BlueSkies1

If she could fix this on her own she would have avoided all this on her own. How is the same mind that made the decisions to cheat and drive drunk with a kid in the car and hit a police car capable of suddenly making good decisions?
I wouldn't hesitate to point that out to her.
Go ahead and tell her trust is now broken. Trusting her is the last thing you are going to do right now, with your marriage, with a vehicle, with your child, and certainly nothing that comes out of her mouth! Only SHOW ME WITH ACTIONS.

Let her rot in jail until they let her out. She obviously needs very badly to realize just how low she has sunk. More time in jail, more maybe it will sink in what she has done.

I commend you for taking the hard stance and insisting on some kind of rehab program and that you take legal custody of the children.

The biggest problem I see with the enabler spouses is being a softy. Then they just continue to repeat their bad behaviors. You sound like a no-nonsense type of guy. Keep that up!

Put those kids first and you. She comes last until she proves herself over the course of a LONG TIME.

eliza24

I'm sure a lot of people would disagree but if it was just her drinking and lying about it that's a normal thing for someone who can't quite admit they're an alcoholic, the cheating thing is different... In my opinion. It's one thing to be out wasted a make a mistake like that but even then after 8 years of marriage and two kids it should be a huge red flag, but to be emailing somebody while at home with your family is not acceptable and you obviously do not deserve that. I would absolutely do whatever you can to get her into rehab as I'm sure you care deeply for her and that way she will be safe and not putting herself or your children in danger. But I do believe a divorce is the best thing for YOU. Who knows, maybe one day when she's sober you guys can go on a date but you need to look out for yourself because now you're the one who has to be mentally stable for your family and you don't need any extra pain if you can avoid it. I'm so so sorry to hear this has all happened... I don blame your wife for her actions, I've put my significant other through hell with my drinking and there were times he should have left me but it was all addiction for me, never infidelity.


Hope to hear from you often.

readerbaby71

I'm kind of surprised that the people at the summer camp let your son get in the car with her if she was passed out. I think sticking to your guns on the rehab or move out idea is key. I am so sorry this is happening. Take good care of you and your children. HUGS to you.

dandylion

ScubaDad--I can see, that under these circumstances, temporary custody is the way to protect them. If she is still wanting to "do it myself"...she sounds like she is still in lots of denial. Alcoholism is called the disease of denial.

The universe is going to supply her with a lot more reality feedback.

So, you have gotta do what you gotta do.

I wish you strength for what you are going through.

dandylion

hopeful4

What RB said! Why did the people at camp let her drive the child?? That's awful!

Bullfrog

I will say, though, from your last post, that she unbelievably has not hit her bottom. She has to get it. She has to want rehab for it to make any difference. The disease WILL progress, and get even so much worse. And hitting a police car while drunk with her kids? That's just... Wow. It's pretty bad if that's not her bottom.

If it were me, I would make the decision to abandon ship and save myself and my kids in a lifeboat. I had to do that last year, and I'm so thankful that I made the decision.

Katchie

My AH always thought he could do it alone too. He also thought AA and "those" places were where the bag people go, and he isn't like the bag people living under bridges! He was very wrong, he couldn't do it alone. He didn't go to rehab but he did go to AA and other things. I think not wanting to go to rehab or AA is a way to try and keep it hidden, to remain in denial of the enormous problem and addiction it really is. I fell for it a couple of times only to be shortly reminded he couldn't do it alone.

biminiblue

((hug))

You are doing the right things. Good for you for putting your children first.

Hawkeye13

I grew up with an alcoholic mother
You are doing the right thing to protect your children from that now that you know.

Don't let her talk you around or minimize.
What she did could have killed them and herself.
That's not a rational mind talking--that's an addict.
She may think she means what she says, but I'm an alcoholic too
and I can tell you that unless she walks the walk
don't believe a word she says or promises.

Actions over time are the only thing to believe.

Get temporary custody and show her by your actions you mean this.



It is hard, but may be the best thing for everyone, including her.

Fandy

the counselors at your child's summer camp might be required by state law to report her. She is endangering the welfare of her children and others. passed out in the car drunk while coming to pick up kids...I suggest that you get to an attorney now, because there might be some visits from social services regarding your children's care.

you want to have all your ducks in a row with this. She would be facing some very serious charges in my state.

I'm glad that your kids are safe, this could have been such a tragedy. She doesn't care enough to keep her children safe, how many times had she driven them drunk in the past?

Florence

My STBXAH drove drunk every day for several years. I had no idea about the clandestine drinking. I thought he was depressed and had sleeping problems -- he did, due to alcoholism. When I found out what was really going on (I too found a LARGE stash of vodka bottles) my head spun.

You have a clear mind here, probably due to your family experience with AA and Al-Anon. You know what to do. Consider letting her twist in the wind a little -- like not rescuing her from jail or the law -- not because you want to punish her, but because her actions have consequences, and putting your children in danger like this is 100% unacceptable.

For a long time, this was my litmus test:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It became very helpful to consider this advice when I dind't know how or whether to help my STBXAH when he was in a crisis.

lillamy

You are doing the right thing.
And you are smart to be doing it now.

You will have the support of the legal system (for God's sake get yourself a divorce lawyer and don't waste money on a her DUI legal defense) in getting temporary custody of the kids while she figures out what to do.

Stick to your guns. Seriously. Your instinct to leave her in jail was a good one. Stick to those good instincts, because the longer you accept living with an actively drinking alcoholic, the more those instincts go away and you start accepting the unacceptable.

Chin up. You're protecting your children, and that's the people you're supposed to protect.

m1k3

((((hugs)))), I know this has to be hell. You have been given some great advice and I am going to repeat the get a lawyer now advice. This is for you and the kids, not her and her accident.

Not only has she been totally reckless with her behaviour but she has crossed a line where now the state is involved. This has legal ramifications for not only her but you and your children as well. Only a lawyer will be able to explain what might happen, how to minimize the damage and how to protect your children.

I don't know the law but you could be putting yourself at legal risk by doing some things that seem totally innocent. You have just entered a whole new world.

I wish you the best in this. For me al-anon was a life saver. Check it out.

Posting and reading here is a huge help as well. It's good to know you are not alone.

One other thing to keep in mind with her drinking/disease and that is the 3 C's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Your friend,

Neeko123

I learned that my ex boyfriend was hiding an alcohol addiction. If they are very good at hiding it, it can be very difficult to tell that they are drinking. He would sneak drinks of vodka from his kitchen freezer when I was not looking. We both have children from previous marriages.

He was driving all of us around while he had been drinking. I didn't know the signs. When I found out his secret, I broke up with him the next day. He admitted to drinking and driving. I couldn't have my daughter and I around an active alcoholic.

He tried to guilt me into staying with him, saying that if you really love someone you will stick with them and help them. Really what he was saying was that he thought I would fix all of his problems for him. He didn't care about getting help for himself and becoming healthy for his children.

A month later he decided to drink and drive with his children in the car. Luckily he was pulled over, received a DWI, went to jail for a week, had his car seized, and is now living with his parents. I am glad I got out of that situation. Think about yourself and your children. Do not take any chances. Do not enable. Seek help for yourself. This is a very fragile time right now for her because she will be embarrassed and not able to handle her feelings, so she will want to drink to numb that.

tomsteve

I would strongly suggest NOT having the option of either. make it move out.period. ya got yourself and youngens to take care of.

please tell her I said good luck with her plans to fix this. her plans got her where she is and they aint gonna help much.
same happened for me. my plans for stopping drinkin and fixin my life didn't work for crap.i kept gettin drunk and everything got worse.
wasn't until I used the plans of others- others that had gotten sober- that I started seeing results.
please tell her im praying for her as well for you.

redatlanta

Oh Boy.

Hold steadfast to your plans. I am sorry to say I agree with the poster that she will be drinking again in the not too distant future. This woman would never, ever have an opportunity to be around the children ever again by herself until she had completed significant recovery.

"Her own plan" WHAT-EVA.

She's been cheating on you with someone else and the bottle. Endangering the lives of your kids and other innocents cause this ain't the first time she ever drove drunk - its just the first time she's been caught.

Some people don't have a bottom. Long road for her and you. I am sorry to say that demanding her to go to rehab is an exercise in futility. She will have to find that desire herself.

Lawyer up. Protect yourself and your kids. I am not suggesting you decide to divorce her today, rather you take the reigns and do whatever necessary to protect yourself and your children until more is revealed.....because it will be daily.

Sorry my friend. Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. We are all here for you.

GracieLou

This is true!

I agree. She is not at the bottom yet if she thinks she can fix it and does not want help.

Take care of yourself and your children. Do what is best for them and for you.

Hammer

SD, have to say you are beating my slow ass around the track . . . so all I can say is

GO, DAD, GO!

Really.

AnvilheadII

IF she was truly repenetent and had "seen the light" and understood the gravity of how her selfish acts endangered the very LIVES of her children, she'd be begging and pleading for any and all HELP she could get!!! she'd be talking with her insurance and trying to find the nearest available rehab with a bed open.

but instead, it's still all about her. she doesn't GET IT. i'm afraid rehab won't fix her because she is not open, humble and willing to accept the help.

man i don't envy you, one bit. but i am so very encouraged with your attitude and priorities! i am also appalled that the camp personnel allowed your child to get in that car when they couldn't even wake her up at first. that's unfathomable.

stay strong. don't be swayed by her crocodile tears and woe is me schtick. hiding liquor bottles in the kids room? having an ongoing affair? driving around blind ass drunk? yeesh. how would you handle this if it was anyone else except your wife?

ScubaDad

She has agreed to go to rehab. Not sure if she means it or is just doing this because I am so done with this. Kids are safe at summer camps, will pick them up this evening. We have a 2pm session with her therapist. She is calling around now to find a rehab center. There is an 8pm alanon meeting near my house. My parents will stay with her and the kids. Her license is revoked, not sure of the court date. Car is in an impound lot, $245 to get it out. $500 bond to get her out of jail.

I will call an attorney about temp custody this afternoon or tomorrow.

I feel weird about sharing all of this. thank you for responding.