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Day 6 of no contact

Old 06-17-2014, 01:13 PM
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Day 6 of no contact

Well it's day 6 of no contact with my alcoholic ex. It's up and down, yesterday was a good day, I felt strong, like I am beginning to get my self respect back by staying away from someone who, while lovely at times, loving, good fun,etc, can also turn nasty for no reason that I can see and it's so unpredictable I never knew when it was going to happen. For 9 months I kept going back until I realised this is going to keep happening and in fainess he also got fed up with my unwillingness to let disrespectful behaviour go.

No contact is difficult as he lives very near me, I have to drive past his house every time I leave mine so I have taken to walking as much as possible so I can go a different route. I find going past his house can trigger pangs of loss, of wondering and trying to figure out what is he doing, is he drinking, is he sober etc. I would have loved to give the relationship a chance with him sober, and I think he probably is sober but making no attempt to sort things out with me and that hurts even though I know I'm better off without the chaos but sometimes the feelings of loss are so intense I don't know how I will get through them. They do pass for a while, usually after a good cry.

I suppose I find it hard enough to fill the times where I used to run down to him for a cuppa and a chat. We had some nice times. And the weekend was a killer. Life feels too quiet but with him it felt too chaotic and crazy. What's getting me through is reading stuff on this site and other stuff about my part in this, attraction to addicts and alcoholics, possible trauma bonding and relationship withdrawal. also meetings, friends, prayer, meditation and just trying, as they say, to do the next right thing. Children keep me busy too.

A couple of things that puzzled me during this relationship and others- even though I thought I wanted to get to know him sober I found I was more comfortable with him when he was drinking- I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I'm trying to figure out if it was because I was picking up on his discomfort with himsef and with life in general when he was sober, or if it was because I was afraid he could see me more clearly when he was sober and might not like what he saw? Is my self esteem really that low?! In honesty he seemed a lot more into me while drunk, very affectionate and stuff, much more reserved when sober. It was very confusing, And how do or have others here dealt with unacceptable behaviour? I guess everyone has their own definition of unacceptable behaviour, for me it included constantly going on about and threatening me with other women, namecalling and physically stopping me from walking out on arguments. Any feedback much appreciated! thanks.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:18 PM
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6 days, well done you!

Time will bring more clarity.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:25 PM
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The days will eventually become easier.

While I was not more comfortable with my X when he was drinking, those that did not know any better certainly were. He is much more friendly and talkative when he has been drinking. However, they did not see after the face, when he would keep drinking and turned into a mess.

Eventually it will be just like driving by any other home of someone you usto know. Stay strong, stay busy.

Keep posting, we support you. You are doing great!
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:35 PM
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I found I was more comfortable with him when he was drinking- I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I'm trying to figure out if it was because I was picking up on his discomfort with himself and with life in general when he was sober, or if it was because I was afraid he could see me more clearly when he was sober and might not like what he saw? Is my self esteem really that low?! In honesty he seemed a lot more into me while drunk, very affectionate and stuff, much more reserved when sober. It was very confusing,


WOW! that hit home for me. That was exactly how I felt about my xabf. it was so tense when he was sober. He was just faking (white knuckling) it the whole time and couldn't wait to relapse. I also felt that he was just so bored and uncomfortable in his own skin. He was much more fun loving and attentive when drunk. Until.....he wasn't. That's when I realized it had nothing to do with me or low self esteem on my end. It was him having to learn to deal with and accept life sober. He never gave it enough of a chance, or did the work it took to be a positive change. It's much less confusing for me now after I let him go.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:44 PM
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Hi, sorcharuane--congratulations on taking the first steps towards your own recovery. I know it's hard, but it's short-term pain for long-term gain. Keep on w/your meetings, meditating, etc. Those are great choices for getting some peace, some understanding of yourself and some happiness.

Do bear in mind that even if he is not drinking right now, 6 days of "sobriety" does not equal any kind of recovery. True recovery is so much more than just taking alcohol out of the equation. It also addresses all the other mental and emotional problems that A's have. It takes time and effort, and it usually takes some sort of program, whether AA or something else. White-knuckling for 6 days means nothing. Please don't let yourself be drawn back into this relationship w/thoughts of "getting to know him sober", tempting as it might seem.

I like this thread, and I hope you do also: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Again, I'm so glad that you've started your journey into happiness and freedom. Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:24 PM
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thanks everybody for the replies, it really does help to hear from others who have been through similar experiences!
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:45 PM
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7 days now, a whole week!
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:47 PM
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I'm not sure if this is exactly what you're talking about but...

... I thought AXH's drinking was the problem. When he got sober, I realized it wasn't just the drinking, it was who he was as a person. Drinking just made it bigger, if you get what I mean -- all his bad behaviors were magnified when he was drunk.

As for unacceptable behaviors -- my take on that, in the light of having been gone from him for a few years, is this: If you don't leave the first time he does something unacceptable, the behavior you once saw as unacceptable becomes first acceptable, then normal. You get used to it, plain and simple. I needed someone else to witness AXH's horrid behavior towards me and the kids, and tell me to my face that this is not how you treat a person you love. This is unacceptable. I had lived with it for so long that I no longer saw it as unacceptable, simply as "my life"...

When I read this:
constantly going on about and threatening me with other women, namecalling and physically stopping me from walking out on arguments.
I can definitely tell you that is NOT acceptable behavior, and it's NOT something anybody should have to put up with from anybody, least of all someone who claims to love you. But I also know that I put up with that stuff when I was married. I hope neither you or I EVER put up with anything like that again.
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Old 06-19-2014, 01:20 PM
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thanks lillamay, yes at first i put it all down to the drinking, i rarely saw him sober anyway but in the last couple of months i did notice that sober he could be pretty unreasonable too, deliberately misunderstanding me, twisting what i said, stuff like that. not saying i'm perfect either. today was a hard day. i wonder what is wrong with me that part of me misses and longs for someone who treated me badly. i suppose i miss the times he was nice. what is it that attracts us to alcoholics and how have members here broken the cycle?

yes there is some abuse in my past but i have spent years in therapy, years in recovery, long periods single trying to sort out my own stuff and can't really believe i'm back in this place again. i have read women who love too much and some codependency books, can anyone recommend any other good reading?
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