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Old 06-23-2014, 11:43 PM
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Dark Place

I feel like I am sliding backwards in my recovery. I was doing well, doing all the right things and I just hit a wall all of a sudden. No big occurences...usual quacking but no more than usual. Does this ever happen to you guys?

I was having healthy habits and then all of a sudden for the past few days, I have just wanted to stay in the house and have been just thinking about all that has transpired throughout separation with AH. I got all worked up in ny mind and completely started focusing on separated AH and romanticizing his relationship with enabling gf he cheated on me with...It just appears as if he gets to "live it up" while I am in a constant state of struggle. I dont like ti use the word, and just told my 6 yr old daughter I dont like her to say it...but I hate him.

I dont understand when I have done so much work and come so far, while the past few days feel like Day 1 of separation all over again when it has been 2 years! I need help friends...why am I feeling so down when I have overcome ao much??
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Old 06-24-2014, 12:27 AM
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For me personally grief comes in waves. You can feel fine, even strong, for long enough that you get a little careless. Then bam! A big wave comes and knocks you down.
The good thing about a wave is that it won't last.
It's important to remember that nothing is ever as it appears to be with an alcoholic. If she is enabling him, she is in denial. I know that you remember what he is like when he is drinking. If he cheated on you, odds are he is cheating on her. I don't think alcoholics are happy when they are drinking. Not really. I think they are trying too hard to numb all their other feelings to really be happy. It's like they spend all their energy trying to avoid really living. How could that make anyone happy?
I think you're doing amazing. Yeah, it's a struggle but you haven't given up. That takes a lot of strength. Feeling down doesn't negate any of the amazing work you have done for yourself. It's just a feeling. I would like to very gently suggest you get out of the house, refocus on your heathy habits, and please stop beating yourself up. When you start to romanticize his relationship with anybody, remember all of the things he couldn't do for his relationship with you because of alcohol. If he couldn't do those things for you, there is no way he is doing them for her.
I can't speak for anyone else, but this happens to me too.
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Old 06-24-2014, 12:46 AM
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Wow, did you hit what I've been feeling for the last few days right on the head. I was looking back over my old posts a few days ago and in some of them I have such a grip on stuff - but its like I have forgotting all about it in the last few months. I am really struggling right now. I think its what Melody Beattie called recycling.....?
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Old 06-24-2014, 01:43 AM
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Me too!

I'm also separated from AH. I thought I was doing all the right things and getting stronger. Reading self help books, going to the gym, getting a bit more of a social life, booking a holiday with a friend etc etc.

Then, out of curiosity I stupidly looked at AH fb page and saw that he was on holiday with agf. I fell apart yet again, thinking if only I let him drink vodka this wouldn't have happened. Then reminding myself that I couldn't have this with my children in the house. Its such an emotional roller coaster....we split up this time last year and I thought I would be so over him! So I'm back here and its good to know that we are not alone in this.
Thank you Davenport for the reminder that grief comes in waves..I'd forgotten that one. I've just bought Melody Beatties 'Language of Letting Go' todays meditation is all about detaching from unhealthy people and how it really works. Going to try that today....
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Old 06-24-2014, 04:03 AM
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You are not alone in your dark place.

I am sitting right beside you.

3 years ago when I ended our relationship, I never thought I would be walking this path again. I made the decision to be done, and I meant it.

I pretty much avoided the world for a year. (which I do not recommend), I could function throughout the day, but at night when I went to bed, my thoughts and emotions really got the best of me. Countless nights of crying myself to sleep, until one day there simply were no more tears to cry.

I got a bit too cocky in my recovery and healing. I would read someone else's post
(who was struggling) and I just could not find the empathy, or compassion. In my head I would be thinking, " well you dummy, you asked for it." LOOK at who you are with.

Another member pointed out to me that they are our drug of choice, and while I wasn't instantly able to embrace that concept, with additional thought, I do believe that to be the case. We know they are not good for us, we know that nothing good is going to come of it, yet we refuse to surrender.



It's easier to live life when the choices are actually yours. In your situation, he made the choice, and you're stuck living in the consequence of someone else's choice, and that is never an easy pill to swallow.
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Old 06-24-2014, 05:20 AM
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Thinking about your post more third, i have come to the conclusion (for myself) I do not want a crazy alcoholic in my life.

but what I do want is the last word........

I want to look him in the eye and be able to say, go f***k yourself you POS. You are not a man, you have zero self control, and did I mention u are a POS
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Old 06-24-2014, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
Thinking about your post more third, i have come to the conclusion (for myself) I do not want a crazy alcoholic in my life.

but what I do want is the last word........

I want to look him in the eye and be able to say, go f***k yourself you POS. You are not a man, you have zero self control, and did I mention u are a POS
Exactly how I feel...
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Old 06-24-2014, 07:11 AM
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I have also realized during many counseling sessions, this may be a time of year in your life, when something major happened..like martina12 says, this time last year is when they broke up. Well when bad things happen or major think upheavals, for several years after that, you will feel down or upset in someway during that time of year. Even if you don't consciously think about it. Like the death of my mom, or when my ex went to prison, or etc. Any major change that hurt especially, comes up. Hugs.
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Old 06-24-2014, 08:00 AM
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Oh davenport, thank you SO much for the reminder about how this stuff comes in waves & that we can't always know when, why & how big that wave will be but it's normal & natural & it will pass. I needed to hear that this week even if my situation is very different.

iamthird.... the obstacles you have overcome to get this far have been huge, you are so much more capable & competent than you are realizing right now. After spending so much time & energy fighting off "bad" stuff in your life, have you brought in anything "good" & "new"?

Maybe a new hobby, new creative endeavor, new activity for you & DD to do together will help you to step out of this funk? (((((many hugs!!!))))
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Old 06-24-2014, 07:01 PM
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I am trying to be patient and just get through the morning, then the afternoon, then the evening. Im hugging my baby girl a lot and finding solace in her. I will try and find something fun to us to embark on thats inexpensive, to focus on...and I am sure one day eventually the pain will go away.
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Old 06-24-2014, 07:11 PM
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I want to look him in the eye and be able to say, go f***k yourself you POS. You are not a man, you have zero self control, and did I mention u are a POS

the freedom comes the day when you simply couldn't be paid enough to say one more word to him. when it just no longer matters. done. over. see ya!

we only have so much energy, so much brain space, time and attention....why on earth would we waste a single precious limited amount of moments on THEM for a nanosecond? when we have sunrises and flower blooms and waterfalls and world cup and taco night and soft jammies and a good loofah scrub and a perfectly cooked ribeye and superbowls and sunday naps and the very next breath.
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Old 06-24-2014, 09:17 PM
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I have struggled a little lately too. I think its bc i have alot of other issues going on and when i get thay way i backslide a little. I recognize it for what it is, pray, post here, and then move forward. Tomorrow is a new day, its my choice to wake up half full...or half empty.
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Old 06-24-2014, 09:25 PM
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Iamthird, I understand where you are, and I am in a similar place. On the 4th of July it will be two years since I ran away from my then abusive alcoholic husband. It is triggering memories, especially of the horrible abuse before I left, and that sends me back into old cycles of feelings.

I have been reading Susan Anderson's book Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it is timely and very helpful, insightful. You might like it too.

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Old 06-25-2014, 05:22 AM
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Originally Posted by iamthird View Post
I am trying to be patient and just get through the morning, then the afternoon, then the evening. Im hugging my baby girl a lot and finding solace in her. I will try and find something fun to us to embark on thats inexpensive, to focus on...and I am sure one day eventually the pain will go away.
I understand completely. (((Hugs)))

So here are a few of our ideas to get to you started.... DD & I are the Queens of finding inexpensive fun The Dollar Tree is my go-to for simple stuff:

Sidewalk chalk - we make our own murals on our sidewalks & driveway

Dance Party - we just crank music & dance around the living room... I dare anyone to NOT laugh & smile while cavorting hilariously around their own living room making up their own patented dance moves 20 mins gets our endorphins up!

Happy Jars - DD & I recycled old glass spaghetti sauce jars & glued beads, shells, etc to personalize our own & then every time something awesome or sweet or slightly wonderful happens we record the memory on a slip of paper, fold it& stuff it into our respective jars. On a bad day, I randomly pull out a "Happy Memory" to offset my crappy feeling.

Nature Walks - we take a garbage bag, some disposable gloves & clean the streets around our home of litter as we walk. It gives us a great chance to talk about the environment & keeping it clean, which DD is very into.

Our Dollar Tree has a variety of great craft items - painting, etc. (so do Michaels, AC Moore, etc.) At this time of year I start working with DD on any Christmas gifts she wants to make because she has way more time for crafts in the summer than she does in the fall after school starts & it keeps her busy on my work at home days.

I get big boxes at our wholesale clubs when I shop & DD decorates them with her markers into racecars, airplanes, whatever.

Hopscotch - get out that sidewalk chalk again

Bubbles - Frisbee - Hula Hoops..... all good for at least a short, energetic burst.

Library - not only do we enjoy trolling for new books & movies, our local branch offers a lot of different free activities for kids of all ages.

Over the summer our local theaters do $1 movies in the mornings on Tues & Wed at 10am. I know that's not realistic if you work full time, but thought I'd throw it out there because sometimes we luck out & have an odd day off.

Sign up for Groupon alerts for your area - I've gotten super discounts for local activities for this summer - mini-golf, nature parks, etc.

Check into parks & zoos in your area to see how affordable their annual passes are if it's something DD is interested in. DD is an huge animal lover, so she never gets tired of visiting zoos. Every year I switch up where we get a membership & then we abuse the heck out of it, visiting until she's seen & done everything. She also meets a lot of other kids this way because they often offer their own activities. Our local nature center does stuff like Full Moon Hikes with S'mores, etc so it's introduced us to a lot of activities I wouldn't have known about otherwise.

Baking - DD loves learning kitchen skills so I keep a small stock of cookie & brownie mixes from the Dollar Tree. At $1 per pkg their sizes are also *just enough* of a batch so that she gets the full experience without having to make a ton each time. I've found all great name-brand mixes there.... Duncan Hines, Marie Callendars, etc. She's getting older now & enjoys doing more "from scratch" recipes.

Cooking - even if DD can't do every bit of prep to make a meal, she loves learning about the process & I love having fun teaching her life skills like this that will stay with her forever. She likes helping to meal plan too which is great in terms of teaching her how to balance foods/nutrition in the meal.

Garage sale-ing - we have SO MUCH FUN bargain hunting at garage sales, fleamarkets, Goodwills, consignment shops, thrift stores.
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Old 06-25-2014, 11:05 AM
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FireSprite, what a great post and what great ideas!

iamthird, I have to always remind myself that LIFE IS NOT LINEAR. I always expect any improvement to continue forever, progressing at that same rate, and if things have started to go bad for any reason, I also expect that to continue forever, progressing at that same rate.

Don't know where that expectation came from, but it has been with me as long as I can remember. And it is wrong--I finally know that! I sure do have to keep reminding myself, though...

Hang in, and remember: Just b/c you feel bad now doesn't mean you'll never feel good again. And just b/c you feel good now doesn't mean you'll never feel bad again. Funny how that all balances out, isn't it?
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Old 06-25-2014, 10:08 PM
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Firespite, too bad youre in FL we could get our girls together. DD would love all those things and we have done many! Dollar Tree is definitely one of her favorite places! Thank you for that...helps me lighten up a little and realize what I do have. Maybe God didnt give me the best husband because I have such a fantastic daughter.

I hate to admit that I was crying in front of DD6 and usually I try to hide it in the shower or after she goes to sleep...I was crying and she said "Its my dad huh? Well shame on that boy for not treating you right! Your husband should make you smile not cry!"...Funny, she is already much smarter than I am! Duh Mom! Lol!!!
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Old 06-26-2014, 07:09 AM
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I agree - the girls would have a BLAST! Your DD sounds very wise, sometimes we learn a lot when we listen to them, eh? I am always humbled when I hear DD speak such simple truths like that.

In my very darkest moments it is always the light around DD that helps me get back on track. Regardless of any & all issues belonging to me or RAH, she is a precious little person with this whole BIG FUTURE ahead of her. Sometimes even if I feel like she's the only good thing in my life I also can't help but acknowledge that she is more valuable than the sum of everything else put together anyway.... makes everything else seem small in comparison, ya know?

And that helps me to put my oxygen mask back on so that I can get back to showing her a strong, healthy example of a woman.

You are going to be just fine IA3, I truly believe in you.
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Old 06-26-2014, 07:33 AM
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Those little kids are amazing. FS, I too love your ideas, especially the Happy Jars! Totally going to do that with my girls!

Iamthird....praying for you. Happiness is in your future. It is great that your sweet little is so in tune to what things are.

I hope you have a happy and peaceful day today! Many hugs!
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Old 06-29-2014, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
You are not alone in your dark place.


Another member pointed out to me that they are our drug of choice, and while I wasn't instantly able to embrace that concept, with additional thought, I do believe that to be the case. We know they are not good for us, we know that nothing good is going to come of it, yet we refuse to surrender.
.
Wow ....whoever said this may have uncovered the majority of my issue with why I can't kick my ABF to the curb. I am doing what any addict would do - embrace what little good there is while believing in promises and putting up with the bad just to get a drop of the love he might toss my way.....or something like that.
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Old 06-30-2014, 11:33 AM
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Firesprite, thanks for the great ideas. I am always looking for fun inexpensive things to do when dear grandsons come to visit. third, I have been where you are and still have my days where I want to run over to see xabf and bask in his alcoholic presence for a while. I usually wish I would have stayed home and enjoyed taco night or a good book but I do understand. Hugs!
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