Worried0810

I handed in my notice at work today. I finish up next Wednesday after 3 years and 4 months of working there. I'm sad about leaving my friends and I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. I really don't like my job!
I feel really scared instead. I'm moving next week and I got a call back about the job. They want a second interview but it's not possible for me to drive there and back for a job that I might not get - largely because of money and the boss is asking for a lot of effort for a £7 an hour job. She wants a presentation so I can offer to make one and send it to her.
In better news - a job agency called me up with offers of work so I can get a temp job when I move.
And although this is what I want, and I'm moving forward and having my second chance - I feel conflicted and almost depressed. I'm leaving friends behind and I'm leaving XABF behind. I haven't told him and he will not know until he pays me the money he owes me. But I feel like this is it. Even though I have no interest in a reconciliation with him, when I move, then that is it. There is no chance at all, and I probably will never see him again. It doesn't make me upset but I feel really low about it. And I'm frustrated as to why. Why am I sad about leaving a man that I've separated from and who doesn't even know my plans?!
Also, when do you stop feeling like you need to please them? XABF wants to meet over the weekend and I know that it's a bad idea to meet him. But part of me wants to meet him so that I'm not letting him down. What?! He let me down so many times without even batting an eyelid so why should I care if I let him down? He wants to meet to just talk and see me, nothing else, but I know that he will just start quacking basically. But also the place he wants to meet does amazing sandwiches - I would kill for a sandwich from there :P I told him that I was quite busy but that I would get back to him.
I know I'm doing the right thing but it feels so overwhelming now! I had it all planned out and now suddenly those plans have been brought 3 weeks closer and this time next week, I will have celebrated my last day of working! I should be screaming my joy from the rooftops but I just want to curl into a ball right now and hope that everything good and bad just goes away :/

hopeful4

O sweetie, hugs. I hear your anxiety. We get comfortable and even when we know changes will be good, its still scary. You can do this. If you want a sandwich get one to go, dont fall for quacking. Remember that you deserve more and your going to make that happen. We are here with you my friend.

Worried0810

Thanks It's just all happening so fast now, I think that us what scares me! But it'll be amazing, and I'll be happy down there Part of me just can't believe that it is all happening really.
I just feel bad about XABF. Even though we are over, I still worry about him and now
I'm moving, there's no chance at all. It's done! And that scares me too. But I don't know why :/

meggem

I have a first appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. My RAH has been out of rehab for 7 months and while not using, he is still the same person. There was an event during a family vacation last week that drew the line in the sand for me. I feel guilty. I feel like I owe him something. I feel bad for him. But I know I cannot live this way anymore. And I know since 2006 he has made my life a living hell. He is begging, insulting, berating, bargaining, sulking, understanding and blaming in a rotation. Everytime I catch myself looking ahead and getting freaked out about something, I stop myself and focus on the present moment. Every time I get spooked with a "what if" I stop myself and focus on the present moment. Every time I think "Maybe I should..." I stop myself.

I think of alllllllll the times. I think of allllll the same things I have heard and ask myself - do you really think it is going to get better? And if you do, are you willing to gamble the mental and physical well being of my children (5 and 2) - No. I'm not. There will be a next time. I know there will be a next time. And one of those next times might be a time that I will not have the choices that I have now. Am I willing to take that chance? No way. Just focus on what is right in front of you. If you go to far out, you will freak yourself out.

Praying

Argh. For me, with a couple years of amazing therapy, with a year of almost no contact, with continual let-downs on behalf of the kids, with him showing mostly only his true abusive colors, with me learning that I deserve more and shouldn't take poor behavior from anyone, with me learning I am too giving, trusting, and forgiving... I still catch myself sometimes. I don't like being viewed as "not a good person" or whatever...can't stand being thought of as cold, mean or selfish.

I catch myself when I ask...WHO is it that will think I am these bad things? When I'm forced to answer that with... the guy who has no morals and manipulates me at every turn to hurt me and please himself... I stop. It works with all the other people out there too. Deciding who is worthy of my efforts, and recognizing that some people aren't... was a big step for me. But the urge to please is often still there!

On the other hand, people who are good at loving me smile and rejoice when I don't fall into the pattern of pleasing him. Another gauge of what's "right" in the universe.

Hugs! You're doing great things! Let the anxiety fuel you, it's at least good for that.