A glimpse into the future?
 

Hi...I think about all you young ladies going through hell right now a lot. Mostly I think you will "get there when you get there" because that is how it worked for me.

When I met Ward I already had the Beav. Ward played sports..Softball (bar), racquetball (bar), football (loaded with testosterone trip to the bar). Of course there was Happy Hour and Lunch on Saturdays at the bar. Oh I almost forgot Football on Sunday at the bar and horseshoes at the filling station with/keg. There were bar fights, he kicked a guy's ass for lighting my cigarette once and another for asking me to dance. He once passed out at dinner with friends...at the table...in the restaurant!

Ward has a very sharp tongue and it gets put to it's best use when someone gets in his face. Of course I did that all the time. I have been called pretty much every name in the book. And I can give as good as I get...at least I used to. Really ugly.

I cried myself to sleep, I tried to get him to "be" with me instead of going to the bar, I watched out windows, I called the bar, I went with him when I could...but I was the one who needed the sitter. I played designated driver...even from our wedding reception.

In his hay day he almost burned down a house, filled another with smoke, crashed two coffee tables, wrecked a few cars and has gotten one DUI.

Did I mention that the Beav was around through all of this? He is an alcoholic who is in jail and not all that close to stopping the party.

I went into recovery and the rest is history. I stopped the behaviors and he got older along with changing in response to my changing. Those changes took years...like 10...and a lot of hard work on my part.

We no longer fight...he merely passes out every night in his chair. He is home..not at the bar..but I am still alone. Times have changed since we were younger and drinking and driving is a much more serious offense...I think that has a lot to do with him drinking at home.

Anyway I am not typing this to push recovery...my question is this. If you can see my life as your future would you stay?

I still think recovery is important so the same mistakes are not repeated in future relationships...but is my life, albeit calm...what you want for yours?

Huge Hugs!
JT

Wow. Thanks JT. I truly wish for my Lori some of the serenity and peace you have worked so hard for. I know that my recovery program has saved my ass the last few days. Without it, I surely would have found a way to give up.
Prayers for the Beav and your family JT.

Yep Dan...I have worked hard and I have achieved a good bit of peace...but in hindsite I can sure think of alot of better ways to have spent the last 23 years!!

Yep.

That was eloquent JT.

(((((( JT!!!! )))))))

JT-

I think you did what worked for you no more no less. You have learned alot and you pass it on to others. If I was 20 and read your post I might change my mind about a lot of things. I am not so I look to you and others here for strenghth and support and I get it. Who knows how it changes the younger ones minds. Maybe we will hear from them about it. Am I more peacfull now because of my age? Or, did I finally just get some sence? Either way I am happier now...

I'm not one of the "young" ladies, JT, as you well know, LOL, and my A is my son, but I wanted to tell you that this truly is an eloquent post.

And, although my situation is different, my recovery is also about 10 years, and even though I might wish that most of those years had been better spent, I have no regrets because what I have been through is what brought me to what I have today.

But knowing what I know now, I would never let myself walk that path again.

Hugs
Ann

Splendra...there is certainly that...the age thing. I would sure hate to see myself still doing those things now! Crying myself to sleep today cause a whole series of facial events that require a sick day!

Hi Ann!!

I am pretty sure that the next 23 years of my life are going to be pretty cool. And you are right...maybe I had to do all of that to be here.

As was pointed out on a thread in RAPS...living WITH active addiction while trying to work on yourself can be precarious if not impossible.

That is so awesome JT! Hopefully, others will see your experiance as a ray of hope! *hugs*

JT -
Great post ! I have been where you have been. Long, hard road - huh? I certainly have no where near the experience you have in recovery but I understand what you're saying.

I pray everyday that people find recovery earlier than I did. When I look back on my life, there are so many regrets. I'm working to make sure that I won't add to that list.
L

That was awesome JT. I came to an alcoholic marriage at the age of 50 and stayed 7 years. I think that my age and experience with life is what actually helped me out of that life. I could not stand to think of the balance of my life being spent that way. I think that when we are young that we don't understand that we can't make everything come out right if only we try hard enough. We all need to learn life's lessons in our own way and in our own time frame. It is too bad that we don't listen better to other's experiences and face the realities of what lies ahead. There are certainly success stories and I am so happy for those of you who are part of those stories. But, for most of us, those stories don't have fairy tale endings. We either decide to be as happy as we can be in the alcoholic relationship or we find ourselves unable to do that and either remain miserable or find a way to get out and start over. JT, I pray that just one person who reads your post is able to learn from your experiences. Even though I already know that I did the right thing for me by leaving, your post just confirmed it. Thanks so much for sharing.

Hugs, Jo

((((JT))))

What a wonderful and honest post you just made. It's only when I become honest with myself that I can reach recovery. In doing my 4 th Step work I realized that I stayed in part for security. By the time I got into recovery I was not what employers wanted age wise. By grace I also realized that the holes in my head just fit the horns in his. I still work the Al-Anon program on a daily basis simply because my emotional, mental, and spiritual life depends on it. I know in my head and my heart that I would have just gone out and found another alcoholic to rescue. I also know that sick seeks sick. Since I entered my marriage with all the wrong tools and all the wrong reasons, I now will do what I can to make amends in that regard by working at becoming the person I believe my H.P. wants me to be.

Regrets, I mostly have let go of, for as I understand it, they serve no purpose in my recovery. I realize today that I could never empathize with anyone walking through a garbage dump if I had never been there myself. Therefore I believe I have walked exactly the path necessary for me to get to where my H.P. wants and needs me to be in order than I can be of service to Him and others as I walk this path ahead of me.

I also believe that you carry such a strong and wonderful message because you have been there and have come out on the other side.

You wear your recovery so beautifully JT and it looks so wonderful on you.

Thank you for sharing your recovery here on SR. You not only give hope to those who are living with active alcoholism but hope to those who choose to follow another path. You truly are working for the solution for yourself and I know how hard it is to get out of the problem of alcoholism that we suffer the effects of.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil

JT,

Thank you so much for the post. It helps me take this into perspective, not only for my current relationship but in the future when I encounter men who have problems with alcohol.

I want to share my life with someone and have them totally be there for me (who doesn't).


Thank you again,
giz (age 26)

(Blush)

I guess my post took a different turn than what I intended. Or maybe I wanted some of the younger folks to see that us geezers have been there too. And then too Thread's have a life of their own sometimes.

My point was, I think, that if I knew then...23 years ago...that I would be living today with a man that passed out in his chair every night, I am not sure I would have stayed. And if I hadn't fixed myself I just would have found another one.

We are affected whether we are ready to admit it or not. When I met Ward I wasn't ready. I became ready after my son had been affected just like alot of us Mom's. We don't see what we are living in until HP puts our hands closer and closer to the fire.

Hugs,
JT

JT,
Thanks for sharing. I don't know if I'm one of the young ones (36), but I think I read your post how you meant it. If I knew for sure, this minute, that in twenty years that's what I'd be living with--then no, I don't think I could stay knowing that was my destiny. But, if I stay and get through the worst of it and MY recovery keeps on track, my AH passing out quietly in a recliner every night might be just about enough excitement.:) I guess what it comes down to is your definition of serenity.
I think I would be a little sad that it turned out that way--as you are, yes?
I think you sound like you need a hug, (((((((JT)))))))
Paula

I have gotten to a point where I understand what the next 20 or 30 years of my life will be like if I stay with Jack. He is an addict. Most days he's clean. Some days he's not. While his addiction doesn't define our relationship, it definitely plays a significant part.

If I were to leave, do I have enough recovery to keep from ending up with another substance abuser? I doubt it. Two years isn't very long compared with 30+ years of codependency. But can I find serenity with Jack, knowing relapse may always be a part of his life? Some days I have it. Some days I don't. But that's a reflection of where I am with my recovery, not where he is with his. I will admit though, sometimes it does seem I'm choosing to make things a little more difficult than they need to be. ;)

Paula,

Sometimes a little sad and of course I will always take a hug! Very astute.... and the very point I was aiming at.

Living long term with an alcoholic or addict is a hard choice to make. It takes constant work on our part to be even minimally happy. We cannot count on them to meet our needs much less our expectations. Dreams??? Not even.

We are thrust into a position of having to be responsible for our own needs and dreams. The guy on the white horse is passed out or at the bar.

Hugs,
JT

I stayed too long!!!!!!!!! After 19 years I fianlly did it. If you have young children get out while they and you are young. If you are hiding the drinking from the kids you can not do it forever. Mine went sober the day I told him I wanted a divorce. It was too late by then. However, ever with him sober I will not let him come back, no way. I am happy and thats what counts. Ther is not a time when I think to myself " wish he was here".

I still think recovery is important so the same mistakes are not repeated in future relationships...but is my life, albeit calm...what you want for yours?

Thing is, is HAD you have divorced him, is there any guarantee that you would still not be in a similar position now, just with husband #2?

Or, would you have done what others have done (raises hand here) and dumped the hubby, experience serenity, figure your healed because you don't have the problem around anymore and then had to do the whole thing again anyways? Found a workaholic or a foodaholic or some such to replace the alkie?

Perhaps where you are is pretty good when seen in another light?