Patticakes

Well much has changed since my last post of Tired and ready to give up. I knew in my heart the last incidents and abusive words and threats would be the last straw. SO hard to wrap my mind around what happened so fast but took more than a year to get to that point.

My AH is now out of the house. He has been out for two weeks and has been drinking non-stop, calling my neighbor asking him to bring him more booze every night. He lost his job due to nasty and rambling messages to his boss. Details are not important...he was hell bent on destroying everything in his life. His family has come to the rescue and picked up the broken pieces and have taken him with them out of state. God knows I hope their support and direction will move him in a direction he was absolutely NOT going living in the same house with me.

I detached, I left SO MANY bottles where I found them doing my best to just get out of his way and let him run that train to the bottom of his track. He just got more and more angry and drank more and more heavily until I no longer felt safe to be in the same house with him. Locking myself in the bedroom at night and leaving for LONG weekends to avoid the turmoil that followed the drinking. He may have not hit his bottom, but I sure did mine. I can't live my life like that anymore.

So the next year will have it's challenges and struggles I have no doubt. As much as I KNOW I have done the only thing I could my heart still breaks. I miss the man I once knew. The man who worked hard at his program, was caring, and loving, giving and humble. My heart breaks that after his years of sobriety picking up that FIRST drink was ever worth the risk to him. WHY???? I will never understand that choice to pick up that first drink when he KNOWS what hell follows.

I still love the man I know is buried some where deep under the layers of darkness and I will forever miss him. I cry every day and every night. He still fills my dreams as I sleep. It is such a strange combination of feelings to love and fear a man in the same breath.

I know it has only been a couple of weeks apart.... but I long for the day my heart does not feel like it is ripping in half. What an ugly disease this alcoholism is. It robs us of joy, love, peace, hope. So incredibly sad that SO MANY people suffer pain due to this nasty, ugly disease.

Sending my love and prayers to all of you who are suffering the same pain. Wishing us all days of healing hearts and souls and future days to be filled with joy, love, peace and hope once again.

Blueskies25

I still love the man I know is buried some where deep under the layers of darkness and I will forever miss him. I cry every day and every night. He still fills my dreams as I sleep. It is such a strange combination of feelings to love and fear a man in the same breath.

^^^ this is the saddest, most eloquent statement. I felt like that too, but less so now. Am sending you such huge hugs. It will not be easy but stay strong and be kind to yourself.

lillamy

Lots of love to you, friend. It's a hard thing to have to do.

I can tell you for sure that you will heal. For the first year after I left AXH, I had a whole bunch of SR quotes on my fridge. One of them was: "It won't always feel like this."

So that's what I'd like to tell you, too. It won't always feel like this. There will be better days and there will be worse days as you go forward. But the good days will more and more outweigh the bad ones, as long as you keep moving forward.

Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to things you enjoy -- food, foot baths, walks in the woods, that fancy Starbucks drink that you wouldn't normally feel you can afford. It's important that you remember that his downfall in no way reflects badly on you.

Hugs. And keep posting.

hopeful4

I read this yesterday and think it's appropriate to post here. "You have to deal with what is, not what you wish it might become." I saw that on Dr. Laura's site yesterday. A friend follows her on FB, I don't normally pay attention but that one struck me because so many of us say how the addict in our lives is this wonderful person when sober, blah, blah. The reality is, they are no longer that same person and we have to deal in the NOW.

This year will be a challenge, however, I bet you will find the same thing I did. The challenges are not nearly as many as when you were together. I too would pack up the kids and do basically anything to get out of the house, if he was drunk or sober. The eggshells I was walking on was making me a miserable and unstable person.

Keep your boundaries firm. Try to move forward and enjoy some life. Be kind to you. His family will tire of him and try to get you involved again, or that is what I saw. I also saw bitterness from them when I refused, which hurt me at first, but eh...they know the truth, so do I.

Tight Hugs. Thank you for the update.

Take Care!

Patticakes

Oh goodness.... these are the words I needed to hear at this exact moment! Lillamy and Hopeful!!

"You have to deal with what is, not what you wish it might become." Ain't THAT the TRUTH!!?? THIS is going on my fridge tonight!!!

HUGS back to you both!!!

hopeful4

Glad it struck you in the same way it struck me. I actually saved the pic of the saying b/c I knew I would refer back to it again.

Be strong my friend, you can do this!

XXX

Butterfly

I am very sorry for what you are going through and I understand how you feel!

It will slowly get easier day by day. You will have good days and bad days but your heart begins to hurt less. My AH left me 3 months ago and compared to where I was when it first happened I am on a better place now I am beginning to function again.

Take it one day at a time if you feel like crying cry, keep a journal of your recovery, thoughts and feelings, it does help and do things for yourself go for a walk have a relaxing bath anything that you enjoy or that you use to enjoy but weren't able to continue with it.

Take care and look after you