Does anyone remember me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Does anyone remember me?
I'm filing for divorce. I have an appointment with a lawyer a week from Friday. I can't have my girls growing up in this. He has been sober for about 8 months but his personality is really the same. I didn't think there would be another grand finale but there was. Last week at the beach - in front of my whole family.
He keeps telling me he has to learn to live all over again, and he is still figuring things out and he's making progress. and that his brain is at 20 (when he started to drink) I am not here for his experimenting. Nor are my girls.
I'm done but now he is making me feel guilty.
He is cycling from berating me, to threatening, to begging to crying then blaming me, then being sorry.
A new kind of hell I guess.
He keeps telling me he has to learn to live all over again, and he is still figuring things out and he's making progress. and that his brain is at 20 (when he started to drink) I am not here for his experimenting. Nor are my girls.
I'm done but now he is making me feel guilty.
He is cycling from berating me, to threatening, to begging to crying then blaming me, then being sorry.
A new kind of hell I guess.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello! I am so sorry to hear this.
I think it's great you have made this decision to get yourself out of his hell. He does need help, and you are not the one to give it to him.
I can tell you, I went through that same cycling at first when I kicked out my XAH and filed. Once he saw I would not waiver, it got 99% better.
Praying for you. Follow through and get yourself and your children a better life that you deserve!
I think it's great you have made this decision to get yourself out of his hell. He does need help, and you are not the one to give it to him.
I can tell you, I went through that same cycling at first when I kicked out my XAH and filed. Once he saw I would not waiver, it got 99% better.
Praying for you. Follow through and get yourself and your children a better life that you deserve!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I can't help but believe that if he were truly on the path to recovery (and not just sobriety) then he would be more than happy to give you the space and time you need while he focuses on his own work. You have every right to a peaceful life for you and your children. If he really wants recovery, he will seek it whether you are there or not. Nothing to feel guilty about, not a thing. Good for you for putting your best interests and those of your children, who depend on you completely, first.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by meggem 
He keeps telling me he has to learn to live all over again, and he is still figuring things out and he's making progress. and that his brain is at 20 (when he started to drink) I am not here for his experimenting. Nor are my girls.
Meggem, you said it all when you said you aren't here for his experimenting. Whatever his issues are, they are HIS issues, and he is the one that needs to figure them out. You owe him NOTHING, and I'm so glad you've found the courage to remove him from your life and your daughters' lives.
Wishing you continued strength and clarity, meggem.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hi, meggem---I absolutely DO remember you!!
Like SparkleKitty--I wonder if he is practicing a strong recovery program....or, possibly drinking again...or, close to it. In any case, you and the kids shouldn't have to live with the brunt of this.
I do remember that you had gone to an alanon meeting or two.....I would suggest that you could use some face to face support, right now! So many of the SR "longtimers" say that alanon and their own counselor helped them to get through the really tough times.
I am glad that you seem much more clear on what path you want to take!
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
dandylion
Like SparkleKitty--I wonder if he is practicing a strong recovery program....or, possibly drinking again...or, close to it. In any case, you and the kids shouldn't have to live with the brunt of this.
I do remember that you had gone to an alanon meeting or two.....I would suggest that you could use some face to face support, right now! So many of the SR "longtimers" say that alanon and their own counselor helped them to get through the really tough times.
I am glad that you seem much more clear on what path you want to take!
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
HI meggems! i'm sorry for what brings you back to SR, but i'm really glad you remembered we are here and reached out.
ditch the guilt, hon. you've done your time. he's had his chances. but managed to have an epic showing of stupidity in front of the entire family, you and the girls most of all. NOBODY NEEDS THAT CRAP.
ditch the guilt, hon. you've done your time. he's had his chances. but managed to have an epic showing of stupidity in front of the entire family, you and the girls most of all. NOBODY NEEDS THAT CRAP.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
thanks you guys. I did go to an alanon meeting or two. the first time I went to a meeting that didn't exist and just sat there in the parking lot. RAH was in rehab all of October. I was hoping and praying I could "get over what happened" before but looking back I think I was done before he left. I re-read a lot of my posts during that time and I didn’t even sound hopeful then. I remember the first time I was able to go and see him. I could have done without the visit. I was so busy with the kids. I really didn’t want to go. I must have stopped 3 times on the way down (1.5 hours) and drove under the speed limit. When he came home, I wasn’t really excited at all. I just didn’t want to forgive him and I still don’t. I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to. I know I have work to do myself but I don’t feel like forgiving him.
Besides that, 75% of the time, he is the same person he was when he was drinking. One time I even said it to him – “you might as well drink!” (kind of felt bad after I said it). He goes to 1 meeting a week and has 1 counseling appointment a week. He is sober but he is still so dirty. He’s not clean. He keeps telling me he is learning how to be a person for the first time really ever in his life and that he is making progress and learning a lot and blah blah, but a lot of the behaviors are still there.
After the incident at the beach, there is just no turning back. None. But he is being evil. He is saying really bizarre things and he just makes no sense at all – his reasoning is just weird. It’s like talking to a wall. A weird wall. I feel raw. Just raw and he is trying to convince me that my decision is soooo wrong and look what I am doing to the family and he “isn’t always going to be like this, you know that don’t you?” like I am going to miss the boat. And he is sitting back even more with parental duties so he can say “see – you can’t do this by yourself now call this off, this is ridiculous”.
I can’t text anyone, I can’t call anyone I have to watch my FB activity because he is twisting everything around. The dumbest things. And he says I am stockpiling money when I am not and he knows our finances. He can see the checkbook and the bills being paid – and paychecks coming in…just bizarre things that are not true at all. Weird things. Does anyone have a similar story?
Then he cries and says he knows he ruined everything and he doesn’t blame me.
Then he turns around and says something hateful or twisty.
??????????
Besides that, 75% of the time, he is the same person he was when he was drinking. One time I even said it to him – “you might as well drink!” (kind of felt bad after I said it). He goes to 1 meeting a week and has 1 counseling appointment a week. He is sober but he is still so dirty. He’s not clean. He keeps telling me he is learning how to be a person for the first time really ever in his life and that he is making progress and learning a lot and blah blah, but a lot of the behaviors are still there.
After the incident at the beach, there is just no turning back. None. But he is being evil. He is saying really bizarre things and he just makes no sense at all – his reasoning is just weird. It’s like talking to a wall. A weird wall. I feel raw. Just raw and he is trying to convince me that my decision is soooo wrong and look what I am doing to the family and he “isn’t always going to be like this, you know that don’t you?” like I am going to miss the boat. And he is sitting back even more with parental duties so he can say “see – you can’t do this by yourself now call this off, this is ridiculous”.
I can’t text anyone, I can’t call anyone I have to watch my FB activity because he is twisting everything around. The dumbest things. And he says I am stockpiling money when I am not and he knows our finances. He can see the checkbook and the bills being paid – and paychecks coming in…just bizarre things that are not true at all. Weird things. Does anyone have a similar story?
Then he cries and says he knows he ruined everything and he doesn’t blame me.
Then he turns around and says something hateful or twisty.
??????????
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He sounds very very unstable. Use caution around him for sure.
I understand not wanting him to come back. I remember when my XAH went to rehab, I expected him to come back this amazing and wonderful person. LOL. Nope. Before he was a drunk a$$hole. When he got back he was a sober a$$hole. Still the same person. Not one I should have spent another day with really.
It's about doing what is right for you. You don't deserve his mess. He has had every opportunity to clean his life up and do the right thing. Now he is trying to cover up his a$$holeness with manipulation so you will feel sorry for him, he is just having a hard time doing so because that is his real self.
I hope you get away from him, you deserve so much more.
I understand not wanting him to come back. I remember when my XAH went to rehab, I expected him to come back this amazing and wonderful person. LOL. Nope. Before he was a drunk a$$hole. When he got back he was a sober a$$hole. Still the same person. Not one I should have spent another day with really.
It's about doing what is right for you. You don't deserve his mess. He has had every opportunity to clean his life up and do the right thing. Now he is trying to cover up his a$$holeness with manipulation so you will feel sorry for him, he is just having a hard time doing so because that is his real self.
I hope you get away from him, you deserve so much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
i looked back on one of my posts to you guys which was titled "he seems a little different" or something like that. I explained that we went out for the afternoon and it was his idea which apparently was very exciting to me. And that he was at the counter ordering pizza while I was with my toddler at the table and he had to ask me a question and I had to say "what" twice and he didn't get mad. THAT was my big victory. Are you KIDDING ME? And someone here said I shouldn't feel excited that he acted like a human being (or somethink like that) and I didn't get it then.
He's not stable. He's not!
He's not stable. He's not!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem---My first thought is that he might be using......but, it doesn't matter in terms of what you need to do for your own welfare.
You are leaving---you can't really expect him to like it and throw you a party...right?
It is to be expected that there might be a lot of crying and carrying on from him. He has a right to express his feelings of regret or grief or whatever he feels (but, not harming anyone). You ALSO have the choice and right to respond to it or not.
My suggestion is to remain steady and firm (not mean) and carry on with what you have determined is best for your own welfare.
I can remember that my ex husband flipped and flopped like a fish out of water--when he realized that I was actually serious. A part of me felt sorry for him---but, my need for self preservation was a higher priority. I knew that he was unlikely to change---and, you know what? He never did. That was eons ago, and he never did change his narcissistic ways one bit!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
You are leaving---you can't really expect him to like it and throw you a party...right?
It is to be expected that there might be a lot of crying and carrying on from him. He has a right to express his feelings of regret or grief or whatever he feels (but, not harming anyone). You ALSO have the choice and right to respond to it or not.
My suggestion is to remain steady and firm (not mean) and carry on with what you have determined is best for your own welfare.
I can remember that my ex husband flipped and flopped like a fish out of water--when he realized that I was actually serious. A part of me felt sorry for him---but, my need for self preservation was a higher priority. I knew that he was unlikely to change---and, you know what? He never did. That was eons ago, and he never did change his narcissistic ways one bit!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yes I remember you meggem. I seem to remember you posting about abuse, although I haven't looked back in your posts.
I think if you have been dealing with an abusive person while married to them that I would be very careful and vigilant about them while divorcing. Divorce is war for most of them. Don't expect rational or fair actions in divorce, even if he had never drank a drop in his life. Many many people do horrible things during divorce, and they sure don't have to be a drinker to do them.
Sending you strength!
I think if you have been dealing with an abusive person while married to them that I would be very careful and vigilant about them while divorcing. Divorce is war for most of them. Don't expect rational or fair actions in divorce, even if he had never drank a drop in his life. Many many people do horrible things during divorce, and they sure don't have to be a drinker to do them.
Sending you strength!
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