amy55

I have been divorced now for 4.5 years. Away from him for about 6 years. My contractor, who I get along with so well, and also his workers, know someone who is a little older then me, divorced, and does the same as I. Isolate myself.

Well, they think it might be a good idea to just have a get together, and see if things might work out between the 2 of us. No expectations, just to meet.

Should I? It wouldn't happen for at least 3 weeks, it was just that I kinda swore off all men after my marriage.

I get good advice here, so just wondering what y'all think.

SparkleKitty

Well...you might just make a new friend, no?

ladyscribbler

No harm in meeting someone new. He might be a nice guy. I vote yes.

Joe Nerv

We only live once.

I believe in pushing at the walls of my comfort zone. And walking through my fears and concerns.

I met my wife by going with a friend to a party I initially said no to. I consciously re decided, thinking I should put myself out there in new ways, and experience new things (party was with people I didn't know).

So I say, yes.

lillamy

You're a woman, my dear. You're entitled to changing your mind. I may or may not know someone who also swore off men and, well, ended up getting married again...

Seriously, you know? Worst case scenario, you go have coffee with a guy you have nothing in common with. It's hard enough to meet new people at our age (I assume we're close in age since your son just got married!) -- I say go for it!

In the interest of full disclosure, though, I'd be terrified of a blind date. Heck, I'd be terrified of any date. But as long as you're both just meeting to meet, and nobody expects anything else, I think it's a good idea and you're brave to consider it!

POAndrea

Go for it! I think we can isolate ourselves enough when we are dealing with our A's, so why continue to cut yourself off from someone who might become a true friend, even if nothing else, to you? G-d knows we can all use more of those!

amy55

I think that I am still terrified of not knowing if I am OK yet.

I went to my son's wedding alone. I got so much sh!t from my family that I should find a man to bring me there. I wanted to go alone. I wanted to feel independent. I had a great time. I found out that people did actually "like" me.

I don't know if I am actually ready right now for someone to be in my life. I think I am ready for a male friend to go to the movies with, or to have coffee with, I think you know what I am talking about.

I'm very gun shy. I still don't think that I know what "normal" is.

I still just want to hide myself away from the "hurt". Even though since I left, I have found nothing but opened arms and love.

What is wrong with me? I came back from the wedding feeling nothing but love, but I'm still afraid.

ladyscribbler

My dad used to take us fishing. I had no trouble baiting the hook or reeling in a fish,but when it came time to actually touch what I had caught, I was terrified for some reason.
My dad told me, "Remember, they are just as scared of you as you are of them."

amy55

My son when he was younger wanted to learn how to fish. I hated touching that fish, but I had to so the fish wouldn't die, so we could try him back in. I thought that my ex would have done that, but I had to.

I like the analogy though. It reminds me of when you need to do something, you just do it. Things usually turn out Ok.

But Lilamy, never did respond to how old I am, I am 58. I bought into a gated community, I got 4 cats. Did that to protect myself from ever getting involved with another person.

davenport

Being gun shy is a good thing. It means you're willing to listen to your instint about a new person. I'm guilty of ignoring my instinct (repeatedly) when it came to my ex.
Something that I've always known about myself is that I am not attracted to whatever "normal" is. I am extremely attracted to the opposite of whatever "normal" is.
To be completely honest, every time a guy is interested in me I automatically suspect something is wrong with him. If I find myself attracted to him, it's right around the same time I learn there really is something wrong with him.
I think it's totally okay to know what you capable of offering right now and I think there's nothing wrong with the way you are feeing. Change is scary. Meeting new people is intimidating for so many reasons.
But life is really short and as much as you can discover about yourself at home alone with your pretty kitties, you won't ever find out if you're ready until you try.

Praying

Amy, I understand the fear. Completely. I am DONE with intimate male relationships.

But...a couple of months ago with the help of my counselor I realized...this is almost funny that it took me such a LONG time to admit it...here goes...drum roll...

I want and need affection. (Hahaha. Duh. Before anyone says we don't NEED it, it's on Maslow's hierarchy. I know this because I was claiming I didn't have any unmet needs right now since I'm safe with a house and food, and T called baloney.) I admitted that I wish I were the 18 year old me knowing what I know now, because while I get affection from friends/family, I wish I wanted affection from a man. (We're not even talking sex here, just caring behavior and touch, not from a brother or friend. Haven't had that in 15 years or longer.)

Here's why I couldn't admit it. Because then it means I might try someday. And that scares the heck out of me. I can't let anyone ever treat me poorly again. I think I'm smarter now, but I still don't want to deal with how it feels even if I leave him ASAP if it happens. I still have some big triggers. I decided it's not worth it.

Met a guy. A cute guy whose wife cheated and left several years ago, who was devastated and started running to cope, who is a loving father to his kids, who drinks very rarely, who has so many of the same interests as me and none of the signs of an abuser or a narcissist (and who doesn't know the HALF of my story!) He scares the crap out of me! Why? Because I still don't believe. I don't believe (because I never experienced it) that a man could become intimately close to me and truly love and give and not purposefully hurt. Not because there's something wrong with me, I'm past that. But because I just don't believe. And I don't ever want to be in that position again.

But I keep talking to him. Interestingly, I've had some crazy dreams with old baggage resurfacing, and I've stopped seeing him probably 75 times (he knows none of them), but when I live in the present moment, I enjoy him. That's what we're supposed to do, I guess. Stay here, stay now. Not easy.

Had a really rough week with those dreams resurfacing...realizing it's because I LIKE him and my subconscious is considering TRUSTING him. (Aaack!) I don't like the stress of it all, but that's all occurring when I'm not with him. So I can't let the past own my future. And I think time won't change that fear/reaction. Only choosing well and watching it unfold can take that fear away.

Told my friend a few days ago.... I guess I need to suck it up and power through a few hours with a sweet guy that I'm attracted to who is nice to me so far. Sounds horrendous, right?

We are meant to be social creatures and desire companionship. If you don't want it, that's fine. If you find yourself wondering, listen to your voice and be open. There's no right answer. For me, I'm very happy being alone and can see that. I still can't imagine ever letting a man live with me or for heaven's sake, getting married again. But I like hearing of others here who have found great partnerships. I still want to believe. And I'm not gonna say no way anymore.

IMHO...if you posted it here, your subconscious has really been toying with the idea, is open to it, and hopes you'll take a go. You might even not like this guy but realize you'd like to try another. If you guard you, the risk is low and probably worth taking.

Funny story, I have a close friend who exited an abusive relationship who won't accept dates. Well-meaning friends try to encourage her. "What's the worst that can happen? At the very least it's a free meal." She says, "I'm almost 50 years old! I CAN BUY MY OWN FOOD!!!" I laugh all the time and think of that. You're not ready till you're ready.

Sorry this post is all over the board but I've gotta run!

Hammer

You are asking folks HERE for relationship advice?

Think about that for a minute.

So does the contractor do good work? Does he get that his business / customer relationship is at risk if this guy is a Bozo? If so, the guy is probably okay. On the other hand, if he is just tossing the turtle and the duck in the bath tub, maybe not.

But yeah, YOLO. Enjoy. You have our permission.

Bernadette777

Hi Hammer,
It's me Bernadette777 here, how are you? Hope all is well or going well.
I love the advice you give here. You're responses Rock & really help out folks here, they helped me out big time.. I say be happy to the gal. Maslow would be proud. Good luck dear gal.
Bernadette777

Bernadette777

Amy,
All the best, be happy!

amy55

Thank you so much for this. It's all the thoughts and feelings that I have, and I am not really that person that would post things like this. I love you guys here and I trust you. Trust is not easy for me. It's easy for me to trust people that are not that close to me, (intimate). Since I left my instincts have been pretty good on who to trust and who not to.

When it comes to my heart, I boxed that up a long time ago. I'm afraid of opening up that box again. I know that this "date" can work out or not, I'm ok with that, I am just afraid of opening up a box where I care about another person in "that way".

It's in a way strange, I trust my contractor, and anyone that came over to my house to work. I hang out with them. They were really my first friends when I moved here. They know what I went through, or at least a lot of what I went through. He is like a son to me. He is 34. He takes care of me and watches out for me.

I think I know that this guy will be ok, I just wonder about me.

But I'm going to do it. I don't know when it will be, perhaps sometime in July, they did tell me that they would try to arrange it as the gang just going out, and that he also has no expectations.

I'm just so nervous !!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that by doing this I am opening up a door that I never wanted to open again. Maybe I am ready for this.

CodeJob

Well, this is my favorite new cartoonist answering your question.

http://zenpencils.com/comic/103-c-s-...o-love-at-all/

Hawkeye13

Get your feet wet Amy--you've been working hard at recovery and you must start somewhere.

You have a lot to offer a partner and deserve happiness in your life.
Since you've been through Hel, you will be able to see happiness more clearly now

We will support you.
Something like coffee or a movie won't be too much for a start and go from there.

SoaringSpirits

I'm also part of the "done with men forever" club.

Skip the "blind date" thing and just hang out with this guy. See if you have any interest in just being friends.

I had an experience recently where I did just this with a man who 'likes' me. I am just not ready to date or anything. I told him straight up. To my surprise, he was relieved and we agreed we'd be friends and help each other with yard work on the weekends. It is great fun and we have similar interests. And there is no pressure for anything more. He's like a girlfriend except that he knows how to use scary power tools. ;-)

desypete

if you dont try you will never know : )

i am a lot like you but for me i really have given up on women full stop.

my last girlfriend for example had a large number of friends on her mobile phone she would sit for hours happy enoung on her phone chatting away to both males and females etc it used to drive me nuts as i just wanted her to cuddle me
i came home from a 15 hour day one day and she was there on her phone didnt even look up to me let alone get up and give me a kiss

this used to cause me to feel alone with her and sometimes even jealous

her dog on the other hand would leap up into my arms and lick my face showing how pleased she was to see me
i got more attetnion out of the dog than i did with her
in the end it had to end she was quite happy in our relationship except for my moods if i seen my back side with her over her texting
so that was it i made the decsion i would rather be alone and unhappy than ever be in a relationship that makes me feel alone and unhappy

so good luck to you and just give it a try as you never know : )

unsureoffuture

I say go for it! No harm in just meeting him. Maybe there will be chemistry, maybe not.

Not all men are like our A's. There are good, healthy, happy men out there who could add to your life.