I'm alone!!

Old 06-20-2014, 04:49 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I'm alone!!

I have suddenly realised I'm on my own I know that sounds strange as I have been separated from my AH for 3 months but tonight I realised I have no one to spend my nights with or go anywhere with.

This came about as I had agreed that my son could have friends over to celebrate the end of their exams and have a party and I would go out for a few hours. He asked me tonight if he could have his party next Saturday night so I agreed. It was at this point I realised I had no where to go for a few hours on a Saturday night. I don't have a lot of friends, a few close ones but not lots but here's the thing 2 of these friends are on holidays and my other friend is heavily pregnant and doesn't see past 8pm at night. I don't have a lot of family support and certainly no family member I'd want to spend 5 minutes with never mind a few hours!!

It is occasions like this that I think my H should be here at home not out drinking and thinking only of himself he is supposed to be at home with me and his kids. Actually I think this everyday I shouldn't be on my own!!

I always thought he would be here with me I believed him when he made promises and told he he was in love with me. I hate feeling so alone and pathetic.

Butterfly is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 04:58 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
Yep, but for me, those lonely moments are way better than the alternative.

I think I'm going to get a cat.
Bullfrog is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 05:18 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Being alone is different than feeling lonely. It's perfectly acceptable to feel lonely and abandoned by our loved ones. IMHO, very few, if not NONE of us can be completely alone unless we actively engage in isolating ourselves from others. After a re-read, I realized my mind is distorted about the concept of a loved one. I love some people that may love me back, but don't treat me very well - boy is that painful. I'm trying to get better at noticing the friends that are so priceless and amazing that they're family to me.

For me personally, working on myself has done wonders. LITERALLY, wonders. I look at strangers in the eye at the grocery store. I don't hesitate to say hello, how are you doing? I don't blink if I have a short convo. with a stranger. Sometimes I sit and notice - LOOK at the sheer NUMBER and VARIETY of people in this world - just in the grocery store for crying out loud. Those individuals outnumber the people that have hurt me by MILES AND MILES AND MILES. Countless people out there.

I think if we work on ourselves and open up and let the world/universe have a chance at showing us that not everyone will stomp all over our trust and feelings, we may find the world/universe (higher power/god/whatever) has a lot of love to give.

Have an open mind. Counting friends and quantifying their value almost defeats the purpose of a friend in my opinion.

My suggestion in those moments is to think of you and what you want to do. Read a book, write on this forum, call a friend (Al-Anon member if you're a part of that), etc. I'm beginning to wonder if we're never really alone. That someone, somewhere is close by, even in spirit, in voice, in writing, etc.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and frustrated (sounds like feelings of shame too?). You're not alone in those feelings. I hesitate with it too - one of my brother's once told me that I didn't have any friends - even though I know it's logically not true - I still feel a really uncomfortable pain about it. Hugs!
thotful is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 05:26 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Raider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Sweetie go to dinner and a movie. It'll be fun.
Raider is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 05:31 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
huntingtontx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I was married at 16 and after 34 years of a bad marriage, the kids grown, I got a divorce. I know where you are coming from. I spent four years getting to know myself, and I learned I liked choosing my own movie, dinner was good by myself, and I loved walking along the beach or going to the lake and walking my dog. Those were good years after I learned to be alone did not mean I was lonely. I hope you find some things you like to do by yourself. You don't need to be with someone to enjoy what you are doing.
huntingtontx is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 05:41 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
CodeJob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I love being alone. Being an introvert is one reason I have only one kid. Well that and I saw the train my H was driving....
CodeJob is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 06:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It's OK to be alone. It's totally OK. Watch a movie. Go browse a bookstore or a clothing store or something. Curl up in your room and read a book (actually, thats probably what I would do, but I only trust my teenagers as far as I can throw them!).

There's nothing wrong with you because you're alone. I think learning to be comfortable being alone is a great gift to give yourself.
lillamy is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 07:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I started going to a Saturday night Alanon meeting. If I'm feeling sociable I'll sometimes stay for fellowship after. There's an AA meeting at the same time, and they are super generous about sharing their food and cake.
I also look for at least one thing to go and do during the week. Like a date, but just me. So far I've been to a music festival, the roller derby and a couple of events for veterans. Tomorrow I'm going to an art festival. If there's nothing going on I hit the thrift stores and treat myself to some "new" clothes or just go for a nice long walk.
Learning how to be comfortable on my own has taken some practice. In the past I have tended to jump immediately from one relationship to another, with disastrous results. I am having a great time working my recovery and enjoying my newfound freedom.
It does get easier if you can let go of the "shoulds" and look for some things you can enjoy on your own. Hugs.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 07:22 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i know a lot of people in aa who are stuck in there marraiges or relationships out of fear of being alone, they couldnt cope with having to do everything on there own etc so they stick in dead end loveless relationships

i was also like that and for years in aa i was unhappy as i felt a needed someone for me to cuddle up to each night as it would be heaven

i forgot that while in bed they would snore or fart or have feet that stink to high heaven or might pinch all the bed clothes

it soon takes the shine of trying to live with someone
i guess i am happy on my own with only me and the kids as i get my own way all the time with myself : )

i wouldnt swap the peace i have in my life for all the misery a relationship could bring and i look at some people in aa who really are not happy at home yet they stay there as its better the devil they know
desypete is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 08:24 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
suncatcher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
I think it's actually better to be alone by yourself than feel alone when you are still living with an A. I felt more lonely knowing I was home and he was out drinking having fun or so I thought. But if you can use your time alone while he is out and start enjoying your own company, you will probably feel less alone. Is there a class you would like to take? I thought about taking a knitting class or cooking class. The possibilities are endless! Embark on a journey of getting to know yourself and find some interests just for you.
suncatcher is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 08:51 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 1
I don't live with my son, who is lost to drugs and a bad relationship. I'm raising his daughter and watching him die a day at a time. Tonights a really bad night for me because at the end of the week he will be homeless and that has always been my worse nightmare. Cant seem to stop the tears tonight. So angry, so depressed! I had hoped to talk to someone and don't know how to work this system. I can't talk to my husband, or my family as they are all done with him. I feel like the only person in the world that cares for him. And OMG I love him so much. His girlfreind left him with nothing to live for, or so he thinks. He has the most precious little girl but he can't see her though all of his pain and addiction. I have no words that he will listen to, no love that he can feel. I wish I knew how this worked so someone could talk to me. I just need to stop crying.
KWRANCH is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 08:58 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
suncatcher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
KW I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Are there any residential treatment centers your son could check into? Call you local job and family services and there may be some resources for him. You will find a lot of support here and others who have been where your son is now may be able to offer some advice. There is hope.
suncatcher is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 10:24 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I have suddenly realised I'm on my own I know that sounds strange as I have been separated from my AH for 3 months but tonight I realised I have no one to spend my nights with or go anywhere with. This came about as I had agreed that my son could have friends over to celebrate the end of their exams and have a party and I would go out for a few hours. He asked me tonight if he could have his party next Saturday night so I agreed. It was at this point I realised I had no where to go for a few hours on a Saturday night. I don't have a lot of friends, a few close ones but not lots but here's the thing 2 of these friends are on holidays and my other friend is heavily pregnant and doesn't see past 8pm at night. I don't have a lot of family support and certainly no family member I'd want to spend 5 minutes with never mind a few hours!! It is occasions like this that I think my H should be here at home not out drinking and thinking only of himself he is supposed to be at home with me and his kids. Actually I think this everyday I shouldn't be on my own!! I always thought he would be here with me I believed him when he made promises and told he he was in love with me. I hate feeling so alone and pathetic.









You are not pathetic. I only have a few close friends also. What's important is that you have healthy good relationships with the friends you do have. You could be in a relationship with someone and feel more alone then when your single. Ive been single for almost 4 years I was in 2 mentally draining relationships that I stayed in for a long time because I didn't want to be lonely. I could of saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I left sooner then when I did. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Take care of yourself, you really don't need to be with someone to feel happier or to feel fulfilled.
gettingbetter64 is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 10:53 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 84
Like scratcher said, the worse is being in the same room, but horribly alone. I often choose to be alone. But I look forward to being able to spend time with others thinking and talking about something other than the AH.
Wahine is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 10:57 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
How about a mani/pedi with a little retail therapy??
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 06-20-2014, 11:31 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I was never good at doing alone, and then I married a man in the Navy who is gone every few weeks for roughly 10 days at a time. Occasionally he's gone for a month or more. Over the years I've learned to appreciate being by myself (as a natural introvert, it's weird having to learn to *like* being alone!) and I've learned to take pleasure in the things I can do when he's not around. Like going to bed early just to read. Having my morning cup of tea in peace and quiet. Serving all the avocados I want with dinner because he's the only one in our family who doesn't like them. I can watch trashy tv and enjoy my guilty pleasure of dancing around the house cleaning to Britney Spears or Daft Punk (don't judge me!). Learning to like being with yourself is one of the hardest things for us codies to do, but that freedom is incredible!
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 06-21-2014, 01:06 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
As a mom to two very young kids my first reaction to your title was "she's so lucky!! I wish I had a few hours of alone time!!" I'd get a pedicure and see a movie and then I'd go for a drive and play music really loud so that I could barely hear myself singing along and I'd get my hair done and if it was a Saturday I might go see if there are any open houses in my favorite neighborhood by the beach because I love seeing the inside of staged homes and I'd pick up a few scoops of gelato and try to people watch (but not really people watch because it feels totally creepy so I'd probably end up in my cell phone doing something much less interesting than watching random people walk by), etc.

You do not need a man to make a few kid free hours feel fun or indulgent. If you'd like more suggestions of random solo activities, check out Groupon or Living Social. I know there about a zillion yoga classes, art lessons, cooking class, etc. that you can do on the cheap through those sites. Enjoy your Saturday to yourself. I'll be living vicariously through you when you report back on the fabulous adventure you had, all by yourself.
Stung is offline  
Old 06-21-2014, 01:14 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Stung, you just made me think of having kid-free time and being able to pee alone. It's the best thing in the world. Hahaha. Try to find the fun in being by yourself. There's no shame in going to dinner and a movie alone. Lots of people do it!
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 06-21-2014, 03:16 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 127
I used to think that being alone and single was the worst thing in the world before I met XABF. After a couple of years, I started to feel lonely whilst still in the relationship. Then it got to a stage of treasuring my alone time because it meant that I didn't have to deal with his drinking.
Now that I am single after nearly four years, my outlook has changed. It's pretty awesome to be single! You can do what you want when you want, without having worry about how alcohol is going to fit into your plans. The other day, I went to Burger King. Usually I would've got it to take away and sat in my car to eat it before resuming my shopping. But I decided to eat it in and guess what? It didn't feel weird at all!
If I were you, I'd book myself a table in a nice restaurant (perhaps one that you've always wanted to go to but never did?), take a book and enjoy yourself. Afterwards, take a nice long walk to your favourite place in town, grab a coffee or hot chocolate on the way and finish off reading your book. Or if it's raining, hit the movies! I missed out on seeing a lot of movies because XABF 'knew he wouldn't like it'.
You've literally got the world at your feet now. Your son is obviously happy so you should be too! Like you, I've got 3 or 4 close friends and my family as a support network. I think having a few close trustworthy friends is far better than having loads of friends who really don't care about you.
You might miss AH when you're doing things on your own but just remind yourself of what it would be like if he was there. Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep, I miss snuggling up to XABF. Then I remind myself that since March, he would hardly touch me at all - and if I tried to simply have a snuggle in bed, he was push me off saying that it was too hot for cuddles. So I stretch out and enjoy the extra space instead!
Figure something that YOU want to do and do it. There is nothing holding you back now!
Worried0810 is offline  
Old 06-21-2014, 04:44 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
huntingtontx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Originally Posted by lillamy View Post

There's nothing wrong with you because you're alone. I think learning to be comfortable being alone is a great gift to give yourself.
I love this statement and so agree with it. Being alone is a great way to get to know yourself for sure.
huntingtontx is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:12 AM.