finally had a sober conversation

Old 06-24-2014, 07:27 AM
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finally had a sober conversation

So, I messaged my bf earlier and asked if we could set aside time to talk tonight. I had a meeting from 8pm so he nicely had the kids in bed when I got home but he was asleep on the couch.
I couldn't wait, I had been psyching myself up to say something for too long without opportunity so I woke him up. I was going to explain what I've learnt about Al Anon do far, I was going yo tell him about this helpful site, my boundaries etc but I knew it would be delaying the inevitable so I plain asked that if I were to move out ( I only said me not us as I didn't want to start a fight about custody) would he buy me out of the house. I got legal advice last week for de facto couples and I know how much the house is worth. His response was to walk into another room saying no, he'll move out. To which I responded," but I can't buy you out." Then I get, "I wouldn't expect you too, I'm going to bed." Walks out, goes to bed.
Me? I'm in the foetal position on the couch crying my eyes out. I wanted to finish that conversation. I need to know where I stand! He can't say he's suprised about my decision. I've been sleeping in the spare room for the last month and only conversing with him when it has to do with the kids.
I want do badly to storm in there, I want to know when I can expect him to leave! I want to know why he's not begging me to change my mind!
I can imagine I won't be getting much sleep myself tonight. I have to go out again tomorrow night asI'm coordinating a couple different community meetings so won't be home til late.
I start a new part time job on Monday and unexpectedly found childcare (thought I was going to have to go on a waitlist) so I've got lots of awesome things happening for me.
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Old 06-24-2014, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by kalalanon View Post
I wanted to finish that conversation. I need to know where I stand! I want to know when I can expect him to leave! I want to know why he's not begging me to change my mind!
It can be so frustrating when our A's leave us hanging and don't fight for us, but the sooner we let go of the expectation that they will behave as a normal, healthy individual would in a relationship, the sooner we can move forward no matter what they do. Congratulations on all the good things that are happening for you right now. Use that momentum!
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Old 06-24-2014, 08:21 AM
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I'm glad things are looking up for you with both work and child care!!!

As for the A? Well, I wouldn't expect any movement on his part unless you push the issue. Ask him for a date; if the date is not acceptable to you, you could choose to move out yourself and either have him buy you out or insist on selling the house.

Walking away and refusing to engage in a difficult discussion (especially when sober) seems pretty typical. Unfortunately.
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Old 06-24-2014, 08:32 AM
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Get / Give a move-out date or say you'll be moving and the house will be put up for sale.

But don't do any of the above unless you mean it.

You can take control for yourself since he is just walking out of the room.

It is pretty typical A behavior--please don't take it personally.
He doesn't want to deal, so if he walks away he buys himself time.
I suggest you don't let him get by with that if it is hurting you so much.
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Old 06-24-2014, 01:46 PM
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It's only the first step (albeit a positive one). Keep going in the right direction and you'll wind up where you want to be. He's not going to give you what you want in the beginning, it's a negotiation (with a lawyer, if necessary).
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