Butterfly

Today is my 17th wedding anniversary and I don't even know if he remembers if he's sad or celebrating the end of our marriage. I don't really know how I feel about it I had a good cry earlier but now just feel numb, empty and completely devastated. I will not sit about the house today though and dwell on these feelings I am off to the hairdressers and then tonight a walk along the beach I think and a movie with my kids.

I realised this morning that I no longer count the weeks since he left yes the months but before I knew exactly how many weeks now I couldn't tell you. Actually I realised today that yesterday was a Wednesday, the day he left and usually I'd have dwelled on it and thought oh it's this many weeks but I didn't even think about it yesterday.

I was clearing out the spare bedroom yesterday and found a box of all the cards he has ever given me (I always kept things like that). They broke my heart and I sobbed until there was no more tears. He had written different wee things about how much he loves me and never wanted his life without me he couldn't imagine his life without me and how he would spend the rest of his life showing me how much he loved me! I cried for what I have lost and what could have been if only he chose sobriety. I believe he meant all these things but his addiction is stronger than his love for me as it controls him.

Today I have accepted that this is the only answer I will ever truly know and it's not that he doesn't love me but he loves alcohol more and as someone said in one of my other posts he has shown me for years who he truly is. There is no doubt there will still be days where I question what happened and why he chose alcohol over his wife and kids but today I accept that alcohol has too strong a hold over him. That realisation has somehow given me peace at least for today!!

Today I am grateful for that feeling of peace and will continue to take one day at a time.

Seren

I'm so sorry, Confused. Alcoholism is just so heartbreaking. Sending hugs and light your way today!

chicory

Confused,

I'm sure that this is a tough day for you, but you sound like you are feeling your feelings, and then continuing to move forward in your healing.

It's baffling to me that alcoholics often choose the drink over their loved ones. Shows how terrible this disease is, and until they know and admit they have this disease, they won't begin their recovery. Even after they do, who knows if they will choose to get well.

Your walk on the beach sounds wonderful. I hope this day brings you peace, and joy. At least, you know your day will be peaceful and as full of happiness as you wish it to be

big hugs

Pia

I had my anniversary end of May. I didn't know how I was going to feel but, I thought I will feel whatever I think.. .

I knew in the back of my head it was but, I thought will celebrate going forward that I get to start the beginning of a new life.

I hope this makes sense. waiting for the expresso shot to kick in. I can understand how you feel but dwelling on how he feels and he thinks will not do you any good.

I found out my AH didn't care about the anniversary he was more upset about his bday in June ( I didn't call him) than anniversary and we had been together for 13 years. So remember they don't think like we do.

Sending you hugs.

CodeJob

Confused, thanks for posting.

Hawkeye13

Big Hugs today confused.

You really are making progress so give yourself credit

Wish I could join you for a few laps on the beach--I lived in Galway for bit and miss the sea.

hopeful4

Confused, you are very in touch with your thoughts and feelings, that is a great thing. I told my kids and my XAH something a couple of weeks ago, and I really mean this. There were good times no one can take away. We had good family trips, all sorts of things. I will remember those good times forever, and I have let go of all the bad. It only hurts me to keep hold of those negative feelings. I've moved on and will carry the positive with me forever.

Big Hugs today!

dandylion

Confused---I understand how you are feeling, today. These anniversaries always seem to bring in a sweep of emotions. That good cry that you had over the cards....well, that this a part of the healing process.

Shall we have a cuppa while you decide what dress to wear out, tonight??

dandylion

Yurt

I have been dreading our anniversary, which will be coming up in August (22 years), and then I realized that I have been dreading our wedding anniversaries for the last 4-5 years anyways, since AH usually acts like an a$$ during that month. (His birthday is a week later, and so the whole month is stressful) This year, I think that I will make sure that I am very busy for the whole weekend. I'm sure that AH will want to get together, and use the occasion to try and get me to return. Sounds like a good time to get away for a few days.
So Confused, I think spending time with your kids is a fantastic idea.

Butterfly

Silly me thought he would say something do something to let me know he hadn't forgotten but no. I say silly me not because I'm putting myself down but because again I had unfounded hope!!

My day has actually been ok a few tears here and there but no sobbing my heart out and my hairdresser did a wonderful job and I got a head massage which was lovely and relaxing.

Unfortunately my kids have other arrangements for tonight with friends and girlfriend but I'm ok with that I'm glad they are happy and that this situation hasn't prevented them from living and being happy.

So I'm going to have a relaxing night watch a movie with lots of goodies and relax with a nice cup of tea.

No trying on dresses dandylion but tea sounds lovely

lillamy

Confused,

You will get to the point where your anniversary comes and passes without you noticing. True story. It happened to me.

You're over the hardest part. It gets easier with time. Scout's honors. (((hugs)))

POAndrea

Ouch. Reading your post helped me remember I have a wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. I guess I was trying to ignore that little fact, since the uncertainty, especially this year, of how it will be "celebrated" or not just ties my stomach up in knots. I 've been getting the nauseous, crampy butterflies worrying about any holiday for the past several years, and now that Himself is sober they're even worse. I know I shouldn't have higher expectations just because he isn't drinking, but somehow it's even more disappointing if what I'd hoped for doesn't happen. I guess I need to remind myself (again!) that they are my expectations, not his, and they come out of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and values, not his. And I'm gonna keep reminding myself until it works!

Butterfly

Thank you everyone for your messages it really helped me get through a difficult day.

AH texted me at 12.15am saying please don't think I'd forgotten I just didn't know what to say xx. I wanted to reply saying what is there to say sorry I lied and manipulated and made promises I knew I couldn't keep sorry for walking out on you and the kids for my own selfish reasons. But I didn't I just replied me neither don't really know why I replied suppose just to be polite. Of course I began to cry I was so upset.

Why would he text me that at that time. I spent hours thinking what has he thought about all day does he regret his decision and on and on and on. It doesn't matter what he's thinking but why send that at that time. I was feeling quite good when I went to bed then this!!

CodeJob

Hugs Confused. You did really well. I would cry too to have a marriage reduced to such a short text. But that is exactly why it is ending isn't it? It is going to be alright. Today is going to be better. Peace!

Butterfly

I suppose part of me deep down wants him to grow up and realise the path he's on isn't a good one and he seeks recovery and we can then work on my marriage. I love him but the rational and logical part of me recognises that enough is enough and the marriage is over even if he decides he doesn't want it to be. He says he still needs time to figure things out yeah right he wants to be on his own for a time and do what he wants no responsibilities and drink with no one controlling him. Thing is when I think my marriage is over I find it hard to accept I think I just need more time to work on me.

I just don't understand why he would text at that time in the morning when the day was over what purpose did it achieve apart from upsetting me!!

Butterfly

Meant our marriage!!

SparkleKitty

Perhaps he was drunk and feeling sentimental. Try not to let his thoughtlessness consume your day. Remember there is no logic when an active addiction is involved.

martina12

Hi Confused..meant to post yesterday as I knew it was your wedding anniversary and an emotional day for you...Work, kids and the England game got in the way so apologies!

I hope you are feeling slightly better today? I know what that numbness, emptiness and devastation feels like so want you to know you are not alone. Going to the hairdressers is a great boost to your self-esteem I must do that to soon too!

I can't look at the cards that my XAH sent me as it would also bring floods of tears but I suppose the tears are a sign of healing so any healing is good!

I think we have both bought the 'Language of Letting Go' I got the daily meditations edition..not sure if I should have bought the original version but todays meditation is summarised with reference to a Higher Power but as we may not all subscribe to this I have summarised as 'Help me place value on certain people. Guide me as I learn to develop healthy relationships with people and give me the freedom to experiment ,explore and learn who I am and who I can be in my relationships'

Hope this helps
Martina

CodeJob

I think Melody somewhere in that book also refers to accepting being in the in between. Honey, I live here in the 'in between." A whole lot of us do before finally getting jolted and have eventually learned enough that we actually CHANGE.

TGIF!

Butterfly

He called to collect my son today so they could watch the match he parked directly opposite the house and when I looked out I saw him. Again I burst into tears I just wanted him to come in and tell me he'd made a mistake and he would do whatever it took for me to have him home.

I think his text and seeing him today has completely floored me I thought I was doing ok thought if I did see him I'd be grand but now I know I wouldn't be. Will I ever reach the point where I could have a conversation with him or see him without crying because at the minute every text and even seeing him across the street breaks my heart and I find myself going over the questions in my head again over & over again!!