Alcoholic Father
 

My father's a drunk. I have recently decided that I have to stop trying to make him quit and start fixing what he hurt deep inside me... Then tonight I find this site and tears just come to my eyes! My mother talked about us going to a support group before she died but we never went. I am so thankful to find a place where everyone has this type of background, where people understand. I am interested in finding someone with an alcohlic father that wouldn't mind helping me get started...

Hey Scrubbs...
Welcome to the recovery forum!

My dad was an alcoholic, but he was the nice kind. He was a good provider and affectionate (when he was around). He destroyed his health using alcohol, but not our family. I only wish he'd been around more and didn't have to leave so soon.

Going to meetings is a good idea. You can't make your dad quit drinking, and mmetings are a place where you can learn to focus on being happy in spite of that.

Keep posting!
Smoke

Hi Scrubbs!

Welcome to the "right place"! I think you'll find you're amongst friends here who KNOW what you're going through.

My dad too was an alcoholic. He wasn't the violent type, but he was the drunk type. One thing I've learned is it doesn't really matter what other defects of character go along with the alcoholic's drinking, it still effects every member of the family in a deeply intimate way.

You've made a great step forward by deciding to stop trying to "fix" your dad and work on you instead. I agree with Smoke: meetings are a great idea and I highly recommend them. I just started going a few months ago myself. There is so much wisdom and healing in those meetings. Here's the link to the Al-Anon groups in the Tulsa area: http://www.tulsa.org/alanon/

If you don't like the first meeting you go to, try another in another location until you find one that fits you.

Peace & Prayers

Heels

[This message has been edited by HellOn2Heels (edited February 25, 2002).]

Welcome Scrubbs, this is a good place to start. Talking about it really does start the healing process. Finding a good Alanon group would be a good step also. Hearing there stories helps to know that you are not alone.
Keep posting here, we're all here to listen.

Smoke, I have a question for you. Well more like I'd like to hear more about you Dad. You see my boyfriend is an actively drinking alcoholic. For the most part is fine. What I mean by that is that he has a very responsible position at work. He hardly ever misses work, maybe a day here and there. He works hard for his family. He totally adores our daughter, and is good to my daughters from my first marriage. He spends good quality time with our 5 yr old, reading, playing games, teaching her chess (which he's very good at), watching her favorite cartoons, on the computer with her. Just good quality time all around. He never hits her. We displine by time outs, some scoldings and stuff like that. He mostly just talks with her and that does the trick. They have such a good relationship, but poeple look at me as if I'm crazy when I tell them that, just because he's an alcoholic.
His disfunctional alcoholic behaviors mostly affect me. I don't mean that he's violent in any way, because he's not by any means. I think I just mean that his issues from his growing up and two failed marraiges, and my issues from childhood and one failed marriage tend to clash and we have arguments. Not alot, like most couples I imagine. But there are times that wish he didn't drink for obvious reasons, that he does get kind of difficult to "handle", and that might not be the best word for it but I don't know what else to call it, after he's been drinking all night. But for the most part we're ok. Others always have to give there opinion, which usually involves them telling me that I'm crazy for saying with him. I say why, life's not perfect and people are not perfect. He doesn't ever hurt me or our daughter, (outside of hurting my feelings once in while because he's so blunt with comments), but I don't seem to have any different relational problems that other couples have in their relationships. And our daughter doesn't seem to have any unhealthy emotional scaring going on. I just wish others would stop telling me I should move on instead of trying to work out differences/issues. I admire his being responsible and loving enough to stay and raise his daughter when he could have just walked. I could have taken care of her on my own, I'm not affraid to do that at all. But it's nice to have a family unit.

well that's all, lol. thanks for listening.

Pony

Hey Pony...
When I was growing up... the guy's in the two houses across the street beat their wives. You could hear it. The guy next door was a crooked businessman. Down the street was a wimpy henpecked guy. Around the corner a dirty slob. I wouldn't have traded my dad for any other dad I knew. He wasn't perfect, but he was the best I ever saw. Alcohol took his time from me and made me afraid for his health and safety sometimes, but what family doesn't have it's little ups and downs? If your husband is good in other ways and you are coping, well... it's all up to you isn't it? Nobody should be telling you where your compromises should be.

Love,
Smoke

Scrubbs,

I am also in the Tulsa, OK area, and I am starting Al-Anon meetings again this week. I went to Al-Anon for 3 years, then had to stop and get sober and concentrate on AA. Well, I got married last year and all my old character flaws are coming back to haunt me. I will be going to a meeting on Wednesday evening at 7:30 PM, at the United Methodist Church on 15th & Memorial. They have babysitting if you need it. There is another good meeting tomorrow(Tuesday) night at 7:30 PM, at Mt Zion Baptist church downtown. It's on Elgin, right by UCAT. I go to the AA side on Tuesdays, but the Al-Anon side is really good too. I am Indian and my name is Mavis, if you want to come and meet me at either of those meetings. My father is a drinker, but was very loving and a good provider. My ex-husband died from the disease at age 33. My current(and final!) husband is a recovering alcoholic. Alcoholics are sick, and are self-centered people, and I go to Al-Anon to help me with self-esteem, and not taking their actions personally. Please come join me if you can!

HellOn2Heels,

I have also seen you recently on the Al-Anon part of the AARecovery site. It's good to see you here too.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Love,
Happy

Thanks Smoke for saying that. Yes for the most part I do cope just fine. It only through the Alanon groups and this board that have learned to do so. He is a pretty good guy and I do feel a special bond with him. But make no mistake if he ever became violent with me or our little girl I would be outa here so fast. And I do tell others they can have their opinions but they are not to express the in front of my daughter, not the negative ones anyway.

It's good to come here and vent to others that understand.

Thnks again Pony

Hey Happy....

Yup, I was on the other recovery board for a short time. I started having problems with the log-in and then I noticed the boards there weren't very active for a long period of time. I'm not sure if that was my log-in problem or if the board was just having a lull.

I may have to go check it out again.

Heels

Hello Pony, Your husband sounds very much like mine, and we have been together for 31 years and have raised three children together. We love each other very much but I have been so near to leaving many times when I thought I couldn't stand it any more. It's the feeling of lonliness that gets you I think, your partner is dazed by the drink and absent physically and mentally. Never mind what others say, if on the whole you two are happy together and other aspects make up for the drinking, then do what your heart says. It takes a lot of strength and love, patience and determination, sometimes you just feel numbed and burnt out, but the next day or so is always sunnier isn't it? God bless your little family. Patience.

Scrubbs....My Dad is an alcoholic as well and the funny thing about it is that I didn't get it. In hind site I think my mother must have been one award winning enabler! But when my own life burst into flames I started looking backward and ...mmmmm....you think there might be a connection??
My brother was an out of control partier,(he was killed in a car accident with a 12 pack and a bag of pot in the car a the age of 21). My first husband was a drunk/liar/cheat and my second and final husband is more than likely an alcoholic (very functional). It took my son crossing over to get my attention. It is hard for me to believe that denial goes any deeper than mine was. I was under the impression (this seems hysterical to me now) that my whole family was wacko and I was normal! Alcoholism is truely a family disease and, Scrubbs, do what you can to take care of yourself NOW. Or it will sneak up behind you somewhere in your life!
And to you Kid......when you are considering staying or leaving, consider this...you take yourself with you. All the issues that got you involved in an alcoholic relationship will simply follow you into your next relatonship and the next. In my crisis I wanted to run but that thought kept me home and after the dust settled and I was stronger I was able to stay. I detached...alot...and not always wth love (we aren't perfect). But one day after alot of work I was able to return emotionally to my marrage. Al anon is truely an amazing place! My husband still drinks too much and my son keeps kicking his bottom out to go lower.
I also identify with that loneliness when my husband is drunk and unavailable...I don't think that I have heard that in words before. That is the worst part. It's like he just checks out and the next night he never remembers what we talked about...totally annoying! I am not fond of naming an A, I think that is their job, but I am just now realizing that my husband probably is....

I have checked out other sites and so far I am loving this one! Luv, Tired

Hi scrubbs

I had two father's that drank. My step father died trying to quit drinking because he tried so many times it was to hard on his sistum. My real dad was in the program for 10 years i found out and he is back doing it again. So I have learned that I can't even help him. So I stay away because it hurts to much to watch him distroy his live like that.
So I know how you feel when it comes to our Dads.
SAngelfive

My Dad was not an alcoholic but a workaholic. He was always busy working overtime or working in the yard (away from people). This was hard because he was praised for doing so much and working so hard. But he was never there for me. My mother committed sucide when I was 10yrs. She suffered from depression but I sometimes wonder if she didn't get enough love or attention from my Dad as I surely didn't get any. I wanted to share this because there are many ways that fathers can be disconnected and distant from their children. Even today our conversations are brief, infrequent, and unsatisifing. About two weeks ago I told him when he called about my brief separation from my husband and his drinking problem etc. There was a brief pause in the conversation and then he said "so how are the kids?" It really saddened me.

Thanks to everyone... This really has helped me out. To Rose, I feel deeply for your end of the spectrum also. My husband has issues similar to yours with his father. He is learning along with me that he can't change his father or their relationship after many years of trying. This message board has been good for the whole family I guess.

I have a question for whoever would like to help me out. My father is the alcoholic. It seems he tries to make me feel guilty when i dont help him. He recently went to a homeless shelter and i feel like i should do so much more. I have helped him so much. I given him money and he has spent it on alcohol. I feel like i should do more but then again i'm tired of all the heartache he has put me through. It's all about him it seems and not me and my sister. Someone please help me out and tell me what you think.

Hello Littlelady, Welcome to SR :)
So sorry you are hurting because of this disease.
You will find people who can relate to you on the Adult Children of Alcoholics board.
When you get there click on the button that says New Thread in the upper left corner of the board and tell them your story.

Hello Little Lady, and welcome to SR. :c009:

There's a lot you can do to help your father. The first thing is to take a little time and go thru the posts right here on this forum. You'll see a lot of experiences and suggestions on how to best help an alcoholic. Start a thread of your own so that everybody can see it and you'll get a lot more folks contributing ideas. Get your phone book and call the local Al-Anon office, find the nearest Al-Anon meeting and go. They have a huge amount of books and pamphlets specifically about alcoholics and how best to help them.

Welcome again.

Mike :-)

Susane1408,
thank you, but how do i get to adult children of alcoholics?

Our forum is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...of-alcoholics/

The world service webbie is:

http://www.adultchildren.org

There's also a _lot_ of great stuff for adult children thru al-anon

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Mike :-)