From functioning to not - disease progression question

Old 06-20-2014, 10:48 AM
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From functioning to not - disease progression question

It is believed that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I even read an AA pamphlet that defined several of the stages of the disease. It becomes more and more difficult to keep up the denial as the disease progresses.

I have been sober for 2 years and would consider my place to "stop digging" as a stage of being highly functional (still working, no jail time, no loss of spouse...yet). My father is in his late 60s and close to retirement. A sibling is definitely drinking every day (his 3 year old once offered him a beer and me a water - how often does that need to happen that the child thinks dad prefers a beer and uncle prefers a water). This sibling is a middle school counselor and I often hear positive things about him (work ethic, charming, etc).

Both seem to be at highly functional "stages" of the disease of alcoholism (my relationship with them LEAPS out of textbooks and completely parallels stories from other Al-Anon members or loved ones of alcoholics in general)

I was wondering.

Is the progression of the disease for my father and brother inevitable?

I sat in my first AA meeting and what convinced me that I also suffer from the disease was the progressive nature of it and that other members stories completely matched mine for their earlier stages of the disease. I would be like: Yep, that's me...Yep, that's me...Yep, that's me...Wait, That's not me (because I didn't reach that point).

Can some of the member share your experiences of loved ones progression of the disease? What happens that moves it forward? Tramautic event? Or...just does it creep up slowly? or is it like "bam!" wth just happened - one day it was all social and everything and then it all spirals downward quickly. I feel guilty at hoping the disease will progress so that my family gets a clue. Or...should I just let a pipe dream like that go and turn back to working on me (turn it over to the higher power to take care of and I let go of thinking too far into the future)?

???
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Old 06-20-2014, 11:36 AM
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I'm no expert, but... I can tell you that yeah, unchecked, alcoholism does progress. How? May depend on other things.

For example: One of my childhood friends is a construction worker. The first time he showed up at work and smelled like stale beer, he was fired. Went to AA, got sober, is sober to this day. He didn't have to take that proverbial elevator very far into alcoholism hell before he was smacked with a pretty damn severe consequence. And, for whatever reason, that was enough for him to hit rock bottom and get sober.

My ex, OTOH, worked in a job where two-three martini lunches and saying "hold my calls, Lucy" to your secretary so you could take a nap in the afternoon was par for the course. So he descended much farther into hell before he started seeing severe consequences. Which also meant his addiction was much deeper, he was much more enmeshed with the alcohol, and still to this day (despite not being able to be called "functioning" in any sense of the word) hasn't found motivation to sober up.

Someone pointed out to me that "functioning alcoholics" keep it together for longer (like my ex did) -- but once things start unravel, they unravel at warp speed.

I don't know if any of that helps. It's mostly just stories. But as you know, nobody can tell an addict they're in danger and need to stop -- so I guess what I'm saying is... don't jeopardize your own recovery in a harebrained effort to stop your relatives from drinking. (I feel like I've earned the right to use the word "harebrained" for those efforts, because I myself spent 20 years putting all my energy into getting someone else to quit drinking...)
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Old 06-20-2014, 11:44 AM
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The progressive nature can come from the body adapting to dealing with it, the body adjusts to dealing with all poisons, the more it has to deal with the better it gets at it, so for the alcoholic they need to drink more and more alcohol to get the same buzz as before, the body becomes more efficient at dealing with it . . . however there is a ceiling, there is a point at which alcoholics no longer have hangovers, hangovers are created by the body creating a substance as it breaks down the alcohol, once the liver ceases to be able to break down alcohol, no hangover takes place, the alcoholic is in real trouble at this point, as liver function is seriously impaired!!

From my own story, I started having 2 pints on a night out, that was my fill and I then went home buzzed and went to sleep, fast forward 5 years I was drinking a half bottle of whiskey a night, a full bottle on weekend nights, now I never lost a job, lost my driving licence, no relationship issues, no financial issues, but it was only a matter of time!!

A full bottle of liquor a night and then going into work the next day, that is gonna cause problems eventually no matter how "functioning" you are, something had to give, thankfully I made the change to Sobriety, but the future was bleak had I continued on that path!!
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Old 06-20-2014, 11:48 AM
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I heard once on here. “A sewer line is functional but it is still full of crap”

I considered myself functional. I had a job, kids, home, car. I had no DUI, arrests or job loss.

At 42 I found myself with no relationship and the kids had grown up and moved out. I got what I always wanted to be left alone. To only worry about myself. I could do what I want, when I want and I could drink as much as I wanted when I wanted.

By 44 I was walking through the doors of AA. The kids and the relationship barely kept me afloat and when they were gone and I no longer had that responsibility, I went over the edge.

I was barely functioning. I was going to work but getting there was brutal. I would cry the entire way there. I was afraid to drive. After work I dashed right home. Other than work and a quick trip to the liquor/grocery store, I never left the house. I was working on complete isolation.

I am sure if I would have continued I would have eventually lost my job and then it would have spiraled more downhill.

My personal and emotional bottom came before the crash, some are not so lucky.
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Old 06-20-2014, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Someone pointed out to me that "functioning alcoholics" keep it together for longer (like my ex did) -- but once things start unravel, they unravel at warp speed.
Boy did I see that. 18 years of pure high functioning heaven (insert sarcasm here due to abusive manipulative projecting alcoholic behaviors still getting worse over time)...then BAM. From HFA to lost job, lost wife and kids, added drug use, and no desire to get any of it back...in the blink of an eye. Literally. The blink of an eye. I thought he'd be HF forever, as I didn't think I saw a decline, though in hindsight I was becoming more forgiving and "fixing" regarding his behaviors, and while I never focused on how much he drank, that was increasing too. (Does it really matter if it's two glasses full of gin or three or four?) Never missed work, and knew where his bread was buttered.

So perhaps they just more often one day decide--I can't keep it up any more, I'm exhausted--and drop a charade that has gotten really big.

I posted elsewhere in the last day or so that X's dad and grandpa were "successful" HFAs, meaning they never fully unraveled. But their kids were set up for some ACOA issues and heading down those same paths-- so it doesn't make it harmless.

My two cents having watched that trainwreck!
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Old 06-21-2014, 09:03 AM
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Thoftul-

About denial. I think in an addicted situation, there is more than one kind.

There is the denial of the loved ones of the addict which as the disease progress may or may not choose to take off "the bandaid of denial," around their loved one.

There is also the addict themselves. To be removal of denial starts around the time of their bottom.....and some bottoms are lower than others.

I am grateful that I came out of denial when I did (and it had little to do with the disease of addiction in my house). I am grateful you did also.
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Old 06-21-2014, 09:49 AM
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Thotful, I come from a long line of heavy drinkers. My parents have drank nightly since I can remember, however, I never considered them alcoholics. My father is/was a successful executive and my mother was his beautiful, Type A companion and champion. About 10 years ago, I started noticing that my mom would get really, really drunk at family functions. (of course, the rest of us were pretty drunk, so I felt I had no room to judge) About two years ago, I started hearing a slurry voice some mornings when I was talking to her and she actually started showing up to family functions drunk. We started finding empty bottles of wine in hidden places. Now she goes on benders at least once or twice a month. She is in her late 60s. I am in my 40s and I quit drinking almost nine months ago because I am so fearful of turning into her. She is in so much denial and my heavy drinking, enabler father continues to feed into her denial. I would say my mom probably drank less than I did when she was in her 40s, so yes, I can say without a doubt it is a progressive disease. If I did not allow my parents to drink in front of us, there is no doubt they would pick alcohol over us (their children and grandchildren). It truly is horrifying to witness first hand, but the good of it is that their problems are a major component of keeping me sober and stopping the cycle with my children.
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Old 06-21-2014, 11:36 AM
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I have wished for a long time that my X would unravel harder and faster, because it would be easier for me to prove to the courts and other people that he truly has a problem. He ended the relationship with me when our son was 14 months old, saying that being in relationships is why he drinks. Then he just kept drinking. He has all these enablers who just think he's valid in saying that he's having a mid-life crisis. Well, yeah. He's a little young for mid-life maybe at 36-37, but he sure it's having a crisis! Getting arrested while blacked out doesn't happen to functional people, IMO, but a lot of people buy his BS stories. He's been able to keep that job with the city and post pictures on fb of him taking the kid around and having fun. Pretty easy to appear like Father of the Year when you only spend 8-10 hours each week with the kid.

I think it's pretty dysfunctional for my X to be told he needs to go to treatment and prove sobriety to have unsupervised visits, but to not take the steps. It took him 8 months after I said "supervised visits only" for him to go to treatment. Meanwhile, I'm turning stuff in for the court process and he's just ignoring it. Most people on "his side" don't know this, so he still looks quite functional and he can manipulate people into thinking I'm the crazy X who's just trying to punish him. It's not my place to try to convince them otherwise either.

I know that this is not what I need to focus on though (what he's up to). I only need to know enough to know whether DS is safe or not. What other people think of me is none of my business. That is a very difficult belief for me to change, but I'm doing it. I know I'm doing the right thing for me and DS.
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