Can you help me understand?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Can you help me understand?
So -ive been posting on here for a while, on and off and generally when i am confused or hurt by something that you guys will all have experienced before.
Today i am the most hurt i have ever been. AH and i rowed few days ago because he walked out of work part way through the day, then went and got **** faced. i went mad when i got in from work as i just didn't need his drunken crap. He says that's unsupportive and packed his little bag and checked into a hotel to get even more drunk. During that row he pushed me and i hit him, i know that's not right and i am beyond ashamed about that.
AH went missing for a few days then turned up at his mothers still sh!tfaced and caused a load of trouble there. Whilst he has been there he has concocted a story in which i regularly beat him, control his whole life and push him away from his kids? None of which is actually true.
The next day he calls me in a meeting at work to tell me he wants a divorce, is going to take everything he can from me, (we have no kids and its our first wedding anniversary on Saturday i have a home in my own name that i had for 8 years before we got together, all he has ever paid into the home is rent/bills - equal share - but i have equity in the house)
After he got over all this he has now moved in to a mode where he seems to be purposely antagonising me, calling me up but then wanting to just make the point of being cold and uncaring and getting off the phone quickly - even though he phoned me. He seems to want to encourage me to want him (i.e talk to him be nice and when he gets that he wants to be in control and make out as if he doesn't want to talk to me)
Then today it seems to sending me texts asking something but then if i answer he wont reply or he will say call and then wont talk to me properly.
so not only am i dealing with the upset of him going missing and hurting me by getting drunk, then him making up lies about me, then him scaring me saying that he is going to take things from me that he isnt truly entitled to, now all this. im not sure how much more i can take of this, and was wondering if anyone can shed any light on 1.what on earth they think is going on and 2. how should i handle all of this?
T
Truly hurting right now.
Today i am the most hurt i have ever been. AH and i rowed few days ago because he walked out of work part way through the day, then went and got **** faced. i went mad when i got in from work as i just didn't need his drunken crap. He says that's unsupportive and packed his little bag and checked into a hotel to get even more drunk. During that row he pushed me and i hit him, i know that's not right and i am beyond ashamed about that.
AH went missing for a few days then turned up at his mothers still sh!tfaced and caused a load of trouble there. Whilst he has been there he has concocted a story in which i regularly beat him, control his whole life and push him away from his kids? None of which is actually true.
The next day he calls me in a meeting at work to tell me he wants a divorce, is going to take everything he can from me, (we have no kids and its our first wedding anniversary on Saturday i have a home in my own name that i had for 8 years before we got together, all he has ever paid into the home is rent/bills - equal share - but i have equity in the house)
After he got over all this he has now moved in to a mode where he seems to be purposely antagonising me, calling me up but then wanting to just make the point of being cold and uncaring and getting off the phone quickly - even though he phoned me. He seems to want to encourage me to want him (i.e talk to him be nice and when he gets that he wants to be in control and make out as if he doesn't want to talk to me)
Then today it seems to sending me texts asking something but then if i answer he wont reply or he will say call and then wont talk to me properly.
so not only am i dealing with the upset of him going missing and hurting me by getting drunk, then him making up lies about me, then him scaring me saying that he is going to take things from me that he isnt truly entitled to, now all this. im not sure how much more i can take of this, and was wondering if anyone can shed any light on 1.what on earth they think is going on and 2. how should i handle all of this?
T
Truly hurting right now.
Last edited by scacra1; 06-19-2014 at 11:07 PM. Reason: bad grammer!
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I am sorry for what you are going through. It seems that your AH is trying to manipulate you and take the focus of his addiction and onto you by telling lies. I would advise that you speak to a solicitor as soon as possible regarding what he is saying so you know where you stand.
Read all you can on addiction and how people behave just to feed their addiction and get support for yourself. Are you seeing a counsellor or do you have close friends and family that can help you through this. I would also advise going no contact which I know is very hard but at the minute when he contacts you you are the one left hurt and angry protect yourself, don't answer his phone calls or text messages give yourself time and space to process how you feel about your marriage, how you want to proceed, do you really want to stay in a marriage when he behaves this way and shows so little love and respect for you and heal yourself.
Read all you can on addiction and how people behave just to feed their addiction and get support for yourself. Are you seeing a counsellor or do you have close friends and family that can help you through this. I would also advise going no contact which I know is very hard but at the minute when he contacts you you are the one left hurt and angry protect yourself, don't answer his phone calls or text messages give yourself time and space to process how you feel about your marriage, how you want to proceed, do you really want to stay in a marriage when he behaves this way and shows so little love and respect for you and heal yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
You should make an appointment with an attorney so you can find out what it is he is entitled to which I am guessing is not much. Most states only consider what was accumulated during the marriage not before. 1 year marriage is a short one. I wouldn't let his hollow drunken threats bother me much (at all).
As for why he is acting this way I would ask why are you allowing him to disrupt your life this way? He is an a$$hat, a liar, a manipulator. The easiest way for you handle this is to not take his phone calls and not participate in conversation with him. He has proven he isn't going to be nice.
As for why he is acting this way I would ask why are you allowing him to disrupt your life this way? He is an a$$hat, a liar, a manipulator. The easiest way for you handle this is to not take his phone calls and not participate in conversation with him. He has proven he isn't going to be nice.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
scacra1, I think the suggestion to get some legal advice is a very good one. I'm not knowledgeable about legal matters at all, but I think many lawyers will do an initial consultation for free. Even if you do end up paying for a consult, just knowing what the situation really is w/regards to legal matters instead of being consumed w/fear and worries is probably well worth it.
As far as why he's acting like this--well, I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference, does it? It's unacceptable, it causes you pain, it's unfair. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You are not the cause of his problems, you can't control his actions, and you can't cure his alcoholism.
Are you doing anything for yourself besides SR? Maybe some Alanon meetings? Sometimes having that face-to-face contact helps things sink in better. Wishing you strength and clarity.
As far as why he's acting like this--well, I'm not sure it makes a lot of difference, does it? It's unacceptable, it causes you pain, it's unfair. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You are not the cause of his problems, you can't control his actions, and you can't cure his alcoholism.
Are you doing anything for yourself besides SR? Maybe some Alanon meetings? Sometimes having that face-to-face contact helps things sink in better. Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thanks for the advice everyone - i guess what i am struggling with is that we usually are so happy, yes he is an alcoholic but he doesn't drink in general but then will have a major blip like this every 6 months or so - actually, this is the first time he has ever been nasty to me and i cant work out why, everything was fine before this little incident.
No i dont have anyone else to talk to, most people dont know he is an A, so i kind of have to keep it to myself which is very draining.
honeypig - i know you say does it matter why he is acting this way - well i guess that it does matter to me, its just my natural reaction of hurt wanting to understand how he can go from being such a nice person to so nasty in such a short space of time, especially with me, when i know deep down he actually loves me.
Radiant - you ask if i still want to be married to him, i dont want to go through what im going through now, i dont want a nasty divorce but then i dont know that i do still want him in some way - i dont know why that is either given everything that i have just told you that he does. i dont understand myself.
No i dont have anyone else to talk to, most people dont know he is an A, so i kind of have to keep it to myself which is very draining.
honeypig - i know you say does it matter why he is acting this way - well i guess that it does matter to me, its just my natural reaction of hurt wanting to understand how he can go from being such a nice person to so nasty in such a short space of time, especially with me, when i know deep down he actually loves me.
Radiant - you ask if i still want to be married to him, i dont want to go through what im going through now, i dont want a nasty divorce but then i dont know that i do still want him in some way - i dont know why that is either given everything that i have just told you that he does. i dont understand myself.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
I am so sorry you are going through this! I understand your feelings and thoughts and I had them all myself.
I have found that my AH's behavior is cyclical. With each round of heavy drinking his behavior has gotten worse and worse each time.
It started with some drinking, bad behavior towards me, the I am so sorry I promise I will stop and a certain number of days where it looked like we might come out of it with our marriage intact.
The next several times the drinking was heavier, the words became more harsh and the "I am sorry let's work on us" time became shorter and shorter. All this to come to a round where he became seriously verbally abusive, threatening and showed NO remorse the next several days. Cyclical with increasingly worse behavior! And then one day I learned that this is very typical alcoholic behavior.
You said... "actually, this is the first time he has ever been nasty to me and I cant work out why, everything was fine before this little incident." Honestly scacra1, I found trying to figure out "why" was a total waste of my time and energy. Normal healthy people don't do the things actively drinking alcoholics do. No rhyme, no reason....simply does not make sense. It's time for you to start taking care of "you". If you can find an Al-Anon meeting to get connected with I think it would be so helpful for you!
As you also said, "I know deep down he actually loves me.".... I know deep down my AH loves me too. But he loves his alcohol more and consistently makes the choice to put that first. I kept asking myself, "Where in the world did the man I married go?? How could he be such a Jekyll & Hyde??" Does it hurt?? Oh absolutely YES!! Cry those tears, and forge through the sadness....those are all valid feelings! For me at that point I had to stop asking why because it was getting me no where. I had to start looking at what the marriage had become, who he is right now and decide if that is what I wanted for the rest of my life. But the very first step was to start working on my sanity and health. The healthier and stronger you become the more clarity you will have.
Consider yourself hugged very tight! This is such a hard thing to go through and I pray you will find some peace in your soul and that you will find comfort here on SR. There are so many wonderful and loving people here! You are in the right place!
I have found that my AH's behavior is cyclical. With each round of heavy drinking his behavior has gotten worse and worse each time.
It started with some drinking, bad behavior towards me, the I am so sorry I promise I will stop and a certain number of days where it looked like we might come out of it with our marriage intact.
The next several times the drinking was heavier, the words became more harsh and the "I am sorry let's work on us" time became shorter and shorter. All this to come to a round where he became seriously verbally abusive, threatening and showed NO remorse the next several days. Cyclical with increasingly worse behavior! And then one day I learned that this is very typical alcoholic behavior.
You said... "actually, this is the first time he has ever been nasty to me and I cant work out why, everything was fine before this little incident." Honestly scacra1, I found trying to figure out "why" was a total waste of my time and energy. Normal healthy people don't do the things actively drinking alcoholics do. No rhyme, no reason....simply does not make sense. It's time for you to start taking care of "you". If you can find an Al-Anon meeting to get connected with I think it would be so helpful for you!
As you also said, "I know deep down he actually loves me.".... I know deep down my AH loves me too. But he loves his alcohol more and consistently makes the choice to put that first. I kept asking myself, "Where in the world did the man I married go?? How could he be such a Jekyll & Hyde??" Does it hurt?? Oh absolutely YES!! Cry those tears, and forge through the sadness....those are all valid feelings! For me at that point I had to stop asking why because it was getting me no where. I had to start looking at what the marriage had become, who he is right now and decide if that is what I wanted for the rest of my life. But the very first step was to start working on my sanity and health. The healthier and stronger you become the more clarity you will have.
Consider yourself hugged very tight! This is such a hard thing to go through and I pray you will find some peace in your soul and that you will find comfort here on SR. There are so many wonderful and loving people here! You are in the right place!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear sacra1....this is not unusual behavior for an alcoholic. I can understand that it could throw you for a loop if you don't have any understanding of alcoholism. And, let me tell you that very few people do unless they have to face it in their personal lives....like you are doing, right now!! There is a LOT to learn. And, alcoholism affects not only the alcoholic, but everyone that is closely connected to them.
I'm so glad that you came here and told us your story. It is good to have people in your corner who understand what you are going through and won't judge you.
Just for starters, I would suggest the following:
1. Read through a lot of threads on this forum...you will find a lot that will start to resonate with you. ESPECIALLY--read the "stickies" that are listed at the top of the main page of Friends and Family of Alcoholics. This will amount to a "crash course" in alcoholism....LOL!!!
2. Consult a lawyer to know where you stand legally. You need to know your rights.
3. Find an alanon meeting and go there. You will be welcomed with open arms by people who understand beyond words! This will be to give yourself emotional support and to help you understand yourself---as you pointed out--that you don't think you understand yourself....LOL....you are so smart to recognize the importance of this....
4. Keep posting here.....you will find lots of feed-back from people who really care!!
Dandylion
I'm so glad that you came here and told us your story. It is good to have people in your corner who understand what you are going through and won't judge you.
Just for starters, I would suggest the following:
1. Read through a lot of threads on this forum...you will find a lot that will start to resonate with you. ESPECIALLY--read the "stickies" that are listed at the top of the main page of Friends and Family of Alcoholics. This will amount to a "crash course" in alcoholism....LOL!!!
2. Consult a lawyer to know where you stand legally. You need to know your rights.
3. Find an alanon meeting and go there. You will be welcomed with open arms by people who understand beyond words! This will be to give yourself emotional support and to help you understand yourself---as you pointed out--that you don't think you understand yourself....LOL....you are so smart to recognize the importance of this....
4. Keep posting here.....you will find lots of feed-back from people who really care!!
Dandylion
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Sacra1 my AH wouldn't have drank every night but when he drank he binged then it would continue into the next day. He has went through periods of disappearing for days to drink causing arguments so he could drink and drinking daily. At times he was ok others he was nasty and mean. After every episode was the I'm sorry il never do it again I'm going to get help please don't leave me I love you blah blah blah and I'd forgive him and we would be ok for a while until it started again. Addiction is a progressive disease it gradually gets worse my situation resulted in my AH leaving so he could drink when he wanted he didn't like feeling he was being controlled!!
Does your husband admit to having a problem and is he will to seek help if not I'm sorry to say your situation will become worse.
Does your husband admit to having a problem and is he will to seek help if not I'm sorry to say your situation will become worse.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am very sorry that you are going through this painful time.
Alcoholism is progressive. Most likely you are seeing the truth of that. This behavior will become more and more until its what you predominantly see rather than the sweetness that used to be.
Understanding him means you really, really need to understand alcoholism. Its not personal. Its all the business of drinking. I hate it.
Alcoholism is progressive. Most likely you are seeing the truth of that. This behavior will become more and more until its what you predominantly see rather than the sweetness that used to be.
Understanding him means you really, really need to understand alcoholism. Its not personal. Its all the business of drinking. I hate it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Redatlanta...thank you for this simple reminder! You are SO right!
"Alcoholism is progressive. Most likely you are seeing the truth of that. This behavior will become more and more until its what you predominantly see rather than the sweetness that used to be."
Amazes me how mucked up my thinking can become in the middle of this nasty disease! Coming on SR and reading everyone's posts continues to bring clarity! Scacra I hope you are able to find that to be true for you also.
"Alcoholism is progressive. Most likely you are seeing the truth of that. This behavior will become more and more until its what you predominantly see rather than the sweetness that used to be."
Amazes me how mucked up my thinking can become in the middle of this nasty disease! Coming on SR and reading everyone's posts continues to bring clarity! Scacra I hope you are able to find that to be true for you also.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Hi All, the replies mean a great deal to me, they keep me sane im sure!
I do have quite an understanding of alcoholism, and for the last 12 months he has been managing well as he quit when he realised he had a problem. (well after it took several years for him to admit he has a problem)
At the minute he is arguing with me trying to say that i am controlling him, what he means is that i wont allow his drunken behaviours so at the time it was me or the drink so he decided to quit, because he wanted me. However - when his binge comes on, as you would expect, he doesn't give a crap about me or anything - and will use any excuse to get a drink.
i know how it works and that i cant reason with it - but what has thrown me is that in his worst state he would usually get drunk, disappear for a day or so then come back - realise what a fool he has been and WANT to try and get his life back on track, that happens every time, this time something is different, it been going on since Monday, he is still drunk now, i have never seen these behaviours before from him for so long or so nasty, and never has he channelled a lot of it to me, neither has he never made up lies and such, he usually doesn't deny he is the problem. This time he has totally changed. i know as they get worse it infiltrates into their personality but where has this come from? he has been sober for months and months, then BAM, this, he hasn't had the progression leading up to it just out of the blue. Thats what i am struggling with.
i was hoping it would finish soon and that would be that, but i think he may have done too much damage this time. i want my husband back, and i understand that in the long run i would lose him to this illness, but have i lost him already? i expected a build up to it, not, just like this without prior warning.
I do have quite an understanding of alcoholism, and for the last 12 months he has been managing well as he quit when he realised he had a problem. (well after it took several years for him to admit he has a problem)
At the minute he is arguing with me trying to say that i am controlling him, what he means is that i wont allow his drunken behaviours so at the time it was me or the drink so he decided to quit, because he wanted me. However - when his binge comes on, as you would expect, he doesn't give a crap about me or anything - and will use any excuse to get a drink.
i know how it works and that i cant reason with it - but what has thrown me is that in his worst state he would usually get drunk, disappear for a day or so then come back - realise what a fool he has been and WANT to try and get his life back on track, that happens every time, this time something is different, it been going on since Monday, he is still drunk now, i have never seen these behaviours before from him for so long or so nasty, and never has he channelled a lot of it to me, neither has he never made up lies and such, he usually doesn't deny he is the problem. This time he has totally changed. i know as they get worse it infiltrates into their personality but where has this come from? he has been sober for months and months, then BAM, this, he hasn't had the progression leading up to it just out of the blue. Thats what i am struggling with.
i was hoping it would finish soon and that would be that, but i think he may have done too much damage this time. i want my husband back, and i understand that in the long run i would lose him to this illness, but have i lost him already? i expected a build up to it, not, just like this without prior warning.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I second what the others have said about al-anon and seeing a lawyer, it's ok for you to take care of yourself.
Remember, actions speak louder than words. He is showing you who he really is, believe him.
Also, alcoholism is progressive. it will get worse, far worse than you can even imagine. Unless he admits he has a problem and commits to sobriety and recovery then it's going to be a long bumpy ride.
Check out these threads for some insight into what others have gone through. It could be a look at your future.
Things a normie wouldn't know. Parts 1, 2 and 3
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html (Things a "normie" wouldn't know.... Part 1)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Remember, actions speak louder than words. He is showing you who he really is, believe him.
Also, alcoholism is progressive. it will get worse, far worse than you can even imagine. Unless he admits he has a problem and commits to sobriety and recovery then it's going to be a long bumpy ride.
Check out these threads for some insight into what others have gone through. It could be a look at your future.
Things a normie wouldn't know. Parts 1, 2 and 3
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html (Things a "normie" wouldn't know.... Part 1)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Oh gosh Scacra I completely understand those thoughts of "where did THIS come from out of the blue?" I get it, I get it! That brings on a hurt all it's own!
I heard this many years ago that has helped me wrap my head around this disease a little better. Alcoholism is progressive....even when the alcoholic is not drinking the disease progresses in their body. So, when they pick up each time the disease takes on a new and more progressive life. More out of control, more angry, more dangerous. It certainly did with my AH who picked up after 8 years sober. It was like a speeding freight train blowing through our home!
To quote Redatlanta..... I hate it.
I heard this many years ago that has helped me wrap my head around this disease a little better. Alcoholism is progressive....even when the alcoholic is not drinking the disease progresses in their body. So, when they pick up each time the disease takes on a new and more progressive life. More out of control, more angry, more dangerous. It certainly did with my AH who picked up after 8 years sober. It was like a speeding freight train blowing through our home!
To quote Redatlanta..... I hate it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Patticakes - eh? what? i have never heard that before that even when stopped drinking it progresses in their body? i figured it would progress each time he drank, so each time he had a drink i would see him get a little worse, not just like this. Thanks for sharing that with me, i honestly am shocked by that information and just cant figure though how it progresses when you're not encouraging it with more alcohol. Does anyone know where i can read about this by any chance? 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Maybe there is a better way to define it but it certainly made sense to me when I saw my AH pick up after 8 years sober. It was worse than when he had stopped. I know MUCH MORE about alcoholism than I EVER wanted to know... but I am for SURE not the expert! Just trying to muddle through this nasty disease.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sacra1--Where can you read more about this???.....As I suggested in my other post---start by reading the stickies at the top of this main page.
This contains so much concentrated experience and wisdom...as well as information on resources that could be helpful for you. There are also suggestions for classic reading materials.
You state that you already have a good understanding of alcoholism.....I have been at this for years and I learn more all the time. Even scientists in the field find it to be a baffling disease.
dandylion
This contains so much concentrated experience and wisdom...as well as information on resources that could be helpful for you. There are also suggestions for classic reading materials.
You state that you already have a good understanding of alcoholism.....I have been at this for years and I learn more all the time. Even scientists in the field find it to be a baffling disease.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
i have got the book co-dependant no more and im reading through the stickies so thanks all for that.
he just called to tell me that he is coming back tomorrow - he will stop drinking then, but part way through this conversation he stopped to threaten to break someone's neck who was in his way of the cash point - he would never hurt a fly normally. im sure he wont come back tomorrow and i dont give a sh!t either for that matter.
As part of this binge he has been missing from work for 3 days so i dont think he will get away with this one, also he will know that marriage wise he is in trouble - big time.
how hard it is to stand and watch someone destroy themselves. Its accepting that that i find so hard along with all the hurt.
i am curretly hiding away in the house as i dont want to see peopel and tell them what is going on - they dont know he is an alcoholic, should i just come clean? i guess my not telling anyone part enables him?
he just called to tell me that he is coming back tomorrow - he will stop drinking then, but part way through this conversation he stopped to threaten to break someone's neck who was in his way of the cash point - he would never hurt a fly normally. im sure he wont come back tomorrow and i dont give a sh!t either for that matter.
As part of this binge he has been missing from work for 3 days so i dont think he will get away with this one, also he will know that marriage wise he is in trouble - big time.
how hard it is to stand and watch someone destroy themselves. Its accepting that that i find so hard along with all the hurt.
i am curretly hiding away in the house as i dont want to see peopel and tell them what is going on - they dont know he is an alcoholic, should i just come clean? i guess my not telling anyone part enables him?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sacra--you will learn that isolating and keeping "secrets", along with some other behaviors are part of the disease that affects us that are close to the alcoholic. We tend to gradually adjust our behaviors to accomodate the alcoholic.....that is why it is said that we often end up as sick as the alcoholic.....LOL!
dandylion
dandylion
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