What do you do when you're triggered?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Well, my AH doesn't understand that if you pee in your pants one day, they don't automatically smell better the next day, so you shouldn't just pick them off the floor and put them back on again.
I used to let it go, but I can't.. it's so gross. So I do tell him that maybe he should wash his shorts and put on a clean pair. He usually asks, "Why?" Or he'll get a bottle of febreze and spray the dirty ones. This is a man who used to yell if he white shirts weren't properly washed and starched. Very sad.
I used to let it go, but I can't.. it's so gross. So I do tell him that maybe he should wash his shorts and put on a clean pair. He usually asks, "Why?" Or he'll get a bottle of febreze and spray the dirty ones. This is a man who used to yell if he white shirts weren't properly washed and starched. Very sad.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Hey Stung,
on review of this . . . you (or his sponsor would be better) probably need to get him to clean up.
Not saying this is your responsibility or your problem -- but even in the tech fields this is only tolerated so far.
I do recall back in the bubble, our offices smelling like a mix of curry, garlic, old beer cans from the white frat boys, dirty panties from some skanks . . . but really those days have faded and dysfunction has become to be recognized for what it is.
IF the folks he works with get down-wind of this, it may harm your family income and you and the girls. I suspect you have some enlightened self-interest in this one.
on review of this . . . you (or his sponsor would be better) probably need to get him to clean up.
Not saying this is your responsibility or your problem -- but even in the tech fields this is only tolerated so far.
I do recall back in the bubble, our offices smelling like a mix of curry, garlic, old beer cans from the white frat boys, dirty panties from some skanks . . . but really those days have faded and dysfunction has become to be recognized for what it is.
IF the folks he works with get down-wind of this, it may harm your family income and you and the girls. I suspect you have some enlightened self-interest in this one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
He's the boss, Hammer. No joke, he has a business partner that he's accountable to but he lives in Europe. I have zero doubts his employees noticed that my husband was recently on top of his game (because he's now bringing in more money as a result) and then went totally MIA and is stinky when he is around his offices.
I'm making decent money (projecting 6 figures at the end of the fiscal year) for myself. So I'm trying to not worry about that piece. I'm trying to not stress and just focus on me. Eye on the prize and all that jazz.
I'm making decent money (projecting 6 figures at the end of the fiscal year) for myself. So I'm trying to not worry about that piece. I'm trying to not stress and just focus on me. Eye on the prize and all that jazz.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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And SoloMio, ewwwwwwww! It's not so much a hygiene issue but more that he is just abusing the heck out of his own body and his body just really can't handle anything beyond healthy input at this point. Last night he was telling me that he thinks he has an ulcer, again (and asking me how to book an appt with his doctor.)
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Just out of curiosity but could he have changed his DOC?
What do I do when I get triggered, I have a mantra that I start to say in my head. Mine is Buddhist but it could be anything. Really works as it brings the focus back on me and now. I've been using this for around 4 or 5 years now and sometimes I find that I'm saying the mantra before I realize that I'm being triggered.
Your friend,
What do I do when I get triggered, I have a mantra that I start to say in my head. Mine is Buddhist but it could be anything. Really works as it brings the focus back on me and now. I've been using this for around 4 or 5 years now and sometimes I find that I'm saying the mantra before I realize that I'm being triggered.
Your friend,
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He could have, but I don't think he's drinking, mainly because he's acting rational and nice. My husband can't even fake rationality when he's been drinking.
Do you mind sharing your mantra? This morning I kept telling myself "the harder I work, the luckier I get. The harder I work, the luckier I get." I think its a sports quote but it motivated me enough to do something.
I went for a 5 mile run alone this morning. Anxiety is gone.
When in doubt I need to exercise. Runner's high is pretty tough to beat.
Do you mind sharing your mantra? This morning I kept telling myself "the harder I work, the luckier I get. The harder I work, the luckier I get." I think its a sports quote but it motivated me enough to do something.
I went for a 5 mile run alone this morning. Anxiety is gone.
When in doubt I need to exercise. Runner's high is pretty tough to beat.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
It's Namu Amida Buddha. It can translate as I take refuge in the Amida Buddha. Very much like let go and let God. It is my anchor to stop runaway thoughts and emotions.
It comes from Pure Land Buddhism.
Your friend,
It comes from Pure Land Buddhism.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Posts: 2,066
I'm so frustrated right now.
I bickered with RAH. Asked him to leave because he was just being a jerk. He was refusing to leave and telling me that I would need to file for a legal separation to make him leave "his" home. Told him no, that I could call the police and make him leave if he was going to keep digging his heels in. He kept putting it on me, "why do you want me to leave? Why do I have to leave?" Because I asked you to, because I don't like your attitude and your tone and your words and you're making me uncomfortable. Why stay when I've asked you to leave?
Finally, he gets his stuff and is making a big show about taking his house key off of his key ring. Really?! Why does this have to be so dramatic. Just go dude. I tell him to stop being so dramatic and he asks if he may keep his keys. Good grief, it's like he can't stop once he's started and he's just waiting for me to tell him what to do and how he can make me happy but I don't want to play that game anymore. Either figure it out on your own or be on your way.
While I can feel all of this brewing I'm asking myself what my expectations are. I know he's in early recovery, he went on a walk with the dog in an attempt to soothe whatever is going on with him and that didn't work but then he's in my space acting so entitled and arrogant and then literally calling me arrogant and I just cannot stop myself from speaking up. And he has the nerve to tell me that he's sticking up for himself.
Then I asked him what his expectations are of me. After a smart ass comment he tells me that he just expects me to be nice because I'm his wife. Well, sure but what does he expect when he's not being nice to me? Blank stare and silence until he starts in with a "well you started it" retort. Like it even matters. I don't like him right now and he doesn't like me right now and obviously it makes sense that we have some space right now and he just wants to fight me on it. Then he was telling me to calm down (there was no yelling, just me insisting that he leave or stop being such a jerk) and our 2 year old started mimicking him. Ugh…. All I wanted was some space from him. I'm not telling him what he needs to do besides just be away from me. So tired of this drama. What the heck is so hard about my request that he just leave? I wasn't asking him to go away forever, I didn't even say that he couldn't stay here tonight, just that he needed to leave now and he won't even try to talk about what's going on because he's instantly so dang defensive. It is exhausting!
And all of this is after we had an afternoon date together today that was a pretty nice time.
I bickered with RAH. Asked him to leave because he was just being a jerk. He was refusing to leave and telling me that I would need to file for a legal separation to make him leave "his" home. Told him no, that I could call the police and make him leave if he was going to keep digging his heels in. He kept putting it on me, "why do you want me to leave? Why do I have to leave?" Because I asked you to, because I don't like your attitude and your tone and your words and you're making me uncomfortable. Why stay when I've asked you to leave?
Finally, he gets his stuff and is making a big show about taking his house key off of his key ring. Really?! Why does this have to be so dramatic. Just go dude. I tell him to stop being so dramatic and he asks if he may keep his keys. Good grief, it's like he can't stop once he's started and he's just waiting for me to tell him what to do and how he can make me happy but I don't want to play that game anymore. Either figure it out on your own or be on your way.
While I can feel all of this brewing I'm asking myself what my expectations are. I know he's in early recovery, he went on a walk with the dog in an attempt to soothe whatever is going on with him and that didn't work but then he's in my space acting so entitled and arrogant and then literally calling me arrogant and I just cannot stop myself from speaking up. And he has the nerve to tell me that he's sticking up for himself.
Then I asked him what his expectations are of me. After a smart ass comment he tells me that he just expects me to be nice because I'm his wife. Well, sure but what does he expect when he's not being nice to me? Blank stare and silence until he starts in with a "well you started it" retort. Like it even matters. I don't like him right now and he doesn't like me right now and obviously it makes sense that we have some space right now and he just wants to fight me on it. Then he was telling me to calm down (there was no yelling, just me insisting that he leave or stop being such a jerk) and our 2 year old started mimicking him. Ugh…. All I wanted was some space from him. I'm not telling him what he needs to do besides just be away from me. So tired of this drama. What the heck is so hard about my request that he just leave? I wasn't asking him to go away forever, I didn't even say that he couldn't stay here tonight, just that he needed to leave now and he won't even try to talk about what's going on because he's instantly so dang defensive. It is exhausting!
And all of this is after we had an afternoon date together today that was a pretty nice time.
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IDK Stung, this is the grey area that's so hard (IMO) when we stay & are trying to recover separately but together.
All I can say is that this is the reaction I tend to see in RAH when he isn't working his program ~not REALLY~. By that I mean that he may be doing meetings & going through motions, but he's either struggling internally against whatever all that is bringing up or he isn't actually working it, he's white-knuckling it & not truly applying the tools he knows. I don't know exactly of course, & if I've wandered this far to his side of the street, I've probably gone too far so I backtrack asap.
The defensive reaction for my RAH can STILL be one of the hardest issues for both of us. He handles stuff noticeably different when he's had enough sleep, attending meetings regularly, eating well, etc. vs. the opposite. But again, not my monkey ya know? He needs to figure that out & own it. The trick for me is to not get drawn into it. Those are the times I have to drop the rope even if it means I leave the situation to get the distance he won't give me because I NEVER get through to him anyway when he's in that mindset.
We get farther by coming back to the incident to discuss it rationally after we've had time to cool down on both sides. Especially, especially during early recovery. I definitely did not "get" that early enough on - it felt like a concession or free pass to drop the rope when I had a defendable point, ya know?
All I can say is that this is the reaction I tend to see in RAH when he isn't working his program ~not REALLY~. By that I mean that he may be doing meetings & going through motions, but he's either struggling internally against whatever all that is bringing up or he isn't actually working it, he's white-knuckling it & not truly applying the tools he knows. I don't know exactly of course, & if I've wandered this far to his side of the street, I've probably gone too far so I backtrack asap.
The defensive reaction for my RAH can STILL be one of the hardest issues for both of us. He handles stuff noticeably different when he's had enough sleep, attending meetings regularly, eating well, etc. vs. the opposite. But again, not my monkey ya know? He needs to figure that out & own it. The trick for me is to not get drawn into it. Those are the times I have to drop the rope even if it means I leave the situation to get the distance he won't give me because I NEVER get through to him anyway when he's in that mindset.
We get farther by coming back to the incident to discuss it rationally after we've had time to cool down on both sides. Especially, especially during early recovery. I definitely did not "get" that early enough on - it felt like a concession or free pass to drop the rope when I had a defendable point, ya know?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by choublak 
I personally don't understand how someone goes a week or more without showering.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
There were times when I would have shanked my grandma for two minutes of hot running water.
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Is there another way for you to "detach" from him without him having to leave the house? I am not sure that him leaving each time he does something annoying will work long term. He is already making the it's my house too comments, so I doubt he will keep leaving as you need/want him to in the future. I think you need a new coping mechanism for those encounters.
Could you establish a room in your house that is "your" room? Could you go to this space when you cannot take it? I have "my" room and I love it. Only my things in there (girly and nice) and I can close the door when I need to and get my zen back.
Could you establish a room in your house that is "your" room? Could you go to this space when you cannot take it? I have "my" room and I love it. Only my things in there (girly and nice) and I can close the door when I need to and get my zen back.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Just as an update… Food is a trigger for my husband. Not all food but bad junky, super indulgent food. Like greasy burgers, chips, cookies, movie theatre popcorn, etc. He realized this during the previous week and then put himself on a juice cleanse and seemed like he was back on track until he ate that burrito and subsequently stunk to the high heavens.
Yesterday we went and saw a movie, just the two of us, and he wanted to eat junky food at the theatre. I didn't say anything. Period. He asked me what I wanted (just a bottled water) and he then he called me controlling and this is pretty much where our problem stemmed from. We didn't talk about this incident. Rather we both sat there feeling anxious and harboring that anxiety, then we brought the anxiety home with us. Me witnessing him making bad decisions and wondering what was coming next, him wondering about what I was thinking and feeling and what I was going to tell him to do (I AM controlling but I've made great strides in reeling those tendencies in but he's a people pleaser and while he knows this he doesn't recognize when he's looking for signals from me.)
So we had our disagreement. He left. I called him and he returned and we talked calmly and respectfully and we apologized. He told me that he's going to do a better job keeping himself away from triggers not only limited to alcohol. Obviously he cannot go to bars because the allure of alcohol would be too strong for him but he realizes that he needs to stay away from temptation with junky food too.
Then we had a really wonderful family day today.
I don't think my leaving is the alternative here. We're separated and this is my home. He has his own space and it isn't here. So when I ask him to leave he needs to respect my request. I personally don't really believe in detaching. Either he'll learn to recognize when we need space or we'll need to cut back the time that we spend together. Him telling me that my home is his home too is just being argumentative and acting like a victim. He is a brilliant debater and can talk circles around me but I've learned not to engage into these types of conversations anymore. Anything that is antagonistic or accusatory is not for me or about me, it's ALL about him. It's those times that he needs to excuse himself and go utilize any of his tools in his sobriety education. Or just flat out excuse himself. At some point I expect him to be able to recognize when things feel uncomfortable and for him to say or do something other than attacking me. His go to "I feel uncomfortable" mechanism is to attack me or to seek sympathy from me as if I am his sponsor or his mother and I am not offering him ANYTHING in these instances anymore (this was the topic of my last counseling sesh.) We both need to learn to communicate better and cope with our own anxieties better. His choice to order a giant tub of yucky popcorn shouldn't give me the anxiety that I had yesterday. I have a lot more work to do on myself.
Yesterday we went and saw a movie, just the two of us, and he wanted to eat junky food at the theatre. I didn't say anything. Period. He asked me what I wanted (just a bottled water) and he then he called me controlling and this is pretty much where our problem stemmed from. We didn't talk about this incident. Rather we both sat there feeling anxious and harboring that anxiety, then we brought the anxiety home with us. Me witnessing him making bad decisions and wondering what was coming next, him wondering about what I was thinking and feeling and what I was going to tell him to do (I AM controlling but I've made great strides in reeling those tendencies in but he's a people pleaser and while he knows this he doesn't recognize when he's looking for signals from me.)
So we had our disagreement. He left. I called him and he returned and we talked calmly and respectfully and we apologized. He told me that he's going to do a better job keeping himself away from triggers not only limited to alcohol. Obviously he cannot go to bars because the allure of alcohol would be too strong for him but he realizes that he needs to stay away from temptation with junky food too.
Then we had a really wonderful family day today.
I don't think my leaving is the alternative here. We're separated and this is my home. He has his own space and it isn't here. So when I ask him to leave he needs to respect my request. I personally don't really believe in detaching. Either he'll learn to recognize when we need space or we'll need to cut back the time that we spend together. Him telling me that my home is his home too is just being argumentative and acting like a victim. He is a brilliant debater and can talk circles around me but I've learned not to engage into these types of conversations anymore. Anything that is antagonistic or accusatory is not for me or about me, it's ALL about him. It's those times that he needs to excuse himself and go utilize any of his tools in his sobriety education. Or just flat out excuse himself. At some point I expect him to be able to recognize when things feel uncomfortable and for him to say or do something other than attacking me. His go to "I feel uncomfortable" mechanism is to attack me or to seek sympathy from me as if I am his sponsor or his mother and I am not offering him ANYTHING in these instances anymore (this was the topic of my last counseling sesh.) We both need to learn to communicate better and cope with our own anxieties better. His choice to order a giant tub of yucky popcorn shouldn't give me the anxiety that I had yesterday. I have a lot more work to do on myself.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
personally don't really believe in detaching
For me detaching doesn't mean you have to detach from the person. It means you detach from the behaviors of that person and the emotions that they trigger. Just because they do something I don't like doesn't mean I have to take ownership of it. I really think it is the foundation of staying on my side of the street.
Not my monkey, not my circus. That is detachment.
Your friend,
For me detaching doesn't mean you have to detach from the person. It means you detach from the behaviors of that person and the emotions that they trigger. Just because they do something I don't like doesn't mean I have to take ownership of it. I really think it is the foundation of staying on my side of the street.
Not my monkey, not my circus. That is detachment.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by MissFixit
Is there another way for you to "detach" from him without him having to leave the house? I am not sure that him leaving each time he does something annoying will work long term. He is already making the it's my house too comments, so I doubt he will keep leaving as you need/want him to in the future. I think you need a new coping mechanism for those encounters.
Could you establish a room in your house that is "your" room? Could you go to this space when you cannot take it? I have "my" room and I love it. Only my things in there (girly and nice) and I can close the door when I need to and get my zen back.
Could you establish a room in your house that is "your" room? Could you go to this space when you cannot take it? I have "my" room and I love it. Only my things in there (girly and nice) and I can close the door when I need to and get my zen back.
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