ladyscribbler

One thing I wish I had done in retrospect is to spend less time trying to understand and analyze my ex's behavior and more time protecting myself.
The undercurrent of violence that is simmering inside him has now surfaced. He shoved you. Later during a phone call he threatened to break someone's neck. That cat doesn't go back in the bag. It is in your relationship to stay. Shoving, threats, physical intimidation, those things all escalate over time.
You've been married a year, no kids, no big joint property like a house. Do you really want to wait around and see how bad this is going to get? My ex was a binge drinker until his disease progressed to the point where there was no real break between binges and he was drinking all the time. By the time I left there was almost nothing left of the man I thought I knew and had fallen in love with. I had given up so much of myself to keep the relationship going that there was nothing left.
I am now in the process of rebuilding my life and my self esteem, healing from years of alcoholism, lies and abuse. He is still drinking, spiraling down.
You have a choice here. You can keep letting him string you along with words and promises or you can take back your life. What are you getting out of this besides some help with the monthly bills? Verbal and emotional abuse that has now crossed the line to physical, lies, isolation, heartbreak. Don't you want more out of your life and relationships?

Sungrl

Where does he go when he disappears for a day or so? Are you willing to put up with that?

Patticakes

Very well said Ladyscribbler. It is eerily amazing how similar our stories are. Obviously that makes for tremendous support for each other! Scacra1 I hope you find the support and encouragement you need to make the choice to take care of "you"! If your prayers are answered and he finally chooses sobriety taking care of yourself RIGHT NOW will only make for a better relationship. There is absolutely no down side to you putting your health and sanity priority right now. You are worth that!!

redatlanta

Putting down the alcohol is the easiest part. Reforming the brain is very difficult. Remember it is an obsession of the mind. So even though he stopped drinking his brain kept on keeping on. A dry drunk. A white knuckler. And yes when they pick up again it much worse.

Butterfly

I understand your frustrations and confusion as to why it happened so suddenly. My AH and I received an offer on our house the day he left. The weeks coming up to that between binges were filled with his guilt and remorse. He promised me he would seek help he swore he was in love with me couldn't live without me and begged me not to leave him not to give up on him. Then he left. I didn't understand where it came from and why this had happened until I stepped off the roller coaster stopped contact and thought about my marriage. My AH would always promise to get help then he would backtrack once the guilt had worn off saying he didn't have a problem and he could manage on his own and usually I would say ok never push for him to get help until the last time when I made it clear that I wanted him to see a counsellor and the day he was to see the dr we fought all day as he didn't want to go. He went a week later he left. One thing I have realised is that nothing and no one will get in the way of an alcoholic and his next drink.

Thank you patticakes that explanation helps me to understand why when my AH spent time sober but when he drank again it was with a vengeance. He stopped drinking in January and started again in February again at a level I hadn't seen for many years. Usually he would have binged then settled for a while but not this time

NWGRITS

There have been times during my AM's attempts at sobriety where I wished someone would give her a drink. She wasn't doing the real work of a program, just plodding along without alcohol. I'd rather deal with her hammered than as a dry drunk. Removing the alcohol is just ripping the bandaid off. You've still gotta heal the real wound.

involved

True story ladyscribbler. I got that T-shirt. You have gooten good feedback here Scara...it isnt an easy life and it only gets worse...unless THEY do the hard work. Simetimes the best thing, most living thing to do for you both is to walk away. They will push you to your limit, then suck you back in, only to push you further the next time. Its no life.

m1k3

Something I read that really helped me when I was asking myself all the why and how could she questions.

If you understand then things are just as they are.
If you don't understand then things are just as they are.

I have never figured out why my wife behaved the way she did. Now, I just don't care.

Your friend,

Praying

Needed this today...thanks Mike.

Ursula745

I think you need to ask yourself if you want to stick around for this. Are you really ok with even a slow progression of this, ultimately losing him? Not trying to upset you, but why would a slower progression be better? If there's no recovery effort, the progression is miserable. The way I see it, the quickness of this may give you an opportunity to deal with it before it tears you down so mentally and emotionally.

This is just my own opinion and perspective. You owe it to yourself to care for you. Slowly watching an addict progress is no way to do that. If he wanted recovery and working it, that would be one thing. But, it doesn't sound like he does.

scacra1

Thank you every body - i have had such a supportive response.
i guess im feeling scared right now, scared for me, scared for him and scared that even if i do walk away whose to say that will be the end? Will him and his chaos just go and leave me alone? i dont imagine it will be that simple...

Butterfly

It's normal to feel scared and he may continue to try & contact you but you need to stay strong and do not answer his calls or texts no contact at all. Give yourself time to sort your own wishes and feelings and how you want your future to be.

involved

What confused said...also it will give you the power and self esteme to say "you can not treat me like that" and mean it... and also gives him an oportunity to experience the consequences for his actions. Which may or may not spur him to realise he needs to make a change. But that is up to him and in the hands of the universe.

scacra1

Hello,
So my AH turned up at our house yesterday, still drunk and is still here now.
First things first. We are done. im clear on that - dont know how why or where this came from - but im very clear on that. i think it is because he came back without his wedding ring - lost it he reckons - bullsh!t i reckon. Gut feeling tells me he may have cheated and although there is nothing to suggest this i cant ignore it. ive always been clear in my mind that cheating will never happen to me.
i let him in the house though because i was hoping that this indicates his binge is coming to an end and that he needed somewhere to start sobering up and get himself ready back for work etc.. normal life would resume... until the next time that is.
Our house has 3 levels so i have put him in the bedroom downstairs. i can operate on 2 floors and essentially not know he is there.
sadly yesterday he had a bottle of wine down there so was still drinking, now he is 6 full days into a non stop binge which is the longest it has ever been. I guess my question is that is there anything i can do to bring him out this binge? i just want to get him straight and then have the conversation that were done so i can get on with my life. i will support him and be his friend but i cant be involved with him. i know this sounds like i am trying to control him and i guess i am in a way, but that's just so that i can have some peace - get him back to his version of normal, which is him not drinking until his next binge and then i can be free from him.
PS - just for info i have discovered that he is what you call a dry drunk. He stopped drinking but did it on his own and after reading it was the typical dry drunk - not much else changed!!!

Brindie

Sacra - massive hugs. There is a huge difference between trying to 'control him' (his view of the situation) and laying down some boundaries for you! You sound like a smart woman, why wait to be free when his version of normal will always be through an addictive lens? The secret life I led was the worst bit, but it changed overnight when I refused to keep that secret any longer and 'protect' him, and trusted a couple of close friends. Their support helped me through a lot. x

ladyscribbler

Nothing to do about a binge re " bringing him out" but wait for it to run its course. Alcohol is in control here, not the man.
You have given him a soft landing- a comfy safe place to sober up before he has to face real life. Be prepared for lots of quacking and noise. A lot of 'love you so much, sorry for what happened, didn't mean it, I will change, things will get better kind of bull$h!t.
He knows how effed up he is, he wants a crash pad. If you love him, stop providing that safe place for him. Let his disease run the natural course. Let him have some consequences. Let him be uncomfortable.
Protect yourself and your children. One of my huge regrets is providing a cushion for my ex whenever he 'came to' after a bender and started spinning his web of lies and empty promises.
Sending you hugs and strength. I know how hard it is to break free from this.

martina12

Hi Scacra1 what you are going through is so very similar to what I went through this time last year and probably what many others have been through here on the wonderful site.

My AH also started staying out in hotel rooms so that he could drink vodka, took off his wedding ring and I strongly suspected started sleeping with his XAgf. We were due to go on holiday together and I thought we could sort it out then. He then deliberately picked a fight so that he had an excuse to cancel my flight, but made out it was my fault. Lots of lies and manipulation! He then moved out.

I tried everything to save my marriage, read up loads on the subject, tried to get him back into rehab, tried pleading, begging everything I could think of. It drained and exhausted me completely. Now when I look back I wish I hadn't bothered...I felt like I was drowning in quicksand. Nothing worked and only made things even worse. I was standing in his way with vodka and vodka won.

Every communication with him resulted in such pain and hurt for me. I am now on no contact. No contact=no pain.

I have finally got to the point of accepting its over and decided to go to an Al-anon meeting and speaking to a lawyer re divorce. I am in a similar position to you as my Ah moved into my house and I am the one with equity.

I'm wondering if you are able to ask him to move out? I'm thinking that this must be so painful for you with him living under the same roof? Its a massive step I know but it would get the ball rolling with your recovery? I would also take your time in the steps you take...there is no rush to get things sorted unless you really want to!

Sending healing hugs
Martina

scacra1

Thanks again everyone for the words of support. :-)
He stopped drinking last night - he is withdrawing badly right now, shakes, sweats, sickness etc so i am just leaving him to it. He has sick in his blood, cant move, looks like he is close to passing out - i know this is dangerous so i am popping my head in to check but that's it. He is starting to come to realisation that also he must be at work tomorrow, and i believe he will be in trouble their also - i think all that is enough for him to deal with - ill save my piece - though he knows he has crossed a line this time.
His Mum called to say that the wedding ring was at her house, he left it in the bathroom, so maybe he didnt cheat but i still wont change my mind.
I had the most peaceful though today - i realised that i can walk away from all this and start to rebuild myself a normal life - he cant. Its with him forever.
I do feel for him - i can see how ill he is with this disease, i can also see that he isn't trying hard enough to sort it - i half blame myself - ive probably been too understanding.
The other thing i remembered today is - i am a good person with a lot going for me - i tried to help him, i did all i could, so i will have to move forward remembering that - content that i couldn't do any more than i did.
what is it that Einstein says is the definition of insanity?? doing the same thing over and over and again and expecting different results?! Thats me, Thats him! Well im breaking that cycle - shame he cant/wont!

Butterfly

I remember those days when they were so ill after an episode of heavy drinking. You are right though to leave him to deal with the consequences himself. Go about doing your own thing go out for a walk something nice for you. If he was living on his own he wouldn't have you popping your head round.

Please don't blame yourself you are not responsible for his addiction or behaviour we have all been there when we didn't understand this disease supporting them. I would have looked after my AH after an episode of binging after I had shouted and cried and begged etc then I would have felt sorry for him. I enabled him not to deal with any consequences of his actions. You are now learning more about this disease and how when we love people we will do everything to support them and protect them but that we can't. I realised this after 18 years.

If you give an ultimatum you have to be prepared to stick by it if he breaks the conditions. I gave plenty but never stuck by them so he learned that he could keep doing what he was doing and I wouldn't follow through with what I had said I would so be sure to follow through.

All you can do is focus on your own recovery and look after yourself.

dandylion

scacra---withdrawl can be very dangerous if not done with medical assistance--a person can go into DT's and have seizures, for example---which can be life threatening.

You would not be out of line to call 911 or to drive him to an emergency room.

I don't think you want to kill him....LOL.

dandylion