Got drunk and had a breakdown.
 

almost a week ago. I have stopped beating myself up about it and am ready to move on. I know it happened partly because of the anger, disappointment and pain I've felt since my BF's relapse. I could not sit with those feelings anymore and chose to numb out. He's not drinking now. It scared the shi!t out of him and me.

What a huge mistake. I could have ended up in the hospital or dead. I went to my Shambhala meditation group last night and realized I was clinging so tightly to the idea of this perfect relationship that I literally lost my mind. Well, that and I should never, ever drink because of the interactions with the meds I take. I know attachment is part of being human, but why can't I just be f*cking normal? Why do I put myself through such a struggle?

Anyway, thank you for listening. Gentleness is appreciated.

Nothing is normal about loving an alcoholic. Sometimes we become just as sick as they are, it is called many things but for me it was codependency and a form of addiction to my xbf. The idea of a perfect relationship I agree, does make us feel we have lost our mind. I don't beleive there is such thing as a perfect relationship, but, With a healthy relationship I am hoping we can feel normal. Yes , be gentle with yourself.

Good job at turning it around again. We never know how many chances we will get.

Have you considered AlAnon? I know it really helped me be able to create separation between my psyche and that of others. For addictive people, relationships can be painfully enmeshed. AlAnon and AA together are good complementary programs.

((hug))

Here's a big hug and a warm fuzzy truckload of gentleness coming your way.

I'm so sorry that lie popped into your head, and you believed it (as we all have at times)...don't let the good of what you've achieved so far be reduced by this. You had a good foundation, you can move forward through learning from this.

Big hugs.xx

O RB...you are normal. What does that even mean? If you never mess up at anything, if you did not have wants, needs, meaning, that would not be normal. See it for what it is, get back up and move forward. That's the only choice.

So you are not perfect. Do you know anyone who is? You have been under lots of stress, give yourself a break.

We are here for you. Hold tight.

XXX

I have been been clinging to the dream also baby. I do not drink but have been addicted to an alcoholic abuser. Taking his abuse with the excuse that he has a disease that he is "working" on recovering from....not recognising that he wasnt holding up his end of the bargain. only doing the bare minimum. I lost my dignity and have been stuck on how I have returned his abuse with my own. I was trying to take the blame for him and didnt even realise it! I decided last night to pick co dependent no more and started reading the chapter on acceptance! Today I realise the only person I owe amends to is myself. My abuser excelled at bringing me down to that level to make himself feel better...I was fully aware of what he was doing...and I let him. If you can, read this. It changed my whole perspective! Sorry you are struggleing. But good things can come from bad!

Hugs RB!

I don't believe in normal anymore, we are all just human with our successes and failures trying to make a better world for ourselves.

So you slipped. Dust yourself off, learn something from this, and move beyond it. You're going to be just fine.

Xoxo

It sounds like you may be human RB! Look after yourself.

((((HUGS)))) It's not about how you fall down, it's about how you pick yourself back up again. I'm sorry it's been such a rocky road for you both lately, but it sounds like you also had some great awarenesses bubble up as a result so that's a kind of progress in & of itself.

Dust yourself off, today is a new day! :shine8pl:

Heck RB,

You have made a lot of changes and have been under quite a bit of stress and uncertainty. You come here and think we are going to beat you up?

Next time ring me up and we'll talk books. Much better topic than men anyway. Not being an A I cannot keep up with you, but I can sit there and look bemused. I have a lot of practice at that!

Have you read Wild by Cheryl Strayed? The movie is coming on I think in Dec. It is pretty good. The movie will hopefully be good too.

Hugs.

Like you, I belong to both sides of the street and I know firsthand how hard it can get both living with and loving an alcoholic and also relapsing. I drank after 5 years but I made it back and so can you. They don't call us double winners for nothing: us "codalkies" are a resilient and tough bunch!
It is only a bump on the road of recovery and I hope that you know you can always message me and we can always meet in chat if I am around my computer and not on my stupid cell phone.

http://1funny.com/wp-content/uploads...t-hugs-dog.jpg

Hi RB and ((((hugs)))).

Don't worry about getting hammered. I did it a couple of times when I first separated from my AW. Sometimes I think it helped because at that time in my recovery I was so good at swallowing my emotions I didn't know how or what to feel any more and it broke down the barriers to letting out what I felt.

I did find that journaling was a much better way to handle this and no hangover. :)

So, take it easy on yourself, you are allowed the occasional breakdown, that's "normal".

Your friend,

Big fat hugs, RB.

Sh*t happens. Thank you for sharing your moment of choosing a not-ideal way of dealing with stuff. I think we've all done stupid stuff. I get so sick from drinking I haven't done that -- but that doesn't mean I haven't done other things that, in retrospect, were really poorly thought out...

And the upside to it is that you did learn something. That you're clinging to the idea of a perfect relationship. I've recently come to the insight that I'm doing something similar: Clinging to the idea of the perfect life. You know, where all the cakes come out perfect from the oven and all the children are well-dressed and never yell "I HATE YOU!" to their mother.

Life's messy. People who portray perfection in their lives are usually hiding something. Or lying to themselves.

Whatever else you have in your life, you have honesty. That's the best place to start.

Hi there... sending you some peace and understanding...this stuff sometimes happens. Ever make a list of all of the horrible things you COULD have done and didn't? Because there's certainly more! Even if they're preposterous, sometimes I make those lists to remind myself...it could be worse. And it usually makes me smile. You're doing okay. Really.

Life ain't a straight walk up the mountain. Or a short one for that matter. Just keep your eye on where you're headed and bring a big old backpack full of self-love and forgiveness... and keep on hiking.

Hugs.

Thank you all so much for your support. I guess I have to stop thinking that others will judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

CJ, I'd love to talk books any time! Wild was a great one. I am looking forward to the movie.

Anytime you think of relapsing--just make an appointment with your dentist for a deep cleaning instead!
This is on my mind today since I have been neglecting my teeth and I know I'm in for a world of hurt. Groan.

On a more serious note, there's chat here always active right? So if you're feeling really tense you can go there and GET IT OUT.
It sounds to me like you let it stew inside and then it exploded in a relapse. You can feel it building, right? Nip it in the bud as the saying goes.

Sending you huge hugs, RB! I agree with Firesprite that it's what you do afterwards that counts. You're only human. :) We all stumble and fall now and then but getting back up and learning from our mistakes (which it sounds like you've already identified your trigger) is what matters.

Isn't that the truth!!??!

You are an incredible person readerbaby, that's something that shines through in your posts regardless of your struggles with sobriety! :hug:

Are you in a program and do you have an AA sponsor? I couldn't have stayed sober through the hard times without the wise advice and support I got. I'm glad you're alive and ok, I came within a hair's breath of dying from alcohol.

Next time you feel stressed, go outside and throw ice cubes at a wall. It's so therapeutic and way cheaper than booze. (((Hugs)))