Thoughts as I process through this mess....
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Thoughts as I process through this mess....
Reading through many posts from others suffering with an alcoholic husband, boyfriend or wife I see we all go through the same feelings, and stages almost exactly in the same order!
When our husband or significant other picks up either for what we think is the first time or after some time sober we seem to go into “fix it” mode. I KNOW I do! Damn, even KNOWING I should not enable, my twisted mind concocts what seems to be a “healthy” way to help when in fact I have just found a new way to enable! Aaaargh!!
After a certain amount of time spent hoping, praying, forgiving and forgiving again we realize that we need to start taking care of ourselves or we will lose our minds. So we learn to detach and take care of our needs, our hearts..... I remember thinking, “Oh my gosh! If I let go and detach and leave my husband alone he will have NO boundaries and will NEVER stop drinking!” An Al-Anon friend said to me,”Well honey, if he does, that will end up happening eventually whether you are standing there or not.” GOOD HEAVENS.....LIGHT BULB!! She is exactly right! He is either going to figure out that riding on that speeding train alone and drunk is not what he wants for his life, or he is going to choose to stay on that speeding train and leave me behind. The choice he makes will not change whether I am standing on those tracks or not.... so why in the world would I want to keep standing in it's path letting it roll over me???
So for me, after spending over a year watching the drinking get more and more out of control.... I detach. What happened in my story is HE became more and more out of control. He became more and more angry, hateful, mean. He physically grabbed me and bruised me, verbally abused me and threatened me. I spent nights locked behind my bedroom door and many LONG weekends away from the house so I would not expose myself to the abuse. A final night of abuse and threats came with me once again deciding to leave for the weekend. I just wanted to come through the weekend with a chance to openly and honestly talk with my SOBER husband about what was happening to our marriage. To let him know I am truly afraid of him! Surely THAT would make a difference to him. That time never came... he continued to drink the whole weekend and beyond.
The night before I made the choice to end the madness in my home I prayed to God asking him to let me know if I was about the do the right thing....did I have any other choice??? Please God, let there be another choice! Minutes after that prayer I received several nasty, sarcastic and hurtful text messages. Oh my gosh, he was STILL drinking 3 days later and it was definitely NOT safe for me to go home!
I cried more tears than I ever believed possible the next day! My heart was breaking for me, for him for what I was certain would be the death of our marriage. No chance to talk things through, explain, listen to each other... like two healthy people. Once alcohol entered our marriage all that I could be sure of was lies and empty promises. I had to make the choice to take care of me and salvage my life. He was hell bent on destroying his life and I was the only one that could decide to save mine. Returning to life with him meant emotional abuse and the promise of physical abuse. No part of me, physically or emotionally was safe with him. I had no other choice. I had to put an end to it. God help me, I had to put an end to it.
My greatest answered prayer would be for those of us who have loved an alcoholic that we find peace, serenity and the belief that they once again can have a full and happy life! That our significant other suffering with alcoholism will find sobriety, peace, serenity and the belief that they will once again have a full and happy life! But the only thing I can be certain of is that “I” am the only one who can choose peace and serenity for my life. If I want my life to change, it is up to me. By the grace and love of God my husband will one day find that too....but it will have to be his choice, on his own.
When our husband or significant other picks up either for what we think is the first time or after some time sober we seem to go into “fix it” mode. I KNOW I do! Damn, even KNOWING I should not enable, my twisted mind concocts what seems to be a “healthy” way to help when in fact I have just found a new way to enable! Aaaargh!!
After a certain amount of time spent hoping, praying, forgiving and forgiving again we realize that we need to start taking care of ourselves or we will lose our minds. So we learn to detach and take care of our needs, our hearts..... I remember thinking, “Oh my gosh! If I let go and detach and leave my husband alone he will have NO boundaries and will NEVER stop drinking!” An Al-Anon friend said to me,”Well honey, if he does, that will end up happening eventually whether you are standing there or not.” GOOD HEAVENS.....LIGHT BULB!! She is exactly right! He is either going to figure out that riding on that speeding train alone and drunk is not what he wants for his life, or he is going to choose to stay on that speeding train and leave me behind. The choice he makes will not change whether I am standing on those tracks or not.... so why in the world would I want to keep standing in it's path letting it roll over me???
So for me, after spending over a year watching the drinking get more and more out of control.... I detach. What happened in my story is HE became more and more out of control. He became more and more angry, hateful, mean. He physically grabbed me and bruised me, verbally abused me and threatened me. I spent nights locked behind my bedroom door and many LONG weekends away from the house so I would not expose myself to the abuse. A final night of abuse and threats came with me once again deciding to leave for the weekend. I just wanted to come through the weekend with a chance to openly and honestly talk with my SOBER husband about what was happening to our marriage. To let him know I am truly afraid of him! Surely THAT would make a difference to him. That time never came... he continued to drink the whole weekend and beyond.
The night before I made the choice to end the madness in my home I prayed to God asking him to let me know if I was about the do the right thing....did I have any other choice??? Please God, let there be another choice! Minutes after that prayer I received several nasty, sarcastic and hurtful text messages. Oh my gosh, he was STILL drinking 3 days later and it was definitely NOT safe for me to go home!
I cried more tears than I ever believed possible the next day! My heart was breaking for me, for him for what I was certain would be the death of our marriage. No chance to talk things through, explain, listen to each other... like two healthy people. Once alcohol entered our marriage all that I could be sure of was lies and empty promises. I had to make the choice to take care of me and salvage my life. He was hell bent on destroying his life and I was the only one that could decide to save mine. Returning to life with him meant emotional abuse and the promise of physical abuse. No part of me, physically or emotionally was safe with him. I had no other choice. I had to put an end to it. God help me, I had to put an end to it.
My greatest answered prayer would be for those of us who have loved an alcoholic that we find peace, serenity and the belief that they once again can have a full and happy life! That our significant other suffering with alcoholism will find sobriety, peace, serenity and the belief that they will once again have a full and happy life! But the only thing I can be certain of is that “I” am the only one who can choose peace and serenity for my life. If I want my life to change, it is up to me. By the grace and love of God my husband will one day find that too....but it will have to be his choice, on his own.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Great post, the process seems to consist of the family/friend spending so much time trying to firstly help/change/fix the alcoholic, which can't be done until the alcoholic themselves decides they want to change, and the family/friend concentrating so much time on the alcoholic that they neglect their own emotional needs, until the penny drops or perspective changes on both these issues, the process can sadly continue for much time, even years/decades.
Addiction looks out for itself, no one else, but addiction doesn't have to dictate the life of the non addict!!
Addiction looks out for itself, no one else, but addiction doesn't have to dictate the life of the non addict!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear PattiCakes---I am happy that you have found you way out of the forest...and I wish peace and joy for you in your future.
For those of us who cannot divorce and sever the bonds with out A's because they are genetic family...ours is such a different journey.
dandylion
For those of us who cannot divorce and sever the bonds with out A's because they are genetic family...ours is such a different journey.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Dear Dandylion.... I can't tell you how many times I have thought about how differently this story would go if it was my child, my sister, brother, father or mother! The detachment with love would still have to happen, but complete detachment would just not be as easy for sure! NOT that anything about this has been easy.... excruciatingly painful to say the least.
My heart especially breaks for those who have to watch their child fall into the grip of alcoholism. This egregious disease bull dozes relationships in it's path. I hate it.
My heart especially breaks for those who have to watch their child fall into the grip of alcoholism. This egregious disease bull dozes relationships in it's path. I hate it.
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