I did it - I retained the lawyer and I just told him
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I did it - I retained the lawyer and I just told him
I saw the lawyer yesterday. It was so surreal. She was so friendly and tried to chit chat and act normal and I was in a daze. I felt sick. But I explained as best as I could in a short paragraph that bottom line, I won't raise my kids like this even though he was begging berating pleading and begging.
He seemed to be acting "normal" the past 2 days but then he quacked a few times last night and I thought WHY do I keep thinking he is a reasonable person??? I fall for it every time.
I explained to him this morning (since I knew he had to leave 30 minutes later for work, this would give us most of the day apart) that we could come up with our own agreement, file and be done. That we would split the debt equally and after that we would take what was left after selling the house, split that and start over. I'm not going to play tit for tat on who spent the most on what debt. It's ours. I'm not going there, but I could.
Then I dropped the bomb on him. Child support. I knew this was going to be a hot button. I told him the state of PA told me this (huge number) I initially told him I wouldn't ask for anything (I was in panic mode, scared, needing to diffuse him and make him stop), but that I had chosen a number in the middle (500/2 kids). That is when he started quacking.
We don't have 2 dollars to rub together, but he's looking at properties he said and can't afford that. I said, Oh you are buying another property? (I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at him). I said, well while you pay for your new mortgage you will have to factor in 500/month for your two kids. (no way can he afford another property. He makes 38 a year, hello).
Then he said - he doesn't even know how much he will see the kids since he is probably going to live in some shotty apartment that he wouldn't want the kids to even see.
When I said I thought he was looking into other properties and now you are in a shotty apartment and then I said it seems he is saying his child support would get in the way of his "new mortgage" - he said don't put words in my mouth (??)
He asked if I had a great time having my lawyer figure out how to screw him, I said - No, I was informed of what the PA Laws are for this matter, it has nothing to do with personal feelings. The law is the law.
I informed him of things I was NOT taking into consideration (my mother pays for daycare for one child, if I put that in the equation that would make his support higher)
He then asked if I was threatening him and why doesn't my mother just take it over completely? I said because while it is so nice that my mom is helping they are our children and the ultimate goal is for us to support them, not her.
He said he was going to have to get his own lawyer since he is getting screwed. I said that's fine but that is more money that will be owed.
He also said at least when you are dating, yours will paid for (meaning he will have to treat his future dates). Why is this something to even be thought about right now?!?!?! I said dating is the last thing on my mind, my #1 priority right now is my kids.
He said well I will do what I can but I don't know about 500/month. I said - No, that is what it will be (super calm).
He said that basically pays for half of your rent probably (MY rent as if it improves MY life - NOT HIS KIDS?!?!)
I mean I get it, it's not going to be easy for him. ugh.
Then he went on his quacking about how I have a nice family and they will be throwing me money left and right for kohls and shopping and this and that (all of the same money that was thrown at him for 7 years along with his own big gifts for his birthday and other holidays) and what is he going to do?
Yes, the above is true but I will do whatever it take to make it as far as I can without asking anything from my parents. I pray to God I have at least 5K or a bit more after the sale of the house and bills are paid, and I can start over on my own but I'm really sorry I have a nice family and you kicked yours to the curb. But this is a factor he considers?!?!?!
Then he left for work. I have no idea what tonight will be like when he gets home.
I did it. I am drafting our agreement before Monday and emailing to the lawyer.
I'm on autopilot. But I'm shaken to the core and raw. I know what i am doing but I have no idea what I am doing - does that make sense?
He seemed to be acting "normal" the past 2 days but then he quacked a few times last night and I thought WHY do I keep thinking he is a reasonable person??? I fall for it every time.
I explained to him this morning (since I knew he had to leave 30 minutes later for work, this would give us most of the day apart) that we could come up with our own agreement, file and be done. That we would split the debt equally and after that we would take what was left after selling the house, split that and start over. I'm not going to play tit for tat on who spent the most on what debt. It's ours. I'm not going there, but I could.
Then I dropped the bomb on him. Child support. I knew this was going to be a hot button. I told him the state of PA told me this (huge number) I initially told him I wouldn't ask for anything (I was in panic mode, scared, needing to diffuse him and make him stop), but that I had chosen a number in the middle (500/2 kids). That is when he started quacking.
We don't have 2 dollars to rub together, but he's looking at properties he said and can't afford that. I said, Oh you are buying another property? (I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at him). I said, well while you pay for your new mortgage you will have to factor in 500/month for your two kids. (no way can he afford another property. He makes 38 a year, hello).
Then he said - he doesn't even know how much he will see the kids since he is probably going to live in some shotty apartment that he wouldn't want the kids to even see.
When I said I thought he was looking into other properties and now you are in a shotty apartment and then I said it seems he is saying his child support would get in the way of his "new mortgage" - he said don't put words in my mouth (??)
He asked if I had a great time having my lawyer figure out how to screw him, I said - No, I was informed of what the PA Laws are for this matter, it has nothing to do with personal feelings. The law is the law.
I informed him of things I was NOT taking into consideration (my mother pays for daycare for one child, if I put that in the equation that would make his support higher)
He then asked if I was threatening him and why doesn't my mother just take it over completely? I said because while it is so nice that my mom is helping they are our children and the ultimate goal is for us to support them, not her.
He said he was going to have to get his own lawyer since he is getting screwed. I said that's fine but that is more money that will be owed.
He also said at least when you are dating, yours will paid for (meaning he will have to treat his future dates). Why is this something to even be thought about right now?!?!?! I said dating is the last thing on my mind, my #1 priority right now is my kids.
He said well I will do what I can but I don't know about 500/month. I said - No, that is what it will be (super calm).
He said that basically pays for half of your rent probably (MY rent as if it improves MY life - NOT HIS KIDS?!?!)
I mean I get it, it's not going to be easy for him. ugh.
Then he went on his quacking about how I have a nice family and they will be throwing me money left and right for kohls and shopping and this and that (all of the same money that was thrown at him for 7 years along with his own big gifts for his birthday and other holidays) and what is he going to do?
Yes, the above is true but I will do whatever it take to make it as far as I can without asking anything from my parents. I pray to God I have at least 5K or a bit more after the sale of the house and bills are paid, and I can start over on my own but I'm really sorry I have a nice family and you kicked yours to the curb. But this is a factor he considers?!?!?!
Then he left for work. I have no idea what tonight will be like when he gets home.
I did it. I am drafting our agreement before Monday and emailing to the lawyer.
I'm on autopilot. But I'm shaken to the core and raw. I know what i am doing but I have no idea what I am doing - does that make sense?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Re child support, you might not have a choice about that. I wasn't going to ask my ex for it either- seemed like more trouble than it was worth. But since the kids are on Medicaid and I didn't list child support as a source of income the state made me file for child support recovery. If I hadn't the kids would have lost their insurance.
May I gently suggest that you stop talking to him, stop trying to appease him, make him understand, soothe him. You haven't been able to do it for all the years you tried during your marriage, you're not going to be able to do it while you're divorcing him. He is responsible for himself, his emotions, his reactions. You're going to make yourself crazy trying to cushion him from reality.
Hugs.
May I gently suggest that you stop talking to him, stop trying to appease him, make him understand, soothe him. You haven't been able to do it for all the years you tried during your marriage, you're not going to be able to do it while you're divorcing him. He is responsible for himself, his emotions, his reactions. You're going to make yourself crazy trying to cushion him from reality.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
lady what do you mean I might not have a choice? Are you saying he might be able to not pay child support?- I'm confused. But you are so right, I have not ever been able to appease him make him understand all these years, of course it is not going to happen now. Especially now. you are right.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Congratulations on making it through and sticking to your guns! And I'm glad you wrote this post so you can read it later and know he really said those things. I'm sure it was SO hard in person, but some part of you had to be hearing his nonsense as he tried to bounce you all over the place. That's validation. Not that you need it, but it helps. I can only imagine the shaky drained hopped up way you felt afterwards. Just another step. Be proud.
One thought- take or leave it- is to draft it up two ways- one with the formula the state would arrive at, and one with your 500. The purpose being to show him what you could choose to ask for legitimately. If he does get a lawyer no doubt the lawyer would tell him 500 is a steal. I would be very clear that this is what I'm ENTITLED to (including the cost of child care etc.), and this is what I'm considering settling for, no less. His choice. It might help reset his righteous brain (or not).
Kind of like telling a toddler to choose between Cheerios and eggs for breakfast...you don't get to choose from the universe, these are the choices I'm providing. He may tantrum, but if the choices don't change, he'll eventually begrudgingly eat.
No more need for face to face discussions unless you HAVE to. The bullying, manipulating, guilt and all is likely to kick up several notches. This is "game day" and he is likely to play very hard. Please stay safe!
Hugs and prayers to you! You've got this!
One thought- take or leave it- is to draft it up two ways- one with the formula the state would arrive at, and one with your 500. The purpose being to show him what you could choose to ask for legitimately. If he does get a lawyer no doubt the lawyer would tell him 500 is a steal. I would be very clear that this is what I'm ENTITLED to (including the cost of child care etc.), and this is what I'm considering settling for, no less. His choice. It might help reset his righteous brain (or not).
Kind of like telling a toddler to choose between Cheerios and eggs for breakfast...you don't get to choose from the universe, these are the choices I'm providing. He may tantrum, but if the choices don't change, he'll eventually begrudgingly eat.
No more need for face to face discussions unless you HAVE to. The bullying, manipulating, guilt and all is likely to kick up several notches. This is "game day" and he is likely to play very hard. Please stay safe!
Hugs and prayers to you! You've got this!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by meggem 
lady what do you mean I might not have a choice? Are you saying he might be able to not pay child support?- I'm confused. But you are so right, I have not ever been able to appease him make him understand all these years, of course it is not going to happen now. Especially now. you are right.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
You might not have the option of NOT going after child support. That's what I meant. I wasn't going to bother, tons of paperwork for very little payoff, but the state stepped in and sent me the documents with a letter that said if I didn't file for child support my kid's health insurance could be cancelled.
That is true. Many states (maybe all, I don't know) have their own rules about child support and how to calculate it. It was true in New York over 15 years ago when I was in that situation.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
thanks so much you guys. I have been on and off this board for a few years and the last time I was really active was when he went to rehab this past October and every time I come on here regardless of what "place" I was in (and I have gone through all the stages) you have all been so wonderful to me. Praying-- that is a good idea, showing him what I am entitled to and what I am willing to settle for. I guess it is time to stop trying to negotiate and to just keep moving forward. I have been thinking this afternoon, he is now so concerned about not being able to support himself but these last 7 years he could barely support his own FAMILY and didn't seem to care, now suddenly he cares. His active addiction and distorted thinking is largely responsible for where we are now financially (and I am responsible for going along for the ride all this time)
This house was/is way more than we could afford, his big F150 Truck was way more than he could afford (he bought it when we were dating) He would never consider trying to find a better job or selling this house and downsizing. If it wasn't for my income (which is not astronomical but considerably more than his) and my parents, we would be in a ditch somewhere. So he didn't care enough about his family, now it seems he sure cares about himself and only himself now.
It is as if he has been hiding behind me and everything I have. Hiding behind my family, my friends, sucking the life out of me. Thinking I was always going to be here holding up the fort. During his begging phase he told me he would get a second job to pay for ME to go to counseling so I could come to terms with the past. I definitely need counseling but it sure as heck isn't to reconcile with him. thank you all so much.
This house was/is way more than we could afford, his big F150 Truck was way more than he could afford (he bought it when we were dating) He would never consider trying to find a better job or selling this house and downsizing. If it wasn't for my income (which is not astronomical but considerably more than his) and my parents, we would be in a ditch somewhere. So he didn't care enough about his family, now it seems he sure cares about himself and only himself now.
It is as if he has been hiding behind me and everything I have. Hiding behind my family, my friends, sucking the life out of me. Thinking I was always going to be here holding up the fort. During his begging phase he told me he would get a second job to pay for ME to go to counseling so I could come to terms with the past. I definitely need counseling but it sure as heck isn't to reconcile with him. thank you all so much.
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The State will definitely demand he pay child support for his children. However, the attorneys can come to an agreement on the amount, at least that's how it is or was in Texas when I went through it. I agreed to allow him to pay about $50 less a month than the State wanted and allowed him to pay it in two payments a month.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Wow, we have twin lives. My x complained he would not have anything bc he is paying $500, 2 kids. He also resents help i receive from my family. Its really too bad. I told him we could agree or i would get my attorney to go for all i could. He knew i meant it and agreed. He tried hardball in the beginning, i stopped that really quickly. My days of being manipulated are over.
Good for you, stay strong!!!
Good for you, stay strong!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 17
I wouldn't even be talking to him directly about this. Let your lawyer and his lawyer do the talking. Get some space between you two and let your lawyer handle it. If you talk to him, he is just going to guilt trip you and give every excuse in the book for not paying you what you and your children deserve. When guys have to pay child support, they say women just spend it on clothes and frivolous expenses. The truth is you NEED every penny for your kids. Let him worry about how he is going to pay it. If he is irresponsible and a bad decision maker, why would you be trying to negotiate directly with him?
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