Addiction and Infidelity
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Addiction and Infidelity
Went to an outing with some old friends tonight.
I knew one of my friends has been struggling with her marriage. Her husband has some addictive behaviors and she recently uncovered a multiple year affair. She said tonight, "I pray all the time, and I can't tell if staying or going is the stronger thing to do."
Another dear friend JUST found out her hubby (fights a gambling addiction) also has been cheating and they are on the rocks.
7 couples from 15 years ago. 4 are now broken or struggling due to hubby's infidelity and addictions. I just sat there and thought...all those dreams. So many people willing to just let them go. So many confused, HURT spouses and sad, angry children.
Anyway, it just made me sad. And I was surprised at the rage I felt on behalf of my girlfriends, having been there myself. I had been very close with their hubbies too, but I can't even look at them right now. They watched my story and followed the same darn path not long after consoling me. They saw what it did to me and "couldn't believe my X would behave that way, it was horrendous". ?!?!?
No purpose for this post, other than to share my prayers with anyone else struggling with infidelity tonight. I'm so so sorry for anyone dealing with this deep betrayal. This is something I will never understand. You're in my thoughts!
I knew one of my friends has been struggling with her marriage. Her husband has some addictive behaviors and she recently uncovered a multiple year affair. She said tonight, "I pray all the time, and I can't tell if staying or going is the stronger thing to do."
Another dear friend JUST found out her hubby (fights a gambling addiction) also has been cheating and they are on the rocks.
7 couples from 15 years ago. 4 are now broken or struggling due to hubby's infidelity and addictions. I just sat there and thought...all those dreams. So many people willing to just let them go. So many confused, HURT spouses and sad, angry children.
Anyway, it just made me sad. And I was surprised at the rage I felt on behalf of my girlfriends, having been there myself. I had been very close with their hubbies too, but I can't even look at them right now. They watched my story and followed the same darn path not long after consoling me. They saw what it did to me and "couldn't believe my X would behave that way, it was horrendous". ?!?!?
No purpose for this post, other than to share my prayers with anyone else struggling with infidelity tonight. I'm so so sorry for anyone dealing with this deep betrayal. This is something I will never understand. You're in my thoughts!
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Well, praying....according to the national average for first marriages---it would have been just a hair under 3.5 couples...so 4 is not that far off. And, there were addictions involved.
No trying to be a wiseas*....because there is so much human pain in all that....but, that is what popped up in my head.
dandylion
No trying to be a wiseas*....because there is so much human pain in all that....but, that is what popped up in my head.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Ha ha, good point, mine too. I guess I'm still naive and think lots of marriages end "just" because people grow apart...
And let's not forget, all this stuff happens to OTHER PEOPLE, not people who I love/trust and continue to project my values onto. (Big fat lol here)
It just surprises me how little we know the people we know. It shouldn't anymore.
And let's not forget, all this stuff happens to OTHER PEOPLE, not people who I love/trust and continue to project my values onto. (Big fat lol here)
It just surprises me how little we know the people we know. It shouldn't anymore.
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You know... that's one thing I noticed in this whole mess of admitting (to myself and the world) that I was married to an alcoholic... leaving him... etc...
... when you start opening up to your friends about how truly sucky your life is... you find that all those folks around you who have the perfect husbands and perfect children and perfect lives? Yeah... no. If it isn't addiction and cheating, it's World of Warcraft for 72 hours straight and kids with eating disorders and stealing from the company.
It was a real eye-opener to me how people's lives are so much more complicated and screwed up than we see in our everyday lives. I'm not saying there aren't normal, happy, calm people -- but it surprised me how many of my friends were struggling and keeping up a facade because they didn't want to be *those people* (you know, the horrid kind that has problems...)
Quite a few of my friends have husbands who have cheated on them. One is married to a guy who came out to her as gay but won't divorce her until his millionaire father dies because his father would cut him out of his will if he knew his son was gay. More than one is in denial about her husband's alcoholism. More than one is in denial about her own alcoholism.
I think what I'm saying is -- there's so much pain. And somehow I've just recently come to terms with the fact that pain is part of life. That "happily ever after" isn't the gold watch you get as a reward for being GOOD and doing everything right.
You can do everything "right" and things can still get messed up. By addiction, cancer, other people's actions, the economy. And when that happens, we're pretty lucky people (as I am, as you were, as your friends are) if we have friends who can hold our hand through the dark times.
... when you start opening up to your friends about how truly sucky your life is... you find that all those folks around you who have the perfect husbands and perfect children and perfect lives? Yeah... no. If it isn't addiction and cheating, it's World of Warcraft for 72 hours straight and kids with eating disorders and stealing from the company.
It was a real eye-opener to me how people's lives are so much more complicated and screwed up than we see in our everyday lives. I'm not saying there aren't normal, happy, calm people -- but it surprised me how many of my friends were struggling and keeping up a facade because they didn't want to be *those people* (you know, the horrid kind that has problems...)
Quite a few of my friends have husbands who have cheated on them. One is married to a guy who came out to her as gay but won't divorce her until his millionaire father dies because his father would cut him out of his will if he knew his son was gay. More than one is in denial about her husband's alcoholism. More than one is in denial about her own alcoholism.
I think what I'm saying is -- there's so much pain. And somehow I've just recently come to terms with the fact that pain is part of life. That "happily ever after" isn't the gold watch you get as a reward for being GOOD and doing everything right.
You can do everything "right" and things can still get messed up. By addiction, cancer, other people's actions, the economy. And when that happens, we're pretty lucky people (as I am, as you were, as your friends are) if we have friends who can hold our hand through the dark times.
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I hesitate to say this, but its made me not even believe in the concept of marriage. I.know very very few happily married couples. I believe its a sign of the times, people wanting their needs all fulfilled RIGHT NOW, and the fact that women now work full jobs but are still expected to fulfill all the traditional wife and mother roles, and work. I dont know about everyone else, but the last thing on my mind after collapsing into bed at midnight after a day of work, night of running kids, dinner, bed, bath, homework, PTA, the list goes on; was sex. I know its a driving reason for infedility (lack of sex), and then men (not all, but many) want sex and to be catored to like a child. This breeds resentments.
I dont know the answer as im in the ranks of the divorced, but these things seem to come up over and over in my circke of friends. We are materialistic people who have echeduled ourselves to death with no traditional roles remaining. It makes me want to run away and live in a commune off the grid LOL.
I dont know the answer as im in the ranks of the divorced, but these things seem to come up over and over in my circke of friends. We are materialistic people who have echeduled ourselves to death with no traditional roles remaining. It makes me want to run away and live in a commune off the grid LOL.
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It is common for addicts (and it seems, in my experience, particularly male addicts) to switch from "upper" types of addictions (such as coke, heroin, Adderall) to sex or similar risk-taking behaviors. Both stimulate the same pleasure center in the brain.
I think that is what's going on with my XAH; he claims he kicked crack (again) 2 years ago but he can't even keep his hands of his new GF when the kids are over at his place. He takes her into the bedroom and they "watch a movie" in bed with the door closed while the kids sit in the living room whiling away their time on their computers. Blech.
I think that is what's going on with my XAH; he claims he kicked crack (again) 2 years ago but he can't even keep his hands of his new GF when the kids are over at his place. He takes her into the bedroom and they "watch a movie" in bed with the door closed while the kids sit in the living room whiling away their time on their computers. Blech.
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Hopeful, I do think you're right in that we're asking an awful lot of ourselves and each other these days. But I think getting away from what "society" (or the media or whoever) tries to foist upon us as expectations, and finding our own way of building a marriage is possible, if you marry another person who is willing to say "eh, screw it!" to keeping up with the Joneses and trying to do everything.
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I agree, it just seems few and far between these days. We are under huge pressures as a society, much more so than before. So many are not able to cope with these type of temptations and pressures.
Originally Posted by lillamy 
Hopeful, I do think you're right in that we're asking an awful lot of ourselves and each other these days. But I think getting away from what "society" (or the media or whoever) tries to foist upon us as expectations, and finding our own way of building a marriage is possible, if you marry another person who is willing to say "eh, screw it!" to keeping up with the Joneses and trying to do everything.
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