smama24

Wanting to know what others think... I'm in a relationship where trust has ALWAYS lacked (pretty common in relationships with an alcoholic, go figure)... The alcoholic boyfriend has had what I would like to call an inappropriate relationship with one of the girls he has met in AA. For months there was more than friendly texts going on, he even broke my phone because I had gone through his and read things that shouldn't be said while in a relationship with someone else. when he got out of rehab the texts and convos with this girl calmed down, that was months ago. However, her name came back up 2 months ago. He blocked her number and to my knowledge there was no contact. But tonight I find out they are still speaking and going to meetings together and he unblocked her number. Am I in the wrong for being upset by this relationship he has with her? There are 100s of meetings in our town, does he have to continue going to the ones she's at? I feel betrayed and I don't feel like I can go on in a relationship where my feelings aren't being respected but he says I'm blowing it out of proportion. Has anyone else dealt with this kid of situation?

Wahine

Really? Really? Sorry, someone else will have to come along and say it nicely. He is hiding a relationship from you with another woman. Re-read your own post.

Stung

No, he doesn't have to go to meetings with her but he chooses to. You're not blowing it out of proportion and I think he's gas lighting you for saying otherwise. The crappy part about this is that you cannot make him cease contact with this woman. You've voiced your feelings and opinions and he has carried on with her anyway. You cannot control him or his actions.

But you can control yourself and make the best choices for you and your child. He's not currently living with you right now, right? Maybe now is a good time to end this relationship on a romantic level and just try to focus on co-parenting.

choublak

Chances are this will get worse.

kidden

Gosh your story sounds so similar to the many many times my XAH had inappropriate relationships throughout our 11 year marriage. Nope your not overreacting. Yep it's inappropriate.

suncatcher

Watch the Madea Let Them Go video on Vimeo. I think it should be made a sticky. I was unable to find the link to post it but it is so worth watching.

redatlanta

Inappropriate. Problem is he doesn't see it that way.

FeelingGreat

It would be a red flag for me.

honeypig

I agree w/all that's been said here thus far, smama24. He is disrespecting you in his choices. You say trust has always been lacking, and I don't see any efforts on his part to repair that. What do you want to do? What steps can you take to start moving in that direction?

Hammer

http://lockerz.com/u/20884891/decalz...ionship_advice


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...people-go.html

Florence

Yes, it's inappropriate. No, he is not being reasonable or respectful for purportedly being monogamous with you while floating another girl on the side. He's a cheating alcoholic. There's nothing good that will come out of this.

True story: My STBXAH did this to me with a coworker before we ever got married, including telling me I was crazy for being upset or jealous about it. I wondered if maybe I wasn't being "cool," and so I continued to tolerate it while also accepting his point of view when he asserted that she "got" him in a way I never could, and also that she was awesome and I was boring.

So LOGICALLY, I fought for him and "won." We got married, she moved on. Over the course of our relationship, my STBXAH liked to fawn over other women while neglecting me. It was a major issue alongside his drinking. My job was to shut up and accept it, or be told I was crazy for feeling insecure about his rhapsodizing over friends and celebrities while our sex life fizzled and he slept on the couch (to get drunk after I was in bed, it turned out). Fast forward to today, eight years later, another child, divorcing, and he's in and out of rehab.

As an interesting coda, his lady friend from work went on to have multiple DUIs and drunken car accidents, shacked up with a drug dealer, put her custody of her teenage son at risk, and was eventually fired from that job for theft of unknown sums of money. Whether or not she was truly awesome is up for debate, but I'll take "boring" over that any day.

Final thought: How much sober time does your A have? This behavior in AA is a common thing to the point where it has it's own name. 13th stepping. It's very, very discouraged, and for that reason, in my mind your A's behavior is a red flag for sobriety and ethical reasons as well.

The 13th Step: People Who Prey on Newcomers | The Fix

AnvilheadII

your title was What would you do?

so for me, first i would not GET involved with someone i did not trust. because in my own experience, it turned out exactly as one would expect.

second, after finding him carrying on with another woman in any fashion beyond the time spent in a chair getting his haircut, and then becoming violent and breaking MY phone, i'd be done.

yeah. just like that. D_U_N, done. don't need it. he has his eye elsewhere, he can just take his happy little @ss right along with it and GO.

you either want to be with ME or you don't. you either think i am totally all that AND a bag of chips...and a hotdog....and a rootbeer float.....or you're just killing time. i either get all of you, or i don't want a single atom.

Praying

Every time I read an Anvil post, I wish I could keep her on my shoulder whispering in my ear. Thanks Anvil.

fluffyflea

You know it 's inappropriate behaviour otherwise you wouldn't be sharing this.

What are YOUR limits?

Who needs to deal with that?

NWGRITS

Anvil said "all that and a bag of chips." That just made my day.

Seriously though, WHY would you even consider staying with this douchebag? He's obviously carrying on with another woman while you're here asking if you're blowing it out of proportion. It's exactly what you think it is, and more. I'm going to gently suggest growing a pair and leaving his pathetic, sorry a$$ behind. You deserve better.

lillamy

He broke your phone.

That's where I got stuck.

Forget inappropriate relationship, this is where my red flags started flying really high.

This is not normal or acceptable behavior. Do you see that?

choublak

Seriously, I read the part about him breaking the phone, and was thinking like, forget about infidelity, this is a grown man who breaks things when he gets mad.

NYCDoglvr

It's a good time to ask yourself if this is a relationship you want. When I can't trust or respect someone, it's impossible to have a good, supportive relationship. Alanon saved my sanity and taught me to put the focus on myself, not an alcoholic. God bless

allysen

I very similar situation occurred with my own XAH when we were still together. He was having lunches with another AA 'to talk about recovery.' However, he hid this from me for a long time. When I found out, he also did the block-then-unblock her number, etc. That was the REAL beginning of the end for me. Or was it when he went back to a stripper's apartment 'to talk'? I can't remember now.....

I know it's hard to think about things like this in a rational way when you are so hurt. My suggestion is that you figure out a way to be able to re-focus so that you can examine this relationship and decide what is it you are getting (or not) out of it. For me, I needed to physically separate from him in order to see things clearly and make a decision I could live with. I think it is also important that you ask yourself if you are really truly able to forgive him for this. If not, it's best that you part ways now.

Bullfrog

Me too, Lillamy and Choubak. I got stuck on the phone breaking. Red flag red flag. Violence escalates, and sometimes fast.