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Closure

Old 06-18-2014, 10:13 PM
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Closure

Not doing so good tonight. Very sad my axbf hasn't contacted me in nearly 5 weeks. I'm having a hard time figuring out what happened.

All the things he said, all the things he did to show how much he loved me, was it all a lie? I miss him so bad and I want him so bad but I don't....but I do...but I don't want to.

So many questions and no answer...I need some kind of closure. How do I get closure? Please help me get closure. I thought by forgiving him I would get closure because I do forgive his actions no matter how much it hurt. I don't want to carry hate and anger in my heart so I forgive. But it's not enough, I need to let him go. I don't know how.
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Old 06-19-2014, 06:00 AM
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How I let go is to plan each day, each hour, each minute with something else
and "reprogram" my free time with things I like, are good for me, are absorbing.

Everytime I catch myself thinking of the person, I make a conscious choice to refocus on
what I'm doing, or something happy from the past not related to the person.

Once a day, or a week, or month, I go ahead an fully feel the pain and grief and
cry or yell or whatever for a short time, and then I stop, wash my face, and return to my pre-scheduled day.

You will find the time you are thinking about him getting less and less as you do this.

When you are ready, during one of your grief sessions, make yourself an affirmation
which is about closure and forgiveness. Start saying it each time.

Reduce the grief sessions as you get stronger, and believe it or not, eventually you will
find peace and closure--not face to face like you wanted, but peace and the readiness to move forward.
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Old 06-19-2014, 06:11 AM
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All the things he said, all the things he did to show how much he loved me, was it all a lie?
He's sick, honey. He might have meant all of it, or it might have been the sickness. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and it's difficult for friends and family to suss out what's real and what was manipulation. Either way, you'll never know.

That's the only closure I ever got. The acceptance that it was sad, and also that it was over.

How I let go is to plan each day, each hour, each minute with something else
and "reprogram" my free time with things I like, are good for me, are absorbing.

Everytime I catch myself thinking of the person, I make a conscious choice to refocus on
what I'm doing, or something happy from the past not related to the person.
^^^ This.

Meditation became very important for me at this time. I had a counselor to teach me how to do it (because I thought it was stupid and I HATED it), and I meditated on acceptance and forgiveness a lot. It was as much about accepting myself and my past and present and forgiving myself for being here, as it was anything about him. One day it clicked and it worked.

So when I get overwhelmed with grief or anxiety -- or when I feel myself getting there -- I have this new tool to self-soothe and redirect my feelings. This and the forgiveness helped me find closure.

I also exercise a lot. I discovered biking a couple of years ago and try to go every day. I'm not even an athlete -- I'm an overweight smoker who really loves to indulge. I don't care, I love it. But this gets my blood pumping, gives me new things to be excited about, helps me meet new people, and gets me outdoors and out of my head. I highly recommend finding an activity you can do outside every day that is strenuous on the body.
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:15 AM
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A note on closure- many of the books I read talked about writing him a letter. Writing and rewriting a big old letter with everything I needed to say and share with him to get my closure. DON'T send it, just for you. I thought it sounded hokey, but I finally did it about 6 months ago. I didn't send it to him, but I gathered my few best girlfriends and sister together and read it to them, then burned some key things from my marriage (that I thought about in advance) to release more of my soul from him. More hokey stuff, I know. But it was so, so freeing, and while it was difficult to read to my friends, I put a lot of the awful stuff in there. I told them it was pretty graphic, but I needed them to hear it as clearly as I wrote it so they could keep me grounded in reality if I drifted. It's the best thing I did post-divorce!

I wasn't ready for almost a year. In my case it took that long for all of the years of escalating abuse to really become evident and for me to see how harsh it was on paper.

I just read it again a few days ago after not seeing it for a few months, and guess what? It sound utterly ridiculous. I would never accept that in my life. (Oh really???? Lol) Well, not again, I hope!

I still have bouts of anger, but I realize what people mean when they say the closure is internal and comes from you. It's not nearly as righteous, but it's much more powerful.

It's a long journey...but it will happen if you keep going.
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Old 06-19-2014, 11:06 AM
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Thank you soooo much for all your suggestions. I will try all of them. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I am soooo good at faking it at work, I am the most happiest and positive and peppiest around everybody. But by the end of the day I'm exhausted at keeping it in and acting happy it just hits we when I get home. Plus I'm not sleeping very well. Grrrrrrrr. So exercise, distraction, and meditation, not food right?
Hugggggggs to all of you who care enough about me to help me. Thank you.
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