What do you do when you're triggered?
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I wouldn't suggest leaving your home necessarily, but for me leaving the situation (watching a movie in another room, going for a walk, taking the kid to the park for an hour) can be super helpful. Like Mike said, it gives me time to detach from the behaviors to clear my head & not react out of emotions like anger. Usually it's a 15-30 min process for me, personally.
Yes, it's your home so no you shouldn't have to leave it but be careful about what the law says about this in your state too - if he's on the title to the home & there is no legal separation/divorce, would the law side with you if push came to shove? IDK a single thing about this, but it's something you might want to know the legalities of for your own benefit.
I can't speak for everyone, but I think everyone benefits from having their own "space" in their home, even in healthy relationships. DD has her large bedroom, RAH has his garage/studio & I have an in-home office/yoga room that is just mine for me & MY stuff.... it's where I take my Time-Outs when I am overwhelmed but I also spend time in there reading, working out, etc. My family knows to knock before entering when that door is closed. 
Yes, it's your home so no you shouldn't have to leave it but be careful about what the law says about this in your state too - if he's on the title to the home & there is no legal separation/divorce, would the law side with you if push came to shove? IDK a single thing about this, but it's something you might want to know the legalities of for your own benefit.
Sorry, forgive my ignorance, but what is the point of living together when it gets to this point?
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
I can't speak for everyone, but I think everyone benefits from having their own "space" in their home, even in healthy relationships. DD has her large bedroom, RAH has his garage/studio & I have an in-home office/yoga room that is just mine for me & MY stuff.... it's where I take my Time-Outs when I am overwhelmed but I also spend time in there reading, working out, etc. My family knows to knock before entering when that door is closed.
When the husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend, are sleeping in separate bedrooms, living in separate rooms, etc., that is not a relationship. Not to me, anyway.
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Originally Posted by choublak
Agreed, but that's not what I'm talking about.
When the husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend, are sleeping in separate bedrooms, living in separate rooms, etc., that is not a relationship. Not to me, anyway.
When the husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend, are sleeping in separate bedrooms, living in separate rooms, etc., that is not a relationship. Not to me, anyway.
I don't think that's what MissFixIt was talking about in the post you originally referenced.... I took her post to have the same meaning as mine - a place to decompress, not separate living quarters inside of the same home.
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I think I'm still fuzzy on what detaching means then. I totally agree with detaching by putting physical space in between yourself and the other person. Which is why we're separated, but I cannot detach (detaching means not reacting for me, I guess) very well when he's in my personal space…which I pretty much consider to be my home when I'm in it. I guess he could have removed himself to another room in the house but I think it's belittling of me to suggest it to him (RAH, go to your room) and he didn't suggest it either.
On Saturday however, I was in the middle of cooking dinner so me leaving/walking away/retreating just wasn't an option. He can't cook, my kids needed to eat and we cannot go out to eat because both girls have food allergies. Really, the easiest solution here was for him to leave. He was doing black and white thinking. Like either he was going to stay put exactly where he was or we needed to legally separate and divorce. What I'm hearing is that I need to remove myself if he won't willing remove himself. My initial reaction is that that isn't fair but it's probably healthier and sets a level of consistency that conflict = personal space & time to cool down. Sounds like boundary territory.
I don't understand what you're saying. I'm not in a relationship because my husband doesn't live with me? If we didn't have young kids, I would agree, there wouldn't be much compelling me to stay and keep working. My husband and I are already separated. He doesn't live in my home. Maybe we'll move back in together someday and maybe we won't. For today we don't live together but we still love each other and we still are married and in a relationship together. If that's not worthwhile for you, that's fine, but I actually am okay with this setup and think it's healthier at this point in his recovery and mine (and by extension, healthier for our children) than sleeping in the same bed together every night when we're having trouble communicating. I don't know how people do early recovery without separation, there is no way I could swing that. I just wish that we both had better conflict resolution skills when we're not getting along because having disagreements is an unavoidable part of being married.
On Saturday however, I was in the middle of cooking dinner so me leaving/walking away/retreating just wasn't an option. He can't cook, my kids needed to eat and we cannot go out to eat because both girls have food allergies. Really, the easiest solution here was for him to leave. He was doing black and white thinking. Like either he was going to stay put exactly where he was or we needed to legally separate and divorce. What I'm hearing is that I need to remove myself if he won't willing remove himself. My initial reaction is that that isn't fair but it's probably healthier and sets a level of consistency that conflict = personal space & time to cool down. Sounds like boundary territory.
When the husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend, are sleeping in separate bedrooms, living in separate rooms, etc., that is not a relationship. Not to me, anyway.
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Well, I think detachment maybe means different things to different people? Especially different if you are dealing with an Ex or a current SO, whether they are active or in recovery themselves.
For me, it's a state I'm striving to achieve, not an activity in & of itself. I think of it like an Adult Time-Out.
I use a variety of tools to get there depending on the situation. Sometimes it means physical distance, sometimes I can just get there mentally (like Mike with his mantra, I do deep breathing, etc.). My goal is to give myself time/space to think through whatever is triggering me so that I can act, not react. When I react, even my valid points get lost in the over-emotional way I try to express myself because my thoughts are scattered and all of my senses are overwhelmed with whatever emotion I'm feeling. (anger, personal hurt, disappointment, etc.)
I have found that *I* have a need more time detaching the bigger (or more complex) the trigger. If I am physically removing myself from the home, I am pretty furious at that point or things are really out of control. Usually it's enough for us to retreat to separate corners for a while - RAH will head to his studio & beat the holy heck out of his drum kit. (I can judge his level of frustration on the amount of double-bass I hear, ) I go for a walk, hit my yoga mat, take a lukewarm shower. (I really am fiery thru & thru... this really helps cool me down) Sometimes I don't have time to deal with it no matter what so I have learned to box it up & put it on a mental shelf in my mind to deal with later. At that point, I need to detach by not obsessing over whatever that "thing" is in the meantime & keep focused on whatever else is happening in that moment.
I learned the hard way on a weekend away at Disney that I needed to have mental ways of detaching too. We were both really early in our respective recoveries & when triggers started flying around we found ourselves without our go-to methods available to us & we BOTH melted & overreacted. Fun times.... not.
Just my $.02!
For me, it's a state I'm striving to achieve, not an activity in & of itself. I think of it like an Adult Time-Out.
I use a variety of tools to get there depending on the situation. Sometimes it means physical distance, sometimes I can just get there mentally (like Mike with his mantra, I do deep breathing, etc.). My goal is to give myself time/space to think through whatever is triggering me so that I can act, not react. When I react, even my valid points get lost in the over-emotional way I try to express myself because my thoughts are scattered and all of my senses are overwhelmed with whatever emotion I'm feeling. (anger, personal hurt, disappointment, etc.)
I have found that *I* have a need more time detaching the bigger (or more complex) the trigger. If I am physically removing myself from the home, I am pretty furious at that point or things are really out of control. Usually it's enough for us to retreat to separate corners for a while - RAH will head to his studio & beat the holy heck out of his drum kit. (I can judge his level of frustration on the amount of double-bass I hear,
) I go for a walk, hit my yoga mat, take a lukewarm shower. (I really am fiery thru & thru... this really helps cool me down) Sometimes I don't have time to deal with it no matter what so I have learned to box it up & put it on a mental shelf in my mind to deal with later. At that point, I need to detach by not obsessing over whatever that "thing" is in the meantime & keep focused on whatever else is happening in that moment.I learned the hard way on a weekend away at Disney that I needed to have mental ways of detaching too. We were both really early in our respective recoveries & when triggers started flying around we found ourselves without our go-to methods available to us & we BOTH melted & overreacted. Fun times.... not.
Just my $.02!
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To choublak,
We have separate spaces because we are set in our own ways, need mental and physical private time and respect one another's boundaries. His room is a mix of random furniture collected since college, no thanks. My room is done entirely in mahogany chippendale furniture. I like pastural scenes, farmhouses and anything rural done in blues and greens on the walls. He likes wild push your mind art and detailed historic local maps on the walls. I have white ruffle sheets, down pillows and clean bedspreads and comforters in the winter. He only like navy or dark brown with corduroy like blankets, yuck. I am neat, he is messy. We have never argued about clothes on the floor, the smell of the room or how one of us needs alone time. We have very different personalities, but recover, decompress, and renew the same ways, alone in our own spaces. He writes and reads and does lots of farting in there. I read, get on the computer and exercise in here. Everyone likes to pile on my bed to watch evening tv, cuddle, sleep, but if he snores, gets stinky, then I kick him to his room. Everyone gets their needs met and no one has hurt feelings or feels rejected. My grandparents had separate rooms but slept in granddads room. It seemed so civilized and it is. Also, if one is sick, not feeling hot, extra tired or has an early morning, it is heaven! When we travel and must share a closet, bathroom, tabletops, etc...it is a wreck. No thanks. We are even thinking about an upstairs addition of adjacent master bedrooms/bathrooms. We both LOVE the idea. We are talking with architects and engineers this fall/winter. Also, we have REALLY old neighbors on either side of the house, so if one dies and the family sells the house, then we want to buy it, renovate it and connect via a corridor to this house. Then we could each have own space and come together too! There are two couples in town that do that and I read an article that Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter do that too. Together when you want, separate when you want. Again, we have never had an argument about anything household related like that and we each always get what we want. It really is a blessing for us.
Stung, how to fix your relationship? Just kidding. I mentioned earlier that I did not think asking him to leave long term would work because 1) he wants to be in the marital home 2) he can legally be there-deed, mortgage, etc.. 3) he has been leaving/separating to appease you, not for himself. If your boundary is that you need space from him, then you cannot count on him leaving, you have to figure out how to get that space without asking that of him...cause at some point he will put his foot down and it sounds like he is getting closer to that moment. You are the one who wants space, he doesn't seem to. Much of that is him half-assing his program. These outbursts are him telling you that his needs are not getting met (imho). You cannot keep asking him to leave the marital home and expect him to comply. At some point he won't and then what? You need a new tool to deal with these type of encounters.
We have separate spaces because we are set in our own ways, need mental and physical private time and respect one another's boundaries. His room is a mix of random furniture collected since college, no thanks. My room is done entirely in mahogany chippendale furniture. I like pastural scenes, farmhouses and anything rural done in blues and greens on the walls. He likes wild push your mind art and detailed historic local maps on the walls. I have white ruffle sheets, down pillows and clean bedspreads and comforters in the winter. He only like navy or dark brown with corduroy like blankets, yuck. I am neat, he is messy. We have never argued about clothes on the floor, the smell of the room or how one of us needs alone time. We have very different personalities, but recover, decompress, and renew the same ways, alone in our own spaces. He writes and reads and does lots of farting in there. I read, get on the computer and exercise in here. Everyone likes to pile on my bed to watch evening tv, cuddle, sleep, but if he snores, gets stinky, then I kick him to his room. Everyone gets their needs met and no one has hurt feelings or feels rejected. My grandparents had separate rooms but slept in granddads room. It seemed so civilized and it is. Also, if one is sick, not feeling hot, extra tired or has an early morning, it is heaven! When we travel and must share a closet, bathroom, tabletops, etc...it is a wreck. No thanks. We are even thinking about an upstairs addition of adjacent master bedrooms/bathrooms. We both LOVE the idea. We are talking with architects and engineers this fall/winter. Also, we have REALLY old neighbors on either side of the house, so if one dies and the family sells the house, then we want to buy it, renovate it and connect via a corridor to this house. Then we could each have own space and come together too! There are two couples in town that do that and I read an article that Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter do that too. Together when you want, separate when you want. Again, we have never had an argument about anything household related like that and we each always get what we want. It really is a blessing for us.
Stung, how to fix your relationship? Just kidding. I mentioned earlier that I did not think asking him to leave long term would work because 1) he wants to be in the marital home 2) he can legally be there-deed, mortgage, etc.. 3) he has been leaving/separating to appease you, not for himself. If your boundary is that you need space from him, then you cannot count on him leaving, you have to figure out how to get that space without asking that of him...cause at some point he will put his foot down and it sounds like he is getting closer to that moment. You are the one who wants space, he doesn't seem to. Much of that is him half-assing his program. These outbursts are him telling you that his needs are not getting met (imho). You cannot keep asking him to leave the marital home and expect him to comply. At some point he won't and then what? You need a new tool to deal with these type of encounters.
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Yeah, I see what you're saying now. I need to really practice using restraint when these situations arise or figure out a way to remove myself and our girls from these situations. It just feels so dramatic though where as him just walking away for a little while seems almost normal at this point. I'm going to talk to my counselor about all of this on Wednesday. She makes me feel like I'm not very supportive of RAH sometimes though, and again, seems very unfair.
He was doing much better before his first sponsor dumped him. He is supposed to find an additional sponsor in this area by the end of the month (at his therapist's suggestion) but I haven't heard him say anything further about that. He really just needs a good, strict, clingy sponsor so he'll leave me alone when he's feeling uncomfortable. He keeps treating me like I'm his sponsor.
He was doing much better before his first sponsor dumped him. He is supposed to find an additional sponsor in this area by the end of the month (at his therapist's suggestion) but I haven't heard him say anything further about that. He really just needs a good, strict, clingy sponsor so he'll leave me alone when he's feeling uncomfortable. He keeps treating me like I'm his sponsor.
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Either he has already or he is going to drink soon again. He is giving me crazy anxiety because he's suddenly acting and talking like an active addict again.
I told him that he's no longer able to stay the night here on the weekends. No program means that I don't want him here anymore than seeing the girls on Saturdays and Sundays. If he wants to act like a drunk then I'm going to treat him like he's a drunk. He just cannot be here because he's making me so freaking uncomfortable.
I told him that he's no longer able to stay the night here on the weekends. No program means that I don't want him here anymore than seeing the girls on Saturdays and Sundays. If he wants to act like a drunk then I'm going to treat him like he's a drunk. He just cannot be here because he's making me so freaking uncomfortable.
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Originally Posted by Stung
He really just needs a good, strict, clingy sponsor so he'll leave me alone when he's feeling uncomfortable.
I have found that when the "(s)he really needs" stuff comes out of MY mouth -- it turns out I am talking about ME.
Which I have usually found to be fairly amazing.
But that is just me . . . .
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Originally Posted by Stung
Either he has already or he is going to drink soon again. He is giving me crazy anxiety because he's suddenly acting and talking like an active addict again.
I told him that he's no longer able to stay the night here on the weekends. No program means that I don't want him here anymore than seeing the girls on Saturdays and Sundays. If he wants to act like a drunk then I'm going to treat him like he's a drunk. He just cannot be here because he's making me so freaking uncomfortable.
I told him that he's no longer able to stay the night here on the weekends. No program means that I don't want him here anymore than seeing the girls on Saturdays and Sundays. If he wants to act like a drunk then I'm going to treat him like he's a drunk. He just cannot be here because he's making me so freaking uncomfortable.
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Stung---If the dynamic between you two has been that you are controlling in nature and he is dependent in nature...then you all have been doing this dance for quite a long time, it would appear. Just because you have decided that you want HIM to change, doesn't mean that he will want to....just because you said so. Also, it has been his home for a long time...so it doesn't sound odd (to me) that he still thinks of it as his real "home"....especially, if there is some kind of complicit understanding between you that he will return there some time in the future.
Have you considered that there may be some very fundamental differences in your tempraments and personalities--and that he may never want to change enough to suit you and vice-versa? I am talking about differences at the core.
I know that that was true between my first husband (my children's father) and myself.
All these years later, he hasn't changed one bit. If I had stayed with him I am sure that I would be living in an asylum, somewhere!!! No therapist, anywhere, could have changed our essential natures.
At any rate..it appears that your separation arrangement, as it stands, is not working to the satisfaction of either of you. And, his authentic recovery from addiction seems to be in question, also.
Could it be time to go back to the drawing board.....
I'm just asking.....do you think that is a fair question?
dandylion
Have you considered that there may be some very fundamental differences in your tempraments and personalities--and that he may never want to change enough to suit you and vice-versa? I am talking about differences at the core.
I know that that was true between my first husband (my children's father) and myself.
All these years later, he hasn't changed one bit. If I had stayed with him I am sure that I would be living in an asylum, somewhere!!! No therapist, anywhere, could have changed our essential natures.
At any rate..it appears that your separation arrangement, as it stands, is not working to the satisfaction of either of you. And, his authentic recovery from addiction seems to be in question, also.
Could it be time to go back to the drawing board.....
I'm just asking.....do you think that is a fair question?
dandylion
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My thoughts are similar to dandy's this morning after reading your update.
I'm wondering if, despite the fact that he SEES the need for his recovery & has put effort into it.... maybe he's been expecting that soon it will be "enough" for this stage of the separation/etc to be over & for things to "go back" to a semi-normal? {and getting antsy waiting}
In a sense, that he knows he needs the changes, but he's doing them to placate you & your marriage. Especially in light of the controlling push & pull between you. How many times has he relapsed since starting recovery? How long has his longest sober streak been?
Also, don't discount that your OWN recovery is upsetting the apple cart here...... the healthier you get, the harder it is to accept old, bad behaviors & patterns. When this process started, he may have expected you to "fold" before now but instead you're breaking down barriers you didn't even realize you would be facing so you may be widening the gap between your recoveries a bit. (you moving toward healthier, him staying in the same place)
I absolutely understand your reasons for this, but also wondering if the way you keep changing & dictating the "you can stay/you can't stay" as ultimatums in relation to how you are judging his success in recovery..... sounds an awful lot like controlling. It also makes staying in the home sound like a reward to be earned for good behavior instead of a natural evolution in your relationship. Do you think he perceives it that way? From the way he's starting to bark back against being told when he can & can't stay there, maybe he is?
~easier said than done, I realize~... but... he can't give you anxiety you aren't willing to accept. I hear your anxiety rising because you can't control or predict his next move. (that's right, I see the 3 fingers pointed back at me here.... ) I have done this a LOT myself & I've gotten better at managing it but like I said previously... the bigger the trigger the harder it is for me to detach, so that anxiety creeps up.
IDK if it's any consolation, but maybe it's something in the moon cycles lately.... RAH hasn't been showing signs of impending relapse necessarily, but I definitely have seen a relapse in his behaviors that show he is maybe struggling a bit. IDK - more will be revealed if that is the case. In the meantime, I spent the weekend focusing on me & did an intense 72-hr fast/detox that helped me purge a lot physically & emotionally. It was very challenging but very rewarding & I am super proud of myself for accomplishing it!
I'm wondering if, despite the fact that he SEES the need for his recovery & has put effort into it.... maybe he's been expecting that soon it will be "enough" for this stage of the separation/etc to be over & for things to "go back" to a semi-normal? {and getting antsy waiting}
In a sense, that he knows he needs the changes, but he's doing them to placate you & your marriage. Especially in light of the controlling push & pull between you. How many times has he relapsed since starting recovery? How long has his longest sober streak been?
Also, don't discount that your OWN recovery is upsetting the apple cart here...... the healthier you get, the harder it is to accept old, bad behaviors & patterns. When this process started, he may have expected you to "fold" before now but instead you're breaking down barriers you didn't even realize you would be facing so you may be widening the gap between your recoveries a bit. (you moving toward healthier, him staying in the same place)
I told him that he's no longer able to stay the night here on the weekends.
He is giving me crazy anxiety because he's suddenly acting and talking like an active addict again
) I have done this a LOT myself & I've gotten better at managing it but like I said previously... the bigger the trigger the harder it is for me to detach, so that anxiety creeps up.IDK if it's any consolation, but maybe it's something in the moon cycles lately.... RAH hasn't been showing signs of impending relapse necessarily, but I definitely have seen a relapse in his behaviors that show he is maybe struggling a bit. IDK - more will be revealed if that is the case. In the meantime, I spent the weekend focusing on me & did an intense 72-hr fast/detox that helped me purge a lot physically & emotionally. It was very challenging but very rewarding & I am super proud of myself for accomplishing it!
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Fair enough. I really need him to leave me alone. I want him to find a sponsor that is all over him so that he's almost too busy for me. I want that.
Dandy, I hear you but honestly I don't know. Some people with different natures last and some don't. I don't know what the future holds and I'm not a therapist. I also have dependent qualities sometimes and sometimes my husband is controlling. I don't think a person can be labeled completely inside a box. I am primarily controlling but I'm also codependent sometimes and sometimes I'm needy. Right now I feel needy. Which is kind of why I'm here.
My boundary is no drunks are allowed in my home when I don't want them there. If he isn't cool with that then I'll take his keys or change the locks. If he wants to push it further than that then I'll move myself and my kids out. How's that for totally unnecessary drama. Or he could not be a douche and just stay away because I'm telling him that he makes me uncomfortable. He makes me nervous when he's acting like this. When he's healthy and taking care of himself he's fun and sweet and adds so much to my life and my family but when he's like this...I'd he happy not knowing him.
Dandy, I hear you but honestly I don't know. Some people with different natures last and some don't. I don't know what the future holds and I'm not a therapist. I also have dependent qualities sometimes and sometimes my husband is controlling. I don't think a person can be labeled completely inside a box. I am primarily controlling but I'm also codependent sometimes and sometimes I'm needy. Right now I feel needy. Which is kind of why I'm here.
My boundary is no drunks are allowed in my home when I don't want them there. If he isn't cool with that then I'll take his keys or change the locks. If he wants to push it further than that then I'll move myself and my kids out. How's that for totally unnecessary drama. Or he could not be a douche and just stay away because I'm telling him that he makes me uncomfortable. He makes me nervous when he's acting like this. When he's healthy and taking care of himself he's fun and sweet and adds so much to my life and my family but when he's like this...I'd he happy not knowing him.
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I hear a lot of frustration in your posts but also a lot of "if he would just _______, then I would be fine." I sense that your stability and peace is very dependent on what he does and how he does it, and in the long run, I don't know how anyone can live up to that level of responsibility.
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Originally Posted by Stung
Fair enough. I really need him to leave me alone. I want him to find a sponsor that is all over him so that he's almost too busy for me. I want that.
Dandy, I hear you but honestly I don't know. Some people with different natures last and some don't. I don't know what the future holds and I'm not a therapist. I also have dependent qualities sometimes and sometimes my husband is controlling. I don't think a person can be labeled completely inside a box. I am primarily controlling but I'm also codependent sometimes and sometimes I'm needy. Right now I feel needy. Which is kind of why I'm here.
My boundary is no drunks are allowed in my home when I don't want them there. If he isn't cool with that then I'll take his keys or change the locks. If he wants to push it further than that then I'll move myself and my kids out. How's that for totally unnecessary drama. Or he could not be a douche and just stay away because I'm telling him that he makes me uncomfortable. He makes me nervous when he's acting like this. When he's healthy and taking care of himself he's fun and sweet and adds so much to my life and my family but when he's like this...I'd he happy not knowing him.
Dandy, I hear you but honestly I don't know. Some people with different natures last and some don't. I don't know what the future holds and I'm not a therapist. I also have dependent qualities sometimes and sometimes my husband is controlling. I don't think a person can be labeled completely inside a box. I am primarily controlling but I'm also codependent sometimes and sometimes I'm needy. Right now I feel needy. Which is kind of why I'm here.
My boundary is no drunks are allowed in my home when I don't want them there. If he isn't cool with that then I'll take his keys or change the locks. If he wants to push it further than that then I'll move myself and my kids out. How's that for totally unnecessary drama. Or he could not be a douche and just stay away because I'm telling him that he makes me uncomfortable. He makes me nervous when he's acting like this. When he's healthy and taking care of himself he's fun and sweet and adds so much to my life and my family but when he's like this...I'd he happy not knowing him.
i understand your frustration. be wary about one thing. when you keep pushing him away from you (i understand why), his needs of having a "nice wife" are not being met. many men will fill that void with another woman. i don't write this to scare you, but let you know before anything like that might start.
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Stung---I also hear what you are saying. Of course, you want what you want.
People can be different enough to be interesting...but, do need to be compatible enough to co-exist with relative comfort (at least). Sometimes, controlling behaviors will exist in one context--and not show so much in others. Close, intimate relationships will bring out our individual demons...every time!! LOL!. I know they do mine...
I can tell you how it sounds from where I sit....I always get the impression from your posts that you are almost talking about a teenage son who is not going about your rules...and that you are very angry with him...and are planning some punishment for him if he doesn't jump to it and comply. I am talking about TONE.
You want him to be healthy and taking care of himself and sweet (and not addicted). I submit to you that he will do these things when and if he decides to because he wants to be like that for himself--not because you demand him to.
Yes you can change the locks (legal?) or take the keys and even move from the house. Maybe, you will have to do that in the end.....I certainly don't know. Maybe that is what you will have to do to not have him pester you.
Getting him out of the house and having him behave the way you want him to are two separate issues. You cannot control him. Nor should you.
Stung..I am giving you feedback, as I see it, in the chance that some of it might be useful to you.
If it does...good....If it doesn't...just throw it in the bin.....LOL!
sincerely,
dandylion
People can be different enough to be interesting...but, do need to be compatible enough to co-exist with relative comfort (at least). Sometimes, controlling behaviors will exist in one context--and not show so much in others. Close, intimate relationships will bring out our individual demons...every time!! LOL!. I know they do mine...
I can tell you how it sounds from where I sit....I always get the impression from your posts that you are almost talking about a teenage son who is not going about your rules...and that you are very angry with him...and are planning some punishment for him if he doesn't jump to it and comply. I am talking about TONE.
You want him to be healthy and taking care of himself and sweet (and not addicted). I submit to you that he will do these things when and if he decides to because he wants to be like that for himself--not because you demand him to.
Yes you can change the locks (legal?) or take the keys and even move from the house. Maybe, you will have to do that in the end.....I certainly don't know. Maybe that is what you will have to do to not have him pester you.
Getting him out of the house and having him behave the way you want him to are two separate issues. You cannot control him. Nor should you.
Stung..I am giving you feedback, as I see it, in the chance that some of it might be useful to you.
If it does...good....If it doesn't...just throw it in the bin.....LOL!
sincerely,
dandylion
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Ugh…I don't have any plan. I am working on my own business right now but I was planning on it being fun money not necessarily exit strategy money. In two months I could live without any financial support from him but I'm not there yet. We could do a legal separation right now but that basically will only provide a legally mandated structure for child custody, health care and finances. We aren't squabbling over finances or when he can see our kids, additionally, a legal separation isn't going to help enforce any of my boundaries or take away his rights to our home. I could file for divorce (although I'm not ready to do that, I haven't hit my breaking point yet) but even other women that I've know who have filed for divorce have still had to live with husbands who refuse to leave the home. Filing for separation or divorce doesn't solve the physical space issue. Plus, when I told him that he would only be welcome here on Saturdays and Sundays and no longer over night he didn't fight me on it.
As far as the teenager stuff goes, yeah, you're probably right. That is one thing our marriage counselor said last year that actually felt spot on. She said that RAH acts like a teenager in that he wants to have all kinds of independence from me but when things go wrong he wants me to swoop in and save the day. That's pretty much the scenario that is playing out here too. When he is really working his program, he is THE man, when he's not working his program he wants to point his finger at me and call me controlling and come running to me when his anxiety is out of control so I can soothe his nerves and make everything all better. I don't know how to shut this cycle down. And our living situation probably falls into this cycle too because yes, I am in control of our family home and who can and cannot enter it, which I can see is totally like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey because he wants to be here with us. I want the space for myself and I want him to work his program for him, and I just want to reap the residual benefits of him working a program. Likewise, when he's not working his program I want his anxiety bombs to go off far, far away from me and our girls. I don't really want to control him unless he's in my space and acting out of control. THAT is what is triggering me. He's acting out of control in front of me and it's making me fall back into old bad controlling, mothering habits. I need to keep him away from me when he's acting like this because I cannot handle it.
As far as the teenager stuff goes, yeah, you're probably right. That is one thing our marriage counselor said last year that actually felt spot on. She said that RAH acts like a teenager in that he wants to have all kinds of independence from me but when things go wrong he wants me to swoop in and save the day. That's pretty much the scenario that is playing out here too. When he is really working his program, he is THE man, when he's not working his program he wants to point his finger at me and call me controlling and come running to me when his anxiety is out of control so I can soothe his nerves and make everything all better. I don't know how to shut this cycle down. And our living situation probably falls into this cycle too because yes, I am in control of our family home and who can and cannot enter it, which I can see is totally like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey because he wants to be here with us. I want the space for myself and I want him to work his program for him, and I just want to reap the residual benefits of him working a program. Likewise, when he's not working his program I want his anxiety bombs to go off far, far away from me and our girls. I don't really want to control him unless he's in my space and acting out of control. THAT is what is triggering me. He's acting out of control in front of me and it's making me fall back into old bad controlling, mothering habits. I need to keep him away from me when he's acting like this because I cannot handle it.
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You have your house. He has his space. I think it's a perfect arrangement and see no reason you should go through the "detaching in the same house" when you have an alternative. Seriously.
I'm sorry but this made me laugh out loud. It is just SO damn typical. I don't know how many times I chose to not drink and AXH would be all up in my business about how I was trying to make him feel bad. No, sh*tbag, I'm training for a big race and my nutrition plan doesn't include beer the week before the race! It's just like... he had NO ability to comprehend that I could be making a choice that had nothing to do with him!!!
*sigh*
It must be such a burden to be the center of the universe, mustn't it?
He asked me what I wanted (just a bottled water) and he then he called me controlling
*sigh*
It must be such a burden to be the center of the universe, mustn't it?
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