A glimpse into the future?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by JT
(Blush)
I guess my post took a different turn than what I intended. Or maybe I wanted some of the younger folks to see that us geezers have been there too. And then too Thread's have a life of their own sometimes.
My point was, I think, that if I knew then...23 years ago...that I would be living today with a man that passed out in his chair every night, I am not sure I would have stayed. And if I hadn't fixed myself I just would have found another one.
We are affected whether we are ready to admit it or not. When I met Ward I wasn't ready. I became ready after my son had been affected just like alot of us Mom's. We don't see what we are living in until HP puts our hands closer and closer to the fire.
Hugs,
JT
I guess my post took a different turn than what I intended. Or maybe I wanted some of the younger folks to see that us geezers have been there too. And then too Thread's have a life of their own sometimes.
My point was, I think, that if I knew then...23 years ago...that I would be living today with a man that passed out in his chair every night, I am not sure I would have stayed. And if I hadn't fixed myself I just would have found another one.
We are affected whether we are ready to admit it or not. When I met Ward I wasn't ready. I became ready after my son had been affected just like alot of us Mom's. We don't see what we are living in until HP puts our hands closer and closer to the fire.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
Heh. you've answered my question in a way without even answering it. I have to focus on myself and my own healing and allow him the priveledge of doing his own or not doing it. Darn it! I want to get in there and stuff.
When does the line get crossed between helping someone out and rescuing?
When does the line get crossed between helping someone out and rescuing?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Originally Posted by Taira
I still think recovery is important so the same mistakes are not repeated in future relationships...but is my life, albeit calm...what you want for yours?
Thing is, is HAD you have divorced him, is there any guarantee that you would still not be in a similar position now, just with husband #2?
Or, would you have done what others have done (raises hand here) and dumped the hubby, experience serenity, figure your healed because you don't have the problem around anymore and then had to do the whole thing again anyways? Found a workaholic or a foodaholic or some such to replace the alkie?
Perhaps where you are is pretty good when seen in another light?
Thing is, is HAD you have divorced him, is there any guarantee that you would still not be in a similar position now, just with husband #2?
Or, would you have done what others have done (raises hand here) and dumped the hubby, experience serenity, figure your healed because you don't have the problem around anymore and then had to do the whole thing again anyways? Found a workaholic or a foodaholic or some such to replace the alkie?
Perhaps where you are is pretty good when seen in another light?
To answer your other question, I think helping is when they ask for it and you agree to support them up to a certain point. Rescuing is helping them when they don't ask for it and you do way more for them than you should, with no boudaries in place. How do you know when it's too much? When you start getting angry and resentful that they aren't doing things the way you want them to..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 14
Beautifully written JT. I chose to stay long ago because I could justify it with the fact that we had had many more good years than bad ones. As the bad ones added up one on top of the other, he managed to string along another 5 good years. So, I stayed thinking that we were on the road to better times. Since then, the years have not been so kind and now I find myself facing reality. The time spent with this man may never be any better than it is right now - sad and lonely. I'm having difficulty accepting this fact, but I know that I must if I am to move on. I'm grateful for the things he brought into my life, like my children and many good memories and I guess that I have to quit second guessing why he was put into my life. I'm trying to find peace with what I have and where I am today. Not easy, but getting easier every day.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by journeygal
But can I find serenity with Jack, knowing relapse may always be a part of his life?
Some days I have it. Some days I don't. But that's a reflection of where I am with my recovery, not where he is with his. I will admit though, sometimes it does seem I'm choosing to make things a little more difficult than they need to be.
Some days I have it. Some days I don't. But that's a reflection of where I am with my recovery, not where he is with his. I will admit though, sometimes it does seem I'm choosing to make things a little more difficult than they need to be.
JourneyG,
wow. Those are some of the things I have wondered about this relationship.
I am SO GRATEFUL to of found this board, in my time of need. I read so much on here, all the personal stories and insights make me feel so much stronger.
Thank you!
giz
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
(((JT)))
I too wondered before Alanon how a person could be healthy, be in recovery and be happy even if their SO never got clean and sober. Thanks to you and others that have done it, there is hope for me too. I too came to the conclusion that even if I ended my relationship w/ my h, I woud still be the same sick person. Everywhere I go, there I am. It took me 3 long term relationships, one divorce and 4 kids later to realize that I have a crazy pattern w/ relationships. So, this time, instead of looking at it like before (the grass being greener on the other side), I decided that I had a choice to make- either accept that I may or may not ever see the day when he completely quits, or I go in the other direction. I am with him today because I realized from people like you that I have choices.
Thanks for sharing this!
-SFG29
I too wondered before Alanon how a person could be healthy, be in recovery and be happy even if their SO never got clean and sober. Thanks to you and others that have done it, there is hope for me too. I too came to the conclusion that even if I ended my relationship w/ my h, I woud still be the same sick person. Everywhere I go, there I am. It took me 3 long term relationships, one divorce and 4 kids later to realize that I have a crazy pattern w/ relationships. So, this time, instead of looking at it like before (the grass being greener on the other side), I decided that I had a choice to make- either accept that I may or may not ever see the day when he completely quits, or I go in the other direction. I am with him today because I realized from people like you that I have choices.
Thanks for sharing this!
-SFG29
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Originally Posted by JT
(Blush)
And if I hadn't fixed myself I just would have found another one.
And if I hadn't fixed myself I just would have found another one.
AMEN SISTER. And THAT, my friends, is precisely why I am still here. I do not want to keep repeating my relationships. I'd like to have healthy ones! I'd like to be able to attract healthy people into my life instead of always gravitating towards the "dandy little fixer upper" I spot across the room.
Hugs and love
Barb
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