ManInTheArena

Some quick background:

I have been married for almost 30 years. We started dating in college and did all the usual partying stuff - we were both pretty "social" if you know what I mean. Over the years, our drinking had progressed from fun times while hanging out with friends to pretty much every night drinking much more than we should.

A few years back, I had my first attempt at being sober which lasted about 6 weeks. A little over a year ago, I managed to go 72 days. At the moment I am 46 days into my latest trip down recovery road, and I'm feeling pretty good about things.

Anyway, each time I try to quit, my wife cuts back a bit at the start but then goes back to regular drinking. As far as I know, she's never really tried to stop. This is really the first time I've noticed just how much she does drink (it might be more now than it was the other times - I honestly wasn't paying too close attention to her drinking while trying to stop mine). She drinks almost every day/night - I'd say she averages a little more than a pint of rum each day, but sometimes it's much more - of the 46 days I have not been drinking, I think she has abstained maybe only 2 or 3 days. Sometimes she drinks during the day before she has to go to work at night.

First, I don't know for sure if her drinking problem is on par with mine. When I drink, I consume so much that I have a hard time functioning the next day - she never really seems to have this problem, but I think folks might have said that about me, too. So, while I think she has an alcohol abuse problem and would go through some withdrawals, I can't say she is an alcoholic.

I would like to talk to her about her drinking, but I don't want to come across as the "holier than thou type" now that I am not drinking. I am genuinely concerned about her health, and I'd also like her to see what life can be like when she is not impaired all the time. Selfishly, my own recovery would go easier if she was not drinking every night.

As I mentioned, we've been married almost 30 years and together for more than 33. I love her very much, she's a great wife and mother and I can't imagine how my life would have turned out without her - with the exception of our combined drinking issues.

I'm not sure what I am looking for here - maybe just some suggestions on how/when to have the conversation with her, if at all.

Thanks,
- MITA

DoubleDragons

In my case (very similar to yours, 20 years of marriage to my college sweetheart, big time partiers most of our lives), I had the bigger drinking problem. I never asked my husband to quit with me. I did ask him to not drink wine around me in the beginning of my sobriety. He prefers beer anyway. I am now 8.5 months sober and because my husband saw how good sobriety was for me, he has all but quit himself. (He still has a beer or two on occasional work outings, but I have not seen him drink in months.) I have learned that sobriety is a very personal thing that you can only do when you are ready to do it. The best we can do for those we love is be a good example. Actions speak louder than words and they are much more convincing!

Hammer

Well, if you are going to get serious about you . . . . then get serious about you. Do the whole freaking enchilada. You know -- The Program.

Or at least some Program. That stuff will so change you, it will change things all about you. ALL for the good.

She may want some of that, or not. But once you start on you, you will not be so worried about her stuff.

Hammer

Yeah. THAT.

ManInTheArena

Thanks for the responses. I have been trying to lead by example, although certainly the fact that I am still just a month-and-a-half into this shouldn't give anyone a reason to follow my lead.

I'll continue to work on my own situation, and I've got plenty to do.

- MITA