3 weeks away from ABF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
3 weeks away from ABF
This ended up way longer than I intended, I apologize in advance.
Almost 3 weeks ago I took our 2 year old son and left my ABF. I have been with him almost 4 years. He started his descent into what I consider straight up alcoholism almost 3 years ago. I remember the days when we would drink together and have great times, now I don't even drink anymore because watching him get drunk night after night was just plain disgusting. I call alcohol 'family ruiner' because to me that is precisely what it is. I always told him I would leave him if he continued, as we could barely pay our bills and were threatened with eviction at least every second month because a large amount of the money went to booze.
3 weeks ago I went to see my dr. about my nearly crippling anxiety, I could barely catch my breath most days. I have had the same dr. for years and is one of the only people in my life that I can be completely honest with, as I have a lot of trust issues and I trust her completely. I've told her previously about ABF tendency to drink every night, including the one night a week I work in the evening, even though I would ask him every week to please not drink at all when he is alone with our 2 year old. She told me that as a dr. it is her responsibility to report any situation that may endanger a child to children's aid. I asked her to please hold off as I wanted to tell ABF this warning first. She said while she had her reservations about it, I had an appointment the following week, and so we would revisit it then, I even agreed to call them myself if he did it again. So when I got home that day I had to run some errands and asked ABF to just not drink until I got home as I would only be out a few hours, he agreed. I came back about 4 hours later (it was like 5 pm) and he was drunk, although of course as always he tried to hide it by not using his 'drinking cup' like I'm really that dumb. I waited till I put my son down for bed, went back to him and told him that I would be leaving with our son tomorrow. I told him about children's aid and my dr. , he got pissed that I told her anything, called me every name in the book and went to bed. The next morning he broke down said he needed help and that he was drinking all the time, even in the mornings and on his lunch break. I offered to take him to the hospital and he agreed. He texted me later (I couldn't stay, there was no one to watch my son) and said they wanted him to go to detox, he wasn't sure if he would go, and I told him ultimately it's his decision but I agreed with the dr's. I heard nothing until 6 that night and it was him telling me he did not go to detox and he's home now. I decided at that point, I was not coming back.
Fast forward to 2days ago. We had talked a few times since I left and I would still bring our son to see him for the day. He called me and told me that I gave him the biggest wake up call of his life, and that he will do anything and everything to get his family back, I asked him if he's drank at all and he said not one bit cuz his family is more important. I told him if I was to come back I wanted a dry home, as alcohol just can't be a part of my life or my sons life anymore. I grew up with a drunk mom, and know that I don't ever want that for my son, ever. For the first time in 3 weeks I considered the idea of trying to fix our family and making it work. We planned for Friday night for me and our son to spend the night. I was looking forward to it.
And now to last night (Friday). I brought a bunch of things over for my son and I, but realized his darn aquarium thingy was running low on battery and he will not sleep without it, so I told ABF I was just running to the store, I'd be back in 10. I felt at ease while I was out, not having to worry for the first time years, that he would be drunk alone with our son. When I returned I come in and there is a water bottle with a yellow gold liquid, I figured it was one of those mio things. I took the lid off and he grabbed the bottle away, I sniffed the cap and it was straight up rye. I was like seriously? He told me that because he had hurt his eye at work, one of his coworkers gave him some of his bottle, because he didn't feel comfortable telling the guy that he was trying to stay sober. He then said, well I figure since were just hanging out you'd be ok if I had a few drinks...... This coming from the guy who just said he would never drink again if it meant having his family back. Side story, I personally quit smoking pot about 3 and a half weeks ago, I would smoke just to quiet my head so I could sleep, and I have told him how important it was for me to quit for good. He says well I got you some pot too, cuz I thought you might want some.. It honestly made me want to face palm myself over and over. How can I even believe him that he has been sober these last 3 weeks, when of all days, he asks me if he can drink tonight?? And then trying to break my sobriety too? (which I did not give into..he asked me what he should do with the liquor, I was about to dump it but I gave it back to him and told him to decide what to do with it, and although he dumped it the look on his face told me that's not at all what he wanted to do.)
I'm not sure why I thought things would be different, maybe the reason I originally made the decision I wasn't going to go back, is because I knew it wouldn't stick. He said no to AA, as it was not 'his thing', no to rehab and no to detox, he'll do it himself, cold turkey. The only reason I really agreed to come over in the first place is because my mom (I'm currently living there) got mad at me after ABF came to their place while I was at work to talk and see our son. She says I'm selfish and that leaving him is mean and cruel and when you have a child together you make it work no matter what. That hurts because as much as I tried to explain what my everyday was like there, she just couldn't see the problem. I'm scared I'll stay with him just to make him and my mom happy. I have felt a million times better since being away, my anxiety went from being constant to only once in while, it's the best feeling and I can be so much more for myself and my son. I can finally look ahead 10-15 years from now, where before I wondered if I would even make it through the next few years, which is scary because more than anything I want and need to be there for my little boy, he is everything and I would do anything to protect that child. I don't even think I love him anymore, we literally haven't had sex since the night our son was conceived, and again he's a bit over 2, a few times alcohol made it impossible for him, but most of the time I was just disgusted by his drunk sloppiness he thought was him being sexy. I've walked away physically, now I'm not sure how to walk away without destroying him. I tried talking to a few friends tonight, but the only response I get is well you shouldn't be suprised, and that's it. It makes me feel very very alone. I hope morning comes soon so I can leave his place, this place makes me feel uncomfortable and unable to sleep. I know what I want, just not how to do it.
Thanks for the space to vent
Almost 3 weeks ago I took our 2 year old son and left my ABF. I have been with him almost 4 years. He started his descent into what I consider straight up alcoholism almost 3 years ago. I remember the days when we would drink together and have great times, now I don't even drink anymore because watching him get drunk night after night was just plain disgusting. I call alcohol 'family ruiner' because to me that is precisely what it is. I always told him I would leave him if he continued, as we could barely pay our bills and were threatened with eviction at least every second month because a large amount of the money went to booze.
3 weeks ago I went to see my dr. about my nearly crippling anxiety, I could barely catch my breath most days. I have had the same dr. for years and is one of the only people in my life that I can be completely honest with, as I have a lot of trust issues and I trust her completely. I've told her previously about ABF tendency to drink every night, including the one night a week I work in the evening, even though I would ask him every week to please not drink at all when he is alone with our 2 year old. She told me that as a dr. it is her responsibility to report any situation that may endanger a child to children's aid. I asked her to please hold off as I wanted to tell ABF this warning first. She said while she had her reservations about it, I had an appointment the following week, and so we would revisit it then, I even agreed to call them myself if he did it again. So when I got home that day I had to run some errands and asked ABF to just not drink until I got home as I would only be out a few hours, he agreed. I came back about 4 hours later (it was like 5 pm) and he was drunk, although of course as always he tried to hide it by not using his 'drinking cup' like I'm really that dumb. I waited till I put my son down for bed, went back to him and told him that I would be leaving with our son tomorrow. I told him about children's aid and my dr. , he got pissed that I told her anything, called me every name in the book and went to bed. The next morning he broke down said he needed help and that he was drinking all the time, even in the mornings and on his lunch break. I offered to take him to the hospital and he agreed. He texted me later (I couldn't stay, there was no one to watch my son) and said they wanted him to go to detox, he wasn't sure if he would go, and I told him ultimately it's his decision but I agreed with the dr's. I heard nothing until 6 that night and it was him telling me he did not go to detox and he's home now. I decided at that point, I was not coming back.
Fast forward to 2days ago. We had talked a few times since I left and I would still bring our son to see him for the day. He called me and told me that I gave him the biggest wake up call of his life, and that he will do anything and everything to get his family back, I asked him if he's drank at all and he said not one bit cuz his family is more important. I told him if I was to come back I wanted a dry home, as alcohol just can't be a part of my life or my sons life anymore. I grew up with a drunk mom, and know that I don't ever want that for my son, ever. For the first time in 3 weeks I considered the idea of trying to fix our family and making it work. We planned for Friday night for me and our son to spend the night. I was looking forward to it.
And now to last night (Friday). I brought a bunch of things over for my son and I, but realized his darn aquarium thingy was running low on battery and he will not sleep without it, so I told ABF I was just running to the store, I'd be back in 10. I felt at ease while I was out, not having to worry for the first time years, that he would be drunk alone with our son. When I returned I come in and there is a water bottle with a yellow gold liquid, I figured it was one of those mio things. I took the lid off and he grabbed the bottle away, I sniffed the cap and it was straight up rye. I was like seriously? He told me that because he had hurt his eye at work, one of his coworkers gave him some of his bottle, because he didn't feel comfortable telling the guy that he was trying to stay sober. He then said, well I figure since were just hanging out you'd be ok if I had a few drinks...... This coming from the guy who just said he would never drink again if it meant having his family back. Side story, I personally quit smoking pot about 3 and a half weeks ago, I would smoke just to quiet my head so I could sleep, and I have told him how important it was for me to quit for good. He says well I got you some pot too, cuz I thought you might want some.. It honestly made me want to face palm myself over and over. How can I even believe him that he has been sober these last 3 weeks, when of all days, he asks me if he can drink tonight?? And then trying to break my sobriety too? (which I did not give into..he asked me what he should do with the liquor, I was about to dump it but I gave it back to him and told him to decide what to do with it, and although he dumped it the look on his face told me that's not at all what he wanted to do.)
I'm not sure why I thought things would be different, maybe the reason I originally made the decision I wasn't going to go back, is because I knew it wouldn't stick. He said no to AA, as it was not 'his thing', no to rehab and no to detox, he'll do it himself, cold turkey. The only reason I really agreed to come over in the first place is because my mom (I'm currently living there) got mad at me after ABF came to their place while I was at work to talk and see our son. She says I'm selfish and that leaving him is mean and cruel and when you have a child together you make it work no matter what. That hurts because as much as I tried to explain what my everyday was like there, she just couldn't see the problem. I'm scared I'll stay with him just to make him and my mom happy. I have felt a million times better since being away, my anxiety went from being constant to only once in while, it's the best feeling and I can be so much more for myself and my son. I can finally look ahead 10-15 years from now, where before I wondered if I would even make it through the next few years, which is scary because more than anything I want and need to be there for my little boy, he is everything and I would do anything to protect that child. I don't even think I love him anymore, we literally haven't had sex since the night our son was conceived, and again he's a bit over 2, a few times alcohol made it impossible for him, but most of the time I was just disgusted by his drunk sloppiness he thought was him being sexy. I've walked away physically, now I'm not sure how to walk away without destroying him. I tried talking to a few friends tonight, but the only response I get is well you shouldn't be suprised, and that's it. It makes me feel very very alone. I hope morning comes soon so I can leave his place, this place makes me feel uncomfortable and unable to sleep. I know what I want, just not how to do it.
Thanks for the space to vent
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,681
Hi PrinMel I think this is one of those times in life you have to listen to your gut.
Your mum has good intentions but she is not living your life.
Yours and sons happiness and well bring is upmost.
I came from a family where my father was an alcoholic, my mum was torn whether to leave him but when he was sober she forgave him every time, he was kinda a nice guy, full of remorse and a lovely dad, sober. So be it, I took the road of alcohol much to the disgust of my mum.
I hope you make the right decisions and also hope your husband can get help for his addiction.
Your mum has good intentions but she is not living your life.
Yours and sons happiness and well bring is upmost.
I came from a family where my father was an alcoholic, my mum was torn whether to leave him but when he was sober she forgave him every time, he was kinda a nice guy, full of remorse and a lovely dad, sober. So be it, I took the road of alcohol much to the disgust of my mum.
I hope you make the right decisions and also hope your husband can get help for his addiction.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
It sounds like you're trying to do the right thing, and that's what matters. We don't get into these situations overnight, so getting out is hardly easy, either. Focus on the important things (yourself and your son), and just keep moving forward. Can you doctor help you find resources to help with your son while you're in transition?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
PrinMel, I agree, your ABF has no desire to stop drinking. I'm glad you're so clear in knowing what you need to do for your child and yourself.
You say you're worried about how to walk away "w/o destroying him." May I suggest that HE is the one who is destroying him, and not you? You took him to the hospital for help. He refused any help once he was there. He chose to drink on the very night you and your son were to come to stay w/him. I don't see where you were the one making the bad choices...
I've seen folks post here that when they let go of their A, they think of it as "turning him/her over to the Universe", or to his/her HP. To me, this made a huge difference. One way of thinking assumes that I am the controlling power in my A's life, which experience has shown me time and again is NOT true. The other way works on the idea that the power of the Universe, God, whatever you believe in, is what's running the show, and I simply need to get out of its way and let it work.
One way feels very much like abandoning, yes. The other feels like letting go.
This is from the stickied threads. I really liked it and hope you find some help in it, too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
You say you're worried about how to walk away "w/o destroying him." May I suggest that HE is the one who is destroying him, and not you? You took him to the hospital for help. He refused any help once he was there. He chose to drink on the very night you and your son were to come to stay w/him. I don't see where you were the one making the bad choices...
I've seen folks post here that when they let go of their A, they think of it as "turning him/her over to the Universe", or to his/her HP. To me, this made a huge difference. One way of thinking assumes that I am the controlling power in my A's life, which experience has shown me time and again is NOT true. The other way works on the idea that the power of the Universe, God, whatever you believe in, is what's running the show, and I simply need to get out of its way and let it work.
One way feels very much like abandoning, yes. The other feels like letting go.
This is from the stickied threads. I really liked it and hope you find some help in it, too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
Yeah my dr.s been so amazing and supportive, even squeezing me into see her the day I left ABF. She connected me with a counsellor and gave me some resources for housing for my son and I.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Good! Honeypig has posted some good information for you. It is so easy for us to think that we are responsible for our A's, but we're not. They're grown adults who make choices and need to live with the consequences. Unless you're forcing his mouth open and pouring the booze down his throat, you're not destroying him. Alcoholics are the do-it-yourself types.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi PrinMel, you sound like a really together person who puts first things first. I'm sorry your mother isn't on-board, but you are an adult now and as much as you can, you need to impress on her that, as much as you are grateful for her help, only you can decide what to do.
As soon as I got to the bit about your AH saying he can handle his own recovery, and would go 'cold turkey' I knew what would happen next. The bit I don't understand is why they are so bad at concealing their drinking. If he really meant what he said, wild horses wouldn't keep him away from a recovery program.
You won't be able to leave/divorce without causing him some heartache (you won't be destroying him unless he's complicit in the destruction), but he's not upset enough to stop drinking. He's an adult, responsible for his own life and recovery if that's the way he wants to go.
What to do next? Think about your accommodation, finances, the practical side of living alone, and what sort of legal help you'll need. Remember to completely quarantine your finances or you will become liable for his debt. Be prepared for him to get nasty once he knows you mean it. Document and record everything, including what he said about drinking at work.
Wishing you all the best in your brave decision.
As soon as I got to the bit about your AH saying he can handle his own recovery, and would go 'cold turkey' I knew what would happen next. The bit I don't understand is why they are so bad at concealing their drinking. If he really meant what he said, wild horses wouldn't keep him away from a recovery program.
You won't be able to leave/divorce without causing him some heartache (you won't be destroying him unless he's complicit in the destruction), but he's not upset enough to stop drinking. He's an adult, responsible for his own life and recovery if that's the way he wants to go.
What to do next? Think about your accommodation, finances, the practical side of living alone, and what sort of legal help you'll need. Remember to completely quarantine your finances or you will become liable for his debt. Be prepared for him to get nasty once he knows you mean it. Document and record everything, including what he said about drinking at work.
Wishing you all the best in your brave decision.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 19
He's been bad with money since day one, so our money has never touched, thank god! I work full time but def don't make near enough money to live on my own, but I am currently looking into subsidized housing for my son and I. I worry most about him with my son. It is not my intention to keep them apart, but I don't trust him alone with him, and I don't really want to supervise visits with him for the next god knows how long... We don't have any mutual friends and his friends actually think he's not doing anything wrong, since he lies to everyone. I'd rather not drag this through court, as right now were pretty civil towards each other.
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