Hi ... Need Advice ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 1
Hi ... Need Advice ...
Hi There ...
My name is Connie and I'm new to this forum. I think my husband has a drinking problem and it's starting to cause us problems ... real problems.
We've been together 15 years ... before we got serious Robert smoked a lot of marijuana and a lot of speed. When we left California for Colorado 10 years ago he stopped the speed and occasionally dibbled in marijuana until a few years ago when he stopped. He had always drank but recently it's worse. It's gone from beer to Crown Royal. Started out as a few shots or a 1/4 glass (highball glass). Now it's the full highball glass and 2-3 of them a day. He works graveyards so he and his "buds" go to THE BAR after work (I hate that word BAR - which I've dubbed Bob's Alternate Residence) and he drinks and drives 30 minutes home. Or when he's off he'll drink all day ... I'm to the point of calling the police in the town he works (and goes to THE BAR) and giving them his plate number. It's causing a lot of fights between us and he says he doesn't have a drinking problem and I need to stop acting like his mother. We don't usually fight at all; so this is really botherig us. HELP!!! I need advice ... soon!!!
Connie
My name is Connie and I'm new to this forum. I think my husband has a drinking problem and it's starting to cause us problems ... real problems.
We've been together 15 years ... before we got serious Robert smoked a lot of marijuana and a lot of speed. When we left California for Colorado 10 years ago he stopped the speed and occasionally dibbled in marijuana until a few years ago when he stopped. He had always drank but recently it's worse. It's gone from beer to Crown Royal. Started out as a few shots or a 1/4 glass (highball glass). Now it's the full highball glass and 2-3 of them a day. He works graveyards so he and his "buds" go to THE BAR after work (I hate that word BAR - which I've dubbed Bob's Alternate Residence) and he drinks and drives 30 minutes home. Or when he's off he'll drink all day ... I'm to the point of calling the police in the town he works (and goes to THE BAR) and giving them his plate number. It's causing a lot of fights between us and he says he doesn't have a drinking problem and I need to stop acting like his mother. We don't usually fight at all; so this is really botherig us. HELP!!! I need advice ... soon!!!
Connie
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome Connie,
Make yourself at home.
It sounds like you have already discovered that he is going to do what he wants. Change has to come from the person who is aware of the problem.
Hugs,
JT
Make yourself at home.
It sounds like you have already discovered that he is going to do what he wants. Change has to come from the person who is aware of the problem.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Connie.
Anyone who breaks the law using alcohol has a drinking problem whether they are addicted to alcohol or not. Responsible people don't drink knowing they have to get behind the wheel of a car. That said, there's not a lot you can do except what you said. Turn him in. There's where it gets sticky because that would end his employment. He will not be able to drive to his out of town job. We in relationships with substance abusers feel damned if we do and damned if we don't a lot of the time. Still, we have a member that I haven't seen for awhile whose husband's drinking caused and auto accident that resulted in a death, not his. He went to prison and people treated her horribly. In hindsight she may have thought getting him off the road at any cost was worth it. If he's drinking enough to impair his driving you are in a sticky situation indeed. The choices are hard and I have a lot of sympathy for you.
I'm glad you found us. Look around the site and make yourself at home. We're always here.
Hugs,
Smoke
Anyone who breaks the law using alcohol has a drinking problem whether they are addicted to alcohol or not. Responsible people don't drink knowing they have to get behind the wheel of a car. That said, there's not a lot you can do except what you said. Turn him in. There's where it gets sticky because that would end his employment. He will not be able to drive to his out of town job. We in relationships with substance abusers feel damned if we do and damned if we don't a lot of the time. Still, we have a member that I haven't seen for awhile whose husband's drinking caused and auto accident that resulted in a death, not his. He went to prison and people treated her horribly. In hindsight she may have thought getting him off the road at any cost was worth it. If he's drinking enough to impair his driving you are in a sticky situation indeed. The choices are hard and I have a lot of sympathy for you.
I'm glad you found us. Look around the site and make yourself at home. We're always here.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Arizona
Posts: 29
Hi Connie,
I too am in this all too familiar situation. I can't say as I have much advice for you except keep coming to the boards and read, read, read!!!!! Sometimes reading about how everyone else is dealing with the same problems make me feel not so alone. Remember to take care of you....
I too am in this all too familiar situation. I can't say as I have much advice for you except keep coming to the boards and read, read, read!!!!! Sometimes reading about how everyone else is dealing with the same problems make me feel not so alone. Remember to take care of you....
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Spotsylvania, Va
Posts: 5
HI! I am also new to this. After several years of drunk periods/sober periods and numerous lies, my husband is actually in rehab now. It took a DUI to do it. He is a VERY well-respected doctor who just kept telling me he didn't have a problem. His family (also well-educated) told me I was controlling and to leave him alone for he was a good provider and husband/father. We have two young children who I have been trying to protect. I wanted to leave yet wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I had decided to leave the weekend of the DUI then his work informed him he would have to go to rehab in order to restore his medical license. He agreed that he would and that he WANTED to go. He now has been talking non-stop about how "liberated" and free he feels. He sounds so happy! He wants me to come for the family weekend at rehab. I do have child care issues first of all. Also, now I can't seem to get over this anger! He spilled the beans on NUMEROUS lies. He has made me feel so awful for so long that I just don't know if I WANT to work things out. I don't feel like he has the right to tell me to do anything right now. He expects me to come to rehab and work on things right now. The truth is, I am exhausted! I feel like I am on vacation right now. The kids and I are doing wonderfully! I finally don't feel like I am trapped in his world now, that someone else is tkaing care of him now. I don't want to go back. This is really long!! I need some guidance!! Thanks!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: New Castle Pa
Posts: 67
Hi Connie welcome 
I once heard this saying and I am not sure where I heard it from......Anything is a problem if it bothers or effects you or starts trouble. Weather he feels he has a problem or not if it bothers you than it is a problem.
My husband has been in and out of hospitals and rehab has always signed himself out and lied OMG everything that has come out of his mouth is a lie.
I have made family counseling apt for me and my children to learn to deal with this. He goes to AA when he wants to the longest he has gone without beer * thats all he drinks* is 10 days. He is out of work and I think scared to death of going a full 8 hours without it.
I have went through the anger, the figthing, the moving out, moving in, moving out of the bedroom and so on.... but the one thing that has helped me is coming here and reading and writing, I started reading co dependent no more A wonderful book and I go to alonon meetings as much as I can. My AH hates that I am doing that I am learning to love myself and my life, I am learning to handle the disapointments with pride. I have learned to detatch maybe not with love yet but I am learning to fight that feeling of anxiety everytime he walks out the door, or when I hear his footsteps. It has been a long road, the one thing they say is " AN alcoholic will not get help untill he is ready" " He has to WANT TO WANT TO" their first step is to admit they are powerless over the alcohol *LOL* my husband still say's I can beat this.. as he is stumbeling around.
Our first step is also to admit we are powerless over the addiction that came for me when way out of my caractor I beat the crap out of my AH. I knew then it was controling me. I have been to a few AA meetings with my husband, and my Alonon too. the thing that bothers me is all the while he is waiting to want to, or waiting to work on his first step... I will be way past mine and ready to move on.I am not so sure that I can work backwards with my feelings. I am having a hard time looking at him talking to him, sleeping in bed with him....there has not been any intamacy in over a year, and really am not interested at this point. Guess this is where the counseler will help.
SO you see Connie
You may not get the straight foward answer you may be looking for so desperatly... but you will find alot of compasion,.friendship, and a bunch of just as confused people as you are. 
WELCOME! and come back often....... Take what you want and leave the rest behind(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
I once heard this saying and I am not sure where I heard it from......Anything is a problem if it bothers or effects you or starts trouble. Weather he feels he has a problem or not if it bothers you than it is a problem.
My husband has been in and out of hospitals and rehab has always signed himself out and lied OMG everything that has come out of his mouth is a lie.
I have made family counseling apt for me and my children to learn to deal with this. He goes to AA when he wants to the longest he has gone without beer * thats all he drinks* is 10 days. He is out of work and I think scared to death of going a full 8 hours without it.
I have went through the anger, the figthing, the moving out, moving in, moving out of the bedroom and so on.... but the one thing that has helped me is coming here and reading and writing, I started reading co dependent no more A wonderful book and I go to alonon meetings as much as I can. My AH hates that I am doing that I am learning to love myself and my life, I am learning to handle the disapointments with pride. I have learned to detatch maybe not with love yet but I am learning to fight that feeling of anxiety everytime he walks out the door, or when I hear his footsteps. It has been a long road, the one thing they say is " AN alcoholic will not get help untill he is ready" " He has to WANT TO WANT TO" their first step is to admit they are powerless over the alcohol *LOL* my husband still say's I can beat this.. as he is stumbeling around.
Our first step is also to admit we are powerless over the addiction that came for me when way out of my caractor I beat the crap out of my AH. I knew then it was controling me. I have been to a few AA meetings with my husband, and my Alonon too. the thing that bothers me is all the while he is waiting to want to, or waiting to work on his first step... I will be way past mine and ready to move on.I am not so sure that I can work backwards with my feelings. I am having a hard time looking at him talking to him, sleeping in bed with him....there has not been any intamacy in over a year, and really am not interested at this point. Guess this is where the counseler will help.
SO you see Connie
You may not get the straight foward answer you may be looking for so desperatly... but you will find alot of compasion,.friendship, and a bunch of just as confused people as you are. WELCOME! and come back often....... Take what you want and leave the rest behind(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
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