What's my role as a recovery supporter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 3
What's my role as a recovery supporter?
Hello all,
Grateful to have found this forum. I hope you don't mind a newcomer asking a (selfish?) question of the forum. My SO of 7 years declared himself alcoholic three days ago and began attending AA meetings. He's a mild alcoholic, I think; the worst that's happened is that he drinks till he passes out occasionally. No anger, no drunk driving, no hurting others; not even a hangover in the morning. He can go cold turkey fairly easily; if he starts, he can't stop. I am 100% supportive of him getting sober if that's what is best for him, but I have no issues controlling my own intake.
He says that he cannot visit my home anymore if there is any liquor there, nor can we go out to our favorite restaurants, which serve booze. This seems extreme. I am wondering what my responsibility is toward him and our relationship. Should I also give up alcohol, even if I don't want to? Do we really have to stop eating out together? Is this request reasonable? I'm of the opinion (and I've seen it echoed on this board) that it is his responsibility to stay sober and he needs to find the resolve within himself to do so. It is not in my power. I'm torn between the thought that I may have to quit for him and the concern that if I have a glass of wine, that makes me a bad person.
What does everyone think? Thank you for any opinions you're willing to share and for your help.
Grateful to have found this forum. I hope you don't mind a newcomer asking a (selfish?) question of the forum. My SO of 7 years declared himself alcoholic three days ago and began attending AA meetings. He's a mild alcoholic, I think; the worst that's happened is that he drinks till he passes out occasionally. No anger, no drunk driving, no hurting others; not even a hangover in the morning. He can go cold turkey fairly easily; if he starts, he can't stop. I am 100% supportive of him getting sober if that's what is best for him, but I have no issues controlling my own intake.
He says that he cannot visit my home anymore if there is any liquor there, nor can we go out to our favorite restaurants, which serve booze. This seems extreme. I am wondering what my responsibility is toward him and our relationship. Should I also give up alcohol, even if I don't want to? Do we really have to stop eating out together? Is this request reasonable? I'm of the opinion (and I've seen it echoed on this board) that it is his responsibility to stay sober and he needs to find the resolve within himself to do so. It is not in my power. I'm torn between the thought that I may have to quit for him and the concern that if I have a glass of wine, that makes me a bad person.
What does everyone think? Thank you for any opinions you're willing to share and for your help.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Varies widely by the different programs.
If he is AA . . . you are thinking about Alanon? We can go in depth into that, if you like.
Even if you do not do Alanon, perhaps attend a few "Open" AA Meetings, that will help give you some background, as well.
Add on edit . . . about Alcohol and you . . . here is what we do -- no Alcohol in the house. No gain to it being here, and tremendous loss and risk if it is. So why would *we* want to do something like that?
But even then, when AWtf relapsed it was on Cooking Vanilla. (33% / 66 proof). That was a few years ago.
Found some around here a few months ago, and 12 year old daughter rolled her eyes and tossed it.
If he is AA . . . you are thinking about Alanon? We can go in depth into that, if you like.
Even if you do not do Alanon, perhaps attend a few "Open" AA Meetings, that will help give you some background, as well.
Add on edit . . . about Alcohol and you . . . here is what we do -- no Alcohol in the house. No gain to it being here, and tremendous loss and risk if it is. So why would *we* want to do something like that?
But even then, when AWtf relapsed it was on Cooking Vanilla. (33% / 66 proof). That was a few years ago.
Found some around here a few months ago, and 12 year old daughter rolled her eyes and tossed it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not extreme to want to remove something from your life that can KILL you. think Superman and Kryptonite. heck think allergies and pollen. asthmatics and pets. peanut allergies and peanuts. what happens? they go into anaphylactic shock and it WILL kill them without intervention.
actually what he is doing is good and healthy for his recovery. staying away from people places and things that inspire/trigger the need to drink. he's setting himself up for success early on. that is what he needs to do. for now.
you get decide if you are willing to alter your own habits, comforts, lifestyle to "support" his choices. your glass of wine is not going to MAKE him relapse, but early recovery is quite fragile and easily derailed. when you've been using/drinking for a long time, a few weeks of change don't overcome that.
actually what he is doing is good and healthy for his recovery. staying away from people places and things that inspire/trigger the need to drink. he's setting himself up for success early on. that is what he needs to do. for now.
you get decide if you are willing to alter your own habits, comforts, lifestyle to "support" his choices. your glass of wine is not going to MAKE him relapse, but early recovery is quite fragile and easily derailed. when you've been using/drinking for a long time, a few weeks of change don't overcome that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 3
Thank you very much, this is very helpful.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it's not extreme to want to remove something from your life that can KILL you. think Superman and Kryptonite. heck think allergies and pollen. asthmatics and pets. peanut allergies and peanuts. what happens? they go into anaphylactic shock and it WILL kill them without intervention.
actually what he is doing is good and healthy for his recovery. staying away from people places and things that inspire/trigger the need to drink. he's setting himself up for success early on. that is what he needs to do. for now.
you get decide if you are willing to alter your own habits, comforts, lifestyle to "support" his choices. your glass of wine is not going to MAKE him relapse, but early recovery is quite fragile and easily derailed. when you've been using/drinking for a long time, a few weeks of change don't overcome that.
actually what he is doing is good and healthy for his recovery. staying away from people places and things that inspire/trigger the need to drink. he's setting himself up for success early on. that is what he needs to do. for now.
you get decide if you are willing to alter your own habits, comforts, lifestyle to "support" his choices. your glass of wine is not going to MAKE him relapse, but early recovery is quite fragile and easily derailed. when you've been using/drinking for a long time, a few weeks of change don't overcome that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Hi
I am with a RABF now sober 1 & 1/2 years.
We do not live together.
Up until recently I would not drink around him, not expect him to accompany me to social functions where alcohol was present & if we did attend social functions together where alcohol was present I would not drink out of support for him.
I have very slowly introduced the odd glass of wine at a social function recently as he is way more comfortable with it now.
In the early days of recovery it is so important that they focus 100% on their sobriety.
It may be that you don't need to give up alcohol completely but be very careful about the situations you are in surrounding his sobriety.
I would respect his requests but it is up to you as to how much you support his wishes & what you are prepared to do or not do.
Hope this helps.
I am with a RABF now sober 1 & 1/2 years.
We do not live together.
Up until recently I would not drink around him, not expect him to accompany me to social functions where alcohol was present & if we did attend social functions together where alcohol was present I would not drink out of support for him.
I have very slowly introduced the odd glass of wine at a social function recently as he is way more comfortable with it now.
In the early days of recovery it is so important that they focus 100% on their sobriety.
It may be that you don't need to give up alcohol completely but be very careful about the situations you are in surrounding his sobriety.
I would respect his requests but it is up to you as to how much you support his wishes & what you are prepared to do or not do.
Hope this helps.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Californica
He says that he cannot visit my home anymore if there is any liquor there, nor can we go out to our favorite restaurants, which serve booze. This seems extreme. I am wondering what my responsibility is toward him and our relationship. Should I also give up alcohol, even if I don't want to? Do we really have to stop eating out together? Is this request reasonable? I'm of the opinion (and I've seen it echoed on this board) that it is his responsibility to stay sober and he needs to find the resolve within himself to do so. It is not in my power. I'm torn between the thought that I may have to quit for him and the concern that if I have a glass of wine, that makes me a bad person.
When I first quit drinking there was no way I could be anywhere around alcohol. There is no way I would have gone anywhere in the first 3 months where there was any. Cause I just didn't trust myself and in early sobriety all I could focus on was not drinking.
I do know that it is my problem, however, I made sure not to put myself in any kind of situation that would have me set myself up for a relapse. And that included being around family members that drank, social situations or places. My daughter and her hubby were pretty supportive and I spent a lot of time at their house and I am thankful to them that they didn't drink in front of me. But that was their choice.
The longer I have been sober the more comfortable I feel in other settings. For example going to restaurants, etc. The only places you won't find me are parties and bars. I live with my daughter and her family and they aren't big drinkers, however they do drink sometimes and I have learned to live with it.
I just think he needs some time to get his equilibrium back. You are not a bad person for wanting a glass of wine and you are certainly not bad for drinking it. But lets face it, when we were drinking it was all about us and in early recovery it is normally all about us. I never realized how selfish I could be until I was sober for a bit. Don't let him make you feel bad or guilty either. You deserve to focus on yourself as well and make sure that you are happy. You just have to find a balance in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I don't keep alcohol in my house, I think its reasonable to allow our home to be a "safe" place free from temptation for my husband. I currently cannot eat dairy and let me tell you if my husband put a wedge of Brie in the fridge I would be so mad because I would want to devour it just knowing that it was in my home and he KNOWS that I can't have cheese.
That said, my husband has relapsed twice now. Each time he was alone and bought a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. If he's going to drink there is nothing that I can do to either prevent or instigate him doing so.
I still drink around him at social functions and I don't think I'm unsupportive of him in doing so. I like wine and I'm not powerless over alcohol so I drink it when I want to, no big deal. That doesn't make me a bad person, just means that I'm not an alcoholic. HTH
That said, my husband has relapsed twice now. Each time he was alone and bought a bottle of vodka from a liquor store. If he's going to drink there is nothing that I can do to either prevent or instigate him doing so.
I still drink around him at social functions and I don't think I'm unsupportive of him in doing so. I like wine and I'm not powerless over alcohol so I drink it when I want to, no big deal. That doesn't make me a bad person, just means that I'm not an alcoholic. HTH
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I have stopped drinking in support oh my AH's many attempts to get sober. That's not to say I will never drink again. I don't keep alcohol in the house, and if I decide I'd like a drink I will have one outside of our home. Home needs to be his safe haven, free of temptation. Me drinking in front of him would be like him eating chocolate in front of me if I'm dieting.
It all varies from person to person and his sensitivity to alcohol may change with time.
It all varies from person to person and his sensitivity to alcohol may change with time.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My husband was sober 10 years then a relapse about 2 years ago and sober now 1.5. We do not keep alcohol in the house. I will have a drink at a social function if I feel like it. Every great once in awhile I may have a glass of wine if we are out to dinner.
What we do not do is ever go to a bar. When he first moved up here in my ignorance of alcoholism (thinking 10 years sober was invincible) I would ask to go to a local bar for a nightcap after we had been out. It was his responsibility to tell me no (because it is a trigger for him) but he did not. We did not do it often but at least once a month. After several times he started drinking non-alcoholic beer which should have been my red flag that he was falling back into A thinking. He relapsed in less than a year after we moved in together.
Thing is I do not miss Alcohol one bit. If I had all the money back I spent going out in my 20's and 30's partying we would have a substantial retirement. I did resent a little at first that going out and having cocktails with co-workers or friends was a thing of the past. However, I have found much more fun ways to spend time with friends without a hangover after the fact. It's "just a frigging drink", not worth ever risking my relationship over.
What we do not do is ever go to a bar. When he first moved up here in my ignorance of alcoholism (thinking 10 years sober was invincible) I would ask to go to a local bar for a nightcap after we had been out. It was his responsibility to tell me no (because it is a trigger for him) but he did not. We did not do it often but at least once a month. After several times he started drinking non-alcoholic beer which should have been my red flag that he was falling back into A thinking. He relapsed in less than a year after we moved in together.
Thing is I do not miss Alcohol one bit. If I had all the money back I spent going out in my 20's and 30's partying we would have a substantial retirement. I did resent a little at first that going out and having cocktails with co-workers or friends was a thing of the past. However, I have found much more fun ways to spend time with friends without a hangover after the fact. It's "just a frigging drink", not worth ever risking my relationship over.
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