in only because sometimes they do recover and change, although it's not the norm. I've heard 10%. My RAH (5th year of sobriety) says that he's unsure if that's accurate because so many people leave their programs but later find other ones so they aren't tracked.

So let's say 10% recover. Those aren't great odds and if I started a relationship built completely on lies I don't think I'd stay.

My husband lied to me all of the time while he was drinking, about big things and small. For me, the hardest part about being with an alcoholic was never being able to trust what he said about any stupid little thing. When he finally got sober (after a billion attempts) it took a year to start trusting him and then a couple to stop doubting him.