suncatcher

I don't know where to begin or how to talk about this. There have been several married men attempt to strike up a friendship with me lately. One I feel pretty safe with as he has never tried to cross the boundary from friendship to physical. The other one is giving me the creeps. I know alcoholics are drawn to the codie caretaker folks just as we are drawn to folks that need fixing in our opinion. But I am in a period of recovery. Standoffish and enjoying my life alone with no one complicating it. I foolishly let this married male friend take me out for a ride on his motorcycle yesterday. That's all it was and I made sure it stayed platonic but he seems to want something more. I don't want that drama nor do I want to have that on my conscious. I think I will just set him straight and end the friendship. I know this is probably off topic but I wondered why it even happened that I would even go on the motorcycle ride in the first place? Stupid or still codependent bs haunting me. Just need to establish strong boundaries for myself as well as some people that don't have their own boundaries in place. Thanks for reading. I have been feeling like a crappy person since yesterday.

dandylion

suncatcher---I wouldn't loose any sleep over this. The same thing happened when I divorced from my children's father. I was a bit shocked and upset, at first---as some of these men were the husbands of long-time neighbors. I felt sort of "betrayed" because these men had never been flirtatious while I was married.
I got over it and just kept firm boundaries for myself. I call it my learning experience (one of many!).

There are all kinds of people in this world.

Nothing bad happened. No one died.

You seem to have your wits about you. Not to worry.

dandylion

CodeJob

Suncathcer dear,

This problem is easily solved. Get your own motorcycle and be in charge of your own merry rumbling transport.

Bullfrog

Today is a new day. Lesson learned: no married men.

honeypig

Suncatcher, I had a similar uncomfortable experience about a year ago. I'd joined a Meetups group and gone on a few hikes. I didn't care for the noise and chatter of being in the thick of the group, tho, and gravitated towards the tail end. There I met a man (married), a professor at a local college, who I really enjoyed talking and walking with. After a few group hikes, he asked if I was free to go on a hike w/him on a weekend afternoon, and I said sure. We'd both been very open about the fact that we were both married, and he had a couple of kids, to boot. To me, that was setting pretty clear limits to the relationship.

I met him for the hike, and while nothing overtly happened, I just had an odd feeling that things were headed in a direction I was definitely not interested in going. I think my intuition may have been correct, as after that hike, we met once more for coffee and then, by mutual agreement, it seemed, we ended all contact. It was almost as if he was "testing the waters", and when it became clear that I really was only interested in walking and talking, he moved on.

In years past, I've had a few men contact me in a similar fashion and I've often taken them up on the offer of a friendly hike, drive, ride, whatever, and then felt weird b/c it seemed there was more going on under the surface than what I expected or wanted. (And let me tell you, I am anything BUT some hot babe, so I always am left wondering if I exaggerated or imagined--but no, I don't think I did.)

I agree w/you, it has something to do w/problems w/boundaries. I hope as we both get better at listening to our intuition and being clear about what we really want, those awkward situations become fewer.

suncatcher

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences on this subject. I am far from a hot babe myself and wonder what the attraction is on their part. I just pay attention to those red flags more now since I have ignored them in the past and regretted it. I just felt uneasy and I'm going to take that as my sign. This person is my best friends neighbor which makes it even more awkward and just plain weird. I don't look for random chaos in my life but sometimes it tracks me down anyway. The important thing is how we choose to deal with it I suppose.

NYCDoglvr

So don't have anything to do with married men! They're as unavailable as alcoholics.

searching peace

So glad to read this post! Misery loves company. I had a friends father in law make a pass at me this past week. YUK! I was trying to be kind and respectful and he tried to kiss me.
Again YUK! I felt so gross and embarrassed! I was angry at myself for "doing something"
That would lead him to think he could do that. I did NOTHING! I was only kind to him as I would be to anyone's father. I also had a
Married man (father of my daughters friend) dangle a job in front of me and then try to talk me into sleeping with him.
I think these kind of men are vultures that swoop in when they see a wounded animal.
I do not want any kind of relationship right now and certainly not one with a father figure or married man. I am concentrating on me and getting myself healthy and well. I learned a valuable lesson that other peoples intentions are not the same as mine. I will never put myself in that situation again and from now on I make sure I am not too friendly so that it is not misread. Just look at this as a growing experience for yourself.
I'm sure if you were full blown on the midst of codependency you wouldn't even recognize that anything was wrong.

DesertEyes

Hello suncatcher, and no worries, you are very much on topic.

Oh, yes, I like that rule, no married peeps. I've been doing a bit of dating since I left my ex and had a run of _four_ lovely ladies who turned out to be married. None of them said so when we first met, I had to drag it out of them.

I am now _much_ more careful about who I date. I do _nothing_ if they are married, no friendly coffee, no hikes, _nothing_. I'll go be friends with their husband is what I'll do.

oh, and I'm not a hot babe either

Mike

suncatcher

Searching peace, thank you for your post. I also had another weird experience similar to the one you mentioned.My xabf's father who is also alcoholic tried to kiss me once too! I felt so disgusted and wondered what did I do to make him think he could approach me in that way? I am a friendly caring person and probably did give off the wounded animal vibe when I was in the depths of codependency. Like you I'm working on myself and being more assertive. I had a married neighbor who is 10 years younger make inappropriate flirty comments. I don't invite that behavior from men and if I do I don't know what it is I do. I hope the more I work on my recovery the less this unwanted attention happens. It's embarrassing and I was having a hard time knowing how to talk about it. I guess it wasn't too off topic and fits in with attracting unavailable people such as alcoholics and marrieds.

Florence

I just want to second this. I've had this happen a couple of times since I've been separated from my STBXAH. I think it's a combination of vulture-y behavior, the desire to "save" somebody and be a hero, and it's wholly indicative of THEIR self-esteem issues.

Short version: he thought you might make an easy target and he was wrong.