A gift from my father
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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A gift from my father
A few months ago I called home to check in with my mother and father. I expected to talk to my mom. She’s usually the one to answer the phone. My father is 90. Love him though I do, he can be hard of hearing, both literally and figuratively, and I always dread just a little bit the thought that mom might be out, and I’ll have to talk to him.
Mom was out.
My dad can sometimes act like a self righteous toddler, and growing up there had been a few times when my mother felt it was better for all concerned to keep him “in the dark” about family happenings. I really wasn't sure how much he knew about my pending divorce, or my STBXAH’s drinking problem. So I was a little thrown off guard when he came straight out and asked how my husband was doing. Specifically regarding the drinking.
We spent the next 30 minutes having the most amazing conversation. My father is an ACOA. He talked about what it was like growing up with an alcoholic father. He told stories of having to go out looking for his father, and how they never knew what kind of mood he would be in or whether they would find him alive or dead. He understood the pain, the confusion, the embarrassment that my daughter lives with every day, and how important it is for us to surround ourselves with people who understand exactly what it’s like to live with addiction. I almost started laughing when I realized that he was giving almost verbatim Alanon advice. Here are a few of his quotes:
“One day at a time, honey. Just take it one day at a time.”
“You gotta just let go, and let God handle it.”
“All you can do is say a prayer, and step back. You don’t stop loving them, but you’ve got to let them live there own life.” (loving detachment??????)
In fact the only piece of advice my dad gave that wasn't part of the Alanon program was “Make sure you say your Rosary every day.”
Men of my fathers generation aren't inclined to have touchy-feely conversations with their children. Honestly, I don’t know how many years my father has left. We live on different sides of the country, and only see each other maybe once a year. The chances of this conversation were one in a million.
It was a gift.
It was a gift, and a reminder that what we are going through is real. The effects are deep and lasting, but when we share what we’ve learned those experiences can also bring strength and sensitivity and beauty.
Thanks dad
Happy Fathers day to all my SR friends.
Mom was out.
My dad can sometimes act like a self righteous toddler, and growing up there had been a few times when my mother felt it was better for all concerned to keep him “in the dark” about family happenings. I really wasn't sure how much he knew about my pending divorce, or my STBXAH’s drinking problem. So I was a little thrown off guard when he came straight out and asked how my husband was doing. Specifically regarding the drinking.
We spent the next 30 minutes having the most amazing conversation. My father is an ACOA. He talked about what it was like growing up with an alcoholic father. He told stories of having to go out looking for his father, and how they never knew what kind of mood he would be in or whether they would find him alive or dead. He understood the pain, the confusion, the embarrassment that my daughter lives with every day, and how important it is for us to surround ourselves with people who understand exactly what it’s like to live with addiction. I almost started laughing when I realized that he was giving almost verbatim Alanon advice. Here are a few of his quotes:
“One day at a time, honey. Just take it one day at a time.”
“You gotta just let go, and let God handle it.”
“All you can do is say a prayer, and step back. You don’t stop loving them, but you’ve got to let them live there own life.” (loving detachment??????)
In fact the only piece of advice my dad gave that wasn't part of the Alanon program was “Make sure you say your Rosary every day.”
Men of my fathers generation aren't inclined to have touchy-feely conversations with their children. Honestly, I don’t know how many years my father has left. We live on different sides of the country, and only see each other maybe once a year. The chances of this conversation were one in a million.
It was a gift.
It was a gift, and a reminder that what we are going through is real. The effects are deep and lasting, but when we share what we’ve learned those experiences can also bring strength and sensitivity and beauty.
Thanks dad
Happy Fathers day to all my SR friends.
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