Patience

You know, I'm completely new to this chat business, putting my problems across to others etc. and I don't know if it'll do ME any good. Years and years I've lived with this problem, always coping - just, and I've spent hours looking through books etc about how to help my husband with his drink problem. I now know of course that there's nothing I can do unless HE really wants to help himself first. Looking through some of the addicts and alcoholics messages I suddenly felt so angry that it's us that are paying, in pain, unnecessary guilt and stress, for THEIR weaknesses. How can I offload this anger, or redirect it into more useful channels? Anyone out there want to chat about this?

chivapiano

Hi Patience, Anger can be good. Get angry but add to it. Instead of thinking about how much time you've wasted think about how much time you've wasted and what can you do today or tomorrow to make good use of the day which's been given to you. Instead of wallowing in resent about how unfair everything is take it a step further and think about the opportunity you have to understand things others never even touch on. And how it can make you stronger and add to your experience about life. The pain you've experienced can be such a learning tool and a blessing down the road when you cane take from it instead of letting it oppress you. I'me re-reading this fax and it sounds facile. But it's also true. He is not making you unhappy because he drinks. You are making yourself unhappy because he drinks. You can check out anytime. It's not easy but its possible. Love, Chi

Patience

Hello, Chivapiano (what does that mean?). Your words are so true, you are a real philosopher aren't you? I AM very strong because of this difficulty and other difficulties throughout my life. Our maybe the Creator made me strong to be able to deal with it all. Anyway, I get your meaning completely and agree with you. BUT - you know how it is with us stong ones - we sometimes yearn to be the weak one now and then. To be able to collapse and let others take over and pick up the broken pieces, sometimes at least! The spirit just gets so TIRED...Lovely to know you're out there somewhere for me to off-load when the going gets tough.Love Patience.

JT

I am a "strong one" and I have never seen it put down in words that we yearn to be weak, but at some level I think that is true. Maybe what stops us is that most (all??) of us codependants are control freaks and if we break down we are giving up that control. Or illusion of control.

Just a thought.

Patience

Hello, Just Tired (Iknow the feeling). You are right, pehaps we are control freaks and are so in control of ourselves we can't bear to see anyone else not in control. It is good to hear someone say it, someone in a similar situation perhaps. No one else really knows what it's like living with someone with an alcohol problem do they? Even family and close friends aren't much help either and you don't like to burden them. How I wish I'd had this means (Net) years ago when I was less mature and much less able to cope. I am at last learning to let go a little, it is quite scary but exciting. I can't imagine life now without this problem - is that scary or what? Goodnight for now. Patience.