Really sad, really confused, just need someone to talk to
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 17
Really sad, really confused, just need someone to talk to
Hi all, and thank you to whoever reads this or replies, I've been dating my partner for a year now, and I suppose I noticed his drinking habits quite early on, but didn't want to make a fuss or ruin things, I dated someone who drank a lot and it ended up being a very abusive relationship so I suppose I am quite sensitive to drinking in relationships.
My current partner, sometimes will say yes I have a problem and says he can quit anytime he likes, he has stopped for a couple of weeks but then always starts up again, it's strange because he does not drink all day everyday but almost every evening and he finds it hard to stop once he has started he either has to pass out, or continue drinking and on a few occasions he has stopped, but this is usually not the case, he has embarrassed him self whilst meeting my friends and family by being rude and arrogant whilst drunk and also passing out the first time he met my friend, he always says I try to control him by asking him not to drink as much as it hurts me, and says that it's my choice to be hurt by his drinking, he has drunk and drove on multiple occasions usually after arguments about his drinking which then because I bring it up is blamed on me, I am at my wits end, have felt like hurting myself on occasions because I literally can't cope, he is so sweet when sober, so loving, but when he drinks he is rude, selfish, and egotistical, he will openly flirt with other women, and ends up getting barred from places or getting in fights, which again are never his fault, any time I bring anything up he will say because I dated someone abusive before it's my issues, and I suffer from bulimia and because he never asks me to stop that I do not have a right to ask him to cut back on his drinking, I am scared he will get ill as he is a good bit older than me, I am scared he may get arrested drink driving or worse hurt someone or himself, but I can't talk to him and I always make the stupid mistake of bringing it up once he's had a drink which he uses an excuse to drink even more because I nagged him, am I crazy???? Is it me, do I push him to drink? I can't get it straight in my head, he's really tried with his behavior when drunk which I appreciate, other times we've fallen out he's said some terrible things and so have I. I love him to bits but what can I do?? We both follow a similar spiritual path, I keep trying to get him to meditate with me and try to eat healthier and he will stick to it for a bit but then he's always stressed with work and "needs a drink to wind down afterwards" there always seems to be an excuse to drink.
He was telling me tonight that he drinks to cope with me, and that I am psychotic, I hate this as I suffer from panic attacks and have had depression so when he says these things they really hurt deeply, I can be a bit of a pain to live with but I am trying my best with my issues, getting help for my bulimia but he seems oblivious to the fact he may need help and then comes the jab at my age I am 24 he is 45 so how dare I try to give him advice.
Sorry big rant, well tonights been awful we had a couple of ciders, I didn't even want a drink but I drink to try to stop him from having it all, but I can't keep up and a lot of the time he just takes more or takes mine when I'm not drinking it which really annoys me, I thought maybe If i drank something I liked he might not buy as much Cider but I was an idiot instead of a small bottle of vodka for me he got a litre, and went on business calls and drank lots of it and very quickly I brought it up and he said I was being conrtrolling, stupidly I hid the drink which annoyed him and we had a huge fight, he refused to give me hugs or speak to me until I gave him back the drink, I begged him to stop etc, in the end he was going to drive but I couldn't let him so I his his car keys which in all the upset I've forgotten where they are, he has an important meeting tomorrow somewhere else, and won't be able to make it because of me hiding his keys, he has huge financial pressures at the moment so It will be all my fault tomorrow, he said some really hurtful things when he was angry, I can't even sleep I've been searching for 2 hours of the keys and really can't remember where I put them.
Sorry for the long post just had to get it out, so lonely and very sad.
Gem x
My current partner, sometimes will say yes I have a problem and says he can quit anytime he likes, he has stopped for a couple of weeks but then always starts up again, it's strange because he does not drink all day everyday but almost every evening and he finds it hard to stop once he has started he either has to pass out, or continue drinking and on a few occasions he has stopped, but this is usually not the case, he has embarrassed him self whilst meeting my friends and family by being rude and arrogant whilst drunk and also passing out the first time he met my friend, he always says I try to control him by asking him not to drink as much as it hurts me, and says that it's my choice to be hurt by his drinking, he has drunk and drove on multiple occasions usually after arguments about his drinking which then because I bring it up is blamed on me, I am at my wits end, have felt like hurting myself on occasions because I literally can't cope, he is so sweet when sober, so loving, but when he drinks he is rude, selfish, and egotistical, he will openly flirt with other women, and ends up getting barred from places or getting in fights, which again are never his fault, any time I bring anything up he will say because I dated someone abusive before it's my issues, and I suffer from bulimia and because he never asks me to stop that I do not have a right to ask him to cut back on his drinking, I am scared he will get ill as he is a good bit older than me, I am scared he may get arrested drink driving or worse hurt someone or himself, but I can't talk to him and I always make the stupid mistake of bringing it up once he's had a drink which he uses an excuse to drink even more because I nagged him, am I crazy???? Is it me, do I push him to drink? I can't get it straight in my head, he's really tried with his behavior when drunk which I appreciate, other times we've fallen out he's said some terrible things and so have I. I love him to bits but what can I do?? We both follow a similar spiritual path, I keep trying to get him to meditate with me and try to eat healthier and he will stick to it for a bit but then he's always stressed with work and "needs a drink to wind down afterwards" there always seems to be an excuse to drink.
He was telling me tonight that he drinks to cope with me, and that I am psychotic, I hate this as I suffer from panic attacks and have had depression so when he says these things they really hurt deeply, I can be a bit of a pain to live with but I am trying my best with my issues, getting help for my bulimia but he seems oblivious to the fact he may need help and then comes the jab at my age I am 24 he is 45 so how dare I try to give him advice.
Sorry big rant, well tonights been awful we had a couple of ciders, I didn't even want a drink but I drink to try to stop him from having it all, but I can't keep up and a lot of the time he just takes more or takes mine when I'm not drinking it which really annoys me, I thought maybe If i drank something I liked he might not buy as much Cider but I was an idiot instead of a small bottle of vodka for me he got a litre, and went on business calls and drank lots of it and very quickly I brought it up and he said I was being conrtrolling, stupidly I hid the drink which annoyed him and we had a huge fight, he refused to give me hugs or speak to me until I gave him back the drink, I begged him to stop etc, in the end he was going to drive but I couldn't let him so I his his car keys which in all the upset I've forgotten where they are, he has an important meeting tomorrow somewhere else, and won't be able to make it because of me hiding his keys, he has huge financial pressures at the moment so It will be all my fault tomorrow, he said some really hurtful things when he was angry, I can't even sleep I've been searching for 2 hours of the keys and really can't remember where I put them.
Sorry for the long post just had to get it out, so lonely and very sad.
Gem x
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry you are feeling this way.
Firstly educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism because it will only get worse.
Because you suffer from Bulemia there is very good book called "Women who love too much" (someone may help me with the author here) which shows the relationships some people may form together although they have different addictions or problems. It may help you look at things from a different angle.
In my opinion Blame=denial so the blame on you for his drinking is untrue.
Only he can get sober & whether he chooses to do so or not is up to him.
It sounds like you are being severely affected by his alcoholism & it may be a good idea to seek some support.
Also is there a therapist you could see to talk over your own issues?
The only way to recovery is to seek it & it may be a good idea to start focussing on yourself.
I'm sure others here will offer you good advice & we are here to listen so post as much as like.
Hugs.
Firstly educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism because it will only get worse.
Because you suffer from Bulemia there is very good book called "Women who love too much" (someone may help me with the author here) which shows the relationships some people may form together although they have different addictions or problems. It may help you look at things from a different angle.
In my opinion Blame=denial so the blame on you for his drinking is untrue.
Only he can get sober & whether he chooses to do so or not is up to him.
It sounds like you are being severely affected by his alcoholism & it may be a good idea to seek some support.
Also is there a therapist you could see to talk over your own issues?
The only way to recovery is to seek it & it may be a good idea to start focussing on yourself.
I'm sure others here will offer you good advice & we are here to listen so post as much as like.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Hi Sadgirl, and welcome to Sober Recovery, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really is sad, isn't it? That's the perfect word to describe it.
I'm not a great at giving advice, but I'll echo what Rosiepetal said: Start focusing on yourself. The time you spend trying to solve his problems is just wasted energy, and you have your own health to think about.
One thing that jumps out at me from your post is the large age difference between you and your partner. I think it's interesting, perhaps even important, to keep in mind that he's been playing these mind games a lot longer than you may realize. I'll put money on it that you're not the first relationship of his that alcohol has come in the middle of. He has a past, and alcohol is a part of that past.
One of the hallmarks of this disease is the alcoholics amazing ability to con those around him/her into thinking that they are the problem. It sounds like that's what he's trying to do with you. He makes it about you to deflect from his own BS.
Again, I'm glad you're here.
By the way... I think it's awesome that you took the car keys. Who cares that you can't find them. You may have saved somebody's life.
I'm not a great at giving advice, but I'll echo what Rosiepetal said: Start focusing on yourself. The time you spend trying to solve his problems is just wasted energy, and you have your own health to think about.
One thing that jumps out at me from your post is the large age difference between you and your partner. I think it's interesting, perhaps even important, to keep in mind that he's been playing these mind games a lot longer than you may realize. I'll put money on it that you're not the first relationship of his that alcohol has come in the middle of. He has a past, and alcohol is a part of that past.
One of the hallmarks of this disease is the alcoholics amazing ability to con those around him/her into thinking that they are the problem. It sounds like that's what he's trying to do with you. He makes it about you to deflect from his own BS.
Again, I'm glad you're here.
By the way... I think it's awesome that you took the car keys. Who cares that you can't find them. You may have saved somebody's life.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Posts: 17
Thank you so much for your replies, I am trying to focus on me, I just think maybe because of my things I am needy and because when he's sober he gives me a lot of support and a good ear, it makes it hard for me to think of him as a horrible person, but when he drinks things I've told him are used against me.
I got blamed this morning, when I woke, I am psychotic because I hid his car keys, I ruined his business meeting, how could I be so mental, feel close to ending it right now, but I've ended it so many times before and he always ends up back in my life.
I am so glad that there is support here though, been feeling very alone for a long time.
I will definitely look at that book, and therapy is not really an option, I am so poor at the moment trying to sort out some debt, there are some free services but I'm not even sure what I need, my doctors always want to put me on anti-depressants and I know for some people they are great but I'm more geared towards not using them at all because of my beliefs etc, I would however love to get some Reiki, I practice it but I can't even find the time or relaxation in myself to sit down and do it for me.
Thanks again for your replies, could cry that some one has listened.
I got blamed this morning, when I woke, I am psychotic because I hid his car keys, I ruined his business meeting, how could I be so mental, feel close to ending it right now, but I've ended it so many times before and he always ends up back in my life.
I am so glad that there is support here though, been feeling very alone for a long time.
I will definitely look at that book, and therapy is not really an option, I am so poor at the moment trying to sort out some debt, there are some free services but I'm not even sure what I need, my doctors always want to put me on anti-depressants and I know for some people they are great but I'm more geared towards not using them at all because of my beliefs etc, I would however love to get some Reiki, I practice it but I can't even find the time or relaxation in myself to sit down and do it for me.
Thanks again for your replies, could cry that some one has listened.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
oh honey, it's so hard, you love him and care about him and it must hurt so so much.. especially because you were probably so beautiful when you met and now he says those things you feel unloved..
it's not going to be easy but it doesn't sound like he is going to change.. you'll know what to so when the time comes to you... for now your in a current and need the waves to pull you out so you can see this situation for what it is
You're worthy, you're loved and you're beautiful.. please don't believe those lies
it's not going to be easy but it doesn't sound like he is going to change.. you'll know what to so when the time comes to you... for now your in a current and need the waves to pull you out so you can see this situation for what it is
You're worthy, you're loved and you're beautiful.. please don't believe those lies
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sadgirl
keep coming back here, we will support you and give you a listening ear, or fifty! lol
It is like going to the hardware store for bread... he isn't going to be able to give you what you need, only you can do that. He cannot even give his self what HE needs right now.
I hope that today, you will find a bit of time for you, because you matter here, and your needs are important. Perhaps try thinking of what it might be like if you did not have this negative energy affecting you... no one deserves to be blamed for someone elses sickness.
big hugs,
keep coming back here, we will support you and give you a listening ear, or fifty! lol
It is like going to the hardware store for bread... he isn't going to be able to give you what you need, only you can do that. He cannot even give his self what HE needs right now.
I hope that today, you will find a bit of time for you, because you matter here, and your needs are important. Perhaps try thinking of what it might be like if you did not have this negative energy affecting you... no one deserves to be blamed for someone elses sickness.
big hugs,
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne
Posts: 17
Yes I am going to work on myself now, I look outside my self a lot for help when really it is in me, I had to come to a point with my bulimia that no matter what had happened in my past, in the present it is my choice to binge eat food and my choice to be sick, this has helped hugely and I think I am heading towards recovery, and this is the kind of realisation he needs to come to but I can not force this on him, I get this now.
I sent him a message telling him, that it is up to him if he leaves or stays but that I will not be blamed for him drinking, and that it is up to him if he wants to help himself but that I haven't got a lot left to give, it's hard for us to break up at the moment a lot of complicated things going on, but if he leaves, he leaves, but I won't pick up after him anymore, if he drinks he can drink on his own, if he wants to go out and get in trouble than that's up to him, I won't stand in his way anymore, so I suppose it's up to him what he wants to do.
Was this a wise thing to say? I don't know, and I am expecting the usual response of you are controlling, you you you, I doubt he will look at what his actions are doing to me, guess we will see... :-\
I sent him a message telling him, that it is up to him if he leaves or stays but that I will not be blamed for him drinking, and that it is up to him if he wants to help himself but that I haven't got a lot left to give, it's hard for us to break up at the moment a lot of complicated things going on, but if he leaves, he leaves, but I won't pick up after him anymore, if he drinks he can drink on his own, if he wants to go out and get in trouble than that's up to him, I won't stand in his way anymore, so I suppose it's up to him what he wants to do.
Was this a wise thing to say? I don't know, and I am expecting the usual response of you are controlling, you you you, I doubt he will look at what his actions are doing to me, guess we will see... :-\
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Well I got the reply I expected, "You were trying to pick a fight all night, and I repeatedly asked you to stop"
So apparently it is my fault, there is literally nothing I can say to him, feeling angry and upset again, sorry that this is a bit minute to minute, just got no one else I can talk to about it.
So apparently it is my fault, there is literally nothing I can say to him, feeling angry and upset again, sorry that this is a bit minute to minute, just got no one else I can talk to about it.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
oh honey it's hard.. he could be saying that out of fear.. as in fear of losing you so he's using reverse psychology as to put the attention on you not him but what he doesn't understand is that, yes it takes the attention off him because he's not to blame for anything.. but it's also pushing you away which says to me he probably isn't aware of that so much.. because if he was trying to get rid of you he'd just drop you like my alcoholic ex did and not make excuses of he didn't want you. He sounds really confusing doesn't he.. it must be hard.. Do you believe deep down that he loves you?? When he flirts with these women does he ever say sorry and try to change? that in itself is enough of a reason to leave if he's not changing because that in itself shows no respect for your union.
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Hey thanks for your reply.
He has made a huge effort with that, he is a lot better, and thing had been going quite well recently, so when he started having the odd cider I just let it slip as he's happy and not drinking a lot, but then it's been every single night, and getting more and more, and now he's back to blaming me, and name calling, it's a strange confused state to be in, I think he loves me a lot, but he is very unaware of his actions and there consequences, which I know from my own experience can do a lot of hurt.
He has made a huge effort with that, he is a lot better, and thing had been going quite well recently, so when he started having the odd cider I just let it slip as he's happy and not drinking a lot, but then it's been every single night, and getting more and more, and now he's back to blaming me, and name calling, it's a strange confused state to be in, I think he loves me a lot, but he is very unaware of his actions and there consequences, which I know from my own experience can do a lot of hurt.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
I know I went from being my AX's 12 out if 10 to dogs droppings and the ugliest thing ever.. that's because they portray whats in them
onto us, they see their reflection on us... my advice would be to back down, don't engage.. tell him you're sorry he feels that way about you, that you love him and care about him and wish him a good night sleep .. life is too short.., even with all these problems.. let him know you love him and hopefully he will realise how precious life is and he will tell you he loves you too and calm down.. if he doesn't then only God can
help you guys .. it'll be a long hard road but it'll be alright
onto us, they see their reflection on us... my advice would be to back down, don't engage.. tell him you're sorry he feels that way about you, that you love him and care about him and wish him a good night sleep .. life is too short.., even with all these problems.. let him know you love him and hopefully he will realise how precious life is and he will tell you he loves you too and calm down.. if he doesn't then only God can
help you guys .. it'll be a long hard road but it'll be alright
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by sadgirl16 
Hey thanks for your reply.
He has made a huge effort with that, he is a lot better, and thing had been going quite well recently, so when he started having the odd cider I just let it slip as he's happy and not drinking a lot, but then it's been every single night, and getting more and more, and now he's back to blaming me, and name calling, it's a strange confused state to be in, I think he loves me a lot, but he is very unaware of his actions and there consequences, which I know from my own experience can do a lot of hurt.
He has made a huge effort with that, he is a lot better, and thing had been going quite well recently, so when he started having the odd cider I just let it slip as he's happy and not drinking a lot, but then it's been every single night, and getting more and more, and now he's back to blaming me, and name calling, it's a strange confused state to be in, I think he loves me a lot, but he is very unaware of his actions and there consequences, which I know from my own experience can do a lot of hurt.
None of this is an accident. He knows exactly what he is doing to you and he simply does not care. His crappy, out of control life needs a scapegoat and you are it.
Even if this guy stopped drinking tomorrow, he would still be abusive and manipulative. You deserve so much better. Hugs.
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It kind of sounds like there is no point in being with him then, I've read about gaslighting etc as I went through it with my ex and I don't feel it's the same, but maybe that's because there is no violence in this situation and he is only ever mean if I confront him about drinking, the rest of the time he's funny happy and nice, obviously we disagree on other things but we usually talk things out like adults.
It hurts to think he does not love me, that I've been conned for another period of my life, I know you are just telling me the truth but the truth's hard to hear as we all know, maybe he doesn't love me at all, just hate thinking that once again I've been an idiot, I really thought from my past I could spot these things before I fell for another abusive man, very worried and a bit more confused now..... :-(
It hurts to think he does not love me, that I've been conned for another period of my life, I know you are just telling me the truth but the truth's hard to hear as we all know, maybe he doesn't love me at all, just hate thinking that once again I've been an idiot, I really thought from my past I could spot these things before I fell for another abusive man, very worried and a bit more confused now..... :-(
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by sadgirl16
It kind of sounds like there is no point in being with him then, I've read about gaslighting etc as I went through it with my ex and I don't feel it's the same, but maybe that's because there is no violence in this situation and he is only ever mean if I confront him about drinking, the rest of the time he's funny happy and nice, obviously we disagree on other things but we usually talk things out like adults.
It hurts to think he does not love me, that I've been conned for another period of my life, I know you are just telling me the truth but the truth's hard to hear as we all know, maybe he doesn't love me at all, just hate thinking that once again I've been an idiot, I really thought from my past I could spot these things before I fell for another abusive man, very worried and a bit more confused now..... :-(
It hurts to think he does not love me, that I've been conned for another period of my life, I know you are just telling me the truth but the truth's hard to hear as we all know, maybe he doesn't love me at all, just hate thinking that once again I've been an idiot, I really thought from my past I could spot these things before I fell for another abusive man, very worried and a bit more confused now..... :-(
It has taken me a lot of time, therapy and Alanon to stop beating myself up for my poor choices and to understand what was behind it all. I grew up with substance abuse, codependency and mental illness in my foo. That was what I knew, what I was comfortable with. I gravitated toward those types of relationships. Having a messed up "picker" doesn't mean we're idiots.
Instead of getting into another relationship right away, I have chosen to take this time to work on me. It has been difficult but also very rewarding. I have self esteem for the first time in my life and I am living the way I want to instead of letting others influence my feelings and choices.
Getting out of the alcoholic relationship helped, but it wasn't the answer to all my problems. I am spending a lot of time working on me, and it has truly been worth it.
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Hello and welcome to SR. So sorry for what brings you here but so glad you are here.
First and foremost, I am so glad to hear you are ready to recover from bulimia. It is a disease and that requires your focus and your relaxation, especially if you are a high anxiety person. I understand, I usto be the same way. At this point you should be surrounded with people who understand what YOU are going through and want to be supportive of you, not critical. You definitely don't need that.
Forget the age. Someone on here said yesterday, and I really believe this, that along they way it had been discovered that many people who are addicts are stuck in the age in which they became an addict. I know my X husband who is an addict is not even as mature as my 14 year old, so I believe this.
Alcoholism is progressive. If he acts this way now, it will progressively get worse. In this way, your age is on your side. I am not trying to sound offensive, but you have a long life in front of you. You have a chance to cope with your own issues and live a long, happy, and peaceful life. How likely is that if you stay with this man?
Every single addict I have ever known or heard of is a master manipulator. They will shift the blame to anyone and anything to shift it away from themselves. Anything to condone continuing to use their choice of drugs, alcohol, whatever it may be. Eventually we have a choice to believe that BS (and it is BS my dear), or to look at this and say, "I won't tolerate this any longer."
I encourage you to go ahead and get the help and support you need. There are lots of resources out there if you simply look for them. We will support you here at SR. You are definitely not alone!!!
Please take good care of you. Lastly, look at those around you, at their actions. Don't listen to words, look at actions, that is how you tell who a person really is. Words mean nothing, especially to an addict.
Tight Hugs. You can do this. You are worth this, your life is worth this, you deserve happiness. Never ever forget this.
The three C's are:
You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. His recovery is up to him, it does not sound to me like he is in a place that he even wants that in his life.
XXX
First and foremost, I am so glad to hear you are ready to recover from bulimia. It is a disease and that requires your focus and your relaxation, especially if you are a high anxiety person. I understand, I usto be the same way. At this point you should be surrounded with people who understand what YOU are going through and want to be supportive of you, not critical. You definitely don't need that.
Forget the age. Someone on here said yesterday, and I really believe this, that along they way it had been discovered that many people who are addicts are stuck in the age in which they became an addict. I know my X husband who is an addict is not even as mature as my 14 year old, so I believe this.
Alcoholism is progressive. If he acts this way now, it will progressively get worse. In this way, your age is on your side. I am not trying to sound offensive, but you have a long life in front of you. You have a chance to cope with your own issues and live a long, happy, and peaceful life. How likely is that if you stay with this man?
Every single addict I have ever known or heard of is a master manipulator. They will shift the blame to anyone and anything to shift it away from themselves. Anything to condone continuing to use their choice of drugs, alcohol, whatever it may be. Eventually we have a choice to believe that BS (and it is BS my dear), or to look at this and say, "I won't tolerate this any longer."
I encourage you to go ahead and get the help and support you need. There are lots of resources out there if you simply look for them. We will support you here at SR. You are definitely not alone!!!
Please take good care of you. Lastly, look at those around you, at their actions. Don't listen to words, look at actions, that is how you tell who a person really is. Words mean nothing, especially to an addict.
Tight Hugs. You can do this. You are worth this, your life is worth this, you deserve happiness. Never ever forget this.
The three C's are:
You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. His recovery is up to him, it does not sound to me like he is in a place that he even wants that in his life.
XXX
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So, I just got home from work and plopped myself down on the sofa to read some Sober Recovery. My kitty walks over to me and starts rubbing on my leg, and giving me lovey eyes. This goes on for about five minutes until, out of nowhere, he bites me! Why? Because I forgot to feed him. He's a cat. Lovey-eyes and leg rubs are only going to go so far. Eventually a cat's going to do what a cat's going to do. Just like an alcoholic.
hopeful4 says it best:
.... or a cat.
This is advice I could have used years ago with my STBXAH, and I think it's fairly easy advice to take. You don't have to do anything. Just start paying attention to actions rather that words.
There are so many little bits of advice that can help you, and so many people in your corner. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups in your area? I would love to see you change from Sadgirl to Supportedgirl. You're obviously an intelligent, articulate, caring person. I would love to see you get the help you deserve.
hopeful4 says it best:
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Don't listen to words, look at actions, that is how you tell who a person really is. Words mean nothing, especially to an addict.
This is advice I could have used years ago with my STBXAH, and I think it's fairly easy advice to take. You don't have to do anything. Just start paying attention to actions rather that words.
There are so many little bits of advice that can help you, and so many people in your corner. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups in your area? I would love to see you change from Sadgirl to Supportedgirl. You're obviously an intelligent, articulate, caring person. I would love to see you get the help you deserve.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by sadgirl16
It kind of sounds like there is no point in being with him then, I've read about gaslighting etc as I went through it with my ex and I don't feel it's the same, but maybe that's because there is no violence in this situation and he is only ever mean if I confront him about drinking, the rest of the time he's funny happy and nice, obviously we disagree on other things but we usually talk things out like adults.
And what you said in your original post, about him saying he drinks because of you? What a crock. What was his excuse before you met? He was drinking in anticipation of meeting you? It's incredibly unfair to take your issues and make it about his reasons... grrrr, that burns me up...
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 38
I am sooo sorry you are hurting so much. I feel every pain you are feeling when I read your story. Sending you a virtual hug and just know you are not alone. Read the different post, I know for me it's helped me go through this hardest month ever (break-up with abf). I've copied and pasted things people have said in a little note and every time is feel like falling, I read it to help me get out of that dark place. Let me know if you want me to copy it for you. It's not easy but hang in there. You deserve better, you are beautiful person with a beautiful heart.
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