I think I'm Going Crazy!!
 

I really need some help. I am in a situation that I don't think I can handle anymore. My husband went to treatment in June 2000 relapsed in November 2000 and has been slipping hard and fast ever since. I've been attending my alanon meeting faithfully every week, talk to a lady from there every day, read my literature everyday. I'm trying so hard to keep the focus on me and not my husband, but things are just getting so bad. The broken promises, the lies, I just can't take it anymore. He has been now drunk for 2 weeks straight. I feel like everything I have ever believed in or trusted is all for nothing. I knew that when they relapse that they fall hard and fast but I didn't expect this. I feel like everything I'm learning in alanon just vanishes when I'm faced with a situation that I can't handle. I had a really insane moment the other night. My mother is in the hospital(with cancer) and I was talking to her on the phone. She told me that there was just a bad accident and they called a code blue in the hospital(i live in a small town; we have only one hospital)My blood turned cold because my husband wasn't home yet and every thread of my being believed that it had to be him. I thought for sure that he killed somebody and the police would be at my door any minute to tell me they had him. I was so afraid my hands were shaking, I couldn't cook supper.I called my alanon sponser and she came over. She took over the supper and the kids while I paced the floor ringing my hands not listening to anything she wanted to say. I was insane. All of the sudden he pulled up. Of course he was oblivious to what was going on, came in just like any other day. Drunk of course. I never ever want to feel like that again. It was so scary. I couldn't think of anything else. What scares me the most is how fast that feeling engulfed me.It was like I had never heard of alanon before. Everything I've worked on myself just went out the window. Is it because his drinking is now worse than ever. I don't know but it was the scariest thing ever. I'm actually going to go see a councelor tomorrow about this. I hope it never comes back again. My biggest fear is him drinking and driving and killing somebody.How could I live with that? How could my three boys live that down? It makes me sick to think of it. I know I probably am just rambling, but it was so scary, that feeling of uncontrollable fear. Am I going crazy. I feel like it! I don't know what to do, if I should leave him or stay or what. I've never been so confused in my entire life. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I'm losing it. Any words of wisdom would help. Thanks for listening. Bye for now.

Hi Teresa!
Welcome to the recovery forum!

You said "I really need some help. I am in a situation that I don't think I can handle anymore. " Okay, read that sentence a couple of times. Do you see what's wrong with it from an alanon perspective? My hunch is that you did not misuse the word "handle" and that you have not really let go of the idea that there are things you can control about your husband. Step one is tough. You work it and you think you got it. Then you work some more steps and find out you have more work to do on one.
You asked how you could live with it if he killed someone in an auto accident. This seems to indicate that you would feel guilt and responsibility for the actions of another person. You are separate people. You can't live, act or recover for him and you can't assume his guilt either.

Addicts have relapses. Anons have relapses. For us that means descending into behavior that amounts to self torture.

Maybe you could tell your sponser you need to do step one again?

Keep Posting!
Smoke

Theresa,
I have also felt that fear that my husband will kill someone and the police will come and I will loose everything I own along with my sanity. It is good that you get some assistance from a counselor because your situation would cause anyone to be in crisis. When my husband dropped his $19K Harley twice on the way home from a bar a few weeks ago, I asked him to move out of the house and go to his parents in a different state. He agreed. Since then he has quit drinking and moved back into the house. But I am afraid he will relapse because he is not in a recovery program. So I am not far from where you are, if he starts drinking again. I will tell you another thought I had that I am not proud of: I thought that at least if he drove the Harley to a bar, it was more likely that he would be killed than him killing someone else. So I do understand this fear. But you know what? Even if he did kill someone and all the negitive stuff that would result - it is still not about you. You only have responsibility for you - you don't have to make sure that he acts appropriately. Remember to take deep breaths, this does help me to calm myself when the fear grows too big. It also helps me to talk to myself. Like: This is not about you. Everything will be ok. etc. Like I was talking to my child. It sounds silly but works for me. I will pray for you and hope you keep coming back to this board. It has helped me a great deal.

Hears a step that works for me. I meditate on the literature to calm down. It really helps me to look in the index for the topic that I am having trouble with. Fear is there. Anxiety is there. The words are so calming. And my favorite in the 12 steps Let Go and Let God. I had to use this when my now ex was driving a snow plow loaded with salt and drunk. Thank God he never killed anyone. (P.S. that's the job he lost to a urine test after 19 years) How he passed the first one I'll never know, but he did not take that as a warning to quit and lost it on the second. My thoughts are with you.
Today I AM okay!

Boy o Boy, do I know what your going through, it is scary to know yourself so well, but to feel so insane, I have had those episodes your talking about, you want to use the program, but it all goes out the window when your faced with the actual situations. I had one yesterday, I can feel when they are coming on, and I cant do anything but let it come on, I feel so out of control sometimes, and I want my old self back, If anything I just wanted to let you know I understand exactly what your going through, I am new to all of this as well, and its very hard. I am there and have to deal with it every day. Take care, and know that there are other people who have gone through what you are, and your not alone.

God Bless,
BonBon

Hi,

I had a cold chill run down my back when I read your posting. My "X" would leave in the morning for work and sometime return two days later, hung over. I didn't drive, I was drinking, I periodically got the crap knocked out of me and I just couldn't pick up four children and move away. I never felt safe for twenty-five years and I mean every damn, miserable day. Being alcoholic and co-dependent was HELL. The fellowship of AA got me where I am today. Safe, happy and involved in life. Stay close to your sponsor and your meetings. Life is fragile, "Handle" it with prayer.

Good grief, girl, now wonder you are confused. You are probably physically and emotionally exhausted.

Love you, Pickle

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[This message has been edited by Pickle (edited February 23, 2002).]

I just want to thank all of you for posting. It is just so comforting to know that there are other people who know how I feel.

I realize more now than ever that I need to really do step one again. I've been reading everything about step one in my index. I'm trying to live and breathe step one. I also no that in my heart I must think that there is something I can do for Darren. In my head I know there is nothing but my heart just doesnt want to give up. I'm so sad for that, he is such a good person. I've started reading Co-Dependent No More. I'm on new quest to find myself again. I want to be a better person, mom, friend. I have to start liking myself again. I realize just how much I'm trying to control my husband and this awful situation. But, for this minute I'm focusing on me.

Thanks again everyone. It brought tears to my eyes when I read your posts. Even though you don't know me or know what I look like, you care, and right now I really need to know that. Thanks again everyone!

Teresa