Old 02-15-2002, 03:32 PM
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Post Struggling

I just found this board, and it's just what I need. I don't get out much except for work because I have to be home for my two disabled children.

Just hoping someone can relate....After many, many years with a wonderful man/un-wonderful alcoholic, I packed the kids up and moved 500 miles away to be near my folks. DH has been in rehab many, many times, and never been sober more than two months. He's really dying. Rarely eats. Living off a credit card. The move was so good for us. The kids don't have to see it, and I don't have to constantly turn him away from my door. I'm comfortable with knowing there's nothing I can do for him, but it does not make me any less sad that he's dying. However, my family has really been coming down hard on me to forget him and never think about him again. It's not that easy. They don't understand why I love him. He's a wonderful person, who's very sick. He was a wonderful dad.

I know there's nothing I can do for him. I can only do for me, and hopefully, my kids. I removed us from his life so we wouldn't have to see it day to day. I'm just having a hard time having my family tell me to not be sad at the dismantling of our lives, and the loss of my partner. I guess I just need someone who knows, to say "I hear ya."

Old 02-15-2002, 06:19 PM
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smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416

Hi Blitzi-girl,
Welcome to the recovery forum!

Grief is natural when any kind of loss occurs. It is unrealistic of your family/friends to suggest that you not experience this emotion... it's there. Showing it and working through it are healthy.

For awhile I dated a man who was divorced. He once remarked that he was grateful that he could talk about his ex-wife to me, and understand that he still loved her. I told him that I'd never stopped loving anyone in my life, that I didn't know how and wouldn't want to. How can anyone criticize you for caring about another human being? You have done the sensible things for you and your children, and it speaks well of your heart that you have not allowed the unpleasantness to turn it to stone.

You need to express your grief. If closed minds cause closed ears in your circle, we'll always be here for you.

Keep posting!
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Old 02-16-2002, 06:13 AM
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Boy, that Smoke is such a tough act to follow, she is so articulate and has such wonderful words for any situation, but I wanted to offer a listening ear and heart, anytime, also. I haven't made such a drastic move in my life as you have, but I do have special needs children myself, and I can understand some of what you are going through. I think you will always find what you are looking for in this forum. Hope you can find some peace.


What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about???
Old 02-22-2002, 06:12 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: M.D.R. Ca.
Posts: 29

Dear Blitzi-Girl. I cannot even imagine the depth of your pain in acknowledging that a father of your two children may be dying and there is nothing you can do about it. But your post exhibited a healthy level of disattachment. You are living for your kids. And , although it would be wonderful if their father was able to be in their lives, nevertheless they will be yours and your families forever. Anybody who reads this can relate to the level of pain you have been through. Otherwise they wouldn't be on this forum. Your strength and your determination to provide your kids with the best life possible will carry you through this. But unless you have reincarnated Mother Teresa, at some point, you will have to start thinking about yourself. Based on the care you have taken care to protect your kids I would surmise that you are a person of integrity and character. Based on the affection you still feel for their father I would surmise that you are someone who is loyal and affectionate and caring. Hey - read Dear Abby. She has tons of letters from guys who are sick of the crap they haveto go through in finding someone decent. I know that you will get through this pain and I know that you have the strength and the power to get through whatever you need to get through to secure a good and secure life for yourself and your kids. Love, Chi
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Old 02-24-2002, 04:53 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 12


Hi there! Seems I have possibly met you before on another site?? Maybe, anyway, glad you found your way here, and hope you will find the strength, courage, and determination to be able to live YOUR life as you see fit. I understand about family!! Mine absolutely hated my husband while he was using, and hell who blames them. They love me and want the best for me and he was not even around most of the time. However, I made it clear to them then and now, that my choices we mine. Some would be good and most likely others would be bad, but it is MY life, I live it every day in my own skin, and they had to accept that. You are entitled, just as I am, to make your own choices~ bad and good, and live and learn from them. Life is tough with many bumps and bruises along the way, but definitely worth living to our best ability. I guess what I am saying is this: Most likely your family wants the very best for you (cause that's what you deserve) and they don't seem him as bringing anything good to you. You are entitled to have in your life in whatever amount any person you wish. Just continue working your program and always think of yourself and work from that prespective. Take care of you and may God doubly bless you today and every day. Take it slowly and take it easy. I wish the best for you and your kids...
As always~
The Wife
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Old 02-25-2002, 11:17 AM
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The father of my little girl did die from that horrible disease. I divorced him a year before he died, knowing there was nothing I could do for him. I loved him, but it became dangerous to live with him. I loved him and hated him at the same time. You are in a better place than I was, because you seem to understand that it's a disease. I didn't back then, but I do now. I know that my parents are real tough on me for my past and current decisions. I have gotten to where I know exactly what their answers are going to be. If I don't want to hear them, then I don't talk to them about those subjects. I find friends who will listen and not beat me up for my feelings and my decisions. I am a different breed from my family. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. I just love them, spend time with them, and then go home and talk to my friends about my life. Sorry about your husband. It does get better with time, and working the steps, I can promise you that. Life is really good for me now, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, and things will get better. I'm praying for you.


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