dandylion

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE
1-800-799-SAFE

YOU CAN CALL THIS NUMBER AND TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE AFRAID THAT HE MIGHT KILL YOU AND YOUR KIDS. You can talk to them and share all your fears with them. They are very understanding and know how to help you and protect you and keep you safe.
He will never know that you have talked to them.

It is not very likely that he would lose his job over this--he is trying to scare you! I don't know of anybody who has lost their job over this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

dandylion

pixilation

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! Please, PLEASE stop blaming yourself. Please stay no contact. Talk to the hotline, talk to your advocate, just TALK to someone other than your scumbag soon to be ex.

Have the advocate find you the book "why does he do that". what you are going thru is covered in this book, you'll be able to see everything with new eyes.

I wish often that I had called the police on my ex, but I never did. the last time he physically attacked me, i actually thought he was going to kill me. he was holding his arm against my throat, cutting off my airway. He didn't physically attack me often(greatly enjoyed screaming at me for hours whenever he felt I had offended him in some way however) but over the years he got worse and worse. Started with just being punched in the face, and ended with the previously mentioned attack. He was an almost textbook case of an abusive husband.

To this day, and probably always, I can't hear a man yell, even if it's not at me, and not freeze and go into lock down mode. The ramifications to my mental health hasn't been good. I am TONS better than when I first moved out, but I still have times where the stress and anxiety of it all just gets to me.

Seren

I'm sorry you have been through so much, searching, and that court was such a traumatic experience. I know the grief and sorrow and fear are swirling all around right now. It was very brave of you to go to court, and for that alone, you should be proud.

I hope you will change your mind about dropping all the charges and the protective order, but you are an adult of free will. You have the right to do what you feel is best. I encourage you to contact the Domestic Violence hotline. The counselors that staff that line are very experienced, caring, thoughtful people who can best guide you about your options for your safety and that of your children.

What others have been telling you, and what I am telling you now, too, is that none of the things that are happening to your husband are your fault. Not one shred.

Do you remember?
He was arrested because he is a violent man. Not because of anything you did.

He is the one who has placed himself and his job in jeopardy--even though it sounds like his employer has bent over backwards to help him.

He has abused you for 7 years.

You deserve protection and peace.

It is, after all, what you are searching for.

Sending you gentle hugs and prayers for strength and clarity.

Taking5

I do not know how or if you can reverse an order of protection. The criminal charges, the DA can and will charge him anyway if there is sufficient evidence,

Please re-read Seren's post.

This likely will ruin his life, but it is all self destruction - he did these things. There is a price to be paid, please do all you can to make sure he pays it.

Rosiepetal

Try not to be too hard on yourself & just do what's best for you & your children.
Good luck in court, I know that's not easy.

Rosiepetal

Sorry, try NOT to be too hard on yourself.

NYCDoglvr

A big hug, and no judgement. For me it was two steps forward, one step back. What made the difference was the support and love I found in Alanon meetings. Good luck, let us know what happens.

POAndrea

Searchingpeace--are you ok? I have been thinking and worrying about you for a couple days now, especially since we've not had any posts from you. And I bet I'm not the only one, so pretty please, drop in and let us know how you are.

searching peace

I don't know where to begin. I have court tomorrow for the criminal charges against AH. I fell back into his manipulations. I started believing his lines and lies. He almost had me convinced that he had changed. What makes it all the worse is he apologized for everything and was specific in all he said. And then tonight he told me he had discussed our marriage and me and our separation with his exwife. I feel so betrayed. There is a long history of his always putting we and her needs and wants ahead of mine. I won't go into all of the details but he knew how I would react and he knew I would view this as the ultimate betrayal and hurt. And he just told me as if it were the most normal thing for him to turn to her. And he didn't care that it hurt me. And when I got upset he let me have it saying we were threw and he would put the house on the market immediately and my kids and I would be out on the street. I would never treat him this way. I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me and wants only me and then do the one thing he knows will hurt me the most. I hate all of this and I hate that i love him and care about him. I want him to just go away and leave me alone. He kept calling me back tonight. I was just crying and begging him not to call me again. I even sent a text saying if he called or texted me again I would call the police and enforce the PFA. But he called anyway. He is pushing me over the edge emotionally. Does he get pleasure from hurting me. What is he trying to do? He has dragged me through the mud and has always turned to his exwife who is remarried, and talks to her about me. How do I get over this man? How do I forget him and all he has done to me. Why would I care about anyone that has betrayed me and our marriage and the sacred bond that only a husband and wife are supposed to share?

amy55

They do this because they can. It's like manipulation is the only way that he knows to do, to get what he wants.

It's all about control.

I never wanted to believe that. I guess to this day I still don't want to believe that, and I am divorced now for almost 4 years.

Also don't ever believe that his ex is agreeing with him. I would say that is a bunch of made of bs. He probably treated her the same way.

They may first try the niceness, if that doesn't work, they go for the jugular, they remember all the things that hurt us the most, and they go for that, of course they are going to use that they talked to others and that others agreed with them, so that we feel like the fool.

Many ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and good luck in court. I will be there with you in spirit. You aren't alone.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

PS ----- If you need support tomorrow, post here, we are all with you. I'll be looking out for updates.

Stay strong, you are stronger then you think, and if you need to lean on someone till you can stand by yourself, we are here for you. This stuff is never easy, and I needed a lot of support so that I could stand tall and feel my own strength.

Also remember that all of your feelings are normal, you are feeling perhaps betrayed. Many of us know that feeling.

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Searching.

Like Amy wrote, it's about control. If you're (we're) off-balance, it's easier for him to keep control. It's possible that it's not even an conscious thing for him. And, don't believe that everything with his ex-wife is grand. He may have been different with her, but only to the extent that whatever steps he had to take to feel like he held the power in the relationship were different.

Looking back at life with AXH, and after counseling and healing some, I can see the patterns that AXH used to keep me with him. He, like other abusers, is incredibly good at figuring out what strings to pull to manipulate his partner (whether it was me or his next GF). It includes knowing not only what he needed to do to make me happy, to get me to 'forgive' his behavior, but also what would hurt me. If I was off-balance, it was harder for me to see that I should have stood firm *here* or easier for him to convince me that what had happened was my fault.

With AXH, he didn't have any past relationships that made me feel apprehensive or that I felt I'd be overshadowed by. He hadn't dated much before we started seeing each other. However, I had, and he knew that. That is what he threw in my face over and over, so I was repeatedly, constantly, trying to prove to him that I loved him, that I was with him because I loved him, and that I wouldn't just leave him for no reason, or for some one else with a better job, a better car....

And that isn't the card he'd played with the GF he moved in with after I left him.

I'll be sitting with you in spirit through the hearing.
Wishing you continued strength.
Michelle

Praying

I hear strength in those words. He ALMOST convinced you. How many times did he ACTUALLY convince you? I know for me it was way too many...and when I caught myself...saying ALMOST...I was angry that I almost fell back in. But then I had to remember, it's a step forward to stop myself.

Doesn't change the horrible way it feels. It is completely crazy making. For me, I finally had to realize I was projecting my values on him, expecting him to behave in my rational world. In my world, love and marriage precludes that behavior and it puzzled me. I tried to understand, minimize, deny, and otherwise cram his behavior into some form of reasonableness. I still can't wrap my head around it and I've been gone well over a year. It's so confusing.

Abuse isn't like that. As Amy said, whether consciously or not, they seek to control. He is doing what he "needs" to do to control. That's why often they get meaner (then nice, then mean) as they grasp for control while they still have a chance.

I'm so, so sorry you have to do this, but we are here with you! Stay true to you. In my experience, if he's confusing the heck out of you, you're on the right track.

Sending you hugs and support today.

searching peace

[QUOTE="Praying;4751586"] For me, I finally had to realize I was projecting my values on him, expecting him to behave in my rational world. In my world, love and marriage precludes that behavior and it puzzled me. I tried to understand, minimize, deny, and otherwise cram his behavior into some form of reasonableness.

Wow that is exactly what I try to do! I try to project my values and morals on to him and so not understand when his behavior is something I would never do and never even think to do! Thank you! Finally someone gets me. Ugh! It is like I just want AH to "get me" to understand why I am upset or why I think XY or Z is wrong.

amy55

I tried every way that I could to try to get my ex to understand that I wasn't trying to hurt him, and that I just wanted him to listen, and whether he agreed with me or not, but just to listen to me and my feelings. He couldn't do that !!!!!

I did have the "privilege ?" of hearing his thoughts.

Things I could never understand.

He told me that if I was upset or sad that just made him mad and that he needed to attack me because I was attacking him by telling him he was a monster.

He told me that if I disagreed with him, that's what started the war, and when you are at war you can do or say anything you want to the enemy, and when you make up, you have sex.

He told me that he knows the definition of the word empathy, but he never understood it.

These were just off the top of my head, there are more, I would just have to think a little.

There isn't a way to explain things sometimes, when you are speaking to someone who is in a different galaxy, and they are only hearing words from you, so that they can "hold them against you" at a future time.

barliegirl

Please don't give up! Your AH will NOT take care of your children! He is a master manipulator and you seem so worn and tired. Get a good group of supporters behind you and move on. Trust me, he only wants you to drop the charges for his benefit, not yours or the children. Oh! PLEASE! Do NOT let him beat you down like this and take your life away from you. There are so many people here who care about you and want to support you!

hopeful4

Gentle hugs my friend. I think you know the right things to do deep down. Just here supporting you. Keep us updated so we know you are safe.

XXX

Santa

Your husband sounds like a horrible man.

Good luck to you and your children. You deserve so much better.

P.S. Your kids will NOT be fine without you.

redatlanta

Your husband doesn't love anyone, ok? Nobody. Doesn't have the capacity to. What he does is use people you, her, friends, anyone. When he doesn't get his way then he uses force and intimidation.

Betwixt the threats, physical force then flip flop to nice husband who says the right things he is just looking for what is going to work - what will get him his way. He is playing you - I hope you get that. I doubt his work even knows anything about this and even if they did doubtful it would cost him his job (but he sure wants you to think that).

SP you are still trying to project logical thinking on your husband. You often say "I would not do that"! "why does he do that'? "If he loved me…..he wouldn't do these things"!. Your husband has one priority - HIM. Not you, not the kids, not anybody else. If a car were headed toward you both and he had a choice to take the hit and save you he would push you in front of the car and save himself. That's what he is trying to do right now…….

The courts are used to dealing with abusers and their antics. Not sure you can drop the charges - you aren't the first wife/spouse/partner that was intimidated by their abuser. Let the Court do their job and maybe, think about taking the advice that has been given to you by many of stopping communication with your husband.

Lots of Hugs and prayers for you its been a tough road. Hope you will consider talking to a DV counselor I think it will really help you.

dandylion

redatlanta---is court today? I think you said that? If so, I m thinking about you---as are a lot of people, here at SR!!! And, we will be very anxious to know how things went and are going for you.

You are as valuable as any other person on this planet. You are one of God's creatures and deserve to be treated as such. You children are so precious-- they depend on you and nobody can replace you to them. You are their world.

We care about your welfare and we will have your back. Please have faith that you will get through this---many of us have walked in your same shoes---that is why we are willing to walk with you!

I hope you will let us know how you are.

dandylion

Santa

This is incredibly scary. If you were to drop the charges, that would give him more freedom to stalk and harass you. (I am sure you know, YOU are not doing anything to him. It was HIS choice to harm you, period.)

As for your kids, if your husband kills you he will go to prison and your kids will go into foster care. You need all the help you can find right now to get away from him safely. Use every means available to you. Even if you've stopped caring about yourself: for your kids.

Oh and as for his talk about his ex and their great relationship, that is surely a lie. Otherwise they wouldn't be divorced. She probably went through a similar experience to what you are now. Again good luck to you. Do NOT do what he says you must do. Listen to your advocate - and if you can, get your own attorney.