I might break up with my sponsor/Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I might break up with my sponsor/Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities
Hi All,
So, during my last meeting with my sponsor, I had kind of a breakdown because I feel unable to commit to my assignments from her on the level that she is asking me to. I had only written in my journal 2 of the days of the week. I hadn't answered any of the 5 questions she assigned from one of the Al anon books. She asked how I can recommit to my recovery. I felt like I was a kid getting in trouble for not doing my homework all over again. She also told me that when she was working the steps with her sponsor, she completed her homework on time and came to the meetings prepared. I felt instantly put on the spot, but I understand her concern. I felt ashamed. I asked if I am wasting her time and she said that I'm not, but she went into all that she does to make herself available to me.
I get where she's coming from and I think I'm wasting her time. The thing is that I don't think she really understands where I'm coming from. I know myself well enough to know that I would be approaching this a lot differently if I wasn't overwhelmed with raising my son alone. Back in my rigorous schooling from 2008-11, I still would have been able to make time. I would have enjoyed it even. It was getting to meetings that fit my sched that was hard back then. During the first month of my sponsorship, I was still writing and journaling a fair amount. One month in though, AX broke up with me. I still found time to write and go to meetings though, because I was still trusting AX alone with DS. Now things are different. I have 8-10 hours to mySelf each week during DS's visits with X which I usually spend on errands and cleaning house. I feel like I'm constantly running around putting out fires instead of preventing them. I'm tired too. Just. so. tired. My life is unmanageable. And yet, it keeps on going.
I spend more time on SR than I do with writing largely because I can do it while lying in bed, nursing my son to sleep. I also like the varying ideas/thoughts.
Another thing is that I think I might need to focus more on recovery from my heartbreak and from love addiction. I think my love addiction is stronger than my codependency, though they are totally wrapped up together. It think this might be a good time to get a sponsor in my love addiction fellowship.
As far as meetings go, I only go to ones that have free childcare. This means I have one option near my home while I'm not at work. Sometimes I make it to a SLAA meeting while DS is with his dad.
I want to recover! I'm so tired of hurting. I'm trying to get by and raise my child and find community. I would LOVE to work more on the steps. I'm not sure it's realistic for me to expect much more from myself right now. It sucks, but that's where I'm at.
Money is tight. It would be cool if I could get a babysitter for an hour a day, but I currently operate at a deficit. I'm trying to make friends with people who can help, but I don't like rushing friendships. I also still have a problem asking for help without feeling like I owe something.
Must leave for work now.
P.S. Today is my first Al-anon birthday, but I don't feel that great about it.
So, during my last meeting with my sponsor, I had kind of a breakdown because I feel unable to commit to my assignments from her on the level that she is asking me to. I had only written in my journal 2 of the days of the week. I hadn't answered any of the 5 questions she assigned from one of the Al anon books. She asked how I can recommit to my recovery. I felt like I was a kid getting in trouble for not doing my homework all over again. She also told me that when she was working the steps with her sponsor, she completed her homework on time and came to the meetings prepared. I felt instantly put on the spot, but I understand her concern. I felt ashamed. I asked if I am wasting her time and she said that I'm not, but she went into all that she does to make herself available to me.
I get where she's coming from and I think I'm wasting her time. The thing is that I don't think she really understands where I'm coming from. I know myself well enough to know that I would be approaching this a lot differently if I wasn't overwhelmed with raising my son alone. Back in my rigorous schooling from 2008-11, I still would have been able to make time. I would have enjoyed it even. It was getting to meetings that fit my sched that was hard back then. During the first month of my sponsorship, I was still writing and journaling a fair amount. One month in though, AX broke up with me. I still found time to write and go to meetings though, because I was still trusting AX alone with DS. Now things are different. I have 8-10 hours to mySelf each week during DS's visits with X which I usually spend on errands and cleaning house. I feel like I'm constantly running around putting out fires instead of preventing them. I'm tired too. Just. so. tired. My life is unmanageable. And yet, it keeps on going.
I spend more time on SR than I do with writing largely because I can do it while lying in bed, nursing my son to sleep. I also like the varying ideas/thoughts.
Another thing is that I think I might need to focus more on recovery from my heartbreak and from love addiction. I think my love addiction is stronger than my codependency, though they are totally wrapped up together. It think this might be a good time to get a sponsor in my love addiction fellowship.
As far as meetings go, I only go to ones that have free childcare. This means I have one option near my home while I'm not at work. Sometimes I make it to a SLAA meeting while DS is with his dad.
I want to recover! I'm so tired of hurting. I'm trying to get by and raise my child and find community. I would LOVE to work more on the steps. I'm not sure it's realistic for me to expect much more from myself right now. It sucks, but that's where I'm at.
Money is tight. It would be cool if I could get a babysitter for an hour a day, but I currently operate at a deficit. I'm trying to make friends with people who can help, but I don't like rushing friendships. I also still have a problem asking for help without feeling like I owe something.
Must leave for work now.
P.S. Today is my first Al-anon birthday, but I don't feel that great about it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
If this is making you feel worse instead of better, maybe it would be good to take a break.
I'm not a 12 step person, however, so I may not know as much as those who are.
It's OK to look after yourself and not feel guilty for "homework" if you have a baby to care for I would think.
Big hug for the day LI
I'm not a 12 step person, however, so I may not know as much as those who are.
It's OK to look after yourself and not feel guilty for "homework" if you have a baby to care for I would think.
Big hug for the day LI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Happy Al-Anon birthday!!!
Here's what I think -- take what you can use etc: YOUR recovery is yours. A sponsor is supposed to work WITH you -- not take charge of your recovery FOR you and boss you around. You have to remember that Al-Anon is chock-filled with control freaks who want to control something, anything...
I wouldn't be able to work with a sponsor who assigned me larger amounts of homework than I feel capable of dealing with. My sponsor would take her cues from me, and step back and gently prod me when I wasn't moving forward. That approach worked well for me.
And honestly, a sponsor who acts like you're wasting her time is probably not a good sponsor. If she gets personally insulted that YOU are not working YOUR recovery the way SHE wants you to -- then I think she still has some work to do on HERSELF.
Don't feel bad for ditching her. I wouldn't. (((hugs)))
Here's what I think -- take what you can use etc: YOUR recovery is yours. A sponsor is supposed to work WITH you -- not take charge of your recovery FOR you and boss you around. You have to remember that Al-Anon is chock-filled with control freaks who want to control something, anything...
I wouldn't be able to work with a sponsor who assigned me larger amounts of homework than I feel capable of dealing with. My sponsor would take her cues from me, and step back and gently prod me when I wasn't moving forward. That approach worked well for me.
And honestly, a sponsor who acts like you're wasting her time is probably not a good sponsor. If she gets personally insulted that YOU are not working YOUR recovery the way SHE wants you to -- then I think she still has some work to do on HERSELF.
Don't feel bad for ditching her. I wouldn't. (((hugs)))
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I second Lillamy and Hawkeye, she seems controlling and a bad fit for you. Being a member of Al Anon and working the steps should enrich your life and free you not add unnecessary stress about homework etc.
Well you are not her and she seems quite rigid, a little understanding and compassion would go a long way. It's not like you are quacking, you are just overwhelmed raising a child alone with little money to spare, find someone who can see the difference.
She also told me that when she was working the steps with her sponsor, she completed her homework on time and came to the meetings prepared
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
She also told me that when she was working the steps with her sponsor, she completed her homework on time and came to the meetings prepared
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Her mentioning all she does to make herself available to you and then using it to guit trip you when you don't do what she wants actually seems very codependent on her part. Imagine that... finding a codie at an alanon meeting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Heheh. I'm not upset with her. She was gentle about the way she said things. One thing she said was that this is the way she was sponsored and this is the way she knows how to sponsor someone. I don't fault her for that at all. She mentioned the possibility of me getting a sponsor who lives closer to me (I moved in Feb. & I'm further away from her now). She also had reminded me that "we" hit a plateau back in Dec., so I think she was trying to gently push me when I'm not moving forward. But maybe I AM moving forward in other ways. The night before I meet with my sponsor, I went to therapy & my T was reminding me how strong I am and all that I have accomplished. My sponsor has suggested that I write a list of my accomplishments before, but when I saw her last week I felt like there was a focus on what I haven't done.
It's true that codies can be controlling perfectionists. It's also true that we can downplay when someone isn't treating is the way we want to be treated.
I get confused sometimes about whether I'm downplaying poor treatment or playing the victim. I know too many annoying people (especially my mom) who are just constantly making excuses for why their lives suck so bad, not taking any action. I don't want to be that way, but I think I'm capable of reverting to that.
Do you think it's manipulative for her to throw out a reminder to me that or sponsorship was initially only temporary, but then say that she's totally there for me if I want to keep working with her?
I think I would feel relieved if I didn't have to make the time for our appointments and if I could focus my recovery time on finishing the reading and work in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Gasp! That's not CAL!
It's true that codies can be controlling perfectionists. It's also true that we can downplay when someone isn't treating is the way we want to be treated.
I get confused sometimes about whether I'm downplaying poor treatment or playing the victim. I know too many annoying people (especially my mom) who are just constantly making excuses for why their lives suck so bad, not taking any action. I don't want to be that way, but I think I'm capable of reverting to that.
Do you think it's manipulative for her to throw out a reminder to me that or sponsorship was initially only temporary, but then say that she's totally there for me if I want to keep working with her?
I think I would feel relieved if I didn't have to make the time for our appointments and if I could focus my recovery time on finishing the reading and work in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Gasp! That's not CAL!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by LightInside 
P.S. Today is my first Al-anon birthday, but I don't feel that great about it.
The first year is the Easy One.
Yeah, understand all that. After MY first year, and up to Step 4 . . . I completely quit. Had what I wanted and who needed Alanon? (Turned out to be me).
But Alanon and the Earth are patient. They will wait of us.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I've been in al-anon 3 years. I don't have a sponsor and don't work the steps. For me that's ok. I have issues with authority figures and yeah I know a sponsor isn't supposed to be an authority figure.
The steps are way too Christian based for me to accept them as they are. Nothing wrong with that but it's just not a good fit for me. The concepts in the steps are great. Giving up the illusion of control, letting go of the past and learning to accept yourself. Good stuff and I work it in a way that works for me.
My old meeting used to start every meeting with reading from One day at a Time.
To me that says it all. Al-anon is my refuge, my sanctuary. I will take want I want and leave the rest. There is nothing that says you must have a sponsor or do the steps although it is recommended.
Only you know what is right for you and your recovery. Do what is best for you.
((((hugs)))
Your friend,
The steps are way too Christian based for me to accept them as they are. Nothing wrong with that but it's just not a good fit for me. The concepts in the steps are great. Giving up the illusion of control, letting go of the past and learning to accept yourself. Good stuff and I work it in a way that works for me.
My old meeting used to start every meeting with reading from One day at a Time.
One Day At A Time – December 18
Thoughts to take to an Al-Anon meeting:
I will make sure that what I say will be helpful to someone, and not merely use the meeting as an audience for my troubles.
I will listen to everything that is said so I will have some constructive ideas to take home with me and use.
I will not yield to my compulsion to go on talking after I have made my point – and what I say will have a direct relevance to the subject of the meeting.
If someone asks for advice, I will give it only in terms of Al-Anon principles, and not suggest action to be taken.
Today’s Reminder
The Al-Anon meeting is essentially group therapy from which each person should derive maximum benefit. If I have a personal problem to discuss, I will talk about it to my sponsor before or after the meeting, or by telephone between meetings.
“I will not waste a single minute of that one hour of the week when we can be together to share experience, strength, and hope.”
From One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, p. 353. Copyright 2002, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
Thoughts to take to an Al-Anon meeting:
I will make sure that what I say will be helpful to someone, and not merely use the meeting as an audience for my troubles.
I will listen to everything that is said so I will have some constructive ideas to take home with me and use.
I will not yield to my compulsion to go on talking after I have made my point – and what I say will have a direct relevance to the subject of the meeting.
If someone asks for advice, I will give it only in terms of Al-Anon principles, and not suggest action to be taken.
Today’s Reminder
The Al-Anon meeting is essentially group therapy from which each person should derive maximum benefit. If I have a personal problem to discuss, I will talk about it to my sponsor before or after the meeting, or by telephone between meetings.
“I will not waste a single minute of that one hour of the week when we can be together to share experience, strength, and hope.”
From One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, p. 353. Copyright 2002, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
Only you know what is right for you and your recovery. Do what is best for you.
((((hugs)))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I had to come back to this because... to be honest, there probably are points in recovery where we need a... not so gentle kick in the rear to get moving...
But only you can determine if you're fighting taking the next step or simply not able to work the way she wants you to.
But only you can determine if you're fighting taking the next step or simply not able to work the way she wants you to.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
My sponsor always reminds me that it's MY program to work at my pace. I had some circumstances that were overwhelming and she actually told me not to work on my step work for a while, to just concentrate on developing and strengthening my relationship with my higher power. So not all sponsors are like yours. I love what lillamy said above: only you know if you're not wanting to work the steps right now or you have the desire but simply aren't able to complete the assignments.
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